"To have or not to have children?"

[Indecisivewoman]

Hello, people, can you help me? I am very, very, very unsure about having children or not, it's really a huge dilemma for me. I have considered many advantages and disadvantages from both sides, and yet I am still undecided. I am 38 years old and I feel I am at the age limit. As you all here are experienced parents, maybe you can help me. I read a lot out there that many people regret having children, but they don't talk about it. Can anyone here give me some guidance? I am afraid of regretting not having children in the future. And I am afraid of regretting having children. It's such a difficult decision for me! And I like children a lot! But I also love my freedom.

Thank you very much! Best wishes for you all.

And also made clear my own children can make their own decisions

Wow, what would you have done could you not have children?

Can you honestly have such an inability to fathom a world that you fill with your own interests and life and brain?

What on earth will you do with your time/energy/life once your children are adults living their own lives?

Don’t say adopt, it’s much more complex and don’t say grandchildren - they might not have any, or end up living the other side of the planet 🤣

If it’s this difficult a decision for you, and you’re 38, I think you’ve made your mind up.

@Changingplace
I would seek out work with children - via volunteering etc

I'd still see my children (when they're adults) as I do my own mother.

@Changingplace
And honestly I'd have to 'make do' if I didn't have children and honestly I'd be very upset, as many women are, when they are unable to conceive.

Really a bit odd to make your whole personality about children tbh.

As I said, consider that you can’t control where your children choose to live when they’re older, it’s much more common now for young adults to travel & move elsewhere.

I can’t, but I in no way see my life is ‘making do’ it’s simply my life, and it’s absolutely wonderful (and no, just not just full of holidays, although yeah travel is great)

@Changingplace
Having children isn't my personality. But certainly - a purpose in my life.

@Changingplace
I'm not assuming anyone else is 'making do,' - I gave my personal opinion because it was asked.

It's difficult to know. The issue is this. The people who say they regret it and the people who are content with their decision are not you. They are not like you. And your kids won't be like theirs.

Keep it simple and ask yourself this..

1. How do you imagine your life in 5 years and 1p years. Picture with a child. Picture without. Instinctively which do you prefer?

1. Imagine you try for a baby and don't get pregnant. Does it bother you? This may tell you something. Also picture a positive pregnancy test. How for you feel?

1. You are worried about losing something. What is it and why? Is it your worry or someone else's? For example people may say when you have kids it's hard to go out in the evenings. For me, I don't care.

1. Accept you don't know, theres no right or wrong. Go with your gut. And choose to live without regret. Its a skill in itself.

You don't get to have everything in this life and your mid to late 30s is a fork in the road type of time.

If you have children then yes you will not be able to have a lot of the lovely things that child-free people get to continue enjoying - money, holidays, meals out, career progression, lie ins, nights out, pelvic floor muscles.

If you do have children yes, those things are off the table or massively changed for a long time. But you get the absolutely joy (and I say this with the caveat that having a child is a real lottery) of watching them grow, the cuddles, hearing their first words, seeing them take their first steps, their smiles, the joy of having a family of your own.

You have to decide if you are up for taking the plunge or not, understanding at the same time that deciding you want it and actually being able to do it at 38 are are two different things.

In all honesty, I think people pondering these questions are the ones who become fab, considerate parents and they are exactly the people who should be bringing up the next generation.

Some of the questions I'd be asking myself to help me decide are:

Will I get support in the early days?

Will the child grow to have an extended family/ little community?

Will I need to relocate for schools, etc?

Am I prepared to lose child-free friends or friends with much older children, who may not have the patience to be around a new parent?

Do I have the energy and health to run after a child for the next 10/15 years?

Will I be prepared to compromise my career/ compromise time with baby.

I think you shouldn't chose to have children

• because people around you are expecting you to

• because you want to have a carer at an old age/ you are afraid of dying alone.

Human biology is fascinating, once in action you will feel the right feelings, you will manage unimaginable things. Babies are miracles and motherhood is like nothing else.

Each to their own but these questions wouldn't have worked for me.

We have two wonderful kids, good jobs and happy marriage.

