Needy, lonely, clingy elderly parent - help!

[DaisyDaisy777]

My mum is 85 years old and lives alone. She had a stroke about 2 years ago and is quite vulnerable and housebound, with short-term memory issues. I do all her practical stuff like medication, shopping, gardening etc but she is able to feed and wash herself.

Since my dad died she clings on to me desperately, calling me several times a day, wanting me to visit her every day and crying if I don't. She has no friends and refuses to see anyone apart from me and to go anywhere without me. It feels like she is sucking the life out of me, I dread the calls - she just cries, complains, guilt-trips and keeps telling me how much she wants to die. I feel so stressed and guilty all the time. She keeps telling me she how much she lives for my visits and phone calls. She needs me to spend much more time with her then what I can bear. I already visit her about 5 times per week.

My brother has nothing to do with her because she is so depressing, and he has blocked her number and not spoken or visited her for 2 years. So it's all down to me to fulfil her needs. It feels like my whole life is dominated by her sadness and neediness. I am in my fifties, work part-time and want to have my life back but feel like I'm being sucked into a unfillable black hole.

I have not had a week off for years - my brother refuses even to provide a day's respite for me, not even a phone call. He says he is not responsible for her and I could just walk away. It was easy for him to walk away, because he knew I was there and have a conscience. It's not so easy when you're the last man standing though - I can't just abandon her.

Can anyone relate and give me advice?

@DaisyDaisy777 , yes I can relate my dear brother left looking after my ailing parents to me too. After my mum died my dad came to live with me, he had his own room and my husband insisted that he only join us in the evening. You might actually find this easier because you wouldn’t be out of your own home.
Have you registered with your GP as your mother’s carer? I got a lot of help once I did this and I would highly recommend doing so. I really feel for you, caring for my parents ate years of my life and it’s exhausting.

both my mum and uncle refused carers. didnt fancy them. “why can’t you do it instead of strangers” because i’m bloody knackered that’s why. (stand firm or youll get used to the point of exhaustion).

so i got them in via the council. the only sticking point was getting her to agree in front of the council assessor guy. the key for me was to say “i will be there when they come too so they will help me look after things for you” and that helped sway her.

plan to be there until the elderly person starts liking them. then you can let them crack on without you. so plan on being there daily for three or four days twice a day or whatever the council say is required, til shes ok with them and they are no longer “strangers”. it’s generally the same girls here. they work shifts and come roughly the sametime daily so it can take a while to meet them all.

i'm in scotland so we have a slightly different benefits system but contact citizens advice to complete the paperwork for benefits and a blue badge if required.

if you have to be manipulative to get her agreeing to this say “ive hurt my back and cant do anything so im getting a cleaner in” she might be less resistant. a cleaner soumds less scary than a carer. i would stop doing stuff a few days before the council come out to assess her so she gets the feeling of stuff needs done and i need help. if she’s reluctant tell her “i will be there too and if the staff aren't nice we will send them away”.

once the attendance allowance is sorted there will be plenty money to pay a cleaner.

once people get old they start becoming babies again in many ways; they want what they want and they dont realise all the impacts on others or that they are beimg selfish. they dont really care. so like mums hearing “i want that cereal” because a kids character is on the front and mum knowing they dont like that cereal so it’s not happening, now you have to negotiate the way forward, listening to her opinions, but like a mum and baby you have to override the impractical thoughts and do whats in her best interests.

a medical appointment with her doctor might be helpful too to check what all’s going on as it sounds like she needs medicated to feel calm and happy instead of crying so much. that will help her worry less about carers too.

your brother is horrible. i hope the Will reflects his absence.

Maybe he has, we just don’t know all the facts and background do we. People distance themselves from parents or cut off family members for very good reasons, and it’s impossible for us to know the full story here. The brother may have been left with no choice.

I was in exactly the same boat as you, OP, although my mum wasn't as difficult in all fairness. My darling siblings fucked off the minute that she needed care and it was all left to me. I had carers coming in every day for her and she learned to accept and like them, that's the massive difference. I agree with the others upthread who say that you'll have to be manipulative to get her to accept outside help, or tell her that you'll be stepping back. And mean it. Easier said than done I know. Good luck.

OP, can you imagine any decent parent that cared about their child expecting their child’s life to be altered like this. I have already had the conversation with my acult children and they will not be caring for me like this. They have told me that they will organise care ( which is a big enough job) but not do the care themselves. No they won’t be visiting all the time. They have lives to live.

Have you thought about lunch clubs etc.My mother was very anti going to a stroke club but in fact she loved it. If she is nervous about going on her own perhaps you could go with her the first couple of times.
Are adult social care involved as they may be able to help. Could she afford a carer to come and sit with her?
There are also voluntary organisations that may be able to help.

Bet he hasnt and bet Mum hasnt excluded him either. She might have planned to and 'never got round to it'.

Older people can be very sneaky and I dont use that word lightly. For all their confusion, fussiness etc they still see able to get their own way leaving often a daughter on their knees with it all.

