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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

35 yr old healthy female dead from cancer in 12 weeks

80 replies

dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 01:34

Just had news 35 year old friend of friend dead from cancer diagnosis within 12 weeks

Terribly business, children involved. Husbands bereft,

Upon hearing the terrible news I placated with the usual "so young, so soon, the poor fella, family and kids...."

I loosely said "makes you wonder if covid wasn't around if she could've been seen, treated or advised quicker"
(Given that there are millions of delayed treatments now, kidney transplants, mastectomy's, hip replacements etc)
Friend absolutely lost their shit at me saying "oh it's all about covid with you ain't it, you don't know shit, an expert on cancer now are you?"
I replied no of course not, but a healthy woman to die within 11-12 weeks of diagnosis is awful, I wonder if it had a part to play.....
Then a barrage of abuse and "youre jealous cos it's something that ain't all about you" this smarts, pretty appalling thing to say.....for daring to have an opinion/thought process on the situation,
What I though was my friend and I are house sitting for my sister, they've called me expletives and upset me to the point I'm shaking lump in my throat....wondering what prompted such a reaction (bf hasn't known direct couple involved for years....)
They've sulked off furious at me downstairs their cars outside and I have interview for new job in -6 hours
I'm feeling horrific here how wrong would I be to say there's your car F off in it, you've blown this out of proportion?
I barely could speak without being berated I'm devastated here

OP posts:
bellabelle1994 · 20/09/2021 01:36

Sorry to hear about your friend, so heartbreaking

Original poster
dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 01:39

It's sad for strep but not a friend as such of mine or my best friend
Awful for sure but should I allow someone so hostile to stay under my/sisters roof, they've genuinely taken what I said and made Kilimanjaro out of a mole hill, I can't get over the "not all about you comment"
I've done so much for this person over time I'm genuinely gutted

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Nancydrawn · 20/09/2021 01:40

What was the relation of the person who got upset to the person who died? I think that might change a lot of advice.

Porridgealert · 20/09/2021 01:41

What awful news. I'm so sorry.
TBH if she passed away so soon after diagnosis, it does seem as if the cancer was very advanced and maybe an earlier diagnosis of a few months wouldn't have made much difference. Awful for her family to always wonder, though.

GingerScallop · 20/09/2021 01:42

Sorry to hear this. I don't think you were wrong in your response/questioning. I wonder if something else is going on with your friend to react like this. Try to put it off your mind for now , get some sleep and good luck with interview

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/09/2021 01:43

Crikey.
Sounds like your friend had been holding in some bad feeling and it just burst out
It would be a good idea to tell her to leave. You both need a bit of space

Original poster
dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 01:44

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Crikey. Sounds like your friend had been holding in some bad feeling and it just burst out It would be a good idea to tell her to leave. You both need a bit of space
I'm thinking there shan't be a wink of sleep in this house otherwise
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Original poster
dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 01:46

@Nancydrawn

What was the relation of the person who got upset to the person who died? I think that might change a lot of advice.
A friend of a friend, small town mentality someone popped in shop and told my friend Who I'm remiss to call that at present!
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Nancydrawn · 20/09/2021 01:53

If this was your friend's friend, I imagine she's hurt and grieving right now. People lash out at these times.

The idea that cancer could have been prevented if they had known about it earlier, even if true, can be really upsetting. Because now instead of being a horrible tragedy that no one could have prevented—struck by lightning, say—it's something that happened because of human choices. It means that a mistake was made, and that someone can be blamed, rather than it just being a kind of awful act of God. That can be hugely upsetting to people.

Obviously she shouldn't have been rude to you. But if this is out of character for her, rather than being angry, you could say to yourself, she must be really hurting right now—I'll give her a break. If it's in character, then I'd be dialing back on the friendship.

Nancydrawn · 20/09/2021 01:54

That lightning but wasn't meant to be crossed out– it's what happens when you get dash happy!

Original poster
dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 01:58

@Nancydrawn

If this was your friend's friend, I imagine she's hurt and grieving right now. People lash out at these times.

The idea that cancer could have been prevented if they had known about it earlier, even if true, can be really upsetting. Because now instead of being a horrible tragedy that no one could have prevented—struck by lightning, say—it's something that happened because of human choices. It means that a mistake was made, and that someone can be blamed, rather than it just being a kind of awful act of God. That can be hugely upsetting to people.

Obviously she shouldn't have been rude to you. But if this is out of character for her, rather than being angry, you could say to yourself, she must be really hurting right now—I'll give her a break. If it's in character, then I'd be dialing back on the friendship.

