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Extra-curricular activities

Find advice on the best extra curricular activities in secondary schools and primary schools here.

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Original poster

Coach is a bully

83 replies

ChristmasC · 21/01/2022 21:56

So the swim coach hates my son (age 10) and I'm at a loss what to do :( It started off with small things - not putting him up a squad, criticising him all the time, telling him off for things the other kids do, picking on him.

Tonight my son overtook another kid in his lane (ok, they shouldn't race, but this is not something that deserves more than a quiet chat or a quick reminder, and it's not like they don't all do it!) and the coach got him out of the pool and in front of the whole squad (and parents in balcony, and other squad, and other coaches) he yelled at him. A massive rant in a loud, scary, belittling voice. I was far up on the balcony and it gave me a fright, let alone how my small (just turned) 10 year old felt standing there with everyone looking at him and having his coach yell at him.

Now ... my son never cries. He's a tough cookie. But this must have shaken him alot as he cried once he got back in the pool and looked really upset. Another coach had to take him aside and talk to him gently by the pool.

I've had enough.

My son is a good kid. He is never on trouble at school. He tries so so hard to impress this coach and is desperate for some praise, but he is constantly told off. He's been off school sick the last few days and wasnt really feeling up to training, but went today mainly to please the coach. A bit of a 'how are you feeling after being poorly' would have been nice. Not a massive yelling at.

It's not ok to shout at a child like that. It was bullying and abusive and humiliating. I have never shouted at my son like that. Ever. His teachers have never raised their voice at him. No-one has ever talked to him like that.

DS and I had a chat tonight and I explained it's never ok for an adult to speak to a child (or anyone else) the way his coach spoke to him tonight. He understands that and seems ok. I've also let him know he can leave the club anytime.

I just don't know what to do. Before tonight I've tried to encourage DS to leave the club because of this coach, but he won't go. He loves his friends and the head coach (who he'll have in about 2 years if he can hang in that long). I've previously emailed the head coach with my concerns about how his current coach picks on him, but he didn't reply. Tonight I don't know what to do :( feel so helpless. I guess there's not alot I can do. I don't want to make the coach pick on him even more.

Anyone been through this? Any advice?

OP posts:

Glittertwins · 22/10/2022 18:56

Reachout50 · 16/10/2022 09:31

its so hard to watch as my son loves swimming and has been in the club for 8 years but obviously has hit a developmental block as far as the changes a young person body goes through at different stages in life but instead of building a scaffolding around my son and helping him throughout this phase he chisels away at him and only sees the fault I watch from gallery and see others do the same things but he only sees what my son does my son wants to confront him I said son you can’t say anything to him go will come across as being cheeky my sons response was that’s what’s wrong he gets away with it because no one will stand up to him in regards to thing we receive via emails notices from him everything tells me he is a bully and a narcissistic person no matter what he will have the last say

We switched clubs 3 years ago due to a coach like this. Never looked back.

Reachout50 · 22/10/2022 21:15

We go for a trial on Monday and I’d say we will be successful and I will get great pleasure in applying for my transfer as he has to release my swim number I feel like the end is in sight

Reachout50 · 22/10/2022 21:16

We go for a trial on Monday and I’d say we will be successful and I will get great pleasure in applying for my transfer as he has to release my swim number I feel like the end is in sight

AnonyMouseToday · 25/10/2022 00:24

SkankingWombat · 15/10/2022 18:46

As has been said above, switch clubs. I'm not hugely experienced as we are only 3.5yrs in (with covid in the middle) with 1 DC and 6 months with the other, but this is definitely not the culture at our club. The coaches are great, giving whole lane advice when something's not being done right (as a spectator I can see it is very often only 1 swimmer making the mistake but it is addressed as if a group problem, so no singling out) but individual praise for improvement. They work their swimmers hard with high expectations (even my 6yo!), but have a laugh too. When they know a DC is having an off session they often ignore all the mistakes entirely and just let them get on with doing the best they can (this was DD1 this morning!). I swim with their masters group at the same time as the older/teen DCs, and see the same coaching there too. At galas the DCs are really supportive of each other too - so much high fiving or hugs when things haven't gone so well. They celebrate each other's success. We have lucked out with our club, but I'm sure it isn't the only supportive one out there.

Show quote history

This sounds like a lovely club. Can I ask where in the country it is? (Our club is the bullying kind unfortunately)

SkankingWombat · 25/10/2022 09:09

AnonyMouseToday · 25/10/2022 00:24

This sounds like a lovely club. Can I ask where in the country it is? (Our club is the bullying kind unfortunately)

Show quote history

It's sad to hear bullying is so rife in clearly a fair number of clubs, and I don't understand what they expect to achieve from it? I now feel very fortunate reading this thread! Our club is run largely by the parents - the head and assistant head coach, plus one other coach at the entry level (who I know used to have a swimmer with us) are the only ones who don't have current swimmers or are a swimmer with the club themselves - I don't know if this is the norm, but it certainly helps the culture and hasn't affected the medal success of the club. We are in Bedfordshire

Madcats · 26/10/2022 16:40

Late arriving to this thread, but what people are describing is NOT okay. These are children being bullied and it needs to be brought to the attention of the club welfare/safeguarding officers.

Putting it bluntly, very few club swimmers are going to be National Swimmers, so send them to a club where they can enjoy their training (even if they do moan about endurance sets ever once in a while).

Reachout50 · 26/10/2022 21:26

We got a place in another club as a senior swimmer which we are so please about no more 5am rise for my son he said he can notice it at school already he isn’t falling asleep nearly during class which is great. On our visit I could tell they had a great way with the children as in talking to them the coach got down on her knee to explain not what we are used to our old coach would roar across the pool putting the child in the lime light as everyone thought he was shouting at them and stopped to look how embarrassing for any young child so degrading and not what I want for my son

ElfinsMum · 31/10/2022 13:05

We had this problem with the head coach at our club and my daughter has just recently left, which is their loss.

I agree with the PP who compared swimming with gymnastics - we need to vote with our feet as parents and make this style of coaching history. Child welfare must be at the heart of all swimming - even for the elite kids. Just because they have talent and ambition doesn't give adults a right to abuse them in the name of realising their potential.

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