I have become so bitter

[earlypondering]

My dad died of dementia after a lifetime of drinking way too much - was a hard last few years. Now I care for my elderly mum is disabled - severe COPD from all the Marlborough reds & osteoporosis

Yesterday my father in law announced he has lung cancer - in the 25 years I have known him he has eaten & drunk to excess, vaped & never exercised (mother in law same)

I have just been totally unmoved by his diagnosis- you can’t be surprised with lifestyle choices like that - my brain just jumped to “great, now my husband will have to run around after them whilst I have my. Mum” - I’m quite shocked at how cross I feel

I think I’m actually burnt out from it all and this level of a apathy is some kind of way of coping, underneath I’m so mad we have to manage all this whilst trying to raise our own children, work full time & keep ourselves healthy to stop the cycle - exhausting

I feel your pain. I nursed my late OH through Parkinsons - he was younger than your OH.
What you are paying per day for the 4 visits is mad - did you arrange this yourself via a private agency, or did the LA put you in touch with them?
As you rightly say you can bet your life the commode is needed the minute they step out of the door.

I finished up with full time live in care for him, but that was not without its problems - the list is endless .... But no more expensive than what you are paying for pop-ins. Although this was 6 years ago.

Unfortunately the whole care system is in disarray and those who are just saying "Get carers in" have no idea what a minefield it all is. I am still recovering 6 years later - it was a complete nightmare.

I am very glad that there are older people out there with that mindset and I have known some myself, particularly from the generation that survived world war 2 and had such a strong sense of duty and enjoyed retirement but also wanted to help others. Unfortunately not all are like that and I think that is what a lot of the conversations on this board are about. My mother was the complete opposite - expected me, but not my sibling, to be at her beck and call with no consideration for anything other than her own wants and needs. I was so relieved when she went at 76. Yes, everyone gets old and we will all deteriorate and die eventually but an awful lot of people have multiple avoidable health conditions from poor lifestyle - obesity, alcohol, smoking, drugs, lack of exercise. It is extremely frustrating to support a family member who does all the things that will make their existing poor health much worse, knowing who will have to pick up the pieces.

Exactly. One of my gran's died aged 71 with a sudden heart attack. Bless her, she smoked like a chimney and enjoyed a whisky and coke (or three). Just gone, like that.

My other gran was far more clean living - smoked when younger but stopped, didn't drink beyond a sherry at Christmas. Lived until she was 89, the last ten year she spent living with my aunt and developing worse and worse dementia. She went wandering one night when my aunt left the door unlocked and was found hiding behind a neighbour's shed in their garden, far from home, with a broken arm. Eventually they had to put her in a home - terrified, unable to recognise anyone, permanently agitated until she finally passed away.

There are no guarantees in life and we'd be foolish to think otherwise.

To answer the posters above (sorry, I don't know how to include your names), we were given a choice of two care firms picked out for us who had "space" for us, both private companies. Their websites indicate that the rate we are paying is a bit less than their standard rates. Since then I have researched others - either no "vacancies" or even higher charges, or no online inspection reports (which I know are no guarantee of anything really), or did not bother to reply. We live in an area with a high proportion of elderly folk and little industry to keep younger people here, so demand is sky high. Most of the carers employed live outside the area and it being a rural area they can be visiting folks 10-20 miles apart (and are paid for the travel cost and time) which the care companies need to cover.

We were also told that as my DH has instability issues we need two carers at a time, so that doubles our cost. At the moment I can just about manage the general caring stuff, and am improving at getting him in/out of bed and supervising his walkiing exercises safely so hoping to cut down the hours we need them. Also hoping that the physio chap continues to visit (not seen him in two weeks) to add new exercises for him to do.

All that said, we have a hospital appointment tomorrow to discover the findings of the recent brain/body scans he had two weeks ago, so the future is dependen on what we learn then.

Yes, our savings are more or less equally split already.

It's been a dreadful shock to us both, in terms of the cost and time taken to get through the day and night.

I can't imagine having a live-in carer would be any cheaper, but worth a thought.

To the posters re the theme of this thread which highlights the selfishness of some people in their old age, remember that many of our generation grew up not knowing the dangers of drinking, smoking and not exercising, and lots of us are sadly suffering as a result of our own abuse of our bodies - and I count me and DH among these even though we have always been moderately active and not overweight, but it wasn't done out of laziness rather out of ignorance.

Even so, we will do our damndest not to be an undue burden on our children but nor do we want to be bunged in a care home unless it is essential. We (well at least !) still have things I can contribute to society (as a retired accountant I do the accounts of several local charities), and that I enjoy, and I'm not yet willing to part with tons of dosh for someone to do the basics for my DH at such a cost.

And yes, we do have savings but at £1,500 - £2,000 a week in a care home around here, our savings won't last long at all.

I echo all that Mischance says. I don't know what the answer is.

I used to laugh that the local education authority were always shocked at the number of 4-5 year olds wanting places at primary school each year when birth statistics are so easy to obtain, and now the same applies to the number of elderly but infirm folks living longer due to improvements in healthcare.

You couldn't make it up!!!

Love to you all, and thanks for listening.

No matter how healthy our lifestyle is, we all die of something in the end, and sadly it’s often drawn out and unpleasant. That’s not to say we shouldn’t try to limit our risk factors where we can, but illness and/or old age is coming to us all sooner or later!

Not sure it works like that. Poor choices make ill health more likely, but you can live an exemplary life and still get cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's.

We all like to think we will be different, but the reality is, if you don't drop down dead, you end up frail and dependent eventually. All we can do is look after our own health to stay independent as long as possible.