Are daughters still expected to shoulder most care for elderly parents?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I was thinking about my own situation.

Over the last 8 years I have run myself ragged trying to help and appease my elderly father who has always been a difficult person to deal with. He lives with my mum who has dementia (now in the advancing stages). My sister helps too, on a lesser level as she works full time but she still does a fair bit for them.

I admit we are probably our own worst enemies but the issue with dementia is that it starts so small and you are happy to help out a little, then a little more, a bit more still and suddenly 8 years have passed by, you take stock and realise your emotional and physical work load has increased to levels you never would have willingly taken on had you fully understood the 'assignment'!

I then look at my in-laws. they have two sons - DH and BIL. MIL was diagnosed with a rare cancer in 2018 the same year my mum was diagnosed with dementia and whilst I was attending every appointment and getting all the help and info I could for my parents whilst also doing all their life admin, washing, cleaning etc (dad went to pieces and still struggles), my poor in-laws were attending every medical appointment on their own, bewildered and not understanding much at all because DH works full time (although he did try to attend as many appointments as he could) and BIL is a lazy arse who, although not working at the time, felt it was too much for him. There were times when we would contact the in-laws to discover they had spend the night in A&E and they wanted to 'bother' DH or BIL.

Mil has sadly passed away and FIL is on his own. Last year he fell and laid for 2 days without anyone knowing this because unlike my sister and I who call our on our parents on the daily, DH only sees his dad once a week and BIL once a fortnight (he lives 5 miles away).

And today it's ME who is feeling terrible because FIL is having a cataract removed and has no one to take him, he will go on the bus and come back on the bus. I have a social services care assessment for my mum so can't do it but have told him if he is still in hospital when it has ended at 2pm to call me straight away and I will collect him. He won't though because he has become so used to his children not always helping him that he does it all himself, he is 85. I feel so bad for him.

My friend and her sil have in-laws nearby, both have dementia and both my friend and sister in law wash them, dress them and look after all their needs. They have three sons who all live nearby yet it's the wives caring for them.

My own mother did everything for her dad once my nan died, my father only popped in on his mum once a week at most when she was on her own, I went her saw her more than he did and I was in my 20's and working full time.

I notice on all the dementia support groups that the majority of unpaid carers for elderly parents are women. There are of course exceptions to the rule but most are women. I am even on a FB group called Dementia Daughters. You'd be very surprised to know that there isn't a Dementia Son's group.

It still seems to be a given that women will take on this load, my father thinks family should always help out but by 'family' I am sure he means 'women'. As I say, I didn't see him going out of his way to help my GP all those years ago.

I know things will never change unless we change them but I do think the elderly need to change their views. I will have it put in a living will that I do not want my own children caring for me should I become elderly, demented or just needing extra help, I would rather pay for that help or go into a care home.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

Sorry for your in-laws. My in-laws also have 2 sons. They are in their 90s and need lots of support and bil and dh provide this (esp bil tbf) with help from sil and myself.

Fil was rushed into hospital for an emergency op at the weekend and dh has been with him every day whilst bil stays with his mum and looks after her. It would be unthinkable for one of them to have a fall and no one to know.

My uncle did more than my mum for their parents.
DHs uncle also did a lot for his parents.

So its not always the case, no.

I'be extremely surprised if, on average, women didn't do vastly more elderly parental care than men, as we do more of all other kinds of care. C'est le patriarchy, and yeah, it shouldn't be like this, and we need to stay vigilant and vocal about any assumptions and unfairness related to this.

Obviously there are loads of individual counter examples. I know men who care heroically for elderly relatives, I know women who choose to completely eschew this form of labour.

And every situation is different, so I make no judgement about individuals unless I am fully informed of the context.

I provided a lot of care for my late father who had dementia - I was happy to do this although I obviously wished it hadn't been necessary - but I loved him very much so wanted to do what I could. I would have liked it if my brother had helped more, but certain things I just don't think he felt capable of. And at the end of the day, it was my choice to give what I did - nobody put a gun to my head.

