Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Husband cheated with sex worker

100 replies

Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:07

’ve seen a few thread on this already so I guess I’m just another victim of the lovely adultworks website. Went away on business for a week (and flew my husband out for a surprise) but he came a few days after me and upon return I discovered he had ordered a prostitute of that website. I have two small toddlers and we were very happy. I’m beyond distraught and can’t eat. I have a full on job and am the breadwinner so must work. I have supported my husband for 8 years and provided him with a job doing what he loves. My money is now heavily tied up in a project he is halfway through and if he doesn’t complete it I lose my life savings. So I can’t sinply cut him loose as much as I want to. What would you do? I want a divorce because someone who does this when they’re really happy is not normal. Imagine when we’re not perfectly happy. I am so confused. I feel violently ill and can’t look at him. I wish I could leave the country and I would if I wasn’t stuck with this project. I can’t tell anyone and have no support. All my family is overseas and this is too humiliating to share. I am alone and I am suffocating.

OP posts:
niteandfog · 26/04/2018 10:11

Have you asked him why did he do it?

TheHumanMothboy · 26/04/2018 10:15

Where were your children while he was shagging someone?

Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:16

Yes of course. He says excitement though he denies he actually did it. He says he came home at noon had a rum and coke looked on the website called one up. Then went and had a shower and decided he cha he’s his mind and could t so cancelled it. His story changes a lot and the night before he withdrew £200. Why would you cancel it if you’ve gone that far and that’s very brazen behaviour for a one off first time. He was stone cold sober and hired one at mid day like it’s takeout? That seems like someone who is pretty familiar with it all to me.

OP posts:
Frosty66612 · 26/04/2018 10:16

How Long roughly will the project take to finish? Could he maybe rent a room in a house share or something until it’s done and then you could divorce?
Has he said why he did it? There’s not really any excuse that I can think of that would ever make it ok because even if you aren’t having regular sex together or he’s going through some sort of life crisis it’s never an excuse to cheat. Does he know that you know yet?

Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:18

It was during the day and my boys are at nursery all day. It was the perfect crime as I was in the Us and his mother (who lives a long way south) was at a funeral so no chance she would just pop in and surprise. (She was coming the next day to help woth the children as he was joining me out in the states for the weekend) however she could not come up that day due to a funeral so no risk me or her knowing and kids at daycare.

OP posts:
NumberFrame · 26/04/2018 10:19

How long will the project take to complete? Would you be able to immediately get your money back out once it’s done?

TuTru · 26/04/2018 10:19

How awful for you xx
Get rid when you can xx

TheHumanMothboy · 26/04/2018 10:19

What kind of project are we talking? Is he renovating a property?

niteandfog · 26/04/2018 10:20

As someone who is an expat living in the UK I fully understand the temptation of just moving back. I'd you want to divorce I think that's very reason, over here it takes time do you'll be linked for at least 6 months. If you think that your marriage is worth fighting (although it doesn't seem that way) counseling might be an option.

TheHumanMothboy · 26/04/2018 10:21

When you say you 'provided him with a job', may I ask why?
It sounds as though he's been taking you for a ride for a very long time.
First steps- get yourself tested for STIs, because he has definitely done this before.

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/04/2018 10:24

Let him finish the project and use the time to get yourself in as good a position as possible - find and take advice from a good lawyer, secure as much of your finances as you can and plan your new life.

Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:24

He knows I said I want a divorce and want him to stay anywhere in the meantime but he won’t. He’s agreed to finding a flat. He has no excuse we were happy and he says he is happy. I’m not unattractive and no we don’t go at it like rabbits but I do try. I work 17 hour days then up at 6 for my kids who are toddlers and full on. Somethings gotta give. He said he liked reading the profiles only but then I discovered the ph records and only then he admitted he called so now his story is he called and cancelled. Why would you when you have no chance of being caught and you have gone so far and the showers he has they would’ve arrived before he cancelled. I asked why read those profiles and he gets off on women who like shagging for money. I guess he liked feeling like the big man with the cash for a change. I informed him that many women are trafficked and no prostitute enjoys that job or chose it. They are forced to do it by circumstance and likely abhor ever man they see.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:26

Project will be at least a year. A property project I can’t sell it as it is. It’s worth nothing right now it’s a whole in the ground.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:28

So many plans are disrupted my mother is due to stay and I can’t face it but she is termanilly ill so I want to see her as it’ll be her last chance. I have to have him help pick up the kids as we need my job to finance everything. I’m literally stuck and feel like I am drowning.

