Needy, lonely, clingy elderly parent - help!

[DaisyDaisy777]

My mum is 85 years old and lives alone. She had a stroke about 2 years ago and is quite vulnerable and housebound, with short-term memory issues. I do all her practical stuff like medication, shopping, gardening etc but she is able to feed and wash herself.

Since my dad died she clings on to me desperately, calling me several times a day, wanting me to visit her every day and crying if I don't. She has no friends and refuses to see anyone apart from me and to go anywhere without me. It feels like she is sucking the life out of me, I dread the calls - she just cries, complains, guilt-trips and keeps telling me how much she wants to die. I feel so stressed and guilty all the time. She keeps telling me she how much she lives for my visits and phone calls. She needs me to spend much more time with her then what I can bear. I already visit her about 5 times per week.

My brother has nothing to do with her because she is so depressing, and he has blocked her number and not spoken or visited her for 2 years. So it's all down to me to fulfil her needs. It feels like my whole life is dominated by her sadness and neediness. I am in my fifties, work part-time and want to have my life back but feel like I'm being sucked into a unfillable black hole.

I have not had a week off for years - my brother refuses even to provide a day's respite for me, not even a phone call. He says he is not responsible for her and I could just walk away. It was easy for him to walk away, because he knew I was there and have a conscience. It's not so easy when you're the last man standing though - I can't just abandon her.

Can anyone relate and give me advice?

She hasn't 'enabled' him to go no contact. If OP's mother was childfree she would have no choice but to get outside help. It's up to OP what level of involvement she wants to have.

Your first sentence is a complete (deliberate?) misreading- I did not say that she had enabled him but that his knowledge has enabled him- ie he has decided to step back because he knows she is there. Second sentence is right and echoes what I have said

He's decided to step back because his mother is toxic and has been toxic for their entire lives. He has told OP to do the same so he clearly doesn't care if she goes into a home or has to get carers in and why should he care? It sounds like whatever either of them do will never be good enough.

I'd see her GP and ask for the GP to tell your Mum what needs to change. When my Mums GP did this, Mum listened

It’s impossible to see a parents GP. I have tried. It’s hard enough to get an appointment for myself.

Perhaps it depends on the surgery? My parents GP surgery was very accommodating

Your brother sounds like a selfish git. It's so easy to have 'boundaries' when you know some other poor fucker is going to pick up the pieces. Shame on him. He should at the very least be trying to help you find alternative ways to support her.

I really feel for you. I care for my Mum, but it's nowhere near these levels. It sounds completely unsustainable.
I do wonder, if she is already as sad and depressed as you've described, that perhaps she can't really feel any worse. So if you're unable to do more for her, maybe it won't actually hurt her if you do less - does that make sense?

It's so hard. But you deserve a break, even if only occasionally, for your own sanity. If she needs company or someone to talk to, maybe see if there is a volunteering service near you that offers this, and the days that they call/visit can be your days off.

I think above all else, it will take some serious resolve on your part to make the decision to step back a little. If things stay as they are and you burn out from her excessive demands, she will have nobody. So perhaps try to think of it as taking care of yourself, in order to help her.

Oh my goodness. I can relate. Similar situation but I am in my 60s and am still
the breadwinner with adult children at home. Mum is same but doesn’t ‘understand’ my need to be at work. I feel dreadfully guilty all the time.

Why don’t you get a live in carer

You need to set boundaries.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace is the book you need

Fwiw, I think given her history and personality type you may need to interact with her as you would someone with a personality disorder. Boundaries that are consistent through attempts of manipulation, recognition of needs and emotions but not necessarily meeting them all yourself (you can't possibly) and being kind to yourself throughout it all. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Does your mum have full capacity? If so, she can make unwise decisions e.g refusing carers or therapy etc. That is HER decision, you do not need to feel guilty for having a limit/boundary & and sticking to it and it is not up to you to be the fall back person for her unwise decisions. I completely do not agree with pp about just organising carers and putting up cameras, thats a significant intrusion into your mums privacy and completely ignoring her mental capacity/autonomy/right to choice/consequences for decisions. At the moment she has no consequence for any unwise decision as you are the cushion, and she knows you will be.

It's hard to think of our parents as being manipulative, especially when they are older and more physically frail. Many people feel a duty to care in some way shape or form. She will get comfort in you, as a daughter, but also as someone she knows what buttons to press. She cannot do that with people she doesn't know e.g carers.

