Dad dating soon after mum died is upsetting and affecting our relationship

[beckstar2021]

hi all, So parents were married 40+ years, mum passed away last year after a short illness. A few months later dad is looking for a new partner he found one they dated it didn’t work out. So he’s back looking again, he’s posting his photo on socials, joining all the online dating sites locally. Every single time you speak to him he is on about women. I find this very disrespectful & it’s screaming desperate and it is starting to make me resent him & not want to see him. I feel as if mum didn’t matter, & them 40years were nothing, i just feel like he is being very selfish.
I understand he may get lonely but he is still of good health and can be very active , we have suggested many things taken him to find social clubs etc , & he wants female company not male!
I really don’t like the way i am starting to feel towards him, i never hear from him unless i call or chase up, i never get a how are you it’s just all so very self absorbed.
Has anyone else experienced this with a parent when their other parent has been bereaved? i feel like i could scream sometimes!!!!

@beckstar2021 yes, I would feel pretty upset too. But you say he's always been self absorbed so that's probably been hard to deal with throughout the years. It seems he's always been this way and now you are facing the stark reality of it?

It's a statistical fact that bereaved men start dating/couple up again far, far sooner than widowed women. In fact often older widowed women (I'm one of them) don't bother at all. I've known men get back in the saddle when their wives are barely cold. It is sickening OP. But then that's men I'm afraid. It's usually all about them and especially who's going to look after them.

Yep, been through this and you will get people telling you that he’s entitled to live his life etc. Which may be true, but feels horrible for you. Unfortunately men (especially of that generation) are overwhelmingly more likely than women to do this and seeing it happen time and again has made me lose a lot of respect for them. Beady eyed women of that generation also hover around new widowers like vultures the moment their wife dies, waiting to pounce. I don’t understand it at all.

Women grieve, men replace. That’s the saying isn’t it.

You’re totally within your rights to feel devastated by all this. I don’t speak to my dad any more because he gave over his whole life to his new woman very fast, adopted her friends as his and stopped having any interest in his old family, gave her POA and rights to the house etc, and now I feel I lost them both when my mum died.

Focus on your own memories of your lovely mum and honour her in your own way.

Men seem to do this a lot more than women do. I think many of them can’t stand being alone. You can’t do anything about it other than tell him you don’t want to hear about the women he’s meeting or the dates he’s going on.

A lot of men do this. He probably just wants your mum back, and this is how it's manifesting. He knows he can't have her, but he's subconsciously still searching. Men don't cope very well without women.

My step father did this, he had practically moved in to our family home just six months after his wife died. My step sister was amazing about it because she knew he was hopeless on his own. After my mum died, he found a new partner pretty soon too, though this time he kept a bit more separate. We were all good about this because we knew it was what was best for him.

Some men just really struggle on their own, and it is nice to know that there is someone keeping him company. And it takes the responsibility of our shoulders too as children of a berieved parent. It is not disrespectful. They have grieved. They are trying to move on independently and be positive about the future. Some people can do this on their own (mainly women), but others prefer to have a special person around as a companion who they can talk to on another level.

That's hard OP.

in your shoes i would feel the same and i would be telling him that he can keep his dating activities and wishes to himself and that i don't want to hear about it.

Typical man, though: can't exist without their support human (not saying this is necessarily what's going on - did your mum do everything like cooking, cleaning etc etc?)

In short, it is ok for him to want company. It is ok for you not to want to hear about his (what is imo indecent haste) way of going about it

I can understand you find it difficult but you need to let him live his own life. It doesn’t mean he didn’t love your Mum. It’s really common for men in particular to move onto a new relationship incredibly fast after a bereavement. Women tend to be happy to be alone.

There is a need for understanding here. Losing a partner of so many years is the toughest thing you’ll ever go through. Your dad is seeking comfort, he misses his wife, he’s lonely, and this is his way of coping. He needs to feel loved and wanted again. There is a real thing called widows fire which applies to widowers too. Google it and it may help you understand your dear dad.

My husband died in 2018. I only started dating last year, in part because I wasn't particularly interested in being in a relationship, but mostly out of respect for our three adult children. I didn't want them to feel I was replacing their dad. Turns out they are super keen for me to meet someone. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of men have form for wanting to jump into another relationship as soon as possible, mainly because they feel lost without a partner and want looking after, especially after a decades-long relationship.

In my case, it was my mother who was straight on the hunt for another man. And she revelled in telling me just how much the men fancied her. It was all a bit gross.

Fortunately she ended up with a partner who was a very nice guy (well within the year) but continued to try to give me and my brother way to much information about their sex life.

Please do not get me wrong i want my dad to be happy, we have a large family and he has many hobbies but it just seems that he is hellbent on finding someone, that’s all his focus on. He rang me yesterday and asked me if i could download a photo for him, i asked him what it was and it is a photo for his dating profile, it all just doesn’t sit right with me. I know mum would want him to be happy i don’t begrudge him that, i just wish he wouldn’t be so desperate about it all. For a little context it was a very difficult time looking after mum, & then going on to deal with dad he was in a very bad place. In all honesty i don’t think i have had the chance to properly grieve my mum, as i have been too busy with him. I do appreciate the posts, all advise is welcome as i feel out of my depth here! I definitely think that telling him i don’t want to know about his dating would be best for me!

I agree with this. By talking about it to you he is making it your business too OP, and I would find that upsetting. He needs to stop talking to you about it and establish a father/daughter relationship with you - you are not his mate.

I can't vote on this.
I totally get why you feel like you do.
I think he is entitled to live life as he wishes.
I think it would be reasonable for you to say "Dad its too soon for me to hear about this
I know a very nice lady who has been widowed twice and is now married for a third time. I didn't know her first husband but the other two have been nice enough and she seems happy so no not just men who seem to need a partner. It's not my choice but its a choice.