Thank you, very safe advice, I didn't mean any malice and I thought our previously tight relationship would've shown that, I hate confrontation I try to swerve Covid topics as a rule, I just said it, but not without empathy It's a terrible business what's happened to said person no way I saw such a hostile reaction, by the way said best friend is a hetro male he barely knows neither woman involved or husband so to my mind makes the outburst more staggering
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Original poster
dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 01:58

Sage advice**

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Unsure1983 · 20/09/2021 02:05

I think when she lost her shit the first time you should have realised she was really upset and left it alone, not nailed down your point.

Unsure1983 · 20/09/2021 02:06

Oh, it's a man sorry. And he doesnt know the person? I take it back. That is strange. I would tell him to leave but probably a bit late for that now. Maybe he should leave tomorrow.

timeisnotaline · 20/09/2021 02:12

If he barely knows them I’d ask him to leave. You don’t need to share a house with someone who seems out to attack you.

Original poster
dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 02:14

@Unsure1983

Oh, it's a man sorry. And he doesnt know the person? I take it back. That is strange. I would tell him to leave but probably a bit late for that now. Maybe he should leave tomorrow.
Indeed, they only mentioned it in passing! Spent 3 days together no sweat prior to this! I can't fathom it, but trying to fathom a mans thought process is like trying to play snooker with a rope! I've just said you've gotta leave I can't rest easy with you living about and I don't want to let the sun go down on an argument so it's best, Been called awful things but he's gone and that's the best outcome from a sorry situation
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FlowerArranger · 20/09/2021 02:14

I'm not sure I understand everything that's going on here, but if you are at your sister's house can you ask the person who us upsetting you to leave? And catch some sleep ahead of your interview Flowers

Original poster
dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 02:15

@FlowerArranger

I'm not sure I understand everything that's going on here, but if you are at your sister's house can you ask the person who us upsetting you to leave? And catch some sleep ahead of your interview Flowers
I've just had to There's too much tension, I let an hour go by and thought it's got to be done
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Rangoon · 20/09/2021 02:22

I'd ask them to leave. Of course you're shaken by that kind of response especially if they didn't know the person well. If they refuse to leave I'd call the police because it doesn't seem like he is being entirely rational.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2021 02:28

Something's going on. Either in his life (cancer worry or diagnosis, anxiety) or in his relationship with you (he's been holding anger in about something). Or he's an abusive arsehole. Which one? Who knows?

Original poster
dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 02:32

@Rangoon

I'd ask them to leave. Of course you're shaken by that kind of response especially if they didn't know the person well. If they refuse to leave I'd call the police because it doesn't seem like he is being entirely rational.
Irrational is right, a very good friend of mine hung theirselves 6 years ago at the back of mine, I remember thinking you know and have met said person and very cold response yet you're outraged at this death, I know one was intentional and one unforeseen but kids and spouses involved so equally as sad, I can't make head nor tail if it but thanks to the insomniacs who replied Night one and all 😴
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Original poster
dreamofaVWcamper · 20/09/2021 02:34

@MrsTerryPratchett

Something's going on. Either in his life (cancer worry or diagnosis, anxiety) or in his relationship with you (he's been holding anger in about something). Or he's an abusive arsehole. Which one? Who knows?
Indeed, I'm better off out of it, I can't heal the world, Saw something tonight quite narcissistic that put me in mind of my days of a counseller, some moons ago but the knowledge never leaves you....
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Plumtree391 · 20/09/2021 03:01

I am very sorry to hear about this young woman and I might well have thought the same as you. Your friends sound extremely vulgar, frankly, vehemently having a go at you about your remark. How did you saying that make it all about you?

A friend of my son died last year, not of Covid. She had a brain haemorrhage, went to hospital, had scan, given meds and discharged home! Told to come back if she felt bad. Well - she died suddenly. Had it not been for covid, she would have been kept in, properly treated and probably alive today. It was scandalous, she was 45.

However your friend of friend's type of cancer may have been a particularly aggressive one which showed no or little symptoms until it was quite advanced. You don't say what or where it was.

Cancers in younger people grow more quickly than in older folk. It's very tragic but we don't know if Covid played a part or not, it is possible she would have died quickly anyway. However what you said was not unreasonable and you didn't deserve to be slated for it. Horriible lot (I can't work out from your posts if it is one person, the friend of the deceased, or more than one). However people do grieve differently and sometimes whatever you say is wrong in those circumstances.

LaurenKelsey · 20/09/2021 03:19

I would be backing way off from this “friendship”. Don’t let people abuse you like that, whatever their so-called excuse.

starrynight21 · 20/09/2021 04:14

My best friend died just the same way a few years ago - totally healthy ( she thought ), 40 , working full time. Got a sore bottom but thought it was because her new car seat was a bit uncomfortable , so she didn't see the doctor straight away. She saw him ,and was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer , and she was gone within 12 weeks.

You didn't deserve to be abused about your Covid comments, but do be aware that people can die quickly from cancer - it isn't always treatable.