I was lucky in that I sorted out the will and my siblings left me to it. They didnt question anything I did. They lived abroad and I guess that made a difference.

My solicitor who assisted in helping me to fill in the relevant probate forms said I was lucky. A lot of siblings do fxxk all during old person's life and then pop up when money is involved. I didnt have that and in fact at the begininng of the probate I asked siblings whether they wanted a weekly/monthly call with a spreadsheet to track spend (I wasnt going to put any spend on less than £100 and I told them that!) but they said they trusted me to do the right thing. And I did.

Has your mum been seen by her GP / Elderly Care consultant regarding her depressed mood. Expressing wanting to die, is an extreame emotion. She does sound depressed, and sometimes medication can really help.

She has obviously never been even a barely adequate mother to you and your brother, even when you were children.

Your brother's response is perfectly reasonable given her past and current behaviour. She sounds entirely self-centred and the behaviour you describe with the wailing tantrums if you suggest any sort of outside help, is totally unreasonable.

Your brother has managed to escape from the prison that is the relationship with your mum so he won't be going back.

She is ruining your life and you are letting her. If you stepped right back like your brother has, she would have to accept help from external agencies. You don't need to cut her off completely but you can set some boundaries and stick to them.

OP has explained that her mother was a shit mum, even when she and her brother were children.

I'm sure that if OP just abandoned her mother to outside agencies, her brother would be fine with it. There is no indication that he expects OP to care for their mum. It is her choice to do so as she would feel too guilty not to help her. Neither OP or her brother are under any obligation to pay for their mother's care.

Old age can be shit, but getting old isn't a 'get out of jail free' card for shit parents who gave their kids a dreadful childhood but expect these adult children to devote their lives to caring for these awful parents.

OP-I have sympathy with you but also with your brother. I am facing a similar dilemma as my DM does not want to be alone but refuses any paid carers and won't even consider going to any sort of social group, moving to assisted living or even allowing 'befriender' volunteers to visit her. It's really hard because obviously you don't want your mum to be alone when she's clearly vulnerable and scared but at the same time it's not fair to expect you to sacrifice your own life. I've had to come to the conclusion that I will offer Mum options to meet her need for company/practical help and it's her right to decline them if she wants to. However, it's also my right to decide how much I am willing to do myself and if she is lonely because she refuses all other help that is a consequence of her decision, not mine. I know that sounds harsh, but I have learned the hard way that if I don't take a fairly firm line me doing everything is seen as the easy option (by DM and other family members). I can see that if I don't take a step back now so that she has to accept some other help it won't be long before I get to breaking point and feel I need to either stop helping completely or become ill myself.

Just awful. I’m so sorry.

If I’m completely honest I’d be moving straight to a residential home. It is completely obvious that your mum would do as well as she is capable of doing in a decent one (I’m not going to say she’d be happy as I do t think that’s achievable.) However, I doubt you are going to get her there. I might look around for the right one though.

A lot depends on what financial resources there are and whether you have access to them.

i would prioritise taking her to her GP, being brutally honest and seeing what they can do. It looks like a textbook case for antidepressants from the outside but I’m not a doctor. Also ask if they have a social prescriber or a frailty practitioner that the doctor can refer to. You need to get comfortable with saying this stuff in front of your Mum; if you can’t, write a brief note and pass it to them. Have a Google to see what might be available from the practice.

Id also call Age UK and see what they advise. I’d certainly try a befriending service or a day centre. I’d have to go with her several times though.

Im afraid I’d let go of your brother. He had his own experience with your mother and has done what he feels able to do. Don’t hate him for it.

OP your mother sounds awful and you sound like a martyr, why not distance yourself a bit.
Your brothers not responsible for your mother and let's be honest she seems like no matter what you both do it wouldn't be enough. Sit down and decide what you're willing to do and stick to it

I don’t know for definite that I have I just strongly suspect it. It’s weird that I was the go to for most of my life up until just after my father died (I am the eldest and certainly more capable, organised and intelligent than my DSIS).

All of a sudden all of my efforts and offers were being rebuffed with they can just do it, she’s going to do it, they’ll do it, well she said she will, I’ll just let them do it. For the last two mothers days I offered to pick my DM up and take her out for lunch, coffee and cake ot come round to ours (she doesn’t eat much). She has said she had no plans when I asked her and just says she will see or she will let me know so I can’t even book or confirm anything. Then she mentions it to my DSIS and suddenly the day before or on the day she tells me she’ll just leave it thanks she is just going to go out with DSIS and niece (no offers for me to join them) and has let slip that DSIS just asked her yesterday or this week. One year I said thats nice do you mind if I come along too. Then I was met with well its not really up to me and I am not sure where we are going, if pushed she’ll say well the thing is niece feels uncomfortable when you are there so she just wants it to be her mum and me.