Should my mom require care, I will also be willing to provide it. Again, I do have a choice.

But only you fully know your own circumstances, OP. Don't give more than you are prepared to lose.

Op its hard isnt it. I have 2 sisters we all do a day. But the more you do... sister does day thats her limit. She right you could be on road 7 days week. 80s. I find its expected too.

Hospitals absolutely expect it. When my Mum was discharged from hospital, the nurse and the OT said “It’s good that you have a daughter, she will need to do x, y, z…” My Mum (thankfully) said, no she won’t, she has children, a full time job and doesn’t live near me.

There was a thread on MN yesterday which was an eye opener.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5565452-aibu-to-ask-how-much-your-husbands-contribute-to-household-bills?page=1
Most of the posters boasted that their husband pays most of the bills. Many of the posters do not work or only do a bit part time.
It is not surprising that women have the time to look after their elderly parents ( not the in laws though)

Look some will come on here to immediately say things like ‘My DH goes to see his elderly DM five times a day’ . And some men are like that. But they are RARE.

In reality, we all know, the majority of men do not lose an ounce of sleep over their elderly in need parents, and think absolutely nothing of leaving them to it. It doesn’t even enter their heads. They are totally self centric and self focused. After many years of seeing this in my own relatives, in friends’ relatives, in strangers’ relatives, I’ve just accepted that many men are extremely selfish and uncaring. They are like a different breed to most women. Even the men who are mild mannered, outwardly kind in disposition and perfectly polite and agreeable. They just have a breath taking tendency to not give a shit about someone else’s pain or trauma or health needs. It’s quite scary if you think about it. Which is why we scrabble around focusing more on why women get roped into these roles more because it’s actually quite hard to swallow the cold hard facts. Men don’t care as much. We are just the less selfish and more loving sex. Men seem pre programmed with a sensitivity chip missing. They just don’t care. Simple as that.

Were you standing next to your brother at the time? Do you have a brother that the nurse knew about it? If not, then isn't it possible that the nurse referred to you simply because you exist and are known to her?

In my personal and professional life I can think of many sons who have taken on caring roles for elderly parents and other relatives. And that includes a young man whose mother was diagnosed with a brain tumour weeks after he graduated and as he was about to move abroad for work. He abandoned his career plans and moved back home to care for his mother. She lived for another 10 years, and for the last probably 4 or 5 years of her life he did absolutely everything for her.

If woman are disproportionately taking on caring roles when there are brothers who could share that load, then there must be a combination of factors at work. Maybe it's down to how much they care about their parents, how much they care about what other people think about them. Maybe it is because they do have more time, and if they don't have more time, then why are they managing their time in that way? Are woman more easily guilted into doing things?

I have a sister, no bothers. My BIL is easily more caring than my sister and me. He has a brother, no sisters. He not only took on the bulk of the caring role for his own parents and an elderly aunt (sharing that care with his brother) but has also of his own volition involved himself in various ways in the care of my own elderly parents.

Ah so other people's experiences are just staristically insignificant outliers @littlebasketofapples whilst your experience is reflective of The Truth.

There will always be exceptions to the rule but statistically women are more likely to be unpaid carers for their family members than men. A quick google will tell you this, the figures on the CarersUk website show 59% of unpaid carers are women, that goes up to over 80% for paid carers.

Are those figures exclusive to elder care or do they cover other types of care too? And how are they derived? Men are more likely to provide care for parents alongside working so Im not surprised that they dont appear in the figures as carers. My dh and his brother provide a lot of support or their parents but I doubt that's captured anywhere - who would know?

It does appear care across all ages is higher amongst women but that gap does appear to narrow once people are in their 60's. I imagine that's mainly due to men more likely to be reducing hours or have already retired.

I'm in my early 50's as are most of my friends, and we (the women in our friendship circles) are still doing the lions share of care and responsibilities for our parents and older relatives, even those working full time.