Coach is a bully

[ChristmasC]

So the swim coach hates my son (age 10) and I'm at a loss what to do :( It started off with small things - not putting him up a squad, criticising him all the time, telling him off for things the other kids do, picking on him.

Tonight my son overtook another kid in his lane (ok, they shouldn't race, but this is not something that deserves more than a quiet chat or a quick reminder, and it's not like they don't all do it!) and the coach got him out of the pool and in front of the whole squad (and parents in balcony, and other squad, and other coaches) he yelled at him. A massive rant in a loud, scary, belittling voice. I was far up on the balcony and it gave me a fright, let alone how my small (just turned) 10 year old felt standing there with everyone looking at him and having his coach yell at him.

Now ... my son never cries. He's a tough cookie. But this must have shaken him alot as he cried once he got back in the pool and looked really upset. Another coach had to take him aside and talk to him gently by the pool.

I've had enough.

My son is a good kid. He is never on trouble at school. He tries so so hard to impress this coach and is desperate for some praise, but he is constantly told off. He's been off school sick the last few days and wasnt really feeling up to training, but went today mainly to please the coach. A bit of a 'how are you feeling after being poorly' would have been nice. Not a massive yelling at.

It's not ok to shout at a child like that. It was bullying and abusive and humiliating. I have never shouted at my son like that. Ever. His teachers have never raised their voice at him. No-one has ever talked to him like that.

DS and I had a chat tonight and I explained it's never ok for an adult to speak to a child (or anyone else) the way his coach spoke to him tonight. He understands that and seems ok. I've also let him know he can leave the club anytime.

I just don't know what to do. Before tonight I've tried to encourage DS to leave the club because of this coach, but he won't go. He loves his friends and the head coach (who he'll have in about 2 years if he can hang in that long). I've previously emailed the head coach with my concerns about how his current coach picks on him, but he didn't reply. Tonight I don't know what to do :( feel so helpless. I guess there's not alot I can do. I don't want to make the coach pick on him even more.

Anyone been through this? Any advice?

[DazzlePaintedBattlePants]

I don’t care how much my son enjoyed the club, he wouldn’t be going back again after that.

The club should have a safeguarding policy or welfare officer. If they are affiliated, then Swim England have a Child Welfare Concern reporting form.

[DazzlePaintedBattlePants]

Here’s the Swim England link:

www.swimming.org/swimengland/child-welfare-complaints-procedure/

[ChristmasC]

Thank you dazzle..

[SchoolOaks]

@ChristmasC, to you and your son. A grow up in a position of power humiliated your 10 year old who was dressed fro swimming in front of a crowd of people? That's 100% out of order. Do not let this go. Complain to Swim England as per the pp's link and do not send your son back until that person has undergone training and apologised to your son. It is outrageously inappropriate. In the 80s and 90s this sort of behaviour from some teachers and coaches was par of the course and we just had to suck it up but not today. Go after that bastard.

[TheGoldenWolfFleece]

You need to stick up for your kid.

[sadpapercourtesan]

I would be going for the fucker's jugular at this point tbh. Through the proper channels, of course. Find out how to make a formal complaint, and be persistent. How fucking dare they ignore concerned emails from parents, let alone abuse a child in front of his mother

Be polite, be reasonable - and don't give up until that bastard is either sacked or sent for some serious retraining.

[oldperson1]

Would it be inappropriate if you or your husband called the coach out on how he dealt with your son and say you are not happy that he was treated in such a bullying way, or do you think this might make it worse for your boy.

[RandomMess]

I would email the head coach again and ask for a meeting other wise you'll contacting swim England.

[Nomoreusernames1244]

Please report this. To the club head coach, to the club welfare officer, to swim england.

It is bullying. It is wrong. If they won’t do anything threaten press- on twitter there are some very supportive journalists- check out the gymnastics community who are really trying to stamp out this style of coaching.

If they do nothing remove your child. Join a different club and let everyone know why.

It will destroy your childs self esteem.

And not allowed to overtake? When did that happen? In my day it was entirely normal to switch positions if you were having a good day, or were better at a given stroke/distance. Swimmers normally sorted the order out amongst themselves easily enough.