This happens alot with men.

I don’t know if it’s because they’re unable to process their emotions as well as women and it’s easier to ignore and move on without addressing things or if it’s because they just can’t stomach being alone and having to look after themselves so they want to find someone asap.

Whatever the reason I can see 100% why you’re hurting and I would be too.

OMG what a cruel post! She is not wishing him loneliness.

She loved her mum and is grieving too.

It’s not too much to ask for the father to be a bit more emotionally intelligent and discrete.

I think there are two separate issues here.

The first one is that the speed at which he is moving on feels very disrespectful to the memory of your mum. It must feel horrible. But I agree with PPs that is is probably more complicated than that. He must feel utterly bereft and is probably seeking comfort in the only way he understands. I think men a probably more emotionally (and practically) reliant on their wives than women are on their husbands. So although it must hurt terribly, perhaps it is more a reflection of how much he loved your mum, and cannot bear to be without everything she brought to his life.

The second issue is that he is massively oversharing with you, without considering how upsetting it must be to you to discuss this with him. Here he is bang out of order, and I think you should spell it out to him in no uncertain terms that although you want him to be happy, you do not want to be his confidant in dating.

I'm so sorry @beckstar2021 - I really can see how upsetting (and grim) this is for you. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

My experience is based on witnessing a little of this but from a somewhat different perspective. My lovely dad died very suddenly and tragically, no warning whatsoever, when he was just 70. What struck me was how quickly a number of local widowers, who had known my parents socially, started 'honing in' on my now-widowed mum - one within a matter of days. M is quite naive in these matters, and chose to see it as nothing more than local friends being extra-friendly and supportive. But it was very clear to me and my DB and DS what the intent was; to the point where we discussed potentially having a word with the most persistent caller, before he seemed to take the hint and back off. One of them even mentioned "having someone in my life again now, to do the cooking and cleaning". I get the fact that time is increasingly of the essence when one is older, but really...

I don't think you will be able to say anything to make him stop, but you can do your best to opt out of hearing the salacious details. As soon as it starts up, you can exit the conversation "sorry dad, someone's at the door." Or just "have to go now dad, bye!".

One thing I would caution you to be mindful of, however, (if your dad will listen; possibly not, but you can warn him and be watchful yourself) - if he is putting himself, his picture and his details on socials and dating sites, then he is opening himself up VERY widely to scammers. Scammers, particularly romance scammers, prey on the vulnerable, lonely and desperate and your father's actions are the very pointers they seek out. Be on the alert for your dad potentially sending money or Amazon/Apple gift cards to "girlfriends". Hopefully this will not happen, but it can and does, even to intelligent and tech-savvy people, so if you think it may be starting up with some of your dad's correspondents, it might be worth contacting his bank to report any concerns - Romance fraud - Report Fraud. I really hope that this advice is not needed.

I wish you better times ahead, and I hope your dad can find peace and happiness in his own way. I'm really sorry you are navigating this as well as the loss of your mum. x

mum died of cancer a few years ago, i was shocked when a few weeks later dad was dating this woman who was very needy and disabled, she hated me, he moved her in a few months later,i was only allowed to visit for an hour at most, i was very upset,then she became ill and died, by then he was very ill and died soon after after running round after her for about a year, i found a new will while clearing his house, he had ment to leave her a load of money but only if he died first, so she got none, i know it hurts, nothing you can do. just keep an eye on the situation reguarding his money etc

I understand why you may upset, but you are not in your Dads shoes, only he knows if and when he wants to date and it may be helping him through his grief, whether its healthy or not.

Separate your feelings about your lovely mum from this, your dads working through this in his way.

My friends mum has fallen in love two months after her dad died! Big shock but she’s happy for her

in your shoes I’d ask dad not to tell you about dating just if he finds someone serious

My mother hadn’t even been buried and a mystery woman was there when I turned up. 2 weeks later they went for a drink, 6 weeks later they went on a weekend away and 4 months after my mother died she moved in. I’ve not spoken to my father for 11 years, he would just not listen to how we felt and made us decide that either we would ‘accept’ the woman or he wanted nothing to do with us. I made my choice!

I agree that being introduced to your dad's new partner is very different to being actively involved in finding a new partner. I wouldn't have been comfortable with that at all.

I didnt vote because its not straightforward

the gender roles in generations above us were more often than not very defined -it can be that men don’t know how to live outside of a traditional husband role - that women expressed their feminine sides for them - so they become incomplete so to speak and this can drive the hunt for a partner

that said you really need to tell your dad how it feels because he sounds really blinkered - like pp said you don’t want to be involved in the dating part of his life because your not able to right now - that your grieving at different speeds

I can’t bear the way men do this.
My FIL re married THREE MONTHS after his wife died.
Im convinced they can’t bear their own company and want someone to cook/clean and do the washing.
My concern would be that he meets someone new, moves them in/marries them and everything your mum ever worked for gets left to the ‘new’ wife - it happens so so many times (happened in my family with my great uncle).
This is why my husband nd I are TennantS in common and my half of our house/estate will go straight to our daughter.
Men just think of the here and now - who will cook my tea/dinner, wash my clothes.
I genuinely believe with half of them that once the wife is gone it’s out of sight, out of mind. Must go back to cave men survival instincts who will cook the woolly mammoth/keep the fire going and the cave swept.
@beckstar2021 speak to him about how you feel, make sure that (with his permission) you take any of your mums things that you want and don’t feel guilty if his behaviour changes how you feel about him.