My neighbours' autistic child is making my flat unlivable - can I do reasonably say/do anything?

[AnerleyAnny]

My neighbours in the flat above have a severely autistic child of around 4 years old. They really struggle and, having had an autistic cousin as a child and seen how tough my aunt and uncle found it, I completely sympathise. However, the child's stimming and meltdowns - and the parents' loud, angry responses - are slowly wearing down my physical and mental health: I am sleep-deprived, I've developed a twitch in one eye, I often feel tight-chested and short of breath, and I struggle to focus on my work or even watch TV in the evenings. This child has just as much right to a home as I do, and her behaviour is just her way of coping with the world, so I don't feel any right to be angry at her or to complain to the landlord who owns both of our flats. I don't know if there is realistically anything I can say or do, short of just moving, but that would feel like a huge disappointment (not to mention a stressful upheaval) having only just moved here 6 months ago after a very challenging and expensive flat search. With so few rental properties available, I felt an enormous sense of relief when I secured this place, and I've put in a lot of work to make it a home I can enjoy for several years, but now I am starting to worry about what living here is doing to me.

A bit more detail: most days I am jolted awake by loud screaming some time between 5 and 7am (it seems that the fact of simply being awake causes the child immense distress) and then throughout the rest of the day there are usually a few hours of stimming that takes various forms (banging on the walls or floor, monotonous moaning, or sometimes what you might call animal impersonations like barking, yapping, or growling). Most days this culminates in a meltdown of at least 30 minutes, during which time the child is overwhelmed with distress and will scream, cry, and throw herself around the flat. I've never heard screaming like it, and it sends me into a slight feeling of "fight or flight". My walls and ceiling shake and I tend to struggle to focus on whatever I'm doing, as she's audible over my work calls, TV, music etc even with noise-cancelling headphones on. What makes this worse is that the parents often respond with angry yelling, whether at the child or at each other. (Occasionally, while the father is out at work, the mother will just yell at people on the phone for hours on end - they are just very loud, angry people.) It is clear to me that they are overwhelmed by their child, or they are in denial about the extent of her disability, because I've often heard them trying to "count to 10" to get her to stop screaming. This feels unfair, as if they think she's a neurotypical child just having a tantrum or trying to get her own way, rather than someone whose brain is wired differently and cannot cope with her surroundings. On several occasions during a particularly difficult period, I heard them dragging her around and possibly even hitting her - which I reported to the NSPCC. They promised it would be looked into by Child Services but I'm not sure what's been done, if anything. Things reached their saddest and most distressing point when I recently heard the mother yell at the child "Fine, I'll kill myself and leave you to fend for yourself!" This child may not understand the words, but I'm sure she can in some way sense the feeling behind them; I think this stressful environment directly contributes to her meltdowns.

I wish there were something I could do, but I fear that letting them know just how much I can hear would entrench the shame and intensely private attitude that I believe they already have: they have never opened their curtains in the 6 months I've lived here and they often refuse to open the door to the postman, or even pretend to not be in when he knocks on their door. I worry about the anger-filled environment this child is growing up in, and that any potential conflict I create with the parents will just be taken out on the little girl. Is there anything I can say - to them, to the landlord, to the council - without making this situation even worse? Should I just stop investing emotionally and financially into making this place a home and accept that I need to move? I feel trapped not only by the circumstances but by the feeling of guilt that I am not even entitled to have these complaints in the first place, given the extreme challenges facing this family. I'd be really grateful for any advice, thank you.

The autistic child won't be aware that he/she is disturbing the neighbour.

Not to downplay at all the Op experience. But the OP can move...problem over.

I see that you have an autistic child. Your view worries me. Bribery?

Are you sure you have an autistic child? If so, I find your opinion troublesome

I don't think anything you say to them will make any difference OP. They are obviously struggling to cope and probably wouldn't respond well to any perceived criticism! I'd be concerned about the adults shouting though, you can call social services to report. Ultimately though, I'd seriously consider moving as it's not likely to get any better in the foreseeable future 🙁

If you think there is abuse happening you should be calling the police as soon as you think abuse is happening.

Autistic children as extremely vulnerable to abuse, and this child cannot advocate for herself.

You can't do anything about the noises she makes I'm afraid, but you absolutely should not be complacent that there could be potential abuse happening.

Those parents sound both desperate and unhinged and so the likelihood of something happening if it hasn't already is very high.

Yes to SS and/or police. I'm surprised so few posters mention police. Different situation but we had an elderly neighbour with dementia who got aggressive and verbally abusive and who knows what else went on behind closed doors but her husband asked us a couple of times to call the police if we heard her shout. I guess it helped with evidencing need for residential care which eventually she went into. I'm sorry for your situation and the family, I hope they get the help they need and you can enjoy your home or move.

