Can anyone explain stubborness to help themselves/make life easier

[mysparkleismissing]

My parents are approaching their late 80s and are in reasonable health (really - no major diagnosis)

Dad is struggling with his mobility and really struggles to get in and out of a chair, can't walk any kind of distance (might need to sit down due to pain after a 5 minute walk) waiting on xrays on his back and neck which is where the issues are, knees are also an issue he's had one cleaned (he should have a replacement but has refused)

he wont take the (decent) painkillers he's been offered and is just taking paracetamol occassionally

he refuses to consider get a rising chair to help at home, wont use a stick and wont even consider getting a mobility scooter.

he's up many times a night (every hour or so) for the toilet - he's tried surgery to fix this but it hasn't worked. he sleeps for a few hours each afternoon but it's not enough as a good night's sleep.

i'm the youngest of their kids (we're all adults) and we've tried talking to him to encourage him to do things to help himself but he refuses. he is the most stubborn of people and is just annoying!

my sister changed tactic and asked him WHY he wont look into helping himself - and he didn't have an answer

anyone been in this situation - I just dont get it.... wondering if someone out there has an insight we've not thought of

The antipathy to taxis has distressed me a lot at times. I remember my aunt L who was ‘recovering’ from cancer herself (it killed her a few years later) taking two buses each way every day to visit my uncle T in the mental health unit. I thought it was a financial decision. But after a few too many stories over the past twenty years of rapists, groomers and killers who use taxi driving as an easy way to get women and girls into their cars, I judge a bit less tbh. Though I do still use taxis myself and certainly would if unable to drive, for as long as I could afford it.

Do you know all of these details about his infirmities because he's told you or from observation or because your mother has complained?

If it's because he tells you all about it, tell him you have no interest in any of it, and all you want to hear is what he intends to do to solve his problems.

If it's because your mother has been putting up with a greatly diminished quality of life because he needs a lot of help from her and they can't go out much, then it might be an idea to get him to his doctor to at least have a prostate exam. Or it needs to be pointed out to him in no uncertain terms that he is being extremely selfish.

I am nodding my head at those who managed to get attendance allowance for their DPs only for them to refuse to use it on a cleaner to make everyone’s lives easier. DM only agreed once bed bound, and even then only once a week for too short a period of time, only agreeing to extend when desperate.

My past year has been a misery as every sensible suggestion I make is poo pooed and then finally agreed to when it’s much too late to be the solution. They can’t wash at home properly because they refused to get a wet room in a couple of years ago- apparently DM was worried it would reduce the value of the property ( if you could see the state of their house you’d know how ridiculous this is).

Even now finally DH has got them to agree to go into a home, but because they waited so long to agree it looks like we’re going to be doing continuous mercy shuttles up and down the hour each way for the next 30-40 days ( once I get a specific date I will start counting properly) until they are safely installed.

I am so fed up with it all - their desire to retain their own autonomy has severely diminished mine.

@Orangesandlemons77 we solved the pain one by being extremely blunt. DH and DS are well aware that they won’t get sympathy or support unless they’ve done some basic self care- medication. DM knows that the reason she’s got x, y or z is because she won’t take the meds. She’s a bugger for it, not finishing ABs etc. When whatever it is flares up I remind her it’s because she didn’t take the meds.
When she supposed to be taking them I remind her it’s important if she doesn’t want it to come back, and that the Doctor won’t be able to work out what to do next if she hasn’t been taking them.

I’m not convinced it helps but it relieves a little frustration 😅

Oh yes and taxis - apparently it’s better Maths to expect us to give up our jobs and drive DF to the supermarket ( an hour each way for us) when he fancies a trip out rather than him paying £12 ( gasp, shock, horror) on a taxi.
To be fair it’s because his executive functioning isn’t working so well anymore and at the minute it’s unsure if he will ever make it to a shop again.

Or the Attendance Allowance being paid into an ISA each month. Rather than spent on a cleaner, or taxis or something that would help.