Reluctant to take in nephew

[Coffeefirst22]

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

[Payakan]

Poor kid.

[SausageAndEggSandwich]

Maternity leave is for your own child, not for other people's, as sad as it is.

[upwardsonwards]

This is a personal choice thing. Essentially you would need to sort this as a fostering arrangement not an informal family minding. I cannot answer if you can do it because only you know your circumstances.

[bluechicky]

This is completely up to you

[Dalriadanland]

You will get paid to do it by the way.

[CrispsandCheeseSandwich]

Oh poor child! How heartbreaking.

But no, I almost certainly wouldn't do this.

[MillicentRogers]

Poor child but you are not in a position to take him in.

Being at home on maternity leave is your leave for you and your baby to bind.

Caring for 2 year old who is suddenly living in your home who has emotional problems from being rejected by his mum and dad as well as possible special needs will bring nothing but hell for you all.

Let the authorities deal with this and place the boy in the care of people who are trained to care for these kinds of situations.

[MillicentRogers]

Bond not bind

[Coffeefirst22]

A bit harsh on the empathy side. I have heard that going to family is better however we don’t have a relationship with him.
We have helped the family in other ways (monetary wise) but bringing in a child with potential needs to an already busy household is not necessarily best for him in my opinion. Again what we’re hearing is secondhand.

[justalittlesnoel]

So sad for the child! It doesn't sound like you have the time to take him in, or relationship with him to provide more than any other home he'd be placed in (it's not as if you've seen him every week for all of his life and he's coming to somewhere he knows, it would still be somewhere new with strangers).

Tbh I think the dads excuses are pretty poor 🤷🏻‍♀️ and the GF surely doesn't decide just not to have
3 kids and let other people deal with the fallout!

If BIL is at his parents and sleeping in the front room, surely the child could be with them too? Rather than an hour away with strangers.

[bobomomo]

It's called kinship care and should be only done with social services involvement, partly because you can receive foster support and pay, the support is particularly important if there are sen.

Social services can also advise bil on housing if that's the reason he can't parent his own child but I'm suspecting there is more to this

[JenniferBooth]

She didnt choose to have him did she. Im child free by choice and if someone said this to me because i said no they would get short shrift. And i think more people are able to see through emotional blackmail since all the Covid crap.

[easilydistracted1]

Do you not do it if you don't want to and can't make the commitment. It would be much better if bil stepped up. Some I'm confused as you are mentioning the mum not wanting to care but also social services and possible removal. If there is a plan for children's services to remove a child from their parents care they will assess any relatives before they can place the child with them it's usually a long term commitment that is being asked for. Everyone else seems quite ready to volunteer you but not do it themselves and you have no idea of this child's needs and if you can meet them. You could be asked to be considered as a long term carer but not for an emergency and start getting to know them. But if you can't commit don't offer as moving children around when things go wrong is really not good for them

[DisforDarkChocolate]

That is an awful lot to ask especially as this would be seen as kinship caring but you have no bond.

MIL should be the first option if she is known to the little one. Her son has other options for housing.

[bluechicky]

Fucking harsh

[Moonlaserbearwolf]

It would seem to make more sense for the little boy to live with his father and grandparents until father and son can find another place to live. Is there any way they can all fit in the grandparent’s house? If there is a separate living room, can that become a temporary bedroom for father and son?

You live an hour away and have a 4 month old - neither of which make it a great place for your DH’s nephew to live. He needs more attention than you can probably offer, and ideally to be with one of his parents.

What a difficult situation - hope you all manage to find the best solution for the child.

[Jump3roo]

I would be asking your DH how long he plans on taking off from work on compassionate or unpaid leave if you were to have the poor kid. Because looking after 4 DC, including a tiny baby and a toddler with additional needs +/- trauma can’t solely become your responsibility just because you are on maternity leave. What would your DH have suggested if the situation had occurred a year down the line and you were back at work, for example?

[Coffeefirst22]

I honestly think she is having some kind of breakdown or something. A few months ago she just started doing things that are out of character (drinking, drugs, going out, leaving kids at neighbours/family’s house, sleeping around) and now she just wants rid but I don’t know her well enough to have this conversation with her to see if she is okay.

[JenniferBooth]

how old is she?

[DelphiniumBlue]

Someone ( DH?) needs to talk to BiL and find out why he is not able to cope with his own child.
He could apply for emergency accommodation through his local council and would almost certainly get help with housing if he had his son with him and presents as homeless. But frankly he doesn't sound up to much if he is abandoning his GF with a child with additional needs knowing she isn't coping.
As the person on maternity leave and therefore not out of the house all day, it is you who will be expected to deal with the child, who will be traumatised even if they didn't have additional needs to start with, and you are quite right to say if you don't think you will be able to manage this. The burden will undoubtedly fall on you.
Of course MiL wants the little one looked after within the family, is she in a position to offer herself?
But really, if the boy needs specialist care and attention maybe trained foster carers would be best for him.

[WhatTheFuk]

Already we have people criticising a woman who doesn't know the child. There is a man here who needs to step up to his responsibilities.

[morellamalessdrama]

Surely the grandparents and his father will look after him? Even if space is an issue, it's still a better option than him going to a family he doesn't know which has three other children to consider.

[Dacadactyl]

There is no way on earth that I would let a child in either mine or DHs extended family go into foster care.