Concerned about Dad's cleaner, am I overreacting

[Wayoutwestie]

Long time lurker, first time posting here.
My dad is 89, lives alone, recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. I'm an only child, mum died in 2022 and things have been getting more and more difficult since then. Similar story to many others on here, dad is very stubborn, refuses any carers and DH and I find ourselves doing more and more for him while still trying to have a life of our own. He does have a weekly cleaner and a gardener ( a friend of DH so trust him completely).
He has had the cleaner for about a year, previous one had been there since mum was alive and was great, would always call me if she had any concerns about either of them, she retired Dec2024. I found the current cleaner after asking around a few people and she has always seemed pleasant, dad really likes her which is very unusual for him with anybody. I've messaged her a few times asking if she could clean a certain area etc and she has replied but never heard anything from her otherwise. Dad pays her in cash which I draw out of the bank for him.
We called round to see dad today, it was his birthday a couple of weeks ago and my son had sent him a large box of assorted chocolates worth around £30. Dad had commented to us last week that it was a lot of chocolate, DH had looked through and most of the bb dates were next october so we said he had plenty of time to eat it all and thought no more of it.
Today DH was sorting his recycling and noticed the empty box, we asked what had happened and at first he said he had eaten it all, we pressed him further and he said he had given it all to the cleaner. I was shocked so messaged her straight away saying it was a birthday present (she would have known this as one of the bars said Happy Birthday'). She replied that yes, he had given it to her, she did think of contacting me but he told her not to so she just took it.

I really don't know what to think, was it an honest mistake or is she untrustworthy. DH thinks I should sack her but I'm inclined to give her a chance. I'd appreciate some other points of view.

Cannot believe you messaged her. I would be gone had I received a message like that. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour.

However nicely you spoke to her, I imagine that she won't be back. She's going to feel very insecure, knowing that anything that disappears/is mislaid will result in her being suspected of taking it.

Being in a house alone with someone with dementia is quite risky in that regard.

@Wayoutwestie so why did you message her when your dad told you he had given them away? What were you expecting her to say or do?

I totally understand that you are feeling very protective of your dad, but he had already told you there were too many chocolates.

He gave her some chocolate I can’t believe you actually messaged her about it. It was his to give away and it’s hardly family jewels!

I’m a cleaner - and I’m afraid I agree. I never get ‘let go’ but I do bow out, when I’m unnecessarily micromanaged or made to feel ‘less’. I would absolutely consider this (someone jumping to think the worst of my intentions) the ‘death knoll’.

Is it possible to approach the cleaner who retired and see if she would be interested in being paid to pop in and visit him once or twice a week?

I can’t believe you are making a fuss over some chocolates! Your dad likes this woman, says he gave her the chocolates- it’s none of your business!

I totally agree with this. Tell her it's ok this time but she MUST tell you if he ever tries to give her anything else.

There’s nothing to overreact about. You sound bonkers.

He has Alzheimers, he may not have full capacity. He could easily be manipulated by someone unscrupulous.

My fathers tastes have changed with his dementia. As has his appetite although i think thats related to his regular infections.

If he gave it to her - its only chocolate.

I know you told him he had plenty of time to eat it but he is unlikely to have the same grasp of time as you do, or he may have even forgotton the conversation. You have to cut them both a bit of slack.

Just ask the cleaner to advise you in future if he gives unusual things away - like.chocolates without the box!

Be aware at some point he may well accuse her (or you..) of stealing something. You will need to maintain composure to be able to explore whats gone on. Indeed he could be manipulated. Equally you cannot take what a dementia sufferer says at face value. Its a crazed path you are negotiating.

When my father lived with us he was forever accusing us of stealing stuff he had lost. Luckily he only had his room and it never took us long to go up and find it. Even now, in his care home, he constantly thinks his money has gone even though we repeat that he has plenty and its kept in the office with everyone elses for safety.....two minutes later we get the same conversation!

Yes, I read the OP, thanks.
It’s a box of chocolates.
A cleaner who is pleasant, has a decent enough reputation, and who the Op’s father is fond of will be driven away by such accusatory behaviour.

She was being kind to him by accepting a gift and did the right thing imo. Sounds like she wont do it again.

She's done nothing wrong ,you and your husband need to get a grip .

You've really overreacted. It was chocolate. It's not uncommon to share chocolates, I work in social care and I wouldn't accept any offers of money or valuables but food, especially sharing it whilst in the home, is fine.

I bought my Dad a cutlery set (which he gave to his cleaner) a set of mugs ( he gave them to his cleaner) and wine which were all given to his cleaner. I never blamed her. She was the loveliest person- I give my cleaner things often too. It’s up to your Dad, my Dad and me what we do with our things and who we give them to. Probably just a sign not to buy him chocolate next time. Nothing suspicious though and it’s only £30 - not thousands

I think you're over thinking things. My mother is 88 and regularly gives things away mainly to neighbours. It's usually when she feels overwhelmed with things. For instance if I take her alot of food or snacks at the same time it's as if she panics thinking she's got to eat it all. Probably similar to your Dad saying there was alot of chocolate. She once had a meltdown over a big bunch of bananas and gave them to the next door neighbour. I don't think it's right to blame the cleaner.

You need to tell her the ground rules, no accepting gifts or money (other than payment for cleaning).

He gifted the chocolate as he’s entitled to do so, you can see why he didn’t want you to find out tbh.

My uncle had a carer who always had a sob story about not being able to afford shopping. He claims he said he told her to take something from the freezer. She cleared it out, and it was full of steaks, joints, fish, giant prawns, lobsters. My cousin found out when she popped in for her weekly visit, wanted to get something out to cook for dinner and found the freezer empty. The agency said that their carers were not allowed to accept gifts. We didn’t see her again.

When my granda had dementia chocolate would run through him.
A large box would have been given off I. Our circumstances too.
Perhaps your dad just didn’t want them?

It not really anything to do with you. It was a gift to your Dad, and he have it to the cleaner. She hasn't done anything wrong, and neither has your dad as it's up to him what he does with unwanted gifts.

My cleaner is coming tomorrow. I'm going to offer her a tin of biscuits, because I simply can't get through all the food gifts I got for Christmas.
I'm an older mumsnetter and everyone knows that I don't need or want more 'stuff'. So, sensibly, they buy me food, because it's consumable. But that gets overwhelming too, though I wouldn't dream of saying so, because they want to treat me.

But yep, the person who bought me the lovely tin of biscuits lives far away, so she won't find it that I've given them away.

This

this post is very strange.you have clearly never lived with someone experiencing dementia they can be easily overwhelmed and upset by something like this. It is chocolate who cares if it is birthday chocolate, she is good highly recommended cleaner in your own words. You’re being utterly ridiculous. Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face.