Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

"To have or not to have children?"

122 replies

Indecisivewoman · 04/08/2023 00:52

Hello, people, can you help me? I am very, very, very unsure about having children or not, it's really a huge dilemma for me. I have considered many advantages and disadvantages from both sides, and yet I am still undecided. I am 38 years old and I feel I am at the age limit. As you all here are experienced parents, maybe you can help me. I read a lot out there that many people regret having children, but they don't talk about it. Can anyone here give me some guidance? I am afraid of regretting not having children in the future. And I am afraid of regretting having children. It's such a difficult decision for me! And I like children a lot! But I also love my freedom.

Thank you very much! Best wishes for you all.

OP posts:
mumstressoutmum · 04/08/2023 14:57

If you love your freedom, don't have kids lol.
I loved my freedom and somehow convinced myself I wouldn't mind making sacrifices for my child...and now I miss my old life every day.
But, I also love my son to death.
Once you have them here, you don't really 'regret' I think, but you know how much easier life could be. At least that's my experience... Taboo to say it out loud i know!

carryonregardless15 · 04/08/2023 17:28

I wanted kids but was on the fence for a long time. Life can be great with or without.

Lottapianos · 04/08/2023 17:33

'There's a Childfree board on here if you want to talk to people who don't have children for whatever reason.'

Came on to say the same thing. Please join us there OP

I was absolutely torn about having kids for years and years. It's not a black and white obvious decision for all of us. I'm 43 now and childfree and I recommend it very highly. I'm more and more grateful all the time that I didn't have kids

Original poster
Indecisivewoman · 04/08/2023 22:57

@Lottapianos, thank you for your comment! Where is this childfree board here? I would love to join!

OP posts:
Jellyx · 05/08/2023 08:31

What's make important than having the joy of family and children?
An extra holiday a year?

Giveover80 · 05/08/2023 08:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Asunnyspot · 05/08/2023 08:46

Don’t do it.

I genuinely don’t think anyone should have children unless they have had an life long overwhelming need to. And if they have no real interests outside family and work.

You like your freedom. That you will have almost none off. Most parenting is drudgery and toil. Kids don’t go off and play with each other like they used to, so evenings are taken up with taking them to their ‘activities’. A lot of home life is taken up with continually reminding and nagging kids to do stuff they don’t want to. Having to think for and organise another human sucks.

You have very little time for your own interests, especially if you continue to actually like your partner and have to factor spending time with them into your to do list.

And the expense! Unless you are minted it’s just not worth the massive financial hit.

Abd don’t listen to any numpty who tells you ‘ you only regret the things you didn’t do’. Why do people say that when it’s clearly not true? You can only have a kinda wistful limerance about things you didn’t do, safe in the knowledge that you’ll never know how they worked out. It’s the stuff you did do, that actually wrecked your life, that you end up bitterly regretting.

Giveover80 · 05/08/2023 08:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Asunnyspot · 05/08/2023 08:57

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 08:31

What's make important than having the joy of family and children?
An extra holiday a year?

Kids cost a lot, lot more than an extra family a year, and that’s just in terms of money. They cost a lot in other ways too.

KylieKangaroo · 05/08/2023 09:00

I don't think anyone can answer this for you it has to come from you somehow. I don't regret having mine, they have made me a stronger and braver person but that's not to say it's for everyone.

JorisBonson · 05/08/2023 09:26

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 08:31

What's make important than having the joy of family and children?
An extra holiday a year?

I have a family. Families don't have to include children.

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 09:29

@Asunnyspot
Oh - they cost so much and are definitely a sacrifice. I just think they're worth it and more important than money and 'freedom.'

I'm not saying you have children for the purpose of company in your old age - but that is a blessing - and if you don't have children I can imagine getting very lonely in old age.

Of course there's children who don't visit their elderly parents - I'd like to think my children wouldn't do that.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 09:32

I just think they're worth it and more important than money and 'freedom.'

Why freedom in inverted commas? and as someone said, that's true for you. Can you understand that it isn't for other people?

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 09:33

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 09:32

I just think they're worth it and more important than money and 'freedom.'