@AnerleyAnny you sound a beautiful person ❤

No advice, my dc was probably driving our neighbours into an early grave from about 2-6 with the behaviour you describe and whilst we didn't struggle in the way your neighbours seem to be, your level of compassion here is incredible. In your situation though I'd keep calling SS. They need help x

Please call the police.

The poor child is clearly in huge distress because of her disability and is getting bo support because her parents have no clue how to cope - they have no support either, it seems.

This whole situation is going to explode - it's a tragedy waiting to happen.

Here's what to do:

https://www.oscb.org.uk/concerned-about-a-child/

It will start getting her - and her parents - help.

You may feel dreadful doing it - but you may save one life or more.

Record the screaming OP and make sure your landlord gets to hear it. It might get you out of your contract and if they are threatened with eviction and there is a vulnerable child living there, SS may have to get involved: win-win for everyone

If you Google "Children's Services" + the name of your county you should get a phone number for children's social services in your area - including a 24 hour line.

(If you have no luck with that then your reports to the police and NSPCC all end up in the same place, and if it's an emergency the police are the best bet anyway. Using the term "safeguarding concern" can help when speaking to the police, who may transfer you to the duty social services team.)

I don't understand the people saying don't tell the landlord there's a noise problem. If they let OP out of the tenancy (with or without penalty) they're going to have a high turnover of tenants again and again until they address the problem, if I were a landlord I'd rather know.

The family would be better suited to accommodation without adjoining walls/ceiling/floors, but while you are still their neighbours OP please do keep a diary of any troubling interactions you overhear and report it to children's services whenever you have an update. It takes time for SS to build up a case and you may not ever see the result of your reports but they will all be being added to the file.

I say this as somebody with two autistic sons albeit high functioning and who luckily grew up in a detached house with no close neighbours and excellent soundproofing. Regardless of whether you speak to Social Services or not, your first port of call is the landlord. He probably wonders why that flat is constantly vacant. No tenant will put up with that. Yes, it's a very difficult situation but they chose to have a child and they are responsible for that child. Yes, it sounds like they are overwhelmed but there is no law that says you can't evict tenants who make that kind of racket day after day. They do not have an unfettered right to other tenants. In the meantime, would ear plugs or wireless noise cancelling headphones lessen the noise a bit?

Definitely keep calling Social Services in hopes that someone will actually step in to try to help them.

I wouldn't be able to stand it either I'm quite triggered by noises like that.

I don't even know if soundproofing would help with all the stomping around and banging and crashing.

So contact social services, your landlord, and start looking for another place to move to stop

I would move as soon as I can and report to SS for the sake of the whole family.

Disability discrimination laws mean you can't take action against someone for behaviour caused as a direct result of their disability. Autistic people have meltdowns. They can't evict the child for that. They can evict the parents for screaming and shouting and obviously the child goes with them. I'm not sure if they can evict for no-fault any more, I've read on here about that being outlawed so I don't know whether it has been. It's not as simple as they're noisy kick them out. If the parents weren't causing a ruckus there may be nothing the LL could do.

I think you should make social services referrals every time you hear her say things like she wants to kill herself. And say you think they have hit the child (be sure to fully explain the sheer amount of noise that comes before the parent snaps). There is very little support available and to get it you need to be at crisis and have multiple people saying you need that support. The family may be begging for help.

I have an autistic child who when younger had loud violent meltdowns ar all hours and loud stimming. He has no school place because no settings can meet need. He was hurting his siblings I was struggling to keep my children safe and I feel sorry for our poor neighbours. I contacted social services saying I could not cope 5 times. My midwife made a referral and there was another Anonymous one too I think. Each time they did their assessment then said they had no role because I was no danger to my children. It took a serious incident where my daughter could have died due to my son's behaviour me realising I could fail all 3 of them or give up one one for the sake of the other two. I phoned SS demanding they put him in care they ringing round family to take him who all said they were unable to keep him safe and would not take him. To save him going into care I was offered a pathetic amount of respite. Still no school place. I really feel for that mother and while I've never said it the wish to be dead to escape such an existence resonates with me. You said the kid is 4 it was similar age for my boy that was the worst, he has improved hopefully your neighbour will also but it's likely always going to be noisy. I would move. Please don't tell the landlord why

following

Firstly and most importantly, please, please contact social services about this OP, and if they don't do a lot, keep contacting them and the NSPCC until they do. This family need help.

Secondly, in terms of your own health, I don't think things are going to improve in that house for quite a while, even once services are eventually involved.

