Are daughters still expected to shoulder most care for elderly parents?

[EndlessSeaViews]

I was thinking about my own situation.

Over the last 8 years I have run myself ragged trying to help and appease my elderly father who has always been a difficult person to deal with. He lives with my mum who has dementia (now in the advancing stages). My sister helps too, on a lesser level as she works full time but she still does a fair bit for them.

I admit we are probably our own worst enemies but the issue with dementia is that it starts so small and you are happy to help out a little, then a little more, a bit more still and suddenly 8 years have passed by, you take stock and realise your emotional and physical work load has increased to levels you never would have willingly taken on had you fully understood the 'assignment'!

I then look at my in-laws. they have two sons - DH and BIL. MIL was diagnosed with a rare cancer in 2018 the same year my mum was diagnosed with dementia and whilst I was attending every appointment and getting all the help and info I could for my parents whilst also doing all their life admin, washing, cleaning etc (dad went to pieces and still struggles), my poor in-laws were attending every medical appointment on their own, bewildered and not understanding much at all because DH works full time (although he did try to attend as many appointments as he could) and BIL is a lazy arse who, although not working at the time, felt it was too much for him. There were times when we would contact the in-laws to discover they had spend the night in A&E and they wanted to 'bother' DH or BIL.

Mil has sadly passed away and FIL is on his own. Last year he fell and laid for 2 days without anyone knowing this because unlike my sister and I who call our on our parents on the daily, DH only sees his dad once a week and BIL once a fortnight (he lives 5 miles away).

And today it's ME who is feeling terrible because FIL is having a cataract removed and has no one to take him, he will go on the bus and come back on the bus. I have a social services care assessment for my mum so can't do it but have told him if he is still in hospital when it has ended at 2pm to call me straight away and I will collect him. He won't though because he has become so used to his children not always helping him that he does it all himself, he is 85. I feel so bad for him.

My friend and her sil have in-laws nearby, both have dementia and both my friend and sister in law wash them, dress them and look after all their needs. They have three sons who all live nearby yet it's the wives caring for them.

My own mother did everything for her dad once my nan died, my father only popped in on his mum once a week at most when she was on her own, I went her saw her more than he did and I was in my 20's and working full time.

I notice on all the dementia support groups that the majority of unpaid carers for elderly parents are women. There are of course exceptions to the rule but most are women. I am even on a FB group called Dementia Daughters. You'd be very surprised to know that there isn't a Dementia Son's group.

It still seems to be a given that women will take on this load, my father thinks family should always help out but by 'family' I am sure he means 'women'. As I say, I didn't see him going out of his way to help my GP all those years ago.

I know things will never change unless we change them but I do think the elderly need to change their views. I will have it put in a living will that I do not want my own children caring for me should I become elderly, demented or just needing extra help, I would rather pay for that help or go into a care home.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

I have sons who gave me amazing support when DH was ill and died. They honestly couldn’t have done more. They continue to support me.

I think my generation has moved on - I have children at primary school and know more stay at home dads than mums, or families where both parents have reduced hours or do compressed hours to make it work.

But the generations above me haven’t moved on and still expect the women to do it. Partly because in the past the women barely worked after having children. But also when they did work, they retired at 50 or 55 and so were available to do caring.

My “D”M cannot comprehend that I will have to work into my mid-60s and thinks my work will just have to accommodate her needs. She isn’t local! She doesn’t have this expectation of my “D”B who has much more flexible working than I do and is the one who, practically speaking, would be more able to help her. But she sees his job as more important.

OP I ran myself into the ground caring for one parent who died relatively young. I am absolutely determined not to do the same for the other parent. I came very close to losing my career and not having the opportunity to have a family of my own.

It’s very easy to get sucked in when situations develop gradually but I’ve done a lot of work on boundaries and saying no.

My DH is expected to do it all by his parents. He limits it to a visit every 2 weeks when he does all their admin and DIY gardening etc. He will try to do most appointments but can only do about 25% due to work and timings. PIL rant and rage he is a terrible son and shame him. It's all 'poor us' to their neighbours. The reality is they are complete narcissists who have destroyed their son and continue to have a hugely negative effect on me and their grandchildren. I used to visit once a week with kids but over summer I realised they arnt my parents and they have effectively ruined my marriage so I won't anymore. You reap what you sow. And yet the expectation is still on me as DIL to facilitate.

Being something is 'expected' by a sexist and mysoginist society does not mean that you need to go along with it.

I have been no contact with my toxic mother for quite some time and no intention whatsoever to see her again and even less to get involved in any kind of care.

''@studiopolish324r · Today 10:57
Women are more caring so it's no surprise that they do most of this. So, in that way, it's "expected", nothing to do with sexism but more to do with biology. But is that so bad? Doesn't it mean that women are wonderful, vital and valuable? There are caring men out there too!''

No. It has all to do with sexism.

Many women are forced into caring for the elderly even if they have no interest in doing so due to cultural expectations and because the men in the family get away with doing nothing.

Just like many women have kids or get married because they are pushed into it by societal expectations from an early age but have no natural or so called biological predisposition to be 'caring'.

You don't need to be 'caring' to be 'valuable' either.

As long as we peddle that nonsense about biology, women will end up having to deal with all the childcare and elderly care and governments won't have to properly fund much needed social care for the elderly.

In reality caring for elderly people will affect your own health, career and ability to save for a decent retirement not to mention your own family and relationship. No one should be automatically expected to take on that role especially if the elderly person has multiple physical and cognitive issues and require constant support. It really takes a professional team to support people in these situations.

