Needy, lonely, clingy elderly parent - help!

[DaisyDaisy777]

My mum is 85 years old and lives alone. She had a stroke about 2 years ago and is quite vulnerable and housebound, with short-term memory issues. I do all her practical stuff like medication, shopping, gardening etc but she is able to feed and wash herself.

Since my dad died she clings on to me desperately, calling me several times a day, wanting me to visit her every day and crying if I don't. She has no friends and refuses to see anyone apart from me and to go anywhere without me. It feels like she is sucking the life out of me, I dread the calls - she just cries, complains, guilt-trips and keeps telling me how much she wants to die. I feel so stressed and guilty all the time. She keeps telling me she how much she lives for my visits and phone calls. She needs me to spend much more time with her then what I can bear. I already visit her about 5 times per week.

My brother has nothing to do with her because she is so depressing, and he has blocked her number and not spoken or visited her for 2 years. So it's all down to me to fulfil her needs. It feels like my whole life is dominated by her sadness and neediness. I am in my fifties, work part-time and want to have my life back but feel like I'm being sucked into a unfillable black hole.

I have not had a week off for years - my brother refuses even to provide a day's respite for me, not even a phone call. He says he is not responsible for her and I could just walk away. It was easy for him to walk away, because he knew I was there and have a conscience. It's not so easy when you're the last man standing though - I can't just abandon her.

Can anyone relate and give me advice?

Why can't you "abandon" her, OP? Or at least dial it back. Agree to visit her once a week, with possibly phone input on one other say. Don't answer the phone every time she calls. That's still doing plenty, and a huge amount more than many people are willing or able to provide.
Help your mother to investigate carers or voluntary services, or contact Social Services for help.
Your brother has the right idea.... your mother is not your responsibility. So it's up to you to put in some boundaries - please don't let her ruin your life.

What about a local stroke support group? You can ask the gp surgery if they know of one locally, might get her started going out and about x

I’ve read your updates OP. What an awful situation for you. Did your DPs have anything in writing about the loan to your “D”B?

I would email your DM’s medical practice.

State very clearly that you do not want to know anything, unless of course you have POA and are legally entitled to know, but make it plain that you are worried about her health, that you think she has depression and talks about wanting to die , is crying for long periods and regularly and you “want to avoid a Hospital admission”. That is the important phrase.

I’ve done similar with a few relatives and always it’s resulted in the GP asking to see the Old Person, doing a medication review and in a couple of cases doing a health check and a referral to the Social Prescriber.

The GP will not want your DM deteriorating to the point of being admitted unnecessarily and your « D » M is much more likely to listen to the GP than you.

You can contact a GP. My mum did it for a friend of hers and they called round to see the friend. It wasn't that long ago, since covid, so wasn't years ago when home visits were a far more regular thing.