How to handle concerns about elderly in-laws planning a long drive

[Runningupthehillagain]

My FIL’s health hasn’t been great for years but the last three he has really deteriorated. But then also, he’s “fine”. He’s spent a lot of time with the frailty team at the hospital who couldn’t help him (I suspect he’s also told them he’s “fine”.

He has limited mobility now - not sure if that’s through choice or not. He hardly moves from him chair or from home. He struggles to walk without reaching for a chair or a wall for support. He has fallen a number of times but in-laws always explain these little instances away.

They have just announced they are going to embark on a very long drive - will require a stop overnight - and on motorways. They don’t drive far now - to the supermarket and hospital appointments mainly - so it’s been many years since they’ve driven for any length of time.

We have spoken to them about our concerns and they plan to share the driving between them but aren’t keen to hear our concerns. I get that we can’t stop them but it’s not just themselves they are putting at risk. We’ve suggested trains etc but they won’t hear of it. Can anyone offer advice?

I'm not meaning to be callous but don't be too helpful in sorting the mess out otherwise they'll do it all again in a few months.

E g Leave MIL long enough to run out of clean clothes, have to pay a hefty hotel bill etc.

We were constantly sorting out MIL's self made problems as she knew best but started saying to her things like 'sorry, we're busy today, we'll help tomorrow evening' when for the 50th time she had messed with the settings on her TV remote and turned it into Chinese (other default languages available) despite us telling her not to use that remote.

Still no answer on the ward however we have made plans to bring him home when he’s discharged.

Getting old and losing independence is really really hard. We all think we will handle it graciously and rationally, but I wonder if I actually will, when the time comes

POA can be made at any age - for those thinking your parents should have one, get one sorted for yourself

not only does it provide protection should the worst happen but also it stops being something to do with age and decline and becomes instead standard life admin - surely everyone has one kind of thing

Ha ha do you think all people who are older and physically frail are inevitably so gullible? My friend’s very elderly dad still drives - it’s his thing - and he’d ace any discussion about car maintence hands down.

I've just done my own LPA paperwork - it's very easy to do online.

My 58yo friend and her DH were driving up north and he started slurring his words and refused to stop driving the car (his pride and joy). He fell out of the car at MILs house and was quickly bluelighted to hospital where they discovered he'd had a stroke. They were both there for a month as he'd always been the only insured driver on "his" car and so friend had not driven for years on the motorway and had lost confidence. BIL drove them back home once her DH had recovered and BIL could get time off work to do the journey and stay overnight. Her DH's still not allowed to drive yet so friends had a few refresher driving lessons to get back into it and is now insured on "their" car. I think his health crisis has shaken them up, but resulted in a fix - for now anyway.

It makes you realise that being reliant on one driver can fall apart if health suddenly declines. They need a plan B.

It's not gullability at all. If a car has only been used for very short local trips, it makes sense to do a practice run of a longer, faster journey before taking it out on a multi-hour or multi-day adventure, just to make sure things are working as expected and that there are no unexpected warnings that reveal themselves after a longer run - tyre pressures, engine warnings, etc. I'm sure your friend's elderly mechanically minded dad would agree with me

The side effect though is that, if the drivers have only been driving locally and are out of practice on motorway driving, a shorter go will either restore their confidence or show them that it's not for them, without the conflict that comes from outright questioning their competence.