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Extra-curricular activities

Find advice on the best extra curricular activities in secondary schools and primary schools here.

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Original poster

Coach is a bully

83 replies

ChristmasC · 21/01/2022 21:56

So the swim coach hates my son (age 10) and I'm at a loss what to do :( It started off with small things - not putting him up a squad, criticising him all the time, telling him off for things the other kids do, picking on him.

Tonight my son overtook another kid in his lane (ok, they shouldn't race, but this is not something that deserves more than a quiet chat or a quick reminder, and it's not like they don't all do it!) and the coach got him out of the pool and in front of the whole squad (and parents in balcony, and other squad, and other coaches) he yelled at him. A massive rant in a loud, scary, belittling voice. I was far up on the balcony and it gave me a fright, let alone how my small (just turned) 10 year old felt standing there with everyone looking at him and having his coach yell at him.

Now ... my son never cries. He's a tough cookie. But this must have shaken him alot as he cried once he got back in the pool and looked really upset. Another coach had to take him aside and talk to him gently by the pool.

I've had enough.

My son is a good kid. He is never on trouble at school. He tries so so hard to impress this coach and is desperate for some praise, but he is constantly told off. He's been off school sick the last few days and wasnt really feeling up to training, but went today mainly to please the coach. A bit of a 'how are you feeling after being poorly' would have been nice. Not a massive yelling at.

It's not ok to shout at a child like that. It was bullying and abusive and humiliating. I have never shouted at my son like that. Ever. His teachers have never raised their voice at him. No-one has ever talked to him like that.

DS and I had a chat tonight and I explained it's never ok for an adult to speak to a child (or anyone else) the way his coach spoke to him tonight. He understands that and seems ok. I've also let him know he can leave the club anytime.

I just don't know what to do. Before tonight I've tried to encourage DS to leave the club because of this coach, but he won't go. He loves his friends and the head coach (who he'll have in about 2 years if he can hang in that long). I've previously emailed the head coach with my concerns about how his current coach picks on him, but he didn't reply. Tonight I don't know what to do :( feel so helpless. I guess there's not alot I can do. I don't want to make the coach pick on him even more.

Anyone been through this? Any advice?

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/01/2022 23:54

You must report this. Both to the head coach and swim england.

Otherwise you're teaching your son that if someone is abusive to him, he should accept that abuse and try harder to please them in order to win them over.

That's a really, really damaging mindset for him at a pivotal age.

horseymum · 22/01/2022 15:07

Report to the welfare officer for the club. Write down any other concerns. Not minimising the coaches behaviour but just be sure your child doing everything he can to get praise isn't being disruptive. There's no much room for individuality in swimming. There should be set criteria for moving up squads, are they transparent with these? It does sound like this club isn't protecting children properly if no other coaches or parents reported this behaviour. You need to report as it may be added to other reports which means the coach needs to go on additional training or have a break.

2reefsin30knots · 29/01/2022 20:14

I would ask for a meeting with the welfare officer. I would also start sitting at the very front of the balcony and taking notes of any incidents with the coach.

Original poster

ChristmasC · 02/02/2022 15:43

Coach yelled at him again today :( made him cry. :( My son got up at 4am and commuted an hour to get to training this morning. He's a good boy. He's only just turned 10. He was trying his best. He just wanted to please his coach and elicit some praise. Instead all he got was yelled at :(

My husband has emailed the coach asking for a meeting. :( If things do not improve we'll ask to meet head coach, and if things still don't improve we will go to welfare officer.

No-one has ever shouted at DS and made him cry like this - now twice in two weeks this coach has yelled at, scared and belittled him. He's a bully. It is not ok to pick on a small child like this

OP posts:

MehMahMoo · 02/02/2022 15:48

Go to the welfare officer before you go to the coach @ChristmasC, they are there to protect the kids' welfare and need to know. Preferably have them involved in any meeting with the coach.

KatherineParr · 02/02/2022 21:00

Hi OP,

I'm sorry if I'm too blunt, but I think you are looking for some words or actions that will stop the coach from acting like this. There aren't any. He is a bully and he has decided to target your son to make himself feel powerful. While you leave your son there, he is learning that it is his fault that he is being targeted and abused, and if he just tries a bit harder, he will be able to gain the coach's approval. He can't and he is learning bad behavioural patterns that are setting him up to be potentially bullied in the future. I know you've told him it's not ok, but that's not the message you're sending him by leaving him there. You really need to pull him out.

Teateaandmoretea · 04/02/2022 16:22

The club should have a welfare officer. Not great that the head coach didn’t respond at all. That in itself is a concern re safeguarding. And use the word safeguarding.