We have no childcare help from extended family. But we support each other and pay for childcare.

Rather than compromise on my career I've changed aspects of it, got more productive and had a promotion since having a child. This depends on your workplace/type of work and adaptability. If you're say a doctor or pilot this wouldn't be so easy. But you shouldn't assume negative impact on career.

I didn't think we'd relocate for schools. You don't necessarily have to. City centres have schools. There isnt one way to live a life with kids. But we did anyway for other reasons.

I cannot say I'll be healthy in 10 years. Honestly we can only try our best. You don't have to run after a child for 10 years. My four year old knows when he needs to stop at roads etc... First 3 years yes maybe 4 depending on the child. Some parents can't run and find a way.

Instead of losing friends I have more than ever before. But yes I suppose it depends on your friends and how easily you make new ones.

This is why questions need to be broader. We raise children in different ways. We define how we do it and what matters to us. We adapt if we want to. I suppose you need to define your own values and questions.

This person is hilarious. Totally following. People like this make mumsnet more like reading The Sun. I’m child free please start on me next. Your so funny.

If you're not sure you want children, then don't have any. I think it's as simple as that.

Is it? I've known two people who weren't sure, but are happy with kids and are wonderful parents. It's hard to be sure because so much is unknown. And some people who think they are sure seem unhappy with their situation.

Why hilarious? It's a strongly held personal opinion. The person likes kids and would either have them or volunteer to help them and cant inagine a life without them. I know many people who work in childcare, stay at home mums, teachers, pediatric nurses etc who think interaction with kids is their lives purpose.

Not my opinion but I don't see why its hilarious or a wind up or whatever.

@Symphony24 "Is it? I've known two people who weren't sure, but are happy with kids and are wonderful parents."
I'm pleased. But I still think you shouldn't have children unless you are sure. The risk is too great if you don't.

@Symphony24

I have taken time to write things that pre children I prob wouldn't have considered.

The answer to q-s being 'no' doesn't mean they don't work for somebody.

OP's torn and the more pluses/ minuses she has the clearer the picture prob will get for her.

Op doesn't mention a partner. Doing it completely on her own, it will effect her career, or she will have v little time with her kid if it's outsourced; the kid will likely be happier and op less isolated, especially at the beginning, if they do have extended family/ reliable friends nearby - especially as the child will be likely an only child.

Many people move houses because of schools as they see it necessary.

Again, if solo parenting, being fit and healthy is important to consider. Of course, we don't always know what's in store for us, but reasonable expectations. Being a child-carer is no fun.

Please go ahead and add things that your experiences have thought you would be helpful with such a big decision.

Thanks. That makes sense. We're saying even if the answer is say no I won't move house for schools. But if you're content with the local offer, will pay for private, think any school is ok or want to home school it works for you anyway. If its no I won't move and there's no solution that works for a child, that's an issue.

I'd add:

Would you have or be able to afford care? So can you afford £800-£900 a month for full time nursery. Or would you be a stay at home mum, or could you be flexible in your work and pay for part-time nursery? Also consider extended family and partner.

What do you generally want out of life? Is raising children something you'd value and if so what do you like about the idea? Also what are any concerns and can you overcome them?

In terms of career, does it allow flexibility or are you willing to adapt or compromise if not? You may not know how you'd adapt exactly but if the willingness isn't there it won't work. For example if your a pilot who enjoys travelling the world and wouldn't change that, unless you have a very flexible partner, it's unlikely to work.

Finally if you're 38 and have no partner and want one, a lot of those answers will depend on your partner anyway. I'd say if you don't have a strong desire to have kids crack on and find someone and look at it as a couple.

I think not bring sure isn't the same as not wanting kids. If on balance you don't want them don't do it.

But some people just aren't sure because they think of risks etc a lot or have a lot to gain from both life style options, or because their own parents put them off. Some people are sure and realise they made a mistake because their reason for being sure didnt pan out. I love my kids but they're nothing like I imagined.

Also being sure is often based on a lot of assumptions and an attitude.

@Symphony24 I agree that it's impossible to be sure. But I really think people should have fewer children not more-and to be as sure as they possibly can be before they have them.