Needy, lonely, clingy elderly parent - help!

[DaisyDaisy777]

My mum is 85 years old and lives alone. She had a stroke about 2 years ago and is quite vulnerable and housebound, with short-term memory issues. I do all her practical stuff like medication, shopping, gardening etc but she is able to feed and wash herself.

Since my dad died she clings on to me desperately, calling me several times a day, wanting me to visit her every day and crying if I don't. She has no friends and refuses to see anyone apart from me and to go anywhere without me. It feels like she is sucking the life out of me, I dread the calls - she just cries, complains, guilt-trips and keeps telling me how much she wants to die. I feel so stressed and guilty all the time. She keeps telling me she how much she lives for my visits and phone calls. She needs me to spend much more time with her then what I can bear. I already visit her about 5 times per week.

My brother has nothing to do with her because she is so depressing, and he has blocked her number and not spoken or visited her for 2 years. So it's all down to me to fulfil her needs. It feels like my whole life is dominated by her sadness and neediness. I am in my fifties, work part-time and want to have my life back but feel like I'm being sucked into a unfillable black hole.

I have not had a week off for years - my brother refuses even to provide a day's respite for me, not even a phone call. He says he is not responsible for her and I could just walk away. It was easy for him to walk away, because he knew I was there and have a conscience. It's not so easy when you're the last man standing though - I can't just abandon her.

Can anyone relate and give me advice?

Well your brothers response is extreme but it’s worked for him
you can either do the same or similar or provide carers, respite or other things which can support your mum
your mothers demands are unrealistic and unsustainable

Could your DB help with financing some carers support
is she still in her own home?

I think you have to know your limits.
Eg you will visit twice a week and phone every evening.

If she can't cope within those limits then she may need to have external care visits or move into a residential home or go to a day centre or whatever.

Ask her GP to refer to the social prescriber.

Contact age concern as they may have volunteers to help.
Get carers in, don’t give her a choice, most folks get use to them and start enjoying having a carer as breaks up their day.

Get cameras up and ignore your phone, check she’s safe on the cameras and then ignore. You cannot keep up this level of care. Be firm!

You can contact the care coordinator at her doctors surgery. You are entitled to 8 weeks off a year and your mum will go into respite care. They pay something towards it. My late father didn't have much so it was a little over £100 ten years ago. My father who lived with me had a great time. The order of st John is a state group of homes.
Next make sure your brother knows your mum is putting too much pressure on you. I'm one of four but I did the lot as I was WFH (self employed and available). It nearly sodding killed me. By rights he shouldn't be there when the will is ready if he can't be arsed. Your mum might find a local day centre too. The send a bus round
I have to be honest the more money your mum has the easier it is to manage elderly parents Home instead is £25 an hour and they're usually ex nurses or military. That might be worth a try.

You can’t blame your brother for having boundaries, and it’s up to you to put boundaries in place too. Work out what you are able to do and what your limits are. Be clear with her what your limits are. If she can’t manage with the maximum you can offer, then she needs paid care. I do think at that point it would be reasonable to ask your brother to contribute financially, unless she is able to pay for it herself

You can’t blame your brother for having boundaries, and it’s up to you to put boundaries in place too. Work out what you are able to do and what your limits are. Be clear with her what your limits are. If she can’t manage with the maximum you can offer, then she needs paid care. I do think at that point it would be reasonable to ask your brother to contribute financially, unless she is able to pay for it her.

It’s so hard.
We got twice daily care visits arranged through a care plan. (self funded but not as expensive as I’d expected it to be)
They were deemed necessary to give medication because short term memory issues was making this very unreliable. The carers also make a sandwich and cup of tea and wash up. They will also sit and have a chat for a few minutes when all tasks are done.
The relief that there is someone going in annd they are getting company twice a day is worth every penny of the cost. It means I only go twice a week and don’t feel half as guilty.
Ask for a social care assessment.
Good luck.OP.

Social care assessment

I’m very much in the same boat as you, OP, but my issue is my 93 year old father.

I’m an only child- 59 years old with a full time job, husband, two grown up children and three grandchildren. My dad is very much like your mum - can wash and feed himself and lives independently but expects me to do everything else. He doesn’t give a toss about my other commitments - fully expecting that he should come first. I see him every day, after work, I do all his cleaning, shopping, admin, take him to medical appointments but it’s never enough. He complains about everything, has ridiculous health anxiety, he’s a belligerent racist, a misogynist who thinks as his daughter, it’s my duty to do what I do and it’s still never enough.

He wants to move in with me and my husband but I’ve put my foot down. I’ve told him if he needs more than I can provide then I’ll get him carers, but he won’t accept them.

I’ve done this day in and out for 10 years and I’m close to broken. My advice to you is step back. I wish I had years ago - my father deserves none that I provide and appreciates even less and I’ve wasted a huge chunk of my life on someone I can no longer stand to be around.

Do it now, whilst you still can. Don’t feel guilty. Otherwise you’ll end up totally trapped. Your brother had the right idea. I only wish I’d been stronger a long time ago and done the same.

