Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

That’s lovely news to know there’s an imminent mini-Gnome arrival.

No change here. Despite mum not drinking anything since Thursday, her kidneys are still working and she’s producing urine. The only visible change is that her breathing is slightly laboured. I’m back at the house and decompressing before going to bed -once I’m asleep I’m getting 6-7 hours which is pretty good going.

For fellow P&P fans, Lizzie has just refused Mr Collins.

@funnelfan I'm glad you are getting a break to sleep.

Thank you for the P&P update. I have never read it but loved the BBC production.

Yes, a new addition to the DePlume clan is eagerly awaited. DM's response is sad because it is further evidence that she is gone. She loved babies.

Lovely news @GnomeDePlume and if you need a diversion and have time and inclination The Other Bennet Sister on iplayer is lovely. DM adored it.

@funnelfan my favourite bit. Mr Bennet’s response is so funny.

Just checking in. Mum not opening her eyes now but is still sometimes “aware”. Lead carer reckons she’s not in “active dying” yet, still has urine output, and normal skin colour and breathing. Could be here a while unless she has another stroke now she’s off her meds.

I’m selfishly glad she’s hung on today as it’s my birthday and I’d rather not have the anniversary on this day. Another resident also had their birthday today so at least I had a piece of birthday cake! I declined an offer of a chorus of happy birthday and the bumps from the staff.

As I was leaving this evening one of the staff was going off duty and went to go and sit with mum for a bit on her own time. Aren’t people lovely?

@funnelfan , that is lovely and I hope it can give you some comfort.

Any one watching Ann Droid, only watched a couple but v funny. Would be a great solution for company for the elderly to take some pressure off us daughters until things got bad!

@funnelfan I think it’s good you get to "keep“ your birthday.

I am hoping there’s something like this for us when we get to that point. AI is infinitely patient with me and my hopeless it skills…I can see positive benefits in not having your loved one endure the heavy lifting of caring for a parent.

Ooh yes, AI tech support.
No more press the fucking bottom right corner button... No not that one.

@GnomeDePlume and @funnelfan hope all is as well as it can be.

My mum went to the falls clinic, has been taken off some blood pressure medication and is being sent to physio, to build up her strength and confiendce.
The doctor was lovely and was a bit confused why she was seeing him... She was doing laps around his office and aced all his assessments. I think he was expecting her to wobble in and fall at his feet😆

Also loving Ann Droid, wish I could get one for my DF,92. I see him most days but I know he gets lonely.

Thanks @MittensTheKittens , no change here.

Also no real change. On all fronts. DM's soul doesnt want to leave this world, DD's baby is steadfastly refusing to join it.

Mum is sulking and not speaking to me as punishment. Which would have bothered me when I was younger, but just at the moment is a relief.

It's a massively long story but basically one of the (not) carers quit last month so I had to find someone else so that she has at least two people to drive her around and remind her to take her meds. Because Mum has always been quite passive aggressive and has never been able to be direct but will just hint and sulk if she doesn't like something, she hasn't been telling this new person what she wants to do and where she wants to go but has instead been complaining to me. So we had a massive argument where I told her to use her big girl words with the carer because she is being paid to do what Mum wants but can't if Mum won't tell her. (I may have been a bit shouty because I've had a lifetime of her doing this with me, hinting and then sulking because I didn't notice the hint.) I told her she can sack this lady if she wants to, but I will not be finding a replacement nor will I be covering holiday or illness for the woman that she likes.

Anyway, she grudgingly agreed to give it another week and try to be more decisive. Then forgot that she'd agreed and wanted me to get rid of her. (I said "do you want me to sack her?" She said "Oh no, don't sack her, I just don't want her to come anymore".) Then behaved like an absolute toddler at family lunch on Sunday and pointedly ignored me while I was driving her home.

So anyway, on my third day of peace with no repeat phone calls asking the same question. It's amazing that she can forget a conversation within 10 minutes but can hold the memory of a grudge indefinitely.

Medic rang from the care home. Mum's potassium is very low. They are redoing bloods but if it's still low the option would be to admit her to hospital. I said she's not for hospital and he said "even if it's terminal?". I feel awful but if they get her in (which would be awful for her) and get her potassium up, what are they saving her for? Her QOL is so poor. Some of her recent decline might be explained by low potassium though. Aargh. Poor mum. Any thoughts?

