I have become so bitter

[earlypondering]

My dad died of dementia after a lifetime of drinking way too much - was a hard last few years. Now I care for my elderly mum is disabled - severe COPD from all the Marlborough reds & osteoporosis

Yesterday my father in law announced he has lung cancer - in the 25 years I have known him he has eaten & drunk to excess, vaped & never exercised (mother in law same)

I have just been totally unmoved by his diagnosis- you can’t be surprised with lifestyle choices like that - my brain just jumped to “great, now my husband will have to run around after them whilst I have my. Mum” - I’m quite shocked at how cross I feel

I think I’m actually burnt out from it all and this level of a apathy is some kind of way of coping, underneath I’m so mad we have to manage all this whilst trying to raise our own children, work full time & keep ourselves healthy to stop the cycle - exhausting

I agree. It’s not ‘a few drinks’.

The OP, and many others, are talking about people who abuse their body for decades in multiple ways, whilst knowing the risks, during easy times and hard times. Then immediately transfer responsibility for their ill health, to their adult children the minute the crows come home to roost. It’s indescribably selfish. The OP has had a belly full of it already, and is rightly so, disheartened to hear yet another shit show of caring coming her way.

I totally understand this, and have identical thoughts, same age stage, and have had a very similar experience. It’s impossible to explain to others who don’t have to go through it. I hope you are ok. Well I know you are not because I know only too well how traumatic it is and how hopeless you can feel. It breaks the very best of us. You take care of yourself x

Or maybe it's a 'dereliction of moral duty' to live your life without any thought for the consequences of your actions and expect your 'loved ones' to put their lives on hold and break themselves mentally and physically to deal with those consequences. Just another angle.

I know of no elderly people who are struggling who expect their family to put their lives on hold for them - on the contrary they are desperate that they should not do so. They did not bring their children up and provide them with every life opportunity they could in order to see them burdened with our care.

But - here's the rub - what do you do when you have taken every step to be as independent as possible (help in the house, stair lift, lifeline etc.) but your AC can see that you are struggling however hard you try to cover it? When they say - "But Mum, we love you, we want to help"? And they do not want dishonesty - they see us all as a team/family who share responsibility for each others' needs and see that as entirely normal. I have been there for them, as they frequently point out, all through their lives - as children, as young adults when I was always on the end of a phone to prop them up, as parents when I was there to care for their children so they could work etc. .... They just see my current needs as a change in circumstances that is equivalent to what has gone before - only in the opposite direction.

But - it is not what I want and they do not know the half of it!!

But you can get carers in and that is what I will do. My children told me that when the time comes they will help me organise care but not do it. I have no respect for people who let their AC do caring duties.

Your approach is exemplary @mischance and of course there will be many like you. But this board is (inevitably) full of people looking for help in very different circumstances. Where relatives point blank refuse cleaners, falls alarms, handrails, to take taxis, see the GP, take the medication etc etc etc.

Is that from talking to the elderly parent or the potential carer child?

My “D”M presents a completely different picture to her friends than the emotionally blackmailing reality she puts me through.

I felt real resentment when I had to go sick to care for dad in his final weeks, I felt some feelings of relief when he died, and I feel awful writing it. He never asked to get cancer, he had a short prognosis with no treatment, no hope for him.

Indeed and I too will get carers in as and when needed.
But this will not stop my AC worrying about me or wanting to help me and find ways of including me in family fun. They will not just assume that paid care is the whole story

Clearly that sort of emotional blackmail is wrong but this is not what I see ... I see elderly friends trying desperately to cling on to their independence and be as little of a burden as they can

The thing is it is really a choice. No one has to do anything they feel is detrimental to their own health and wellbeing. It's hard to say no, but if it is the difference between quality of life for yourself, or even health and wellbeing, and running yourself into the ground, don't do it.

My own mother has always been an awful parent. I have no relationship with her really. She genuinely doesn't understand why I don't enjoy her company, want to see her and and spend time with her. She upsets and hurts me on an ongoing basis because she has absolutely no self awareness. I unfortunately live close to her , and the guilt of not doing more eats me up. If I am honest I can't stand her. I avoid seeing her for months and don't get in touch much. That makes me an awful daughter, but when I try and do things for her practically she inevitably tries to take me down a few pegs, and the whole cycle starts again.