Thank you for your very insightful comment. I think her capacity is ambiguous and fluctuating. I am worried this might be the start of some kind of dementia, maybe related to the stroke. And the stroke has definitely affected her sight, mood and ability to focus and plan. Unsurprisingly she refuses to have any kind of assessment though.

I don't think I'm being hard on him. He was adored by our DM. I don't want this thread to be all about my brother, but he 'borrowed' a large amount of money of my parents when DF was alive, and never paid them back, so was partly responsible for them having to re-mortgage their house, so DM still has to pay a mortgage in her 80s and struggles financially.

I do agree with you about me propping her up though - it does mean she has no idea how much she actually needs a carer.

Thank you. You are absolutely right - she is completely isolated, bored and needs a life of her own - I am literally the only person she sees. She keeps complaining about her loneliness but every time I suggest anything it gets thrown back in my face. She says she is embarrassed to be seen since her stroke as it has affected her speech and mobility.

@DaisyDaisy777 can we just take both your brother and your Mum completely out of the equation.

This, for you, is about what you can live with, after your Mum dies.

Nothing you have said is unreasonable, at all.

That your brother has decided to walk away and your Mum continues to make you feel guilty, is something, for you, to think about.

They are coping in their own ways which is pressurising you, because you obviously care for your Mum, under very difficult circumstances.

It's totally understandable that you feel resentment because you have the sole responsibility for her and, it is, indeed, a heavy burden to bear @DaisyDaisy777

Purely for your future well-being and without any feelings of recrimination or guilt, could you adapt the current "expectations" that both you and your Mum place on you, which will enable you to still support her but without draining yourself dry?

I have tried to get carers in before, but she absolutely refuses and has horrific, wailing tantrums if I persist. Similarly, she refuses any suggestions of a day centre

Yes, i'm afraid I expected this, @DaisyDaisy777 - it's the usual technique to make sure you, and only you keep running

As PPs have said, the only realistic option is to maintain boundaries, weather the tantrums and sudden "health emergencies" and accept that nobody can have everything they want all the time
Perhaps if you point out that the only realistic alternative is residential care she might consider carers the lesser evil?

Has she had/considered some speech therapy and physio? Would/could she pay for some private input? Do you think you could try some of the Stroke Association’s online exercise and speech groups with her in the room at least? There really is some helpful provision out there. Tbh her low mood is going to make it quite difficult for her to try any of these things which is why I think her GP needs to be the first call, but do look at the Stroke Association website. It’s true that they may not fix very much but even a small improvement can make a difference, and joining in with other people who are feeling different in public can help people be brave about doing more.

OP you can keep an eye on her but without so much visiting. I’ve got mine down to seeing her a few times a year and a weekly phone call (I’m working on getting that down to 2-3 phone calls a month). She doesn’t like it, but it’s done wonders for my sanity.

I can manage finances from a distance. And she’s had to get a cleaner, gardener etc.

My mum was exactly the same. Honestly we could be talking about the same woman. Myself and my brother ended up having to be really strict about visits and phone calls. It’s so hard, I mean really REALLY hard to do it but for your own sake you need to have some lines drawn. We spent weeks crying feeling guilty and that we’d betrayed her but slowly she started to accept that we wouldn’t be at her beck and call. She accepted allowing others to help out. I really do feel for you x

Your mother must be aware she’s being selfish. I’m not saying it’s easy but what your brother has done is not just an ‘boundary’ but outright cruel. I’m sure he won’t be looking for any inheritance one day. I second a local day care centre but first, is it worth getting a doctor to check her dose of antidepressants? I’m so sorry for you op it’s just awful.

It is really, really common to be depressed after a stroke, plus she’s been bereaved, plus it sounds as if she had quite a fragile personality before all this. I dont say this to try and rack up the guilt, but to encourage you to focus any energy remaining on getting a medical review and trying to implement the outcome (ie get her to take her medication, or by some miracle to agree to greater support). As a therapist working with people post stroke, you will be stuck if there is no way to tackle the depression.

I have cut off my mother. She's not at the age where she needs help but she's getting there. From the surface it would look like I had a close relationship with her growing up. I used to idolize her. But as I got older and started making real loving connections I understood just how fake it was. I was being used and given all the burden while my brothers did their own thing with impunity.

I started trauma therapy and decided I wanted out. She stole my childhood by making me her best friend and stand-in spouse. I mediated between her and my father and then her and her second husband. I was "her only friend" when I was 13. And from the outside, we still looked so close. It seemed like she really loved me and doted on me but it was all a lie so she would have a high-earning daughter to take care of her financially, physically, and emotionally.

So I'm taking back what's left of my life. My oldest brother is the only one still around her and what he does about it is his business. He feels a sense of obligation and he was the actual favorite from what I can tell so he will probably stick around. If he leaves her too then she will be alone in the end. I have no sympathy left for her. She can die alone for all I care.

All that to say that your perspective of their relationship may be very wrong, OP. My siblings had no idea what I went through. She saved all the worst parts for me. I made my decision and I expect him to do the same. He is responsible for the decision he makes.