Start by setting small achievable boundaries, you need to feel comfortable with that as much as she does and gradually you may become comfortable to set different more meaningful boundaries in terms of your own self care. E.g you will not be answering your phone between 5pm-7pm every evening just for instance. If she needs a timetable up on the wall do this. You can both love and care for your mum, whilst not wanting to spend every day demonstrating this, and that's ok......and normal!!! Give her a set of numbers she can ring when you are not available (boundaries, keep times/days consistent and stick to it) e.g age UK silver line, Samaritans etc.

For you:
Local authority carers assessment

One separate point to not.

-Older people can sometimes present like this or families notice it more in the early stages of cognitive decline/dementia. Might be worth a quick screen for this (look up 6cit, you could do this yourself if she doesn't engage with health professionals)
-strokes often = depression, often chronic, personality changes, concentration issues (e.g no longer read or watch TV) sight or depth perception changes etc. stroke association or if she's still under a specialist their team might review in light of ongoing low mood, if not gp if you think it would be of any benefit.

I don't think your brother comes into this, he's made his position known.

I think you have to cut down your visits for your own health, sanity and for the sake of your own family.

Can you contact Age Concern and ask their advice about applying for Carers and or Attendance Allowance for your mum (I can’t remember which is which). You can then insist she uses the additional money for a cleaner, helper, companion or whatever and gradually scale back your visits (to ease your mental load and responsibilities). That way when you visit it is as a daughter not a worn out personal assistant.

My DM is the same age and is awkward, guilt trips and plays favourites and the martyr. I did a lot for her and my Father but since he died I have now been totally replaced and sidelined by my DSIS and niece. If I offer to do anything at all for her I am told no they will do it, just leave it and just let them do it. I am sure it is a cunning plan/manoeuvre and I have been cut out of the will/any inheritance. I have tried to do my share and been totally rebuffed so now I just visit on my terms and try not to feel guilty and just let them get on with it for my sanity.

If I had been cut out of the will, I wouldn’t be visiting st all. That’s appalling. I also wouldn’t be speaking to my sister again either.

@DaisyDaisy777 absolutely feel for you. Sadly it is a very familiar slippery slope we end up on. Little bits of help here and there and then wham you realise it has consumed your life.

I do think a Social Services referral is sensible. I will caveat that by saying I organised one for my mother who sounds incredibly similar, but she refused to let them in. As she was/is deemed to have capacity I cannot invoke the LPoA for health so I had to step back as her behaviour was making me ill. Think me buying and putting together lovely food and her getting a buzz by telling me she had thrown it all in the refuse. Breaking things on purpose.

Anyhow I would advise you to join us over at the Cafe. It is a great place to vent.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5474948-cockroach-cafe-spring-in-autumn?page=39

You don’t need to walk away - it’s not all or nothing. You can limit the number of visits that you make though. You can also limit the calls you take from her. I’d suggest visiting every 3rd day and staying for half an hour max each visit, perhaps a longer on at the weekend if you do housework for her. Put your phone on voicemail permanently so she can leave messages but you can choose to answer it. It will be hard, she will be upset but you will gain back some degree of control.

You need some emotional support OP and to talk to people who get it. Have you contacted your local carers centre? https://carers.org/ These are to support unpaid family carers and there will be people there who have gone through/are going through exactly what you are

I think the OP has come down hard on her brother. He hasn’t had a good mother and he is doing what works for him and his family.
OP, I think you should become less available. If things fail then your mother will have to get carers in. You really shouldn’t give in to your mother. You propping her up means that she doesn’t get carers in. Perhaps in the long term you are not doing her any favours.

You cannot see a persons GP to discuss them without their consent or POA. If you mention something to a GP then they will not react to you but might bring it up with their patient when they see them.

Yes that’s correct.

Can you see if theres a befriender service locally.

What about local womans groups, your library probably has a lot on she could join in.

She could still be useful at volunteering, theres a lady of 82 who comes out volunteering at our local park.

She sounds incredibly isolated. Pills arent going to fix that. She needs a life and several small communities to be part of.

What about a local community cafe, normally a free lunch for people short of cash or company, these are normally run by warm and welcoming people.

She needs a life of her own.

