I have become so bitter

[earlypondering]

My dad died of dementia after a lifetime of drinking way too much - was a hard last few years. Now I care for my elderly mum is disabled - severe COPD from all the Marlborough reds & osteoporosis

Yesterday my father in law announced he has lung cancer - in the 25 years I have known him he has eaten & drunk to excess, vaped & never exercised (mother in law same)

I have just been totally unmoved by his diagnosis- you can’t be surprised with lifestyle choices like that - my brain just jumped to “great, now my husband will have to run around after them whilst I have my. Mum” - I’m quite shocked at how cross I feel

I think I’m actually burnt out from it all and this level of a apathy is some kind of way of coping, underneath I’m so mad we have to manage all this whilst trying to raise our own children, work full time & keep ourselves healthy to stop the cycle - exhausting

You know you don’t have to run after them. Refer to adult social services.

Having said that, I have huge empathy with you because that is far easier said than done. But keep intervention to a minimum.

YADNBU for feeling angry and indifferent. Being in this squeezed situation of constantly caring is so bloody stressful and exhausting it feels like it can take years off the people having to do it.

You shouldn’t have to bear the consequences of other people’s terrible choices. It’s not your responsibility to derail your own life and run around wrecking your own health, happiness and peace of mind to look after people who’ve merrily fucked themselves up over an entire lifetime with no care for how it might affect those closest to them. You reap as you sow.

I know this sounds really harsh and horrible, but it’s borne of experience. It’s very different offering a high level of care and support to someone who’s ill through no fault of their own, and doing the same for someone who’s inevitably ended up where they are through their own actions.

Obviously it’s difficult if it’s your mum, but as @AtlasPine said, you don’t have to take it all on yourself. Maybe think about what would be a manageable level of help for you to offer, and look at other options to support her. Same for your FIL. Do you have other family members who can help out?

There's a lot of us out there who feel exactly as you do, OP. I agree with PP who says only do what is manageable for you to do, and get in touch with outside agencies. It's made worse, too, if they were shit parents, as mine were.

Your anger and frustration is entirely understandable. I would find it very hard to bite my tongue, ageing can be challenging enough without self inflicted ailments. Agree with PPs that you should take a step back.

Echo what others are saying, I feel exactly the same. What ever I suggest such as light exercise classes in our village aimed at pensioners is met with negativity. They are bitter about nhs wait times, yet can afford private etc it is draining especially when you have your own life/ family too.

A few things have helped me, limiting my visits. This was difficult as we live in the next road but weekend tea / coffee visits have worked well.
Also, divide and conquer. My sister supports with financial things and I book medical appointments. Parents have found a taxi service they really like so that's taken the worry out of driving, and my husband/ BIL will take turns driving their car to work to prevent my dad feeling the need to give it a run out.

Im frustrated because I look at how different life used to be and I'm struggling with this reverse of roles.

It's really hard OP. I think a lot of people are in or have been in exactly your situation. It feels like a trap for you because the only end to it all is a sad one and you don't know how long the running around/feeling of responsibility and sadness will last.

It really makes you think about the health choices you make - which I suppose is an upside.

Perfectly normal reaction. Do yourself a favour and stop thinking it all falls to you to take care of. Your FIL is absolutely not your problem, or your DH’s for that matter.

When I was in the situation with my FIL and DM my aunt gave me a really good tip. 'You can only lead your own life'.

It really helped me stop resenting their damaging choices and to set boundaries, but only a bit.

As someone who has come out the other side of this I would say that it was one of the most miserable periods of my life. It's taken me over a decade to forget those years and remember the people FIL and DM were before they destroyed their health and handed themselves over as someone else's complete responsibility.

I am determined never to become that person.

Normal reaction. My mother in law got lung cancer at 60. I was very annoyed as she was a chain smoker and was warned mutiple times.
In the end I did care for her (she sadly had weeks left when diagnosed) but I won’t ever do it again for anyone else. Take a step back and let social services get involved.

Our parents watch us make mistakes in our teens then the tables turn as we realise the mistakes they are making. I had a serious talk with my mum about her drinking a few years ago and she told me she'd sooner shorten her lifespan than cut down on wine. Very frustrating when all we can do it watch them deteriorate.

I did it for my mum and she did it for her parents and they did it for theirs. My mum smoked and drank but you know what it never crossed my mind that she was to blame for her dementia. I just felt sad, not angry at her. I think you need to step away if you are Mrs angry and pay for care.

OP, I think I need to join you on the bitter side.

It's that generation who were teens in the 1960s...I have alcoholics and a former heavy smoker amongst my elderly parents.

The former smoker used to smoke like a chimney when I was a DC, just in the kitchen and in the car, so really hope it hasn't affected me...my lung capacity does seem quite low though and I can quite easily get out of breath.

It is not uncommon, every second or third person my age seems to have an elderly alcoholic in their family.

As far as I can see, as a generation, they are altruistic, have little sense of 'family', seem to have had everything way too easy and don't really contribute anything much to society.