Teateaandmoretea · 04/02/2022 16:23

You need to go to the welfare officer now.

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2022 16:31

I would not stand and watch that happening!

I don't know how you managed to stop yourself going poolside and doing some shouting yourself tbh. That's twice you've sat in the gallery and watched your child be bullied and humiliated by an adult. You can't keep letting that happen.

I would take my child and never go back.

missfliss · 04/02/2022 16:40

You cannot change this coach. It isn't possible to make him like your son.

Escalate it to the governing body and copy in the head coach.

I'm sorry for the double impact on your son but by continuing to allow him to attend and him subsequently being treated in this manner, you are unfortunately giving him a very damaging message.

I totally understand why and what you are trying to do but you cannot tread carefully and you cannot change this man.

Sending hugs -but you have to show your son now that you will not tolerate another adult treating him like this even if he will

missfliss · 04/02/2022 16:43

Also - by not challenging directly you are allowing this man to continue his behaviour thinking that no one will dare pick him up on it.

I'm so sorry for the position you are in but you must most advocate directly and hard for your son - straight to maximum escalation route

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/02/2022 16:48

Get your DH to take him the next few sessions and be ready to go down and Have A Word. This simply CANNOT be allowed to continue. I say your DH, because the guy is almost certainly a misogynistic arsehole...

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2022 16:50

I agree with that.

I bet the coach would not be screaming at her son if his dad was watching. Nasty bastard

Porfre · 04/02/2022 16:52

I'm sorry but I dont understand why you're kid is still going. By letting it continue you're just showing your kid its acceptable behaviour.

The coach isnt going to change his behaviour, and by not complaining it's just going to carry on

I'd cut my bridges with this team and complain about the coach.

Shunter350 · 04/02/2022 16:56

I've been involved in an official capacity at a sports club.
It is completely and utterly unacceptable to treat a child in that way by a staff member.
You must raise this immediately with the designated child protection officer ( every club must have one ) and copy in the club secretary and ask for an acknowledgment.
This is a serious matter and it must be dealt with by the club. But complaints must be in writing or by email.
Even if you withdraw from the club there is every chance this bully will do this again.

Aboutcoffee · 04/02/2022 17:04

This is terrible. Why did you allow your son to go back after making no intervention after the last incident?

Stand up for your son. There is no sport with this.

pickingdaisies · 04/02/2022 17:08

People like this coach are going to take your silence as evidence that they can shout at your son as much as they like. He's doing that to your son in front of an audience, in front of the boy's own parents, so plainly he's not worried or ashamed of his behaviour. So complain, complain, complain. Persistently, to everybody. (My guess is the head coach is also wary of your son's coach and doesn't want to confront him.) Make sure you or your husband is present at every event, and pull your son out immediately it happens again. (I would take him out now).Your son is reluctant to leave because it's what he knows. But staying in that toxic environment is not the right thing for him. It's time to take control.

insatiableme · 04/02/2022 17:09

I would not if stood there and let someone humiliate my child like that. Pick him up on his behaviour and if you don't feel you can get your husband too

WeeWeeMe · 04/02/2022 17:35

Were you present? Did you even try and film the abuse to show to the welfare officer or head coach?

Teateaandmoretea · 04/02/2022 17:41

@WeeWeeMe you aren’t allowed to film at poolside for safeguarding reasons. That would be a bad idea.

Hellocatshome · 04/02/2022 17:44

The welfare officer should be your first port of call not your 3rd and should have been contacted after the first incident rather than waiting for another one.

WeeWeeMe · 04/02/2022 17:58

@Teateaandmoretea
"@WeeWeeMe you aren’t allowed to film at poolside for safeguarding reasons. That would be a bad idea.""

hmm , I'm not sure a grown adult abusing a child isn't good enough reason to break this law.
I'd be filming until I could get close enough to give him a few expletives.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 04/02/2022 18:13

Woman up, for God's sake, op, and stand up for your son. Take him out of training now, contact your clubs welfare officer and chair, and COMPLAIN. I'd also contact Swim England and ask their advice.

People told you this last time. What are you waiting for?

Susu49 · 04/02/2022 18:17

I'd read the coach the riot act if I saw him treat my child like that!

I understand it can be intimidating for you too though. However you absolutely need to put a stop to this NOW, one way or another.

I'd also be tempted to go to the local paper

MondayYogurt · 04/02/2022 18:30

I'm confused why you aren't trying to break the cycle of abuse your child is caught in.
The coach is abusive. Your son is learning to try and appease an abuser. That's not a life lesson you want him to have.

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