Ancestry results= family bombshell??

[SqueakyRadish]

Hey!
So... I did an ancestry thing just for fun, thought it would be cool to see my heritage etc.

Had my results back last week and it has "matched" me with another user that I share 27% of my DNA with, who it suggests is a half sibling or niece.

The most likely explanation (due to various factors) is that this is a niece.

But what the actual fuck do I do now? I feel awful because I know this and, as far as I know, nobody else in the family does.

I have one brother who has no children (or so I thought!) but who has been living, happily, with his partner and her 2 children for around 10 years.

He could have no idea? He could know and just want to keep it secret? He could know and other people in the family might know but keep it secret?

I literally just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't ask anyone in my family for advice because then I'm putting it on them as well.

Plus, if this other person does not want to be contacted or have anything to do with us then it feels like it would be better to just keep things as they are and do nothing at all.

I don't really know what I want... I just needed somewhere to talk about this and figure out what, if anything, I do next...

half sibling seems more likely

It could potentially be something different. I have been approached several times through genetic testing websites by adopted people or those with puzzles.

In one case there was a unknown sibling that the parents had early and adopted out. They went on to marry and have other children.

Then there have been genetic matches which look straightforward but were children fathered by a brother of the assumed father.

If there is a lot of intermarriage in an isolated area the matches can be more distant than the website shows or calculates.

Don't assume that you know where this person fits on. It's a mystery right now. It could be more complicated.

Wishing you all the best.

This ultimately.

And to stress that the niece CAN work out her parentage from more distant matches without the OP having done a test. It's a relatively straightforward thing to do via process of elimination in most cases (this is usually how they do it on DNA programmes). She didn't need to wait for the OP to do a test to do this. It's time-consuming but very doable.

The OPs result merely makes it easier to work out and gives an easy contact point. That's all.

Who knows, this niece might have written to Long Lost Family in the past and the OPs brother might have the research team get in touch! You just don't know if this isn't the case.

This woman exists. You can't just pretend she doesn't because it upsets a few people. She can't unexist herself anymore than the OP can undo her test.

I don't think it's an ethical dilemma at all. I just think it's a very sensitive issue that needs handling carefully whilst understanding there is no perfect solution here.

I suspect @TheQuirkyMaker was told that figure. There was a study years ago that suggested a rate of 30%. However, that study looked only at cases where the purported father already suspected he was not the genetic parent. A 2018 study from the University of Warwick suggested 3%, but a 2021 study from the University of Oxford suggested 1%. At the other extreme, a DNA clinic analysed 5,000 results for men who had taken a paternity test and found that 48% of them were not the biological father of their child.

The reality is that we don't know the rate of discrepant paternity. The only way to find out for sure would be to conduct random DNA testing on a large number of babies and their parents, but this is unlikely to happen as mothers who know, or suspect, that their partner may not be the father of their child will generally refuse permission. The current central estimate is that for 3.7% of children the purported father is not the biological father. Of course, even if that estimate is correct, the figure may well vary depending on demographics.

I really feel for you and I’m so sorry that you had to cope with so much even as a child. I feel really sad and angry for you after reading it. I hope therapy helps you. 💐

Sometimes people use an old email on Ancestry and don’t get emails about new matches etc.

The odds are in favour of her actively seeking her father but there is the potential scenario that she doesn’t actually know that a man she grew up with thinking he is her biological father isn’t so best be mindful of that.

She does most likely know but if she did the test to look at her ethnicity and doesn’t have any other close family matches she may not realise.

My cousin did Ancestry to look at his ethnicity as his wife didn’t believe he was fully from the UK or something. He has completely not noticed that my Dad was his half uncle even though Ancestry had correctly labelled my Dad’s test as that. The labels Ancestry assigns can be wrong as there are often different relationships it can be but in my cousin’s case it is correct but he appears oblivious to that fact.

Looked it up. You’re both right.
“Rates vary between studies from 0.8% to 30%”

https://j4mb.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/13823-131027-mark-bellis-paper-re-paternity-fraud.pdf

Is it possible your brother has been a sperm donor at some point?

I'd absolutely have a gentle word with my brother about it. He may know, but if he doesn't, he may want to know. What he does with the information is up to him but now you've matched, it's likely to come out at some point anyway. Forewarned is forearmed.

Common sense tells you that 30% is way too high - except in situations where the father suspects they are not the biological in the first place.