Why freedom in inverted commas? and as someone said, that's true for you. Can you understand that it isn't for other people?

What exactly is freedom? Go on holiday when you want? Or have a loving, stable family...

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 09:34

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 09:32

I just think they're worth it and more important than money and 'freedom.'

Why freedom in inverted commas? and as someone said, that's true for you. Can you understand that it isn't for other people?

Yes. I think many of those people regret not having children and are lonely in old age. Seen it with colleague age 40+ so many times!

Leo227 · 05/08/2023 09:35

Loss / change of freedom depends on your setup. I have a fully involved partner so have no trouble getting to get gym 3 x a week and out with friends as an when we both want.
We have some family help but also enough money to pay for babysitters frequently so have time together.
We have taken the children out to restaurants with us from birth and they sleep fine in their prams, so no issues being out when it's their bedtime (although we never make it a really late night anyway).
Holidays are different but enjoyable in their own right, we went abroad when baby was 7 weeks old and havent stopped since. and ultimately its only a few years of your life before holidays start looking more normal again as the children become more like little friends or eventually don't even want to come with you!

however If you are a single parent / low income etc all of the above may be impossible or much more difficult. although I have single friends who also seem to manage and enjoy it.

Gloriousgardener11 · 05/08/2023 09:37

Children are children for such a short amount of time, they soon become independent adults before you know it.

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 09:37

It's such a personal decision, I would say though that if you aren't sure I wouldn't. I'd rather regret not having them than regretting having a life long commitment that engulfs large portions of your life. I do have one DC which for me is a good balance, I wouldn't want another and similarly I believe I would have had an equally enjoyable, fulfilling life if I had remained childfree though.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 09:41

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 09:34

Yes. I think many of those people regret not having children and are lonely in old age. Seen it with colleague age 40+ so many times!

Show quote history

So they might not actually regret it at all, might they, if you just think they do.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/08/2023 09:41

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 09:33

What exactly is freedom? Go on holiday when you want? Or have a loving, stable family...

Show quote history

Family isn't just children, FYI.

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 09:44

Also regarding loss of 'freedom', it depends on what you class as freedom I suppose. I have a very supportive DH who (rightly) does his share of parenting and a decent support network so I get time to myself and see friends, play a sport I enjoy etc; but I'm never fully relaxed even when away as even though he's more than capable of looking after DS I just think you don't ever as a parent just switch off from thinking about them fully. So I suppose even with the freedom to do my own thing and have time away it isn't the same as just having yourself to think about and those who you choose to care about (if that makes sense- when I was childfree I still thought of others and worried often but I don't think it's the same beholden kind of way).

There are also absolutely concessions to be made, even if you fancy just popping to the shops you can't just head out of the door you have to make sure you have babies stuff when they're small etc- it's manageable and not a huge deal if you really want to be a parent, but if you're not sure i think it'd become old quickly. Same with money, your priorities often change to pay for childcare etc so unless on a decent wage your spending habits generally change.

There are certainly parents who regret having children, personally I've never met anyone who actively chose not to have children who have regretted it (obviously not including those with fertility issues etc who didn't have an active choice).

Changingplace · 05/08/2023 09:44

At 38 if you’ve never even tried then quite honestly it’s possible that it might not even be an option anyway.

It’s all very well people (who likely have never ever struggled to conceive) to say ‘yes do it’ but the facts are that the closer you get to 40 the less likely it is you can conceive anyway, so remember it’s just not as simple as saying oh yes I’ll have a baby now.

I’m not looking for ‘I/my next door neighbour had a baby at 38/48 etc’ here, I’m just offering that opinion that for many, it’s just not a simple decision in any case at your age.

JorisBonson · 05/08/2023 09:47

Jellyx · 05/08/2023 09:33

What exactly is freedom? Go on holiday when you want? Or have a loving, stable family...

Show quote history

A loving, stable family doesn't need children.

CloudyMcCloud · 05/08/2023 09:51

It’s a really personal decision. You could get loads of posts from both child free and those with dc saying they are really happy.

But that doesn’t translate to how you’ll feel either way

I don’t know how you can decide. Do you have a partner who has feelings either way? Not that they override your decision but just for context