State of FIL house

[Hohofortherobbers]

My FIL has a mild dementia diagnosis and COPD, lives with SIL who never left home and I believe is ND, but never diagnosed. MIL died long time ago. He's not coping with looking after the house, SIL has never been one for housework. The house is now becoming a health hazard. I got them to agree to cleaners , found them, booked them, they came but FIL made it very difficult for them by insisting they dont dust as he didn't want them touching his things, he's a collector. There's items of his collection everywhere, lots of shelves holding hundreds of them, all gathering dust. He then decided the cleaners hadn't done a good enough job and said they couldn't come back. I try to give a room a freshen up when I'm there but he tells me off, that he can do it and stop touching things. But in the same breath he moans that it's dirty. Now they have mice, my DH is doing the same as me, trying to help but not getting anywhere. He's closer to giving up and letting them rot in their own filth than I am though. Any words of wisdom? We've had paramedics in twice and they must think we're cruel leaving them to live this way. He doesnt leave the house so no chance of a sneak in and clean. I think the house will end up killing them, its getting so cluttered, as each of them have a hoarding tendency and the dust must exacerbate his COPD.

Thank you, all very good and supportive advice, I really appreciate it.
FIL has on 3 occasions over the last year been violent to SIL, we reported to the police and safeguarding referrals were made, but police very much left it up to SIL how she wanted to proceed and SIL won't follow through with charges and won't leave the house.
If I do step well back, he could hurt her again, I feel very helpless with everything happening there. DH has just left with traps and a bait box for the mice. He'll be even more broken when he returns. Its a terrible cloud hanging over him.

Hoarding is an actual recognised condition, maybe connected to his alzheimers. As for the sister sounds like she needs to get herself sorted, especially with a recognised condition.
It sounds like you have been trying to do things like the lounge, which I agree sounds bad but obviously is not going to work as the collections are important to him.
If I were you, concentrate for now on the kitchen and bathroom. You could put mouse traps down behind freezer cooker, etc. try to clean as much as you can. try to find out where the food has been stored to help stop the mice.
as for the dog can you bath him you can get dry shampoo then make sure he is wormed and got flea treatment
does your father in law have any support such as a specialist or social worker?

Agree i should save my effforts for kitchen bathroom. Honestly the dog is fine, it goes to the hairdressers more often than me and is well cared for.
Traps are now down. My dh has asked SIL to move the stored food and hoover (to help mice problem) hoping she may comply for sake of mice rather than see it as insult to her standards.
No social worker involved, not sure this would meet their threshold.

GP is aware of our concerns btw

Can you bring in the council pest control to deal with the mice?

We've put traps and baiting box down now, will need specialists if these measures dont work.

Our council don't provide pest control services, it would be a private contractor

I would drop the rope and stop considering it my responsibility to solve. He’s only your FIL - it’s up to his own children to intervene if anyone should.

This is on SIL. Lay out three no cost to her options for practical support to the SIL. Tell her this is it, she needs to pick one. Let FIL know this too. If she/they refuse, yes let them live in their own filth - they obviously don't care enough to do anything.

What a difficult situation.

regarding your FIL, it he’s choosing to live like this, then does it really matter if it contributes to his death by exacerbating his COPD or he has a fall etc? He has to die of something, eventually, and he is at least living as he chooses. More likely it will provoke a crisis eventually which will lead to change.

I’m more concerned about your SIL. Does she have any contact with the outside world ? Does she work? Does she have a social worker? What kind of relationship does your DH have with her?

The ideal situation would be for SIL to get out of that house. Surely the possibility of violence against her is something to work on somehow? How awful and she may be very vulnerable and not in a position to stand up for herself. I think that aspect needs to be addressed first.

Then see what happens. Although these situations are often impossible to rectify or improve to any great degree unless FIL is taken into full time care, and SIL manages to get carers/cleaners in, and be living separately to her father.

You sound very caring and thoughtful, but in the end you can only do so much.

I wish she would leave, she'll have to be independent eventually when FIL dies, she works FT in an admin job, she has never left home, never had a partner, never had to pay any bills or rent so she must be pretty well off, she doesnt spend any money socialising....I think im her only friend 😟.
She refused to pursue any charges, and refused her safeguarding referral. I don't how else to help her, I keep in touch and try to keep her talking and support her, another eason I don't want to nag about the housework.

Caught 2 mice in the traps last night, so there's a result. But it's another task for me and dh to sort out daily, FIL not really fit enough to dispose and reset, SIL unwilling, it never stops

Some people just dodge being an adult dont they, sit back and all is taken care of by others. Sorry, I know she is ND, albeit undiagnosed, but why should that be our problem???

It shouldn’t be and it doesn’t have to be but you are choosing to intervene.

Mice traps don’t solve the root of the problem btw. You need to pay a private company to work out where they are getting in and to put poison down to kill them all. It’s the only way to get rid of mice and we have tried humane traps and releasing mice but the problem doesn’t go away until you use poison. Which is horrible I know.

Apologies if you know this already, but you have to release the mice very far away (a few miles IIRC) or they just come back.

Stop being so feeble OP. Why on earth don’t you and your DH go in and clean and if FIL kicks off, tell him to stop being bloody stupid. Sometimes you have to tell people what’s what.

It’s only your problem because you are choosing to get involved. you could walk away - people often do. So if you choose to be involved try to acknowledge it’s a conscious choice that you are making here. Own your actions.

Try not to get too angry with your SIL - if her mum died young, her father is a complete arse, and she’s neurodiverse, that’s a lot for anyone to overcome and live a ‘normal’ life. what is your DHs relationship with her? Can he talk to her?

Does your SIL have an issue with the state of the house? If neither she nor your FIl care, why are you so concerned about it - especially as you’ve done what you can to change things and make it better for them, but they clearly don’t want your help 🤷‍♀️