It does sound as if you need to be a bit tougher. You can only give what you can.

Tell her that you can't give her what she needs and it's time to get other people in or she'll have to go into sheltered accommodation.

Tbh it might be the best option for her. I've never met someone who's went into one who hasnt loved it.

You don’t need to be a martyr here op. You need to say No. If you keep responding, she will keep asking, she won’t change op.

How was the relationship before the stroke, was she a good mum?
Your brother sounds absolutely vile to be honest- for leaving you to it never mind the way he’s deserted his mum (unless she was horrid).

My first thought is that it sounds, like many elderly people, she needs to speak to her GP about her low mood and start on antidepressants. This may help her improve just enough to accept the other help as suggested above.

Your brother sounds horrible. She’s your mother and 85 they tend to become childlike as they get older. It’s your time to look after her rather than abandon her like the rest of these posts are suggesting. Honestly mumsnet is really an awful place.

Thank you all for your replies, which are giving me a lot to think about.

To answer some of your questions, I have tried to get carers in before, but she absolutely refuses and has horrific, wailing tantrums if I persist. Similarly, she refuses any suggestions of a day centre.

I know I could just walk away like my brother, but the thought of her just sitting there alone on the sofa, crying or staring blankly into space is just too cruel. Since her stroke she seems to have lost any ability to entertain herself, won't read or watch TV etc. She says without me there it's like a living death.

She is on anti-depressants but refuses any counselling etc

Maybe try a befriending group/volunteer, if it’s only company she wants. If she needs care that’s different.
She may not be physically able to read or watch tv op, my nan couldn’t. Just couldn’t focus I don’t really know and she couldn’t articulate the reasons, I was early twenties and didn’t really grasp or understand why.

Your brother is neglectful, at the very least I’d contact social services and tell them I was walking away. Poor woman.

I would have strong words with your brother, she is his mother too and leaving you to do all the caring is wrong. Does she have any money? Is he likely to inherit? I hope not. Your mum is old and lonely, it's difficult, but can you get her into any clubs, etc. You're brother is a nasty piece of work, but nothing you can do about that really, but make sure he inherits nothing.

Phones can be turned off, recharging, in another room or out of power.

Not saying this is the case with OP but sometimes there is a reason why one sibling walks away from clingy parents. My sister was the golden princess and I the black sheep when we were younger. She inherited 3/4 of the estate because of my decision to be childfree. After that I moved to another city and a job which often took me abroad. I dropped the rope where my mother was concerned. My sister had been the golden princess and subsequently became the golden carer. Fortunately there were no smart phones back then and I have never made communication easy.

She was always difficult, strange and vulnerable, even when I was a child. She always seemed like someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - massive fear of abandonment etc. Now her son has done what she has always feared most. And thank you for calling my brother out for what he's done. Everyone else seems to think it's fine, to the point that I was doubting the validity of my sense of betrayal and hurt.

Blimey, that's a lot. I feel for you. Could you lie and say your hours have increased at work? You do a few full days? I can't see you have many options that aren't going to upset her. Could you get a gardener, food shopping delivery to take a bit off you and so she possibly interacts with other people? What an awful situation. I think I would tell her it's too much and see her less. What do you do when you're together? Don't you get a bit bored of each other? Kindest wishes to you.

@DaisyDaisy777 Your brother has dumped you right in it. I have a great relationship with my mum so the situation in which you find yourself is a little alien to me (I do moan about my DM at times, don’t get me wrong!).
I’d attempt to talk to her G.P and social services from there, they were invaluable with dealing with my aunt, they talked her around and she listened to them. Eventually and likely soon your DM will require additional care, you need to be firm in what you can and cannot provide. SS will let you get on with it if you aren’t explicit. You deserve a life too, so just look after yourself as well. Get the ball rolling as her health won’t improve from here.

Can you find a cleaner, who needs a job, so your mum will be doing her a favour by giving her a job.
ypu may need to be there at the same time for a few weeks, but then the cleaner won’t be a stranger, and will make a huge difference.

I think you may have to just ignore the tantrums and be much harder, I can’t do that mum, and you won’t let Sally do it, so you will have to think of another plan.

i think you need to choose guilt or resentment. There is much advice about guilt being the best one . It’s okay to let her struggle, you have our permission to do this.

If your mother was difficult while you were children it's understandable that your brother does not want to waste any more of his life dealing with her shit behaviour. Your brother had put bounderies in place and you need to take a leaf out of his book if you want to reclaim your life. Your mother needs to accept outside help, she is being very unfair to you.

Ah I'm sorry, op. This sounds really hard for you and your mum but you need to decide what you are able to provide and stick to that. Your brother is being absolutely shit and it's really unfair that this is all falling to you. I completely disagree with PP saying that you can't blame your brother for having boundaries, given that knowing that you are there is the thing that has enabled him to do this. But you also need to have boundaries and not do more than you are able. Agree with pp that if your brother won't help then he ought to contribute towards paid care.

God, old age can be shit.