Dad dating soon after mum died is upsetting and affecting our relationship

[beckstar2021]

hi all, So parents were married 40+ years, mum passed away last year after a short illness. A few months later dad is looking for a new partner he found one they dated it didn’t work out. So he’s back looking again, he’s posting his photo on socials, joining all the online dating sites locally. Every single time you speak to him he is on about women. I find this very disrespectful & it’s screaming desperate and it is starting to make me resent him & not want to see him. I feel as if mum didn’t matter, & them 40years were nothing, i just feel like he is being very selfish.
I understand he may get lonely but he is still of good health and can be very active , we have suggested many things taken him to find social clubs etc , & he wants female company not male!
I really don’t like the way i am starting to feel towards him, i never hear from him unless i call or chase up, i never get a how are you it’s just all so very self absorbed.
Has anyone else experienced this with a parent when their other parent has been bereaved? i feel like i could scream sometimes!!!!

I didn’t vote as it’s such a difficult one. In your shoes I too would be upset and feel it’s disrespectful.

It’s maybe just his way of dealing with his grief, a distraction and something to keep him busy. From experience though, I’ve found it’s not that uncommon for men to get a new partner so quickly.

Similar OP. You won’t change him. I lost some respect for him/ hold him in lesser high regard but overall just want him to be happy. Whatever that looks like for him. Tell him you’re not interested in hearing about it and enjoy what you can about the relationship.

I think you need to separate your grief for your mother from your father dating.

You may understandably have complicated feelings about this, but I think all you can do is ask him not to keep filling you in on his romantic life as you find it upsetting, but you respect his right to lead his life as he sees fit.

I think he is being insensitive to talk to you about it all the time.

But I don’t think he’s really doing anything wrong by dating.

He is entitled to live his life.

But you don't need to hear about your dad's dating journey. Especially so soon after your mother has passed away.

YANBU

YABVU
See this a lot in my demographic with grown up kids resenting their parent seeking a loving relationship. So selfish.
Of course the GUKs grieve the missing parent, as indeed did the surviving parent, but wishing loneliness on the survivor is very cruel.

Just tell him that you understand him wanting to date, but that it's too early for you to be comfortable listening to the details. So can he please stop discussing these women with you

He needs to chat about his dating life and his desperate hunt for women with his mates, not his daughter.

I’ve now known a few men (and it’s always men) who’ve been actively dating within weeks or a couple of months of their wives dying and tbh it’s made me view them completely differently.

My friend is going through this and feels the same, it’s less than a year since her mum died after over 50 years of marriage.

I think there is such a thing as too soon, but men in particular often struggle without a ‘wife’ figure in their lives. I think the only thing you can do is ask him not to tell you about it. Sympathies.

I'd see it not so much as disrespectful as worrying that he feels he has to be with a woman rather than be OK on his own. Does he want someone to cook and clean for him?

My mum also died last year and I would be very upset if my dad was dating already. I don’t understand the rush. Like you I wouldn’t want to talk to him about it.

Assuming he is retired and living on his own, it's very lonely to be an older bereaved person. He misses human interaction but that doesn't mean your mum meant nothing to him.

You've lost your mum, which is always going to be unbearable, but he's lost his wife of 40 years. He's grieving, he's desperately trying to fill the hole that she has left in his world, although in a really clumsy way that seems disrespectful, and yes he's being selfish, because that's what grief does to us.

You don't mention how old he is, but it really is preferable than sitting alone at home for him, and in a roundabout way, for you. I'd say that you don't want to hear the ins and outs as you're finding it a bit difficult to deal with, but of course he must live his life as he sees fit.

I think I read somewhere that men who were very happily married and loved their wife are more likely to seek a new relationship after the death of their wife, while for women it is often the opposite. I think the theory is that they are just desperate to recreate what they had with their wife and believe it will be easy to find again. There is also some thinking that men take far longer to process grief than women in that they seem to move on quickly from the end of one relationship regardless of how it ended and months or even years later the loss hits them and then they grieve more fully.

Women are more likely to take time out immediately after that kind of loss and do their grieving in the immediate aftermath and then when they are ready to move on they really are ready and have made peace with that loss or are fully over their ex.

It doesn't always work like that but it is what some psychologists think. I am not sure if it helps but it is perhaps a sign of just how happy he was with your mum that he wants to recreate that with someone else and also a warning that the grief of losing her may still yet hit him even if he appears to have moved on quickly.