Sending sympathy to all, especially @GnomeDePlume and @funnelfan .

I would quite like that sort of peace at the moment @BlackAmericanoNoSugar , I am really struggling with the problem of how do I keep my patience with an elderly mother who suffers with extreme anxiety (lifelong and has always made my life difficult) and now a hefty does of forgetfulness (recent) and texts and calls me constantly in a state of near hysteria about minor matters, often for the umpteenth time because she's forgotten that we had the same conversation recently. Until about a year ago we only spoke once every 10 days or so but since Dad had a fall and ended up in a home and so he isn't soaking all this up at home any more it's mostly on me. I have had to pick up all their admin and it is draining and this is before we get to the stage where she needs personal care which I am dreading. I know she goes in and dumps it all on Dad too, I often turn up at the home to find him really upset because she is catastrophising over everything. But she doesn't accept that she's got anxiety because she's always been like this and knows no different.

I said she's not for hospital and he said "even if it's terminal?".

@Isitsticky my response would have been “especially if it’s terminal” if the treatment in hospital would not improve her QoL. It’s prolonging dying not living. I found it helpful to ask people like that “would you want it for your mum”. And if so, why.

It depends on the care home of course, but I am content that my mum is going to die in her own bed cared for by people that know her. When she gets round to it anyway. Still no change today, although her pads are now (finally) dry.

@Isitsticky it is a difficult one.

If your DM doesnt get this treated what is the risk?

My DM has significant defficiency for potassium and magnesium. This is no longer being treated and hasnt been for some months.

My DM is going to die of something soon. The problem is that DB keeps saying 'not this, not that' so things get treated. My worry is that this is leaving DM vulnerable to dying of something horrific (eg an uncontrollable bleed) which will be traumatic for everyone.

Mum is 89, advanced alzheimers, doubly incontinent. No quality of life.

Snap. Anxiety, but there’s nothing wrong with her, it’s the world that’s all wrong.

@Isitsticky I totally agree with you about 'no hospital'. We have said this for DM and reiterated it many times. Hospital is bad enough when you know what is going on. Beyond awful if you cannot advocate for yourself.

I have noticed a Polyanna attitude amongst HCPs when they talk about hospital. They dont seem to recognise the reality of hospital transport, hours waiting to be seen, the noise, the lights, the lack of personnal care.

I strongly suspect many HCPs recommend hospital as it’s then Not My Problem.

Mum is now not opening her eyes at all and I’m not sure whether she’s asleep or unconscious. Her breathing got a bit laboured this evening but improved slightly when I raised the head of her bed. No other visible changes so I’ve risked coming back to the house for some sleep.

Oh and it’s six days since she last had a drink and she’s still producing tiny bits of wee. She might weigh less than six stone now but she’s a tough old thing.

Thanks for rhe support. I do know it's best for mum. But find it hard when it's challenged (even if they're just doing their job and clarifying). Yes, it's amazing that some HCPs who work with these residents are keen for them to go to hospital. I agree sometimes it's to move the problem on but sometimes it seems to be lack of awareness of what hospital would actually be like. Or maybe to be able to do the job they have to refuse to accept the awfulness of the reality.

It’s hard @Isitsticky because you are in a vulnerable place yourself at this time and it can make even the strongest of us second guess ourselves. I think it underlines the importance of trying to ascertain our loved one’s wishes well in advance when they’re able to express them. That way we’re able to have that confidence that, whatever the choice is, we’re doing what they would want. My mum never did but I’m going by opinions she expressed when she herself was in my position looking after elderly relatives. That’s 30 years ago now.

I’m about to leave for today’s vigil. It’s probably a bit odd to say (but this is where we say odd stuff isn’t it) but in some ways I’ve enjoyed the past few days sitting with mum. DH is dealing with home stuff, my boss is saying take as much time as you need, so all I need to do is sit. I’ve brought my latest crochet project with me and I’m switching up the tv between Classic FM and films/musicals she likes, in between the reading. I’m being fed and looked after by the staff at the home, and in the afternoons I take a 10 minute walk to the local Costa for a break in the real world. It’s almost like a little holiday, if it wasn’t for the reason I’m with mum. We’ve always been quite happy in each others company, whether chatting or in companiable silence.

I totally get that, funnelfan

@funnelfan 100% , it's because (for once) you know there's nowhere else you should be and nothing else you should be doing.