I also think that both jobs and medical appointments were very different in the past. Hospitals were more local (where I am they seem to have centralised some specialities onto one site which is miles away), GPs knew their patients and did home visits far more often. District nurse type roles also more available and did home visits. And there was less intervention available for many conditions. So there weren’t the sheer number of medical appointments involved and they were more local and therefore easier to get to.

And many workplaces are more pressured now. When my parents were working, which is 25-30 years ago now, they seem to have just gone to funerals for people who weren’t even relatives or had compassionate leave very easily. Whereas work has really tightened up on this, funerals require annual leave unless for a very limited set of close relatives and you wouldn’t get compassionate leave for taking someone to a hospital appointment now - it would be unpaid carers’ leave or having to use annual leave. If you’re already using annual leave to cover childcare and only get four weeks plus bank holidays then its
very very limited.

It's good to see on here that there are many men who do their share of caring/helping elderly parents because I genuinely can only think of a very few out of all the men I know who help their parents out regularly, yet I know so many women who do.

Yes most of them don't work as many hours as their husbands/partners/brothers etc and that obviously needs factoring into it all but iny world and it appears many on the support groups I frequent, it is mainly women doing the lions share.

My Dad cared for his parents. As I said my DH cares for his.

Hopefully both my son and daughter will see that supporting your elderly relative isn’t only a female responsibility.

I think everyone says they won't rely on their children but as they get weaker and maybe have dementia that's exactly what they do.

Care of the elderly - including all lifting and carrying and running and racing - is a feminist issue.

In its most extreme form, it often falls to the single, childless woman in a family to give up everything and care for the elderly.

I've been saying this for years.

The only men I know who have got involved in caring for the elderly are where there was no daughter/sister in the family to do it, and they didn’t have female partners themselves!

They also tended not to get involved in the getting to medical appointments and care during the working week, although did do hands on things like shopping, gardening and managing finances.

I think it depends upon how close you were to your parents and how they treated you. If one is treated as the golden princess and the other the black sheep then parents reap what they sow. The golden princess can find herself becoming the golden carer while the black sheep stays in the role that was assigned to her without a pang of guilt.

Agreed.

That's one of the last taboos. Women should absolutely be able to say that they cannot provide elderly care without facing pressure and judgement.

My DH spent months caring for his elderly mum before she died, and he now does a lot to help care for my elderly dad.

I think a lot depends on individual family dynamics but I also think that the relatively higher proportion of women working PT or being SAHPs inevitably increases the expectations that they will step up. I work more hours than my DH and am the higher earner, so perhaps that meant that he stepped up more readily to help with my dad than he would have done if I had fewer demands on my time?

The op gave up paid work and substituted it for unpaid work. I just think she has the time and the others see this. Men don’t make the time and not all parents are demanding either. Dc who don’t live near don’t call in every day either! How can they? Caring usually falls to the nearest with the time and unless they say no, they fall into it. Dc living miles away are never hands on and many men just won’t or work long hours. Women just volunteer and get sucked in. If they need to work, they organise care. Not working is when it becomes a new unpaid job.

We’ve had social services in today, for a care need assessment for mum.

I did ask, out of curiosity and from their experience do they come across more male or female carers within families and as I expected it is mainly women in unpaid carer positions. She also said, in our area at least, they are seeing a lot of elderly people living with one of their children.

I love my parents dearly but could not imagine living with them.

I (female) have a brother and a sister. Im the oldest DDsis is 10 years younger. DB and DS live closer to our DF but I have more time on my hands as my DC are full independent adults now whereas DB and Sis have primary aged children. Hand on heart the that time comes where DF requires more help I think we'll all pull our weight fairly but will appreciate that practicality will come into play eg; when isnt at work that day, Who can get there quickest etc. We do all get along mind you.

My brother was brilliant with my dad when he was widowed aged 87. I don't live nearby so wasn't around to help out on a regular basis (but took lots of trips back home) so anyway my brother did do it.

My brother does more than me because travel is very difficult for me due to caring responsibilities for DC.

Very much the case with all voluntary/community groups in my experience. In our local group the women turned up for the litter pick and gardening, the men turned up for the communal meal afterwards. All races and faiths!

@EndlessSeaViews When someone has an illness they will assess, my DM didn’t. She was just old and had to pay herself and we guessed what she needed. They had few hours available so she got twice a week. It was not uncommon when SS knew you had a relative around. Illegal but they get away with it.

I think your sibling's suggestion is sensible and definitely worth considering when the time comes. I've seen too many elderly people wanting to stay in their own home at all costs despite the huge burden it places on their DC.

I know your husband is still working full-time, but that doesn’t stop the two of you from figuring out a way for him to help. Many jobs would facilitate a person taking time to pick up their elderly parent from the hospital

There are definitely societal expectations of female caregiving, but that doesn’t mean your family can’t choose to do better.

Nope. I don't live near my mother, my brother lives next door to her. However I think his wife takes on the work.

My uncle lived with DGPs and effectively cared for them for many years.

DH has done a lot for my DPs particularly since he retired in January. His own DPs passed away a number of years ago. DH did it to support me - I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown as they lived an hour away and both had different forms of dementia. I don’t know how I could have done it alone as an only DC. Thankfully they are both now in a care home near us.

But I do agree OP, men are judged much less harshly than women if they choose not to do so much.