DSis disabled and not looking after baby

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Wasn’t sure where to put this as I’m not often on mumsnet, but do appreciate it when I am.

I have a dilemma about my sister- she has MS and had a baby who’s eight months now. She downs to now how to look after him. Just feeds him lots of bottled milk. He’s obese (officially) and doesn’t have much chance to move as she’s in a small house with lots of furniture and no carpet/ soft surfaces.

shes always been very lazy and the MS makes her life all the harder. She still sees (childless, arty, drug taking) friends. So she’s not completely housebound and sad.

her baby only lies down and can now roll over. But with an experienced/ even inexperienced caregiver I think he’d be starting to go on hand and knees and definitely sitting. He’s not weaning.

I contacted social services when he was two months as I was worried about her and her partner’s lack of effort and basic knowledge about feeding and sleeping. As well as their constant partying. Aaagh!

I have three healthy happy kids and don’t want to be a bossy big sister as it wouldn’t help at all. Just want some advice form people who have had similar issues/ seen similar things.

social services haven’t contacted her as far as I know. The baby is bored and quite neglected : (

This doesn’t sound like neglect to me.

You say your sister ‘doesn’t know’ how to look after a baby. Does she have a learning disability? Is there any reason that she doesn’t have access to the same information any other mother would have?

What do you mean by ‘officially obese’? It’s a baby. I don’t think there’s an obesity threshold for a baby, is there? And how do you know this detail? If your sister’s telling this stuff, she’s presumably taking her child for the usual development checks etc.

The fact that you know about her social life, how she feeds her baby, what she does all day and what milestones the baby’s reached (or not) suggests that you’re pretty involved in your sister’s life, so I’m not really sure why you aren’t just talking to her about this rather than calling social services.

Do you even like your sister? Offer support instead of referrals to SS.
Where's the child's father, is he taking a proactive approach to parenthood?

Why wouldn't someone with MS have a child? The days of advising MS patients against having children are decades behind us, thankfully

Do you mean prepared forumla or actual bottled milk? How long has she been doing that? If he babies diet is just cows milk that needs reporting and is serious neglect. Baby will be malnourished with just that.

Why?! I have a friend who has two children and has MS?!

My bf, just played with food, non mobile baby looked like Buddha as a 8mo. Im not sure he could have borne his weight to crawl. Hated tummy time. He actually missed crawling entirely and walked at one instead. Babies develop differently. None of it was concerning to HV he was just chunky grew a bit and all those chubby rolls vanished. A decade later he is tall and a skinny. He’s never crawled to my knowledge.

If this is your sister then surely you can talk to her rather than reporting her? How's your relationship?

As everyone has said most of your concerns aren't valid - there are always babies who are on the 99% centile (DS was one!) - but that doesn't make them obese.

Similarly they all develop at different rates so the fact that he's not crawling at 8 months is not a red flag.

I would be concerned that she's not starting to wean him. Is she really not offering him any food at all? Remember weaning doesn't have to be structured introduction of different food types while witting in a high chair. It can be just sharing your parents food in quite a random way.

Can you offer her some support? Maybe if she sees how you react with him it might change how she does

Does the baby get anything other than formula? That is unusual at eight months.

But babies don't get "official" diagnoses of obesity. That's nonsense.

Well yeah. That's why I ed.

I've just had a hv review for my son who is a couple of weeks off 15 months. He isn't walking and she told me its only if he's not walking by 18 months then it's a concern.

Childless friends are of course naturally irresponsible

Have you spoke to her about it rather than just reporting her?

You don't really give a full picture for anyone to know if your sister is neglecting her baby.

Who has said the baby is officially obese - if a heath care professional was worried your sister would already be on a plan for this. Don't stress her out further by reporting to other people. There is also a massive range of 'normal' at 8 months. A 99% centile baby would look massive compared to a 5% centile baby at that age (I know I had a 5% with friends with 99% the same time)

Developmental not having carpets/soft things isn't going to stop a baby rolling, crawling walking. I have wooden floors downstairs. Hasn't stopped my kids doing anything. Again there is a massive range of what is 'normal' at 8 months from babies that still only lie down to babies that are trying to walk already.

Not being weaned - do you mean fully or had solids at all? If she is BLW then she wouldn't be able to start that until he was sitting (its one of the factors when considering weaning). No 8 months I know has been fully weaned. Most babies still have bottles until 12-18 months at least.

Just because she isn't following what you do or what you think is right doesn't mean she is neglecting her baby.

Have they not started offering solids at all? Do they have a high chair for him and do they ever take him out anywhere?

When you say "quite neglected" what do you mean?

I agree. Your sister has a serious disability. Giving her some practical help rather than criticism might be an idea.

The baby should be on solids 3 times a day and the fact that he isn't is absolutely neglect. Please intervene as soon as you can!

I would report again. I would also try and contact the health visitor and say she needs support.

Although judging by how many people think the situation sounds reasonable, I’d worry that the general standard of parenting is so low that SS won’t be interested ☹️

Whatever happened to food for fun till they are one?

Milk cannot and doesn't provide all required nutrition before 12 months. We're born with enough iron stores to last a few months. There isn't enough in breastmilk, and formula doesn't routinely have it either. We're supposed to be getting it from food. That food before one is just for fun schtick has a lot to answer for.

NHS website for weaning please take a look.
Of course if baby doesn't want it then that's fine but it absolutely should be offered at 8 months old!

That refers to getting it down them. It should at least still be offered as they need to build the muscles to chew and swallow and ultimately talk.

There's no such thing as "officially obese" in an 8 month old. They pile on the pounds for a bit and then have a growth spurt and turn all their fat to length.

Not every baby crawls.

I think it's too early to tell if there's actually a problem. Maybe there is, but for now if the baby is clean and getting calories in then that's ok.

if no one from care is involved, how can the baby be "officially" obese? And can we please separate out lifestyle from disability? Many women (and men) with MS have families and are excellent parents.

Hiya I'm a social worker...I think from what you have said here that she could potentially benefit from Early Help do you have any family hub type places near by she could go to? Parenting classes? Bbaby social type things. They might also allocate a support worker (step bellow soacial services) If you are really worried or don't know where to turn I would try and refer in again through point of scess where she lives..they should triage and see what level support should be at. Has she been seeing h.v? I am very sure that if they had developmental or neglect worries they would have been referring in.

I'd be concerned by the lack of stimulation as it can affect brain development. Is there anyway you can encourage more interaction and maybe suggest things you did with your kids. People can be more susceptible to suggestions from experience.