I dont think you should abandon her. Not for her sake but your own. She will pass away in next 10 years most likely. For your future self, I doubt you will be content knowing you walked away from her, it will probs be a weight of regret you will carry as you sound like a kind and considerate person. Do whats best for your future self is what i mean.

I totally agree with this approach. I’ve had to do similar to protect myself and I’m glad I did because my “D”M is now in her nineties.

It definitely isn’t all or nothing.

Does your DM currently have cognition? I f so she can make decisions like not going to a Day Centre but you don’t automatically have to provide company instead. It’s hard to see your P unhappy, and you’ve probably had years of being manipulated by her to do her bidding. It doesn’t mean that you still have to be in that role though. I’d suggest getting yourself registered as a Carer with your GP and having some Counselling yourself.

If she has already been prescribed ADs, is she taking them? I see that you say you do medication. Have you set up a delivery from the Chemist and does she have all medication delivered in a Dosset box? If not, I would prioritise getting this sorted as there may be a waiting list to access this service. She might improve if she isn’t currently having her medication regularly and then starts.

Someone mentioned Sheltered accommodation. Have you already spoken to your DM about making this move? My DM is in a Care Plus village and does love it. Plus I know that if she is ill or falls, she can pull the cord and the Carers will deal with her, if they can. I haven’t been called at night by them yet anyway.

Does your DM also get Attendance Allowance? If not, I’d make this your next priority.

Also tell your DM that you’re going away. Whether or not you use the time to actually go on holiday is up to you, but tell her when you’re going, tell her you won’t be contactable and ask her what she wants to do in that week. Does she want to go to respite, see her DFriends or gave someone else come in?

You clearly have no idea what this situation is like. The parents/parents want YOU. No one else will do, they dont want 'strangers' and as long as you carry on doing everything it will continue.

Tend to become childlike - dont bloody make me laugh! They lie, they claim they dont have any money, dont like strangers, they will often say anything to get you to do it the way they want.

I had boundaries. DF was in a care home, DM was living on her own, didnt want to join clubs, never had people around for a coffee. She had lived on her own for years and became very self absorbed. Her needs were the only ones that she considered. Then she became confused and very anxious about letters coming and life admin was just too much for her. I took over all of that including getting her post delivered to me. It got worse and then she fell and broke her hip. Still insisting she was Ok and had no plans for her old age.

Siblings were useless and living abroad. Only the odd phone call from favourite child but she still treated him like a living god.

She then started panicking about all sorts of things, called me a lot. It was clearly she was covering up how she was managing. When she fell she wasnt wearing her fall pendant. I could go on but you get the message - she was of course allowed to live as she chose but the consequences of her choices were always mine.

She once said to me that if she couldnt call me for help who could she call??

I disagree, I think the brother is being very selfish as his boundary has a massive impact on his sister. Unless of course he’s given up his inheritance….

Is there money?
Could you pay someone to go round and ‘clean’ ,tidy the garden, take her out to the shops once a week, clean the windows -and also ask them to stay for a cuppa )you pay for their time)
this generation can’t seem to agree to pay for stuff like this
tighten up POA, will and finances first -tell them you have cameras in the house.
my DM had a dog walker call round daily, neighbour popped in -there doesn’t have to be much

I hope the OP starts the ball rolling. I posted up thread about the respite and I agree attendance allowance will help with care costs
My dad had a cleaner first. That was acceptable.

Fwiw I have a form of PTSD from caring. I read these stories and it really makes me anxious. I would never recommend any parent moves in with the mature adult DC. I was on my knees. I've seen it cause the breakdown of many a marriage. My caring started at 5am and ended at 11pm. I couldn't leave my DF. He would cry. He had COPD but only age related ill health.
I became alcohol dependent and at one point needed counseling. My siblings were selfish and never helped. My sister and I don't speak as she thinks I spent his money (watch that one!). He didn't have any but I had to turn down work to look after him. It cost me hundreds of thousands, a care home would have been cheaper.
I'm now in poor health myself and I would never expect anything from my DC. I'm going into a home when needed.

I am in the same situation OP . I have reduced my contact to one short visit a week . My mum is quite toxic though so an easy decision. She also has not a single sole left , no friends , her life now is of her own making and a lifetime of alienating people has lead to where she is now .That was her choice , not mine and I’m not going to ruin my life plugging the gaps . If she had been a better mother than maybe but I don’t feel I owe her anything .