Concerned about Dad's cleaner, am I overreacting

[Wayoutwestie]

Long time lurker, first time posting here.
My dad is 89, lives alone, recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. I'm an only child, mum died in 2022 and things have been getting more and more difficult since then. Similar story to many others on here, dad is very stubborn, refuses any carers and DH and I find ourselves doing more and more for him while still trying to have a life of our own. He does have a weekly cleaner and a gardener ( a friend of DH so trust him completely).
He has had the cleaner for about a year, previous one had been there since mum was alive and was great, would always call me if she had any concerns about either of them, she retired Dec2024. I found the current cleaner after asking around a few people and she has always seemed pleasant, dad really likes her which is very unusual for him with anybody. I've messaged her a few times asking if she could clean a certain area etc and she has replied but never heard anything from her otherwise. Dad pays her in cash which I draw out of the bank for him.
We called round to see dad today, it was his birthday a couple of weeks ago and my son had sent him a large box of assorted chocolates worth around £30. Dad had commented to us last week that it was a lot of chocolate, DH had looked through and most of the bb dates were next october so we said he had plenty of time to eat it all and thought no more of it.
Today DH was sorting his recycling and noticed the empty box, we asked what had happened and at first he said he had eaten it all, we pressed him further and he said he had given it all to the cleaner. I was shocked so messaged her straight away saying it was a birthday present (she would have known this as one of the bars said Happy Birthday'). She replied that yes, he had given it to her, she did think of contacting me but he told her not to so she just took it.

I really don't know what to think, was it an honest mistake or is she untrustworthy. DH thinks I should sack her but I'm inclined to give her a chance. I'd appreciate some other points of view.

Perhaps he didn’t really want it? His comment about it being a lot of chocolate suggests that maybe he was a bit worried about it getting through it or didn’t really want that much of it. My dad gets sent a huge supply of chocolate from a relative every Christmas but he barely eats chocolate and gives it all away.

I definitely wouldn’t sack her, are you suggesting he didn’t offer it and she took it anyway? Because if he said ‘Look I’ve got all this chocolate but I’m not going to eat it, would you and your family use it?’ Then I don’t see the issue. Can he explain what happened?

It may actually have been stressing him too having it all there. My granny had dementia and she got very stressed about wasting things or having stuff sitting there waiting to be eaten, she would always make comments like your dad ‘I just won’t get through it, it’s so much food’ and she would definitely have tried to give it away. We had to stop buying her consumables as she got quite worked up about it. Perhaps an element of that?

Neither mistake nor untrustworthy? Her client is there telling her he doesn't want all of this chocoloate and insistently telling her to take it away. People can get very anxious with dementia and he may have been stressing about it, unable to compute in his mind that he could stagger the eating of it and it would be OK. I'd have a chat with her and explain he is in early dementia stage and if he seems very anxious about anything or insists she throws away or takes away things you'd really appreciate it if she could let you know. However, she is employed as a cleaner, not a dementia carer so sadly I don't think you can expect her to take this extra load on unless that is something she is used to and happy to do.

I don’t think it was an honest mistake or that she’s untrustworthy. I think it was exactly like she’s said it was, your dad didn’t want all that chocolate, so he gave it away to his cleaner (as he’s entitled to do!) and told her not to say anything! I honestly think it’s that simple!

I am baffled.

You're annoyed the cleaner took the chocolate your dad offered her as a small gift/gesture?

Why would this be an issue?

He admitted he gave it to her, she’s done nothing wrong in accepting it.
She isn’t obliged to contact you about anything other than cleaning. It was nice the previous cleaner looked out for him, but this isn’t her role and she clearly has firm boundaries.

I would think that he didn't want it, didn't want it hanging around and so he gave it to the cleaner. I don't think you have a problem with the cleaner.

There's no reason at all to think badly of her.
He didn't want to tell you that he'd given her the chocolates because that would sound ungrateful for the gift.

I have lots of chocolate and biscuits that were given to me for Christmas. But I can't eat many of them because I'm on a specific diet for medical reasons that rules out chocolate, cakes and biscuits other than one a day as a treat. So I'll be gradually giving them to other people without letting the gifters know.

She certainly doesn't deserve to be given the sack for this. Your DH needs to calm down.