OP posts:
niteandfog · 26/04/2018 10:29

Then I would say file for divorce asap. You can build small print about finishing the project before the divorce can be finalized and even set deadlines for it (I had to put something similar in mine) . Just beware they all marriages here are with joint assets.

Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:30

I’ve contemplated counselling but if someone has a hooker obsession what’s the point? It’s not a marriage problem it’s his issue. If he does this when he’s happy then what?? I can’t look at him.

OP posts:
niteandfog · 26/04/2018 10:32

He might have links that go beyond the hooker thing. You don't have to stay with and given it's his bad he has to cooperate. Most fetishes have nothing to do with sex itself. But he would have to figure out himself

Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:32

Do you think because I have two small children I should forgive this? I really see a mountain ahead of me but don’t think I wil ever trust him and our marriage will never be the same. I’ll always harbour resentment. Trust is all there is. I want to do what’s best for my kids and I don’t know if that’s staying and letting their father do this again because he will. Or leaving and then having a broken family

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:37

I urge all wives to check your husbands history for adultworks honestly it is so easy you don’t have to even join and they’re cheap - very easy to do. I think it’s a hugely popular site

OP posts:
niteandfog · 26/04/2018 10:40

Its really down to you,but if the trust is gone then I don't think that can be fixed. Honey, there's not such a thing as a broken family. Kids can grow and have a happy childhood even if their folks are divorced. Its much better to have two parents who are happily divorce than one always resenting the other one for whatever reason. When trust is gone it's gone and that won't take you anywhere.

Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 10:43

What do you mean when you say “he might have links beyond the hooker thing” has anyone had this experience before?

OP posts:
MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 26/04/2018 10:53

I'm so sorry you had to go through finding that out my lovely. I guess if they had visited with him, it'd be in the marital bed? Utterly utterly grim.

I'm sorry but I think he's lying. He withdrew £200 - so where is it?

I'm concerned for your physical safety first. Assuming you might have been intimate during your alone time in the US - please get an STD check?

I know - it's like a whole other kick in the stomach but you need to prioritise yourself.

I forgave my exH for being on adult websites 8 times. Every time he promised he was only looking.

The trust was totally destroyed. It made me sick, physically sick, with stress. Every time he disappeared with the phone, every time I opened the browser history...I just felt sick and anxious.

Coupled with the fact that it completely ended our sex life. I tried, but would have panic attacks as soon as he tried. He physically repulsed me in the end.

It's no life.

Life is a struggle sometimes alone, but I can breathe deeply for the first time in years, and the feeling of freedom from that stress is like being born again.

Please don't be me. It won't get better. Get some legal advice, ask for support from friends (it's his dirty secret, not yours) and take some time to think about how you want to live your future, in peace, with trust and with happiness.

Sending you all the virtual strength I can. Thanks

niteandfog · 26/04/2018 11:02

I meant "kinks" ! But he could be a sex addict be into all sorts of fetishes...

Original poster
Crystaldaisy66 · 26/04/2018 11:02

I noticed when I got back to the UK my photo of me and my mum in our room had been put face down and I thought it was odd. It can’t fall over in that frame. I thought back to that and think he did it before the hooker came into our room. Makes sense and he forgot to pick it up. He denies that and says the cleaner did it. But the cleaner wouldnt do that why would she? I think all men cheat it’s just whether and when they get caught. I’m scared to be alone it is so hard on my own with the kids but as you say every time he leaves the house I will think the worst and even if I check his phone constantly he can just get another cheap pre pay phone. Once the trust is gone it’s broken I think. And ditto on sex if he thought he wasn’t getting much before he’s in for a long ride of celibacy -at best.

OP posts:
Alpineflowers · 26/04/2018 11:02

Crystaldaisy66-Do you think because I have two small children I should forgive this?

No. Apart from anything else, he has put your health at risk.

There was a time when a woman in your position would have been advised, even by professionals, to stay with him and 'make it work'. Old excuses like 'he was momentarily weak and tempted' or 'you did not fulfil his needs' or 'that's what men are like, they can't help it' or 'he was under pressure'. It was all, mostly woman blaming, nonsense of course.

I would make plans to leave him. Even if it meant lying to him, for example 'I need time, but maybe I can get over it'.
I would put my energy and time into securing finances for myself and my childrens future, even if I had to bare faced lie to him for now, especially if I was in your situation as you have already been supporting him in the past. It would also give you a goal and something to concentrate on.
I would understand if did forgive him though, because the pressure on you will be hard to resist, not just from him but from others too, his family and friends for example