Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

You do need to be firm about this.
I'm sure you will be. Your brother is an idiot.

DB did speak to the nurse. DM is not yet at the stage of needing Midazolam but they are going speak to the GP about getting mum some sort of mild sedation.

DM is getting less and less aware of her surroundings.

DM's CH has been terribly hot this week but DM herself doesnt seem to be physically reacting to it, not at all sweaty. Not sure if this is just an old age thing.

3 weeks to go until our holiday. I have booked channel crossing and en route hotels (driving down to south of France) so that they can be cancelled if need be.

This will be our first holiday since everything started with DM. DH is getting excited but I cant focus.

I know that feeling of not being able to focus on getting on holiday @GnomeDePlume. It’s a complete surprise to me that we have made it here. I hope you get to go, you deserve a lovely break.

@GnomeDePlume my mum doesn't notice heat either. Shell have the thermostat set to 28/29 and still wear a thick cardigan and have a blanket over her legs. Meanwhile I'm sweating in a t-shirt and light trousers.

Well we've had fun with ER (Elderly Relative). Carers sent us a picture of what appears to be the aftermath of a fire in the house. Thank god it seems to be a flare up that went out quickly, as the fire brigade have already warned us that the cottage would go up like a tinderbox. But she'd not called the fire brigade and she wouldn't tell us how it happened (though we have a pretty good idea).

Then ER did a runner, left a note on her door saying she'd gone away and would be back later. Again thankfully she was found, but after an hour in the sun this weekend. And rather than calling an ambulance, the person who found her just took her home. I managed to organise an emergency welfare visit from her carer (which I'll be invoiced for, but hey ho), who was able to get her settled, check her hydration, etc. But starting to feel like we're rolling towards the next crisis, almost exactly a year after the last one.....

Jumping in with two feet as I tend to lurk, rather than post here. 18 months into the neverending saga of having to sort out Mum's life choices as she headed into a nursing home, I have finally taken her "antiques" for valuation. No great surprises, her treasure hoard is better off in a charity shop but at least I can lose the guilt of giving it away. It took a solid 18 months to clear her home (she was a hoarder) and now I feel I can at least say I have done as much as I can. Despite having an extremely tricky (very low to no contact with her at times) it has been exhausting and emotional in equal measure, and sorting through her belongings threw up so many horrendous memories, explained a number of things I have been repeatedly gaslit over, and caused arguments with wider family. Anyhow, barring dropping off the last few remaining boxes I am very nearly done. Not quite at "liberation" point yet, but so many belongings to carry and work through has been a heavy weight - even with house clearance involved. There was just so much stuff and so much hidden in random places...

Anyhow am working from home today and on my own, so just needed to share with people that get it.

@Lastknownaddress well done on getting close to the end point.

I suspect that when it comes to this point with DM that my DBs wont want to help much (if at all) especially DB2. I will probably enlist DDs to help as my own inclination would be to drop the lot in a skip, not looking too closely. There may be things they want to keep.

@GnomeDePlume without doubt the best support came from DH, DCs (even though they are still quite young) and friends. Too much pressure to keep things combined with a complete lack of willingness to make the tough decisions themselves when it came to immediate family.

This stuff is hard and you learn a lot about yourself and others (not always pretty!).

Like countrygirl’s mum, mine doesn’t feel the heat either. If you recall the record near 40°C heat from a few years ago, I was the one soaking my feet in a bucket of water with ice cubes, and mum was declining the fan as “it’s draughty”. She always had the heating on at tropical levels so it seems she was acclimated.

Getting her to keep hydrated though is a pain as she isn’t hot and doesn’t feel thirst. Her care home break out the lager shandies and wine spritzers on hot days though, crafty way of getting the residents fluids intake up!

@Lastknownaddress a solidarity wave and a well done to you 💐

Clearing the family house was like climbing a mountain (of stuff) on a dangerous route full of emotional land mines. When we finally managed to access one room that had been stacked to the doorway, we found neatly stacked and labelled boxes against a whole wall… this ‘system’ had been overwhelmed by never throwing anything away (and bit of a shopping addiction) meaning access to the wall of organising boxes was lost a few years ago.

I definitely wanted several skips to just take it all away @GnomeDePlume. Wishing you strength for that.

While I can’t say I have zero regrets about things that were cleared and not kept, I do regret the amount I ‘saved’ more and wish I’d limited the space I gave over to it.

Poor Mum is having a bit of a meltdown. My DB has had emergency eye surgery because of a detached retina. He went home today and Mum has been phoning me A LOT with instructions for how I need to help him. Mostly by picking her up and bringing her to his house. He's actually fine, he has friends who can help him and he can phone me anytime, but she is convinced that he will be lonely and needs company from breakfast to bedtime. I let him know her plan and his exact response was "Oh god no, I don't need any of that stress". 😆

So anyway, I will bring her to his house tomorrow and he can tell her himself that he doesn't need anything. He has already told her that by phone and text but she keeps forgetting. Perhaps an in-person reassurance will stick.

While I can’t say I have zero regrets about things that were cleared and not kept, I do regret the amount I ‘saved’ more and wish I’d limited the space I gave over to it.

Oof. This hit hard @FiniteSagacity This is what I am struggling with. Still a few bits to go. Mainly stuff she made by hand. For all her difficulties she was an exceptional craftswoman. I can't keep everything. But the woodwork, ironwork, weaving and more were all elements of her at her best.