I have huge sympathy for the OP and others who are going though such a bad time with dependent relatives who are making their lives so difficult; but I do think it is important not to assume that this is the norm. As a retired woman a lot of my friends are of a similar age and some have disabilities, as I do, although most are not widowed, as I am and managing alone.

For the sake of balance, all my retired friends share my views and approach to the business of aging as I do and care deeply that their AC should not be burdened.

That is not tro belittle what the OP and others are going through but just to represent the other side of the coin.

I worked as a SW with mostly people with brain injury, but also at times elderly people, and I would endorse the advice that many have given which is to contact Adult Services - they are imperfect and underfunded but can hopefully point you in the right direction. I do of course understand that the person needs to accept the needs in order for this to be a successful route and this can be the stumbling block.

It is also worth looking at voluntary agencies locally - they are often able to be more flexible.

Hate it too. Then the Will is threatened if I dont play ball. Drags you down minding elderly. My friend says her mam had her in tears lately

Forget the will. Don't allow it to be held over you. You have to say "I'm not interested in your message money". And mean it.

Limit the help you’re providing - you have children and a job. You don’t owe them being their full time nurse. They can apply for care, surely they have other children as well

If she has to go to a care home in the end there will be nothing to leave in the will, cate home fees are £8k+ a month. It’s not worth the blackmail

Using the will as a threat is deeply wrong.

You don’t have to.

you call up adult social services and you tell them you need a Care Act Assessment for needs and support (council have a legal obligation to identify those with care and support needs) and you let them get on with it.

You are not obliged to run around after your parents. No one is

Yes not nice. Oh I dont stand for threats either. She not going into a home says theres no staff. Lol. All you can do is drop the rope/cut your visits. Its hurtful. Anyway thats families eh

OP I hear your anger. How utterly frustrating to watch the inevitable slow motion car crash that could have been prevented.

Some of us are here on these boards without that layer of frustration, but it’s utterly shite either way.

There’s nothing you could have done to prevent your parents acting the way they did, and it’s not fair that you now have to pick up the pieces. Decide what you realistically can (and want to) do and make a plan for the next few years.

If you’re not already there then join the Cockroach Cafe thread - it’s been a life saver for many of us

My 80-year-old DH had a fall 10 weeks ago and became bed-bound. The Elderly Care Team arranged a bed downstairs (I now have no usable living room) and other stuff and it was free for the first 5 weeks. We now have carers calling 4 times a day for 30 minutes and it is costing us £160 A DAY! That is about £60k a year for just 4 x 30 minutes a day. Attendance Allowance for day and night care is a meagre £420 a month - that pays for just 3.5 days. Additional costs are incontinence pants, a commode, excessive washing/drying of clothes and bedding and the rest. And there are no visits between 9 p.m. and 9 a.m.

I am saying that "getting in carers" is no easy fix - assuming you can find any in the first place. Of course, he never needs the commode during their visits (half an hour) so it all falls on me (his wife, age 75 and recovering from cancer). Feeding, bed-making, hourly exercises - all down to me. As are ALL the household tasks including the garden.

I don't know what the answer is. Our DDs both have fulltime jobs and children to bring up, and one is 200 miles away.

TBF smoking and drinking could cause a massive heart attack or stroke and then they could die quickly without a slow decline over 20 years. Then they’d be no burden on you at all.

That sounds extortionate! I would approach your local social services and ask them to support you to find a new care agency. Even if you’re self funding you can still ask the local authority to arrange care on your behalf and 4hours care per day should not be costing anywhere near £160! My local authority pay about £16ph for carers, which would half your costs

@Meg8
Can you arrange to pay for the care privately, rather than through the local authority/social services? I think you might be paying for their administration too,
If this is a permanent situation then you should make sure that you and your husband’s money is properly split as you need to safeguard your share. They cannot take your house as you are still living there. How about respite care in a home for your husband?

Blinking heck OP.. I was bloody angry about my own parents deaths/level of care needed/feeling overwhelmed sometimes and they had relatively healthy lifestyles. I can't imagine adding the fact that they didn't try and help themselves in to the mix. I'm sorry that you and Mr Op are having to deal with this..

Sorry.. after re-reading it should say angry about them dying and how they died.. especially my wonderful mum with Alzheimer's.. not angry at them.. they were lovely parents..