Rather painful from twitter;
Normal Island News@NormIslandNewsThe national debt has reached 100% of GDP for the first time since before Rishi Sunak was born, however, the prime minister assures us that money has been spent on the most important causes, such as crony contracts for Tory donors.
The national debt was only only 60% of GDP when the Tories came to power in 2010 and they were furious back then because Labour had “spent all the money”. Thankfully, things have dramatically improved since then.
Campaign groups highlighted one particularly efficient two-year period under Boris Johnson when £64 billion was spent on sensible things, such as: £163,000 on union flags that had to be replaced because Mark François kept wanking over them; £37 billion on a broken test and trace system that actually cost much less than £37 billion, presumably meaning Dido Harding kept the change; £4.3 billion in fraudulent Covid loans that were written off because fraud is only worth pursuing when poor people over-claim Universal Credit; and £31 billion spaffed up the wall on Brexit sovereignty so we could be world-beating at tax avoidance.
Personally, I’m just grateful Labour didn’t get in again because they would’ve gone crazy with public spending. Thanks to the Tories, the national debt has only doubled from £1,200,000,000,000 to £2,400,000,000,000 in 13 years, meaning they have spent more than every Labour government combined, just not on public services.
Throughout this time, we've had an austerity program where we've prudently sacrificed disabled people to ensure that £1.2 trillion benefitted the rich because “we’re all in this together”. Thanks to this program, the richest 1% of Britons own more money than the poorest 70% and the four richest Britons own more money than the poorest 20 million. Anyone who opposes this status quo does not understand economics.
Thankfully, almost all politicians agree we should not redistribute wealth because the last thing people getting free meals from food banks need is more handouts. Bloody leeches.
The NHS is short of 154,000 staff, and the ones who haven’t fled the country are using the hospital food bank to fuel them through their 84-hour work week. The next time they go on strike, remind them they’re the ones endangering patient safety.
It’s the hungry nurses’ fault the number of hospital beds in the UK has more than halved from 299,000 to 141,000 since Margaret Thatcher pioneered the art of getting rid of everything of value. Every Tory prime minister from Cameron to May to Johnson to Truss to Sunak has followed in that fine tradition.
In a matter of years, the government closed down all the SureStart centres and made childcare unaffordable then screamed at millennials for not having kids because the UK’s baby shortage will seriously harm our wealth, whereas having a baby would seriously harm their wealth. Millennials are so fucking selfish. Next they’ll be complaining their rent has gone up by 38% in ten years, and if they want a mortgage deposit, they’ll have to sell their least favourite kidney. This is why the free market is brilliant.
Once upon a time we used to have public libraries, now kids would have to visit a museum to see a physical book, but they can’t because the Tories have closed the museums too! The government has actually cut £540 billion from public services since 2010 and somehow doubled the national debt without anyone questioning why the money disappeared. You have to admit, that’s a talent!
One of the government’s finest achievements was increasing our sewage dumping capacity by 2,553% in just five years, utterly validating the privatisation of our water industry, which is going just as well as the privatisation of our energy industry.
Funnily enough, the only thing that’s risen more than the national debt in recent years is your gas bill because Boris Johnson shrewdly closed our gas storage facilities and never bothered investing in renewables. If you’re concerned this is unsustainable, the government assures us they are doing absolutely nothing about the climate crisis and there is a 50% chance of World War 3 in the next few years, so lot’s still to look forward to.
It’s not all good news though, the government did waste £15 billion on faulty PPE, but we should cut them some slack because that PPE was made by a pub landlord in Thurlow who didn’t know what he was doing but was good mates with Matt Hancock and totally earned that £1.3 million country mansion.
What do you mean, you don’t believe Matt Hancock has any mates? It’s easy to have mates when you give public money away to them! Just don’t give that money away to the working class, whatever you do x