God op its difficult feel for you. Friends havent clue ah you wont have her forever comments). I told my mam wasnt calling today. Fuming. I said I call mid week. In a school so we off. Feel dragged down by her. Relentless isnt it I hate it. Just feel I needed a rest

Agree, it's if they've been shit parents too, it only adds to the resentment.

Mine weren't totally awful. My main parent just didn't really parent. I was fed and clothed etc but beyond that we were left to our own devices. Except for the strict discipline via ritual humiliation surrounding manners, etc. There was little concern over schooling and no nurturing of hobbies and interests. The other parent was better but gave up on us in the teenage years.

@DragonsFurry
"As far as I can see, as a generation, they are altruistic, have little sense of 'family', seem to have had everything way too easy and don't really contribute anything much to society."

Wow, talk about generalising!

I'm a lot younger but I know that the boomer generation did not have it particularly easy, they lived through the cold war, nuclear fears, 4-day week, corporal punishment, electricity cuts, union strikes/govt attacks.

Women couldn't have their own bank account or get a mortgage and there was still an expectation they had to defer to men for all financial decisions. In short they had little power.

In many ways the 60s-80s were much tougher times. And the sense of family began to erode when people had to move far away for work because there was such high unemployment.

@DragonsFurrydo you understand what the term altruistic means?

Sorry you are going through all this, it sounds really difficult and I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. Sending sympathy 💐

I will say, though, that my own DM has lung cancer despite being otherwise very fit for her age (83), cycles everywhere, eats mostly vegetarian/organic, rarely drinks and smoked only minimally in the 1960s-70s.

It gets us all in the end

I was thinking the same thing!

I have retired now and been afflicted younger than hoped with a whole raft of physical buggerations that I had hoped might be 20 or more years in the future. Getting through each day is a challenge that is full of pain, immobility and breathlesseness. And I am doing all this alone as my OH acquired a neurodegenerative illness early and I cared for him until shortly before his death when he needed nursing home input. That was hugely stressful both physically and emotionally.
I have never smoked nor drunk alcohol for decades ... eat a good diet and am slim ... all this crap is not down to me but down to fate.
Absolutely my priority is that my AC should not be burdened by this, but inevitably they worry about me ... hiw could they not? There is lots to worry about.
I have done everything I can to lift any burden from them: stairlift, lifeline pendants, grabbers in every room, rollator ... and downplaying how grim I feel when I talk with them so they can get on and enjoy themselves. And I also do all I can to stay engaged with the community and do useful and enjoyable things within my limitations so that the AC do not feel I am reliant on them for my sense of worth.

BUT ... in spite of all my efforts I know that my wellbeing plays on their minds; and keeping up the pretence is bloody hard work and just one more challenge for me. They went through hell with me as my OH deteriorated and I do not want them going through this again.

What is the answer? I simply do not know. I cannot pretend there are not days when it feels as though not being here might be the best thing ... I would be out of pain and the burden of my limitations and they would be spared the worry and be able to benefit financially from the sale of my home. But I know this would leave them feeling guilty and I would never do that to them ... so don't go reporting this post to get me info about Samaritans!!
So it is a dilemma for everyone on both sides of the equation; and it is a dilemma we will probably all come to ... and maybe, like me, much sooner than expected.
I am sorry that so many of you are dealing with all this and hope you can find ways of easing the stress.

Would it cross your mind to prevent this cycle by looking after your own health so no one has to do this for you?

I am so sorry this is hard.

My mum and mother-in-law both lived
healthy lives and died of dementia.

Just set your boundaries of how involved or uninvoled you will be.

How do you envisage your own decline? Just drop down dead without any health issues?

I think blaming people for health issues and decline is unfair. You can maybe hold it off a bit by having a healthy life, but it's going to hit you at some point. It's inevitable.

Easier said than done .
Most couples are going to support each other in these 'caring' situations so it becomes a joint problem whether you like it or not.
I couldn't stand by and watch my husband deal with his mother and her needs alone , equally he is totally supportive of me now my mother needs help , he helps her directly too.
I do agree that the whole prospect of caring for elderly is an absolute seemingly endless chore that takes away your own freedom and pushes your own needs and responsibilities to the bottom of the list.
And that applies regardless of if you had good parents or not, i don't actually believe anyone who says they do the job out of the goodness of their own heart.

You have a very strange take on this - there is old age & there is prevention.

I am talking about people who have smoked/drink heavily for decades, zero exercise. There are huge additional consequences to living like this

Why would you not want to be as fit & healthy as possible to deal with things that will come in old age

My wife and I are both 79 so reaching the age where we might need help. My wife in disabled and so gets carers twice a day to help her get washed and dressed and later to go to bed. I do everything else she needs.
I've said to my children that they should not get involved in our care but leave it to the Local Authority to sort it all. I fear that if any of my children started to help the Local Authority would leave them to get on with it.
I think my children have their jobs and partners to consider well before us.
I don't think any child should feel guilty if they can't or won't help their parents.