Dad dating soon after mum died is upsetting and affecting our relationship

[beckstar2021]

hi all, So parents were married 40+ years, mum passed away last year after a short illness. A few months later dad is looking for a new partner he found one they dated it didn’t work out. So he’s back looking again, he’s posting his photo on socials, joining all the online dating sites locally. Every single time you speak to him he is on about women. I find this very disrespectful & it’s screaming desperate and it is starting to make me resent him & not want to see him. I feel as if mum didn’t matter, & them 40years were nothing, i just feel like he is being very selfish.
I understand he may get lonely but he is still of good health and can be very active , we have suggested many things taken him to find social clubs etc , & he wants female company not male!
I really don’t like the way i am starting to feel towards him, i never hear from him unless i call or chase up, i never get a how are you it’s just all so very self absorbed.
Has anyone else experienced this with a parent when their other parent has been bereaved? i feel like i could scream sometimes!!!!

I'd ask him to stop over sharing and trying to involve you.

I have a slightly different perspective. My DH wife died 10 years ago now, their sons were age 20 and 25. I met my DH quite shortly after she died through a shared hobby and we decided to get married two years after meeting. The older of his sons was vile about it and still is. The younger one lived with us until recently. I wasn't a 'gold digger' etc, I'd been divorced 14 years by the time I met him and certainly neither of us was looking for a partner. It is true that men tend to seek a new partner quite quickly sometimes, but he wasn't looking and we still had animosity from his older son.

Anyway, in your case, I'd explain that you don't want that level of detail or to feel like you're helping him with doing this.

Shortly after my OH died I briefly felt the need to have a new partner ... I just felt so lonely. But that passed quickly as I began to adapt to my new circumstances. Six years later it is the last thing I would want.

Agree with most people on here: he's entitled to look for a new relationship but while he's still in the looking stage, you shouldn't have to hear about it! It's called a private life for a reason.

the gender roles in generations above us were more often than not very defined -it can be that men don’t know how to live outside of a traditional husband role

has OP mentioned how old her dad is? I have been married for more than 40 years and i am in my very early 60s. Even my mum, who is now 85, was a fully fledged 2nd wave feminist and my dad was perfectly able to run the household without her and she without him. Are you thinking of people born in the last century?

That’s why I said more often than not

her parents were married for 40 years yes so we can guess likely ages 60 plus and definitely born last century

you are being naive to think your set up is the rule - even this century women do the bulk of housework and childcare even when working full time or more hours than male partners - can’t believe you don’t know that!

I’m only in my 50s and the generation above me were all “housewives” in the 1970s and not economically independent on the whole - you only have to watch some of the sitcoms from 70s to see what people’s roles were. Margot and Barbara we’re housewives deferring to their husbands!!

BUT I’m talking about the emotional identities than more the practical and of course a mumsnet post is just to highlight what might be going on for OP and give poster food for thought that they can reject or accept

Let’s not disrail the thread by policing what people put forward 👍

whoppee for you about your equality drive upbringing

I think this is exactly it - a lot of older men just can’t cope mentally without a woman in their life if they have always had one their and will desparately try to fill that void whereas I know far fewer women in that position at that age who do this -

This is what I would feel like, I would feel its too soon. I would tell him I will not be involved wanting to hear anything or meet her etc anytime soon. Tough situation op.

How old is your dad ? I ask because a lot of older men ( and women ) went from living with parents to living with their wife / husband . For men that often meant dinners and housework done by mum to the same by his new wife .
A lot of men have never run a house or been solely responsible in doing all the tasks that brings .
He could be trying to fill those shoes that did those jobs .
I'm not saying that is shouldn't be hurtful for you and I get that is is but could you have an honest talk with him to air ( both ) of your opinions ?

GUKs??

I'd say there's a strong degree of him not coping living alone, and desperately wanting someone to cook/clean/care for him. However it's pretty shit to have to stand back and watch/listen to.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to tell him you're finding it hard and he needs to talk to someone else about this.

I realised that he was seeing other women throughout the long duration of their marriage.

Realised, or actually found out?

What a prick!

my dad is 72, cleans and cooks no health issues, i agree he is lonely but he definetly needs to tone it down a bit as he is posting on social media locally etc, i dont want him to be fooled i genuinely wish for him to be happy, i have told him that i dont want to know before it fell on deaf ears…i have been ill recently hasn’t asked me once how i am, when i said i wasnt well enough to come over and download a photo for him on his dating site he was a bit abrupt with me asking me why i couldn’t come 😏

"Women grieve, men replace. That’s the saying isn’t it".