Of course. He also needs someone to do the emotional labour of living. He will have relied upon his wife for his physical and emotional wellbeing for decades.

It is difficult I know, and I'm really sorry for the loss of your mum,. Dad was quite lonely after Mum died as they did a lot together, so my father did a bit of dating, one was not so nice bit of a gold digger if you ask me always wanting fine dining and didn't last long! 2nd was OK, but the 3rd, E, was lovely, really kind and thoughtful, and a great character lots of fun especially with the kids.

Some while after Dad found the right lady (E) he described it to me that he was very lucky to have found a second great love of his life, but that in no way diminished the love for our mother - she would always be and still was his first true love, and the mother of all of his offspring, and nothing would or could ever replace that. However he hoped that we could see his love for E was in addition to and completely separate from his love for our Mum.

It actually worked really well because he was really happy and we could take a step back from making sure he had company/something to do at a time we all had young family to contend with as well at the time (lived 2hr away so couldn't just pop in), and it turned out as we got to know her better we all adored E too.
They never married as that would have complicated the already complicated inheritances, but lived happily together for many years. Sadly E died also of cancer (as did Mum) a few years before Dad died, but he really had the best of times with E, they did lots together, and I completely understand what he was saying. E was never ever a substitute for Mum - and she'd be the first to say that - but was certainly a wonderful addition to his life.

I hope the above helps you, and you can find a way forward to resolve the conflict you're feeling.

I get it hard as you think dad dating means he didn’t love your mum that much

as she had an illness thy prob spoke about meeting someone else and she prob gave her blessing

it is lonely When your spouse dies an even more so after being with your mum so long

yes he is free to date. No you don’t need to know about it all the time

It's very common for men to want to hook up with someone else after their wife dies. Especially the more dependent they were on their wife in general.

You can tell him you don't want to hear about his dating life though.

I can see why this is upsetting for you and I’m really sorry to hear about your mum. Lots of men don’t seem able to cope alone, especially when they’re older.

I hate the way men move on so quickly after losing their wives, but that's me. My DH died 20 months ago and I haven't given a single thought to dating again....well that's a lie actually, because I think sharing my life with another bloke would be horrendous!

I'd maybe say to him that you accept he's moving on quickly from your mums death, but you're still grieving and finding it hard, so you'd appreciate if he could keep tales of his dating efforts to himself for now.

My dad did the same, introduced his new girlfriend 3 months after mum died and they were engaged.

What can I say? It's too soon, it's disrespectful to your mums memory, to you children. It's also can be a reflection of your dads poor method of coping, the fear of being alone, wanting to another woman to do the woman role (esp if your mum did all the chores) and also perhaps just he's thinking with his dick. I also would question any woman who is willing to get together with a widow so quick after the passing of his wife. A decent person would question if your dad would be ready to date. My dads partner was a gold digger.

There's not much you can do OP other than keep your fingers crossed he will be ok, that he the woman he ends up with is decent and he doesn't want to get married again. If hearing about it too hard, ask him not to talk about them or take some time off from visiting. I do really feel for you, it's hard.

Agree with others, he is entitled to do what he likes with regard to dating, but he is being insensitive to your grief and should be more discreet about it all. My friends DM died fairly young of cancer (70s) and her DF found a new partner fairly quickly which was difficult for my friend but several years later all is well, they haven't moved in together or have any plans to marry but all are happy.

It's so so disappointing straight after your mum dying - I'm sorry 😔
The thing is, men don't do well on their own and need someone for all the crappy jobs like cooking and washing. It is shit tho

Hi Op I have experience of this. My mum died in April 2021 and my dad started looking for companionship after a few months. Dated an acquaintance first, didn't work out. Then in February of 2022 met his current partner. Ultimately I want him to be happy but I have always been very clise to my dad. It helps that new partner is lovely. She is also widowed and both speak about their previous spouses openly. I struggled more when they both sold their separate houses and bought a house together and one that is not pensioner friendly at 82 and 80. She has adult children I've not been introduced to. Feels like it could be complicated in the future. My autistic son has very much struggled, he was very close to his nan, my mum and thinks grandad moved on very quickly. It's an emotionally charged situation but ultimately I think acceptance helps, everyone has their own life to lead.

My step father waa on the hunt immediately. He went through my mum address book and asked l her friends to meet up.
He took up with one of my mums bad friends, shes very ill now, hes seeing somewone else, doesnt know i know.
I was really angry. I realised that he was seeing other women throughout the long duration of their marriage.
All the time hes mr nice guy.