Coach is a bully

[ChristmasC]

So the swim coach hates my son (age 10) and I'm at a loss what to do :( It started off with small things - not putting him up a squad, criticising him all the time, telling him off for things the other kids do, picking on him.

Tonight my son overtook another kid in his lane (ok, they shouldn't race, but this is not something that deserves more than a quiet chat or a quick reminder, and it's not like they don't all do it!) and the coach got him out of the pool and in front of the whole squad (and parents in balcony, and other squad, and other coaches) he yelled at him. A massive rant in a loud, scary, belittling voice. I was far up on the balcony and it gave me a fright, let alone how my small (just turned) 10 year old felt standing there with everyone looking at him and having his coach yell at him.

Now ... my son never cries. He's a tough cookie. But this must have shaken him alot as he cried once he got back in the pool and looked really upset. Another coach had to take him aside and talk to him gently by the pool.

I've had enough.

My son is a good kid. He is never on trouble at school. He tries so so hard to impress this coach and is desperate for some praise, but he is constantly told off. He's been off school sick the last few days and wasnt really feeling up to training, but went today mainly to please the coach. A bit of a 'how are you feeling after being poorly' would have been nice. Not a massive yelling at.

It's not ok to shout at a child like that. It was bullying and abusive and humiliating. I have never shouted at my son like that. Ever. His teachers have never raised their voice at him. No-one has ever talked to him like that.

DS and I had a chat tonight and I explained it's never ok for an adult to speak to a child (or anyone else) the way his coach spoke to him tonight. He understands that and seems ok. I've also let him know he can leave the club anytime.

I just don't know what to do. Before tonight I've tried to encourage DS to leave the club because of this coach, but he won't go. He loves his friends and the head coach (who he'll have in about 2 years if he can hang in that long). I've previously emailed the head coach with my concerns about how his current coach picks on him, but he didn't reply. Tonight I don't know what to do :( feel so helpless. I guess there's not alot I can do. I don't want to make the coach pick on him even more.

Anyone been through this? Any advice?

I'm a swimming teacher and that's never OK. I'd move him to another club if you get no joy from the head coach.

I used to be on committee with a swim club.

Your first port of call is safeguarding Officer as everyone else has said.

Your club should have a formal complaints process - read up on it. Put in a formal complaint.

If this isn't resolved at club level, take it to your governing body (Swim England).

Not all clubs or coaches are like this.

We had a trial coach once who shouted at swimmers in front of parents and safeguarding officer. Safeguarding Officer had word in private with him. We did not give him a contract to continue.

Contact your safeguarding officer, assuming it is a swim safe club there will be one. If it isn’t, pull your child out. There should be a chance to discuss this on the record and a plan put in place.

However, we’ve been in this position. We moved clubs, DS had been there for 5 years and was the first national finalist they’d had. He stayed until nationals, then moved. I insisted on this, as I thought he owed it the club, I rather wish I hadn’t! He was much happier once he moved and improved far more rapidly.

@MondayYogurt

I'm confused why you aren't trying to break the cycle of abuse your child is caught in. The coach is abusive. Your son is learning to try and appease an abuser. That's not a life lesson you want him to have.

This.

Whether or not your son enjoys it is irrelevant. You need to protect him and take him out of this situation.
You said you and your DH didn't do anything for fear that the coach would bully him more? 1. You're letting the bully win and 2. Your son shouldn't be put in a situation where he's bullied.
I'd remove him from the club immediately whilst speaking to Swim England and the safeguarding officer and I'd put in a formal complaint to the head coach.
Do not let your son return until that POS is gone.

Eh are you continuing to take your child to a swim club to be bullied by an adult and not actually say or do anything?'it won't make it worse as it's happening anyway!
You need to take control of the situation and protect your child !

hmm , I'm not sure a grown adult abusing a child isn't good enough reason to break this law.
I'd be filming until I could get close enough to give him a few expletives.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Safeguarding is there to protect all of the children, so you need to grow up and follow the policy. Like this coach.

@Porseb is absolutely right. Clubs are also massively different, I’ve never seen anything like this at ours and people would be horrified by it.

I'd not let him back. I'd find another club. And I'd put in a formal complaint.

I genuinely don't understand why your child is still at this club

I’m not surprised there was a second incident of yelling shortly after the first. You have described a pattern of escalation and unfortunately in the coaches eyes your silence has sanctioned his behaviour

This coach has weighed up you and your dh.

Stop paying this arsehole to bully your son. Take him out today and complain.

Stop paying this man to abuse your boy.

Sorry to be harsh but grow some balls and stand up for your son
On two occasions you have let a grown man bully and humiliate him to the point of him being in tears
It is completely and utterly unacceptable
I feel so sorry for your son
Bullies get away with this behaviour because no one stands up to them
I wouldn't care how much my child enjoyed (I'm honestly not sure how he can say he enjoys it) being part of the club, I would take them out immediately.
I wouldn't even bother trying to sort it out. There's nothing to sort out. I wouldn't want my child to be part of a club where they employ coaches like this and other coaches are witnessing the behaviour and nothing is done about it.
I'd then go full on anger mode and complain to every possible avenue and wouldn't stop until he is sacked

Thanks everyone. I wish I wasn't me. I know you are all right. I'll think about all your advice. Thank you

I mean this gently - you are you, you are in a situation you didn't choose but your told now is very simple. You put your own feelings of worry to the side and defend your child's interests.

