Care homes make me think people never die

[rockrollerpud]

Recently I was given the news that someone I know died suddenly. Classic late seventies, living life totally normally, seemingly slim, fit and healthy, then gone within 24 hours from heart attack. This was surreal to me. And here is why.

I visit a relative in a care home weekly. And for want of better words, I’ve been visiting so long that I honestly feel like some people can’t die. Or at least, their bodies are just designed to trundle on like a diesel engine car with 200,000 miles on the clock.

Most of them are 80-100 years old. Many sit there all day asleep with their mouths open. Many are overweight, have multiple health conditions, yet they just don’t ever change from that. They go on for years/decades.

I have to say, there are far more women than men in the care home.

Quite regularly, I’ll read on here, that someone struggled at home but then went in a care home and only lasted 1-2 years. Yet I see the majority seem to live forever in the care homes.

Before I knew what I know now about elderly disease and decline, I’d always assumed that by the time I got to a care home, I’d be so spent, I’d only last a few years too. But now it’s freaking me out that I, like many others, could spend 15% of my life in one.

Anyone else a long term visitor to a care home and be shocked at this?

Apparently the likelihood now will be 1 in 3 or 1 in 4.

I think the numbers in care homes will keep increasing with the boomer generation, due to demographics meaning increased numbers of older people and health advances meaning longer lives. Unfortunately there have been no significant health advances in dementia, so the number of elderly people reaching a stage where care is necessary and could go on for years is steadily increasing,

If / when the property bubble bursts we will surely see a sharp drop in the numbers of care homes, there will be significantly less profit to be made without large amounts of equity to be released from the houses owned by the elderly persons.

But there will be the same number, if not more, elderly people requiring care, so care homes will need to continue to exist.

For many who do not end up living in a care home, I think similar plays out at home, except some poor adult child (usually female) sacrifices their life to care. It’s not that 80% don’t need 24/7 care and are living their best lives living at home. They are not. It’s just that they are bumbling along at home with sub-standard care and a burnt out carer trying not to lose their physical and mental
themselves.

I did take a deeper dive into the stats.

The stats are skewed by those doing 2 week respite stays, and those entering on end of life care with 1-2 months to live. If you discount these groups, apparently the average length of time in a care home is 2-3 years. Still seems very short compared to what I’ve seen.

The points made about variable care under the NHS reminded me of my father in law. After a stroke, there was no funding to improve his life with physio or speech therapy, but a seemingly unlimited pot of money to prolong his life (antibiotics, cocktails of drugs to prevent another stroke, control blood pressure etc). He lived far too long in the care home and was incredibly unhappy with his loss of autonomy.

Yeah some people are like that. My great aunt was in a care home, pretty much a vegetable, for 20+ years. It was horrific but her husband wouldn’t let her die and kept having her revived. The body kept on trying but she was long gone.

There might be a need for them but if there isn't enough profit to be made who's going to set them up?

Very well put

I'd expect the 'conversation' around prolonging life to get a lot more pragmatic as it becomes harder for individuals and authorities to fund care for an ageing population. Either that, or hellish times ahead for adult children of the very old, if nursing homes become unsustainable and there are fewer places. All very concerning.

you make a really good point @WorthyOpalZebra .

I wonder how much the difference is between the 2

I am about to have a conversation about limiting medical interventions with the GP who does the weekly rounds at my father’s care home. He distinguishes between a situation being reversible with medical intervention e.g. treating an infected finger with antibiotics and one that isn’t. I am still unsure where treating a chest infection/pneumonia with antibiotics would lie on this spectrum. I suppose you can reverse the chest infection, but you are only going to restore that person to, at best, their pre-existing health status.

I'd be interested to hear how that conversation goes, and what the GP's thoughts are. My DF keeps getting antibiotics which do resolve his repeated UTI's and chest infections, but which just leave him existing for longer with zero quality of life. DM is the one with POA and she takes a very polarised view of things - ie, giving antibiotics versus actually killing DF, or spoon-feeding calorie dense mush versus actively starving DF. No middle ground at all.

Please come back to us and let us know how that conversation goes.
I’d be very interested to know what the Dr says!

I’ve just been for my weekly visit to my relative at the care home. I’m used to it. I really am. But they were particularly bad this evening and I feel so hopeless and depressed. Watching this endless, torturous decline. They were in a lot of pain and discomfort and confusion. It’s just terrible and I feel so sad and lost. For them and for me.

There is one couple who make me laugh though. They are a married couple and they absolutely hate each other and are thoroughly pissed off all the time. They continually say awful things to each other. Tonight, the carers helped the woman to leave the lounge and the husband shouted “When you get her to the stairs, throw her down them will you”

She says similar things about him!

😂🤦‍♀️

Oh they secretly adore each other

Christ, imagine enduring an unhappy marriage and ending up in the same care home as each other. No escape, no time on your own, probably sharing a room and having to witness each other's mutual indignity and decline. That's a whole deeper circle of hell I'd never imagined.

There are three rooms for couples in the home. I’ve often thought that if they share a room there would be a safeguarding risk - I’m sure one would kill the other. If they had the means or strength.

It’s not an ending like Noah and Allie in the movie The Notebook, that’s for sure!