(Times paywall) The three Brexiteers are abroad, so slam the borders shut now* * 
< WARNING: not very serious ! >
https://www.thetimes.co.uk/edition/comment/the-three-brexiteers-are-abroad-so-slam-the-borders-shut-now-2br59bvd6
It’s time to take back control of our borders.
Not in 2019, or 2022, or 2050 when we’re all driving around on hoverboards powered by two AAA batteries.
We need to do it now.
With the Three Brexiteers scattered across the globe, we should lock the door before they can get back in.
Can it be a coincidence that in the week when the government seems finally to have got its act together back home, the people “in charge” of making Brexit a success have been playing with their Union Jack fidget spinners in the world’s departure lounges?
David Davis has been interrailing around Europe with little more than a backpack of dreams.
On Wednesday the Brexit secretary arrived in Germany.
Apparently thinking that their boss was in the running to be the next James Bond,
his department refused to say what he was up to on his secretive mission.
It soon became clear why.
There was no one-to-one with Angela Merkel, but he did get to see the prime minister of Bavaria.
Woo-hoo!
It is only a matter of time before he secures a meeting with the Narnia Board of Trade,
a roundtable with King Arthur and
a bilateral with the Queen of Hearts about exporting tarts through our new frictionless customs arrangements.
Brexiteers like the word “frictionless” because it makes customs sound all silky and sexy,
when it simply means “exactly like we have now but we can’t say that because . . . Brexit”.
Meanwhile, Liam Fox and Boris Johnson are like a couple of uncool boys at the end of term trying to impress girls with the promise of a really amazing party they are going to be having,
like, really soon, well like in two weeks or maybe two years, or four, but we’ll definitely still be friends then, won’t we,
and you’ll come to the party and we can get really drunk and make a trade deal.
Colleagues are unimpressed.
“Forget sucking up to all those other places,” says one minister.
“If we can’t trade fully with the EU we are f@@@ed.”
Mr Johnson has been in Australia,
the last place left that has not been scratched off the giant “who has he offended” map on the Foreign Office wall < true ! >
He made a speech where he talked about going down under as a teenager and returning wearing “shorts of appalling brevity”.
And his complete balls have been clear to everyone ever since
Transatlantic fanboy Mr Fox has been in Washington,
where Donald Trump tweeted that we would get a trade deal which,
if his recent pronouncements are anything to go by, probably means it definitely won’t happen.
Mr Fox then went to Mexico and boasted about selling them doubledecker buses.
Honestly.
The international trade secretary, whose only constitutional role is to provide puns for headline writers,
got into a frightful spat with Michael Gove over the best way to wash a chicken.
Everyone knows the only patriotic way to prepare poultry is to rinse it with the urine of a British bulldog,
smother it in soil from the playing fields of Eton,
wrap it in a Queen Mum tea towel
and cook for no more than 20 minutes on gas mark 2.
If there is still blood coming out of it, don’t let bossy Brussels tell you it’s not ready.
E. coli means E. coli and we’re going to make a success of it
[proud Brittish grit emoticon required]