You can do this.

[quote SchoolOaks]@ChristmasC, to you and your son. A grow up in a position of power humiliated your 10 year old who was dressed fro swimming in front of a crowd of people? That's 100% out of order. Do not let this go. Complain to Swim England as per the pp's link and do not send your son back until that person has undergone training and apologised to your son. It is outrageously inappropriate. In the 80s and 90s this sort of behaviour from some teachers and coaches was par of the course and we just had to suck it up but not today. Go after that bastard.[/quote]
well said, get his knuckles rapped. no place for bullying.

Hi OP, in longer time, you should probably think about how to unpick the issues that you're obviously struggling with here.

In the immediate future you need to protect your child, and at the moment, every time you send him back, you are not protecting your child. I may be completely off here and apologies if so, but I'm not sure whether you fully emotionally grasp that you don't have to send your child back. You really don't. No one is going to turn up at your door and demand that you send him back.

Your job is not to change the coach. You have not failed because you aren't able to change the coach's personality. Your job is to protect your son and ensure that he doesn't attract abusers and bullies in the future because the coach has programmed him to accept bad treatment. The coach is a bully and dealing with bullies feels insurmountable at the moment. So don't send him back. You don't have to contact the club and tell them you're withdrawing your child. You don't have to complain. You just don't take your child to the pool. Does that sound doable?

Sorry to hear what has happened op but I have to agree with other posters , this guy is an out and out bully.
Wether he likes your son or not is immaterial he should be professional enough to rise above his own personal likes and dislikes and remember your son is a little boy who does not deserve this kind of treatment.
If you do take him to a further training session I would go with your husband and one of you speak to him before the next training session starts and let him know in no uncertain terms that if he shouts or upsets your child again you will not be holding back and will also be raising a formal complaint against him . He is an out and out nasty piece of work.
Let you boy know that being shouted and humiliated like that is not acceptable . If it’s in front of the other kids their parents and coaches so be it he needs a taste of his own medicine.
GOOD LUCK.👍

Thanks all, your advice has been helpful and I appreciate it :)

Have you managed to deal with him?

I'm in exactly this situation. My son is almost 13. He just came back from swimming, told me he got out the pool as the coach was shouting at him that if he couldn't improve his personal best by 10 seconds, he wasn't trying hard enough. Another child was crying. My ex takes him, and says this has been happening for about 6 weeks now.
The coach even had a go at him when he accidentally breathed some water back into his nose and coughed.
I love the discipline and resilience that going to 3 or 4 training sessions a week and sometimes experiencing galas has given my son. But this seems like bullying.
Is this what he is likely to experience at other clubs too?
I asked him does he want to switch to a different one but if this culture is everywhere else too, I guess we just won't bother.

I can only speak for my experience @Maryjane3227 and say I've never seen anything like that at all.

I wonder if its all a bit more high powered and pressured around London as presumably there are more issues with pool access. Can you find out about other clubs in your locality?

Not all clubs are like this. I'd approach a few clubs and ask for a trial - it will allow you to meet team and coach and see what the dynamic is like.

Being shouted at and not enjoying it is the quickest way for a child to give up sport.

This sounds like I wrote this my son is experiencing the same treatment and it's from the head coach nothing he does is right and he only seems to see his mistakes we are on the verge of moving as this coach will never change and I would be out of my dept trying to take him on he is to powerful has an answer for everything my son is just turned 14 swims 5 mornings a week and get no praise whatsoever

As has been said above, switch clubs. I'm not hugely experienced as we are only 3.5yrs in (with covid in the middle) with 1 DC and 6 months with the other, but this is definitely not the culture at our club. The coaches are great, giving whole lane advice when something's not being done right (as a spectator I can see it is very often only 1 swimmer making the mistake but it is addressed as if a group problem, so no singling out) but individual praise for improvement. They work their swimmers hard with high expectations (even my 6yo!), but have a laugh too. When they know a DC is having an off session they often ignore all the mistakes entirely and just let them get on with doing the best they can (this was DD1 this morning!). I swim with their masters group at the same time as the older/teen DCs, and see the same coaching there too. At galas the DCs are really supportive of each other too - so much high fiving or hugs when things haven't gone so well. They celebrate each other's success. We have lucked out with our club, but I'm sure it isn't the only supportive one out there.

its so hard to watch as my son loves swimming and has been in the club for 8 years but obviously has hit a developmental block as far as the changes a young person body goes through at different stages in life but instead of building a scaffolding around my son and helping him throughout this phase he chisels away at him and only sees the fault I watch from gallery and see others do the same things but he only sees what my son does my son wants to confront him I said son you can’t say anything to him go will come across as being cheeky my sons response was that’s what’s wrong he gets away with it because no one will stand up to him in regards to thing we receive via emails notices from him everything tells me he is a bully and a narcissistic person no matter what he will have the last say

I am dumbfounded by this.