Yes although the version I know is "women mourn, men marry". Definitely a thing.

The first time I came across it was on a on-line forum for people with autism and their families. One of the members was a man in his forties whose wife died a few months after being diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. They seem to have had a very happy marriage - she wasn't a member of the forum but he mentioned her often and always very positively. Well, as soon as she had died, he signed up for on-line dating - I'm talking within days or even hours. By the day of his wife's funeral, he had met and got engaged to a woman he met on-line. He had two children - a daughter in her mid teens and a son a bit younger. The daughter was openly and extremely distraught, distressed and disgusted with her father. The son basically hid in his bedroom and didn't speak to anyone.

The marriage didn't work out - as predicted by most of the women on the forum. The men were a bit more optimistic. A year down the line, the son still wasn't speaking to his father, and was doing badly at school, as was the daughter, who had moved in with her aunt, and took nothing to do with her father.

Even though i see this point i can't help but find it quite disrespectful when bereaved ,usually men get into a relationship within the blink of an eye of their spouse passing.
My close friend's dad did it within a few weeks of her moms death and it caused such distress to her teenage children in particular.
Another friends mom did the same , my friend was heartbroken as it was so soon , these were both long stable seemingly loving relationships.
I would have lost some respect for my living parent had they done this.
If they must jump into another relationship then at least keep it to themselves until time passes , they are not the only one grieving , adult children and grandchildren should have their feelings considered too.

Apparently men who had happy marriages do often move on quite quickly.

It's not because he doesn't miss your mum, it's because he does.

Oh OP - I could have written this. My mum died very suddenly and within months my dad had a ‘friend’ that he brought on holiday less than a year after my mum died and I was expected to meet her. Like you I had to listen to all the details of his various relationship issues. I really resent not putting my foot down from the start and saying ‘your a grown man do what you want but I’m not ready to hear about it’. I now just let it go in one ear and out of the other cos he won’t stop. Please don’t make my mistake. Shut it down now. Tell him clearly that you don’t want him to talk about his relationships and any time he tries to raise shut it down. It’s pure selfishness and not fair on you at all.

It took me a while, I’m guessing Grown Up Kids. Haven’t seen it before.

I think a lot of you adult children are being very unfair, unless you're having regular lunches and meals out with him, evenings in front of the TV, inviting Dad on holiday....would you prefer he's home alone all day every day?

He might be trying to avoid his grief by focusing on dating.

Your feelings are completely valid, but just bear in mind that your dad might be struggling more than he seems.

I think asking your adult children to come and help you with dating profiles when they haven’t been well and their mum died less than a year ago is very unfair. No one generally wants a widowed parent to be alone forever but don’t expect them to want to hear about your exploits - particularly if they have specifically asked you not to talk about it.

I do think there is often a lot of truth in that

Is it that, or just wishing that the surviving parent could have time to grieve before moving on so quickly and seemingly uncaring about their dead wife/mother of the children who are still reeling from the loss?

I didn't begrudge my dad for moving on, I begrudged him for doing it within 3 months. Dad told me about her 3 months after mum died. I presume he hooked up with her sooner as he'd not tell us immediately? Ugh.

Men generally see women as domestic appliances, so when the appliance breaks they just replace it.

I'm sorry OP, I would find this very upsetting too

It is incredibly common. Senior men with long marriages rarely stay single long.

when my mother died, women were walking up to my father in the street and hitting on my father in front of me within weeks. He was a highly prized commodity. Men die younger and he had money and a proven track record. (They didn’t know he abused my mother.)

he had a permanent live-in girlfriend within a year. She is way too good for him. I like her.

I’m not going to lie and say I don’t hate that he dated so
quickly and so much. It was awful. It’s just that it is perfectly normal.

what I did do and I recommend you doing is sitting him down and telling him that you understand why he is dating, but you aren’t ready to be a part of it yet. He needs to find someone else to talk to about it. Not forever. Just for now.

I had similar with my dad. My parents were together 61 years so he was 80 when she passed away and it broke us all. Covid hit, lockdown hit him really hard and he was so lonely it was awful. As soon as social groups started to open up I literally forced him into lunch clubs and dominoes as I knew what he needed was human interaction. He did have his twinkling eye on more or two ladies and quite honestly this was no reflection on how he felt about my mum, but I do think older men in particular thrive with a wife figure. Unfortunately he never got the confidence to ask one for a date and passed away at 85. I think he died slowly of a broken heart despite me going round every day he just wanted my mum there. I wish he could have found some happiness in his later years.