[BlowDryRat]

Gosh, I would have been down there like a shot to ask WTF he thought he was doing. He's a bully and your son needs you to protect him. Call him on it and call the club on their lack action. Insist that the coaches are swapped around so your son doesn't have to deal with him anymore.

[ChristmasC]

Oldperson - that's my fear. I already think that me emailing before about the coach picking.on my DS has made things worse, and I really am scared of him being more.horrible. I just want the coach to.like him and I honestly don't know.why he hates him so much. Tonight was horrible to.watch :(

Random - we will think about this. My husband was really angry when.i.explainwd what happened and was going to email the coach and head coach tonight along those lines, but then we both got worried about coach taking it out on DS and decided to do nothing

[sadpapercourtesan]

It is an awful feeling when another adult loathes your child, I know. This isn't a personality clash though, this guy is an abuser who needs to be stopped, for the sake of other children as well as yours. Screaming in a child's face like that, especially in front of a crowd and the child's own parent is extreme. for you, you must be shaken.

[ChristmasC]

Thanks everyone for being so supportive.

I'll think this weekend what to do. :(

[ChristmasC]

Sandpaper - thank you. Yes, I am pretty shaken :( and super sad :( thank you

[Theunamedcat]

I probably would have gone and dealt with it there and then tbh

[Hellocatshome]

Speak to your clubs welfare officer. Also are they really not allowed to overtake or was it that he was racing? Overtaking during a normal set is fairly common as some kids will be faster and slower at different strokes. It just has to be done carefully and respectfully.

[Hellocatshome]

Oh and if nothing gets sorted I would go to another club and tell your son he can always come back in 2 years when he would have different coach. I bet by then he wouldn't want to as he would have made new friends at the new club.

[GalaxyOnOrionsBelt]

Sadly I've found swimming to be like this. I raised a complaint with swim England after repeated poor behaviour from the coach. In the end the coach was managed out but the problem was the ethos, their behaviour was deemed acceptable to get results. We changed sports and the difference was stark

[TooManyPJs]

Under no circumstances can you as a parent allow this to continue. You have to be the parent here regardless of what your son says he wants. You need to try and address it with the coach himself, the head coach and/or swim England. If that does not work you need to remove him. You cannot allow him to be continue to be abused whether he wants to or not. It is not in his best interest. There are other clubs and this will gradually destroy his self esteem.

[oldperson1]

It’s a horrible situation to be in,( personally I would have probably pushed him in the pool 😂 ) especially as your boy wants to carry on going to the lessons, but he cannot be allowed to treat him lthis way
I think Random is right it will have to be addressed as if he thinks he can get away with that sort of behavior in front of the the child’s parents he is definitely not going to rein it in.
Hope you get it sorted for your son he seems more mature than his coach.

[ChristmasC]

Oldperson - I was hoping he'd fall in!! And.ive told my son if his coach speaks like that again to him I will push him in!! (But I said it jokingly to make my son smile!!)

I know I should address it, I'm just so scared of.making things worse. I half thought that after tonight, the coach might realise how horrible he was and feel bad, and then might maybe now start being nice(?)

[Ginger1982]

I would have been down there after the session was over giving the coach a piece of my mind to be honest.

[sadpapercourtesan]

I don't think confronting him there and then would have been a good idea. Far better to get the child home, look after him, calm down and then prepare to give it both barrels through official channels.

Confronting aggressive male bullies rarely goes well, especially in front of children.

[KatherineParr]

What a horrible experience. I hope you are all feeling a bit better .

I don't think you should send your son back either - I agree with the others he will end up with self esteem issues if this carries on long term. I think there was a thread on here today about the long term impact of being bullied. I know you would ideally like to resolve it but, honestly, I don't think that's possible. You're not going to show the coach the errors of his ways. It's not that he doesn't realise he's a bully, it's that he enjoys being a bully.

[toppkatz]

@Ginger1982

I would have been down there after the session was over giving the coach a piece of my mind to be honest.

So would I - in front of as many people as possible. Their behaviour was a disgrace.