@RedToothBrush ’s posts are good. Although she may not know the odds are in favour of her already knowing from her other matches.

It’s a bit of a shock for you so take a bit of time to absorb it but ultimately you will need to do something.

I don’t think that buying DB an Ancestry kit and seeing what he does with it is a good idea at all. It’s like setting him up for a shock. Could be seen as a cruel prank.

I understand that previous posters might have suggested this on the assumption he has an idea that a child might be out there somewhere, but what if it’s never crossed his mind? What if he was oblivious.

alternatively, what if it was a ONS and the mother refused to allow him to be involved in the child’s life? What if it turns out he’s a shit and refused to acknowledge the child? these two scenarios are likely to cause major issues within his marriage.

By presenting the kit and seeing what happens, big family drama is likely to erupt which could have been handled calmly and with a bit of sensitivity towards the child.

Just talk to your brother, unless you are estranged.

I presume all of the involved are adults - for the other person to have tested she must be at least 18?
I wouldn't call this a bombshell - not like you found out your parents are not really your parents. This information is not really about you - at some point your brother fathered a child - either by donation, or in a more natural way.
It seems that your brother never was interested in having children - so it may bot be as big a deal to him, as you imagine.

Talk to him? You can't unknow the information now.

Absolute nonsense. It;s about 1.5%

Studies of ‘random’ populations in Western countries suggest it’s more towards 3% with 1.5% being the minimum. In disputed paternity populations it’s much higher with 30% being the minimum.

Back to random populations though, I wonder whether that figure takes into account, in my generation, unlike now, kids were never told if they were adopted or due to IVF, so whereas with current generation a portion of that 3% would not be shocked if due to adoption/IVF, it would be ‘news’ to my generation?

Your brother might not know, he might not want to know, the mother might not want your brother to know.. it may, however unlikely, not be your brother at all but your dad or even mother. I'd be very careful with how you proceed here, a lot of people could get very hurt including yourself.

As an aside, if your dna match is on there does it show for the other person? They may contact you.

I'm trying to think how do you know that the person shares DNA from both sides of your family OP from my own experience of being on two sites - presumably you have your family tree on there or some shared matches with people you know in real life, is that right?

Just wondering if maybe you're excluding other possible relationship options (not precluded by the ages of you and match of course)

Everyone thinking OP DB not doing the ancestory DNA test is proof he knows is wrong. There’s not a chance in hell I’d send off my DNA to a private company, who could in the future sell that data onto whoever. And this has happened before - so it’s not as basic as saying if he doesn’t do it he knows.

Personally I’d say nothing. You don’t know anything, and you knew nothing before, so nothing has really changed.

I’d be furious if someone blew up my life with something like this, but then relationships to me go beyond DNA.

Personally in that position I wouldn't speak with your family first I would reach out to the stranger first if they get back in contact with you get to know them abit ask them about their family tree and see if you can find the link before you speak to any of your direct family then at least you could narrow it down to who might be the linking factor but if you don't hear back from them either forget about it or do the research and find out if you need help with it my partner is very good with ancestry and got a family tree dating back to about the 1600's I think

I would keep quiet why drop a grenade in a family that's nothing to do with you. Let sleeping dogs lie. It's not made a difference to your life has it.

@SqueakyRadish you don't need to tell your brother your suspicions that she is your niece. You can just say "Hey bro, I did one of those DNA/Ancestry things and matched 27% with someone!"

He may be curious and want to do one too or he may not care at all.

Leave it up to him if he wants to look more into this. That way you are unburdened from the secret but you've at least told your brother you both share a new relative.

The time for wondering about ethical dilemmas is BEFORE you take an ancestry test. You have no idea what you are going to uncover. You should only take one, fully aware that finding unexpected relatives is very very common.

I think this can't be stated enough. But I don't blame OP for not thinking of it. I won't get a DNA test because frankly I am happy with what I know and I don't want any hard decisions to make (and even I'm pretty confident that everyone in my near family is related in the way we think they are!)

I'm trying to think how do you know that the person shares DNA from both sides of your family OP

Easy - shared matches.

I don’t think that buying DB an Ancestry kit and seeing what he does with it is a good idea at all. It’s like setting him up for a shock. Could be seen as a cruel prank.

Agreed. Ridiculous idea. Either be direct or don't, don't mess about playing games.

100% this. I've never understood how these DNA tests came to be seen as a fun thing to do.