Care homes make me think people never die

[rockrollerpud]

Recently I was given the news that someone I know died suddenly. Classic late seventies, living life totally normally, seemingly slim, fit and healthy, then gone within 24 hours from heart attack. This was surreal to me. And here is why.

I visit a relative in a care home weekly. And for want of better words, I’ve been visiting so long that I honestly feel like some people can’t die. Or at least, their bodies are just designed to trundle on like a diesel engine car with 200,000 miles on the clock.

Most of them are 80-100 years old. Many sit there all day asleep with their mouths open. Many are overweight, have multiple health conditions, yet they just don’t ever change from that. They go on for years/decades.

I have to say, there are far more women than men in the care home.

Quite regularly, I’ll read on here, that someone struggled at home but then went in a care home and only lasted 1-2 years. Yet I see the majority seem to live forever in the care homes.

Before I knew what I know now about elderly disease and decline, I’d always assumed that by the time I got to a care home, I’d be so spent, I’d only last a few years too. But now it’s freaking me out that I, like many others, could spend 15% of my life in one.

Anyone else a long term visitor to a care home and be shocked at this?

there’s a care home down the road that often put updates on our village fb page. I feel dreadfully sorry for the old souls as the majority of them have the ‘Kill me now’ look as they do their cooking session (all taking turns to mix the rice crispies into chocolate) or preschool Easter bonnet kits for arts and crafts.

I hope my decline is quick as I value quality over quantity. Sometimes I feel the vulnerable elderly are just pumped with medication just to keep them going instead of letting nature do its thing.

It freaks me out too, OP. I have seen the same as you. It’s galvanised me into focusing on health span rather than lifespan. What’s the point in living to 90 if the last 5 years are incapacitated in a care home.

I deal with a LOT of elderly people, and generally it’s fair to say that only a tiny percentage of them have paid or currently pay any attention whatsoever to their physical fitness and strength by taking exercise. and by that I meant getting their heart rate up intentionally and doing some form of resistance training.

Culturally in this country, for people now in their 80s, fitness was just seen as a hobby that some people liked and some people didn’t, like knitting or collecting stamps. Kind of optional.

Muscle strength is hugely connected to frailty and falls. The small number of much older adults I know who are having a good time and living independently, ALL prioritise going to the gym or doing resistance training in some other way. ALL of them make an effort to eat healthily.

As you’ve seen, it’s now quite possible to keep people alive for years and years. I don’t think a lot of the long term care home residents realised this would be the outcome.

Unfortunately I cannot get this through to DM and DF to the point where they will look after their health in terms of eating healthily and exercising. They just won’t do it. 😞

I’m with you @Bumblingbee92, I’d take a shorter like over a longer one with no quality any day.

Have said that I have nonagenarians in the family who do have a reasonable quality of life.

@Bumblingbee92this is so true. My dad died suddenly and even though it was a shock - what a gift he had. No pain. No trauma. He had the best life and the best end.

I have two relatives in two separate care homes. One home called last week to push to give antibiotics for an infection to our relative who is late 80s and in a pitiful state with Alzheimer’s. Even though it’s stated on their notes do not treat. They forced the issue, gave them antibiotics, and relative bounced back. For more years of zero quality of life and distress. Just why.

@OrdinaryGirlyes! I totally agree with this. It’s like a blind spot for the vast majority. I do resistance training every day and also cardio to get my heart up every day. I have so many friends in their 50s who scoff and laugh at me and say they think lifting weights is boring.

I only need to do a 30-40 minute workout at home and I’m done. It’s nothing to me to keep my strength and mobility. If I feel like I can’t be bothered, I just think of 90 year old John in the care home and how he’d love to be able to move his legs like I currently am, and it inspires me to keep exercise up.

I don’t want to live a very long life now I’ve seen what I’ve seen - I just want to live a life with dignity and mobility.

My dad died of a heart attack at 55. It was really shocking to me as I didn't realise how bad his heart was. And I was only 13. But it brings me some comfort to know he didn't suffer and didn't get dementia or have to be long term disabled or immobile.

Couldn't agree more. My lovely dad died fairly suddenly of a stroke, peacefully in hospital. Sad, but dignified.
My poor old mum had early onset dementia diagnosed at 66, went downhill fast, but spent the last 10 years in a care home, not knowing any of us. Awful.
I know which end most of us would prefer.

I too have the opinion that I don't want to live forever propped up by medication. Care home will want to treat every small illness, they exist to make money - a dead client doesn’t pay the bills.

if I'm with it and happy at 80 I’d accept treatment of illness but if I’m a husk in a chair please let me go.

What we want in theory is to live a healthy active life right to the end then to die suddenly.

Unfortunately we haven’t cracked the dying suddenly bit yet. In reality most people seem to cling on to life at whatever cost, or the systems aren’t in place to let nature take its course.

I've done my best with a tough advance decision (legally binding) if I lose capacity but have no idea how I’ll feel if I am still capable of making decisions for myself.

