"To have or not to have children?"

[Indecisivewoman]

Hello, people, can you help me? I am very, very, very unsure about having children or not, it's really a huge dilemma for me. I have considered many advantages and disadvantages from both sides, and yet I am still undecided. I am 38 years old and I feel I am at the age limit. As you all here are experienced parents, maybe you can help me. I read a lot out there that many people regret having children, but they don't talk about it. Can anyone here give me some guidance? I am afraid of regretting not having children in the future. And I am afraid of regretting having children. It's such a difficult decision for me! And I like children a lot! But I also love my freedom.

Thank you very much! Best wishes for you all.

And that's your valid option, but you are offending those without children by insinuating we are don't have loving families, need a replacement for a child and are vacuous enough to just want holidays. Just because it's not the life you want doesn't mean you can pick at it.

Having children does not equal a loving stable family. The two may coincide, but may not.

If you aren't sure if you want children, then don't have children. You should really, really want them.

Don’t have them unless you really, really want them. I do know a few parents who regret having their kids. They love them, of course, and would do anything for them, but if they could choose over again not to take that path, they wouldn’t.

I never wanted any, never had any, and don’t have any feeling of having missed out.

You're attacking again. At which point in this thread has a childfree person attacked you for your life choices? Nowhere. You're being deliberately offensive.

I’m proudly childfree, I don’t enjoy holidays so never go, work part time and life is bliss. I don’t need a ‘child replacement’ because I’d absolutely hate to be impregnated or a parent, so I’m missing nothing. Pretty sad that the only way that thread derailer can find fulfilment is by having a kid, then waiting for her kid to reproduce. Seems like an unsustainable ponzi scheme on a planet dying under the weight of over 8 billion humans.

@JorisBonson
Me saying I wouldn't be fulfilled without children isn't offensive. It's my view that I've shared. If you have an opposite view - ok- that's your view.

I desperately wanted a child at 18 more than anything else in the world. I had one at 21. I didn't have any more.
Having children very young is great because you have loads of energy, there is time to develop your career later on which I have done, But by God it's hard work, don't let anyone tell you different. You life will basically be your child from birth to forever.
DS is 41 now and I love him dearly but I'm glad I didn't have any more.

Every animal on earth desires to pre create - we exist. Because of it.

No need to try undermine my view or says it not valid. You do you and I'll do me. I happen to think children are the MOST valuable thing and MY choices and views reflect that. You're allowed to think differently and make your own choices.

You literally said "Maybe I'm offended you don't value or want to sacrifice for children"

You are implying that childfree people are selfish in not "making the sacrifice". You are being deliberately inflammatory.

@JorisBonson
I literally said I wasn't offended.
I was giving you a similar style of view to your own.

I.e. you've said your offended (weird) and I've given an equivalent example of how someone with my view could be offended.

The fact you think that comment is wrong and offensive surely proves my point? That you are the one name calling and making personal comments.

😂😂 I give up. Are you reading your own posts and getting offended?

Off for a holiday and to be selfish now.

Enjoy!

You've not understood which is a shame.

To be clear my view is

• children are worth every sacrifice and I personally would not feel happy or satisfied without them.
• you can make your own informed choice and need to be ok with whatever the potential consequences of no children may be I.e. potentially lonely and unfulfilled.
• equally - you need to be happy with the consequences of having children - stress? Impact on finances etc

So- decide what you value most and what you're willing to risk more and then make your decision.

Further questions to ask yourself:

Am I in a committed and supportive relationship?
Do I own property that is suitable for a family?
Have me and my partner got good physical and mental health?
Can I afford a child? And likely afford them for 18 years?
Can I afford childcare?
Do I have family around to support me? If not could I build a network?
Can I envisage going to playgroups, parties, child friendly holidays, A&E with them, looking after them whilst I am ill, dealing with school bullying and teenagers, emotional outbursts

these are the questions I asked myself before I had kids as I was undecided. I decided to go for it. I’m so glad I did. I now have an 18month old and a newborn and they’re the best thing ever. Yes I’m tired and poorer, but richer in many other ways

What tends to happen with these sort of posts is that you get both parents and childfree people becoming increasingly defensive about their decisions. It doesn't mean either are wrong, just that there are some twats in both camps who like to start an argument.

No one can make the decision other than you and your partner, if you have one.

I know a lot of parents will say that only they know both sides of the fence because they were childfree too...yeah, but in my case, the last time I was childfree was 24 years old, just married and still wanting to go clubbing and holidaying in Ibiza every summer. Even if I hadn't had kids I wouldn't have that lifestyle now at 51 so it's stupid to assume that a childfree person my age is doing the things I did before children.

I also think that a lot of parents have rose tinted specs when they think about what they would have done without kids. In my childfree fantasy world I wouldnt have quit my PhD and would have become a scientist of international renown. The truth is, I would have made the same choices as I actually made and ended up as an NHS manager.

I don't mind admitting that I had a child because it was the next thing to tick off after getting married. There wasn't a lot of thought put into it, it was just something we did. I always assumed I'd have kids because that was what we all did. And this was only 25-30 years ago, not the dark ages. If I'd stopped and thought about it, I'm not sure I would have had them at all. While I adore them, of course, I'm not a maternal person and I struggled with becoming a mother and the loss of identity, the boring drudgery and basically everything to do with parenthood. I wish I'd stopped and thought about what I really wanted from my life instead of ticking off the next box on the to do list of life.

I think that if you have a good life now and feel content with it, don't have a child.

I'm child free by choice and I don't have any regrets.

It wasn't a consideration at the time, but I'm really relieved that I don't have children who are going to have to deal with the climate crisis. Things that we were told might happen far in the future are happening right now, so unless we get our act together very, very quickly, I think you would be bring children into a world where their lives are likely to be more difficult and less pleasant than yours.

I know it doesn't bother some people, but if you're on the fence it might be worth taking into consideration.

Not if you're unsure, it's such a big part of yourself that you essentially hand away. I would suggest fostering for a while if you feel you have love, time and attention you want to give to children. You could volunteer to work with kids groups, or families. There are a lot of adults in my childhood that helped me learn and grow who have never had kids!

Every animal on earth desires to pre create - we exist. Because of it.

I told myself I wouldn't engage but - every animal on earth wants sex. Offspring are a side effect of sex (M/F anyway). And there's scientific evidence for animals having non-reproductive sex.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20140613-do-animals-have-sex-for-fun

You seriously saying that animals make reproductive choices just like humans do?

If you are not sure then do not have any.

Also it is far far preferable to regret not having children than having them.

Me and DH chose to remain childfree and, now in our late 60's, we have never ever regretted that decision even for a second. In fact we are even more sure we made the right decision.

Most of our friends have children (many with grandchildren and great grandchildren) and so so many of them say if they could go back in time they would not have any.

Also most of our friends with children are divorced or in unhappy marriages. Our childfree friends on the other hand are happily married (still in first marriages). All have been married at least 30 years.

I'd let them know what the risks are of each. They're allowed to make their own decisions.

I think Jellyx is rather like a former colleague (male) who took my childfree and happy about it status as a personal insult. He'd harangue me about it, telling me there was something wrong with me, I'd end up a lonely old woman and die alone. Needless to say all his ranting achieved nothing but to make me fell deeply sorry for his young children, who were going to grow up thinking they had no choice but to have children of their own, even if they didn't want to.

I've repeatedly said others can choose differently and I hope they're well.

Where have I told people what to do? Ive made very clear people should evaluate all risks and made VERY clear when it's my OWN values /beliefs.