Hugs to everyone on here working through loss, anticipatory grief and difficult emotions.

@Lastknownaddress can you keep an example of her best work? As you say, this is her at her best. If the pieces are small enough you could make a display.

You dont have to keep them all.

I dont think I will be keeping anything of DM's. We werent close and had little in common. Anyway, her estate (if there's anything left) goes to her DGCs so it will be up to them. The reality of this may be a shock to DB, he will have no right to the pick of DM's posessions.

DM has pretty much slept through the hot weather. Semi woken to be fed or have personal attention. This has disturbed DB as she has been unresponsive even to him.

Ye gods this is a ghastly business. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. DM has no life, this is just existence.

@GnomeDePlume I am getting there. Charity shop collection booked. Final sort through in the next few weeks. I won't go into 2027 carrying anything I didn't choose to.

Wishing you all the best with what comes next. It is so very hard.

@Lastknownaddress you could take photographs of all the crafted items you're not keeping, so you could look through them any time you want to, without the burden of the space they're taking up? Apologies, you have probably already done this, but just thought I'd mention it. x

Thank you for all your kind messages. I went back to my hometown on Tuesday and my brother and I cleared mum’s room and took a card and some treats for all the staff. My brother then left to fly home and yesterday I registered the death and then came home.

I kept just one item of mum’s clothing - a blouse she wore on her 90th birthday. My dad was alive then so there too and she was dotty from dementia but still happy and it was a really nice evening. My brother was trying to save her handbag, random soft toys in her room and everything! I said no.

Thank you for the update @Choux. Deciding what to do with possessions is so difficult. There is no right answer, but our house is already so full of our own stuff that it kind of makes the decision for me. Really need to have a thorough clean out, but never find the right time. Still I probably have a good 20 years before it matters.

When I feel our stuff is getting too much I go through a phase of throwing one thing out a day. I always have a box on the go for charity shop donations and occasionally Ill try and sell something that might be worth the effort. It's surprisingly effective.

Sorry for your loss @Choux. I think keeping sentimental items or items with a memory attached makes sense. I have the odd nice scarf or good quality cashmere jumper of my Grandmother's that my mother gave to me after she passed, which are lovely yet I feel closest to her when I garden.

Due to the flood at my Aunt's place we had to clear out a lot quickly and have ended up with a lot of things that we wouldn't have kept otherwise clogging up our house.

When our DM died, we were mainly ruthless with her possessions.

She was very tidy so it wasn't too difficult.

One of my sisters was a hoarder, and she tried to take everything, but as she couldn't drive and had no car, she just stuffed a large suitcase full of things, and dragged it on a train journey from London to Huntingdon.

I bet her DH was thrilled when she got back to their house.

I took some nice blouses of my mum's. And we shared the jewellery which hadn't been disposed of by DM's will.

GP has once more demonstrated that he is a waste of clean underwear.

DM is frequently quietly distressed - a lot of quiet crying. DB and I asked if she could be prescribed something which would help her with this.

GP's solution was to prescribe her a heavy duty antipsychotic which would apparently leave her pretty much out for the count. DB and I have agreed that she shouldnt be given this. CH nurse has agreed but there is a fair turnover of staff so at some point she is going to get given it I expect.

I’m so sorry to hear GP is still being so useless and you’re still in the watching and waiting phase @GnomeDePlume the one thing that should be possible is for your mum to as comfortable as possible.

@Choux well done on the boundaries around what to keep and what not to keep 💐

@Choux belated condolences to you and your brother.

@GnomeDePlume hugs.

It got put back repeatedly because of the weather, but success! - Elderly Relative has been taken to the local Apple Store and has got new kit and an issue sorted out. As she pretty much organises her whole life via phone/pad, this is ... Important.

Also I may be able to organise a trial of someone coming to cook and freeze meals - we'll see how it goes, because (as I'm sure you all know) the ability of ERs to sabotage something good "Just Because" should never be underestimated.

Another one here who's taken to paying extra for refundable/reschedule-able travel and staying within the EasyJet Zone.

I need a recommendation for a 'thing' please. I'm not what exactly the 'thing' is, but it might be some sort of whiteboard.

The problem is that Mum can't remember what she has been told (in person or by text). So Mum has a woman who goes to her in the mornings, usually four days a week but she is the single mother of small children so she misses some days. There is my cleaner who goes in two afternoons a week and they go out on 'adventures' (usually one of the many, many plant nurseries around here). My cleaner, her DH and her DD have various health issues so the exact afternoons get changed around because of appointments etc. There is a gardener who comes twice a week, but his DM is very ill so he sometimes has to cancel at short notice.

The issue with Mum is that I know that they are all keeping her informed but she gets really pissed off that, from her point of view, people are simply failing to turn up with no notice. I need something that's visible, with the days of the week that various people can write in whether they expect to be there or not. It won't help with last minute cancellations but at least if they know ahead of time it's something that she can look at.

My absolute ideal would be something electronic that I could update remotely, but I expect that would be horribly expensive if it even exists. I could, in theory, set up a calendar on her iPad that I could access remotely, but she wouldn't ever look at it, it really needs to be a thing on a wall that she can see whenever she's in the room (in large writing because her eyesight is bad).