I think as medicine becomes more advanced people will live longer, but not necessarily have a better quality of life. My Mum died of bowel cancer and copd and spent the last few months in a nursing home like you describe. It has made me question the whole “health” movement when so many of these people seem to eat / drink / hardly move for their whole lives and just trundle along. I don’t know what to think about any of it anymore. I’m 45 with multiple disabilities and I worry that I’m going to be 120 and stuck in a chair 24/7 by the time I get that old.

I'm terrified of ending up in a care home for years not knowing where I am or who my children are. I don't want them to remember me like that either. My mum has said she'd hate it for herself too. I know the assisted dying bill was controversial but I do hope by the time it comes to that stage (I hope thirty years or so for me) it will be in place and we will be able to make our own decisions about whether we want to carry on or not.

It's modern medicine. Personally I think it sucks that we're unable to differentiate between extending a happy existence, and dragging out a miserable one. I hope to goodness I don't end up like that.

I remember one of those real-life ambulance programme where an elderly chap had a heart attack when out on a little walk and they insisted on bashing him about doing CPR on the pavement. It was brutal He was 88!! It seems to me dropping down dead in the fresh air and sunshine, when you still know who you are and have a little independence is about the best way to go! It was cruelty to try and resuscitate.

I can't even watch a news item about care homes without shuddering. They horrify me. I certainly don't want to end my days in one.

My MIL was like that, I genuinely thought she would out-live us all. Finally popped off at 86 after nearly 5 years in a care home, had lived a torturous living dead existence with Alzheimer's, vascular dementia and untreated cancer for around 7 years by that point.

None of my Grandparents made 80 so hopefully I'll pop off at a reasonable age and not outlive what nature originally intended for me.

To be cynical ; follow the money. Keeping them alive even when they have zero quality of life brings in the fees.
Hospitals aren’t much better; when my older sister who had Downs Syndrome and advanced dementia had a catastrophic stroke, the hospital rang me every 4 hours to check if I wanted to lift her DNR. She took 48 hours to pass away peacefully in no pain, and yet the doctors, it was always a doctor calling to check if I wanted to bring back to life a brain dead person.

The stats for survival in care homes are not that long. Under two years for both sexes, as an average. I seem to remember it’s far shorter than that for men.

Honestly, this is a non problem!

I saw many people in my father’s nursing home who had apparently been there for years just sort of vegetating, with no quality of life - it was so sad.

Thankfully my father only lasted a few months in there, in the end he died of a chest infection and I was relieved for him and us that he didn’t spend years and years wasting away in a chair, not knowing who or where he was.

I’m in my 40’s and determined to keep up regular weight bearing exercise as I get older. There is a womanin my reformer pilates class who is early 70’s - she told me she is doing it to keep up her mobility, so she can continue to lift up her grandchildren, get in and out of the bath etc. I think she’s brilliant, as she is taking reaponsibilty for her own heath.

Sadly my mother won’t do any form of exercise. She is early 80’s, and has osteoarthritis in her hips (no pain apparently) and has had several falls over the last few years. But just sits in her chair for 10 hours a day, and is almost afraid to go for a walk. She won’t do anything to help herself, it’s very frustrating.

But it also the fear of prosecution/civil litigtaion that means health care workers have to intervene.

I've also seen the FB posts, in the words of a song "hope I die before I get old".

My mother lived for 18 years, yes that's correct after admission to her nursing home. She had a devastating stroke and became relatively immobile needing hoists etc. She lived with me for a few years after her stroke but it was making me ill, and my back hasn't recovered yet!

In the end, after a reasonably good time in the NH (she was the boss ha ha as the longest resident!), she got an infection probably pneumonia. Doc asked us what to do, treat or not, and with our agreement they gave her wonderful comfort care and she died very peacefully within a week or so.

@KeeleyJ I have a friend whose mother just died at 104. She’s 80 herself. The mother went in the care home on end of life, doctors said she’d only last a couple of weeks. She lived another 2 years. The adult children cared for her at home for nearly 35 years. They went daily.

A big problem nowadays is that the elderly and frail dont seem to be allowed to pas away peacefully any more. I remember my great granny who lived in the next stree to us, this was around 1967/68, she was in her 80s, she started becoming very frail quite quickly, family doctor visited and advised my gran and my mum to keep her comfortable in her bed, try sips of water, and stay with her. 3 days later she passed peacefully. Now it seems that ambulances are called, off to hospital 3 days on a corridor, pumped with antibiotics and sent back home for more misery. These patients are often ridden with dementia and barely mobile. Its so sad to witness.
My mother, while she still had capacity, had the foresight to have a DNAR put on her medical records. Fast forward 10 years, and 3 months in a care home, she started with breathing difficulties, nursing team came out and settled her with some medication and she passed away in her sleep a few hours later. We were asked if we wanted her to be blue lighted to hospital, we honoured her wished and declined

I think if you took a deep dive into the stats though you’d probably find that many residents move in at end of life lasting way less than a year and the average is dragged up by a core of residents who seem to keep trundling on for many years.

Care homes are lucrative places. Not for the staff, but the owners.

They will keep people alive by hook or by crook for as long as they can.