I think your dad sounded overwhelmed which your kind but miss judged gift. He didn’t want the chocolate and so gave it to his kind cleaner, I can’t understand your worries here. She sounds like a nice lady and your dad didn’t want the gift. It’s not his fault you spent so much on it.

I don't think it's at all odd that he offered her the chocolate and she took it. My df and dm would have done similar if given a load of something consumable that they didn't particularly want to eat.

She's done nothing wrong. You would be wrong to get funny with her about it - actually it seems you may already have.

No need to sack her, she'll probably sack you first now. If I were her, I'd be thinking about dropping your dad as a client sadly - no-one wants to have to deal with being accused like this. She'll be wary of him losing something and her being accused of stealing.

Not an issue at all, and I can't believe you think it is. Over the remainder of some chocolates? Come on now.....

I get the feeling that you think this is the thin end of a wedge since Dad has signs of alzheimers. Is there more to this, because if there isn't I feel this is a HUGE overreaction on yours and your DHs part.

Don’t be daft! He didn’t want the chocolate so gave it away. Have you never received an unwanted gift and regifted it?

I think that with someone with Alzheimer's people coming into the home would be better not accepting gifts because it puts them in a vulnerable position of being accused of coercion or stealing.
It could so easily go from chocolate, to that nice piece of china to that gold watch.

Maybe say to the cleaner that the chocolate isn't an issue but please let you know if he offers her anything else.

For my DC we always had a rule no giving away or accepting items in school.

If you found the empty chocolate box in the bin it suggests she didnt take them home and ate them over time when she was working , would he even be aware of bbe dates, maybe not give him big boxes, he won't eat them. I wouldn't have pressed him, does it matter if he gave them away. Are you qnd your dh just as concerned that she's being paid in cash? Do you have poa for his finances and keep a record of his spending.

Please don't sack her! It sounds like she was doing him a favour as he didn't want it and didn't want it to go to waste. If it makes you feel better you could ask her to let you know if something similar happens again.

This is one of the strangest posts I’ve ever seen on MN! I’m shocked that you are considering sacking the cleaner because she took a box of chocolates that she was offered. Absolutely nothing wrong has happened.

I gave away all the chocolates I was given for Christmas because I’m very particular about the chocolate that I enjoy and didn’t want them. I imagine many other people do the same.

If your dh is so worried and keen to sack her then perhaps he can go round and help with the cleaning instead.

I wouldn't worry about the chocolate. Old people often give gifts.
I would however, safeguard the cleaner against any future accusations of stealing as people with Alzheimers can get very confused about money. Asking your dad to hand over cash could go badly wrong. I would explain to the cleaner that you will pay her directly from your dad's account using POA (you do have POA right?)and make it clear you watch his accounts.
Also put in a Ring doorbell which you can watch, if you haven't already.

Maybe you think he is trying to woo her, then marry her, and BANG, there goes your inheritance 😊

Poor cleaner

Thanks for the replies, I'm clearly overreacting to this. Don't worry, I was not at all rude to her in my message, just asked what had happened and said could she let me know in future if he offered her anything. It's DH who mentioned sacking and I told him that was not happening.

@TeenToTwenties That was my thinking exactly, what else could it lead to. Just wanting to protect dad from anyone taking advantage of him which I thought others with elderly parents may understand but perhaps my thoughts are running away with me ( must be all the stress😀).

Ignore all of the faux outrage/confusion comments you’ll get. They’re unhelpful.

A cleaner that accepts things from a nearly 90 year old client with dementia isn’t great so I can see why your husband isn’t thrilled about it. At the same time, chocolate isn’t a big deal and she might have just figured that if he didn’t want to eat it all that there was no harm in taking it.

It comes down to whether or not you think he’s likely to start trying to give her other, more sentimental and valuable things and whether or not you think she’d accept them. If you feel that there’s the slightest chance that she’d accept something that he gave her that, say, belonged to your mother then I’d absolutely let her go. It has happened in our family and I simply wouldn’t risk it as you won’t get the items back. If you think she’s trustworthy and wouldn’t do that then I’d keep her on but also keep an eye out.

People with dementia can start accusing perfectly innocent people of nicking things, so it's about protecting the cleaner too.

He didn’t want it and he gave it to her. Maybe he knew he wouldn’t eat it, or that he would eat it and he’d get fat and unhealthy, so he decided he’d rather not have it in the house.

I thought you were going to say she stole it at first! Maybe calm down a bit and stop overreacting 😅