I know it is stressful but I think that moving will ultimately cause you less stress than staying.

I don't know about terminating the tenancy, you'd have to look at your contract, but it's definitely worth speaking to your landlord (especially once you have reported it and there's a paper trail).

For starters you can raise concerns with social work about emotional abuse. This family needs support.

Go straight to children's social care. Don't just tell the nursery - you've no guarantee they'd do anything with the information and you've a duty to pass on what are really serious concerns you've directly witnessed.

To be honest you could have rung the police with some of the incidents you've described as it sounded like an immediate safety risk, so I would call the police also in future if need be.

Please don't hesitate to pass on these concerns - if anything did happen to that child/family and you hadn't acted you would feel much worse than you do right now so atleast you'll know you've done what you could.

Sorry you're going through it too - I agree that I would be looking to move house.

@AnerleyAnny

Bloody hell being woken up by ungodly hours god i end up like a walking 🧟‍♀️ zombie

I would have to report about this to social services as soon as possible

You are entiled to have a good night's sleep 😴 rest and live in comfort and not just an existence,

I feel real sorry for you.

As i would find it too much to cope

My idea of nights mare situation you are having to contend with..

Assuming you want to break the tenancy early, I think you need to advise the landlord first of the noise situation and see what the landlord response is. Read through your rental agreement carefully, there should be a quiet enjoyment clause. That may be one you could exercise but you probably need advice on that as I am not an expert

@EnglishBluebell a landlord absolutely can evict a tenant for annoying neighbours with noise if the noise breaks the tenancy agreement. Most tenancy agreements in my experience say you cannot cause annoyance to neighbours. Look up Section 8 notice.

It sounds like there are 2 issues.

1. Move out ASAP. Ask to end the tennancy early due to "personal matters"(loss of job etc). Find somewhere and get some rest. This is the easiest and least guilt-tripping option for you.
2. The family isn't coping with the extra care needs and it sounds like it could be some sort of abuse. Keep a record over the next few weeks- times and dates and what you can hear. Report it. SS might not do anything straight away but you wont be the only one making reports and at some point that pile will tip over.

That’s so difficult, to be fair to the parents I have known autistic children scream for 40 minutes when they are being gently rocked/cuddled/supported. If they are in the middle of a meltdown they can be in their own world completely shutdown.
The parents sound like they are going through hell, but the poor child is obviously very distressed too.
I would seek out help from social services, I wouldn’t raise it with the parents, it might tip them over the edge.
I would give it a set period of time to improve, if it doesn’t, move. So maybe 3-4 months if you can manage it?

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. The overwhelming consensus that I need to contact child services galvanised me to do so, and I've just sent my local council a detailed email outlining everything I've heard, as well as more details that resurfaced from my memory as I was typing it. Sadly, I had completely forgotten that some months ago I heard the father taunting the child during one of her meltdowns, putting on a grotesque "disabled" voice and imitating her sounds of distress. I'm amazed that I'd forgotten details like this but I guess I have tried hard to "soldier on" and ignore things, which is doing a disservice to this child. Luckily I do have some phone recordings, which I will be passing on if asked to do so.

In terms of what I do next for myself, the only thing here that gives me pause is what I should say to the landlord. 99% of responses here have been compassionate and helpful, but I was a little shocked at the (admittedly small) minority who suggested trying to get the family evicted for my benefit using various legal loopholes. I agree with those who have raised ethical and legal objections to this approach. What makes this tricky is that it is particularly difficult and expensive for me to move (I run a business from home which means I have a lot of equipment) and apart from the noise issues this flat was basically a unicorn: I wasn't able to find anything else within budget that offers a suitable amount of storage space, a garden, free parking, and a small second bedroom that can be used as an office. I know these might sound like "first world problems" but I'm not someone who can practically fit their life into a studio or one bed flat, but I've just looked at the market and moving would inevitably involve a downgrade. In short, I really want to keep this place, but I feel conflicted because the thing that might lead to it improving (talking to the landlord) might genuinely be the thing that tips the mother over the edge: as someone here posted, I don't want to be responsible for someone who is already expressing suicidal thoughts to be evicted from their home.

@AnerleyAnny It’s such a difficult situation and you’re handling it very well.

I understand what you’re saying about the family possibly being evicted. The best outcome is clearly that they get some support and the noise levels decrease so you can stay.

If it continues though and you can’t stay, the LL is bound to find out about at some point, because the next tenants will have the same experience. Your flat is essentially “uninhabitable” with the current noise levels.

I'm a landlord-you can leave for any reason you wish OP. The only repercussions are potentially, the same landlord may not rent to you again. What a nightmare, for everyone involved. Sounds as if the child needs to be in residential care.