Concerned about Dad's cleaner, am I overreacting

[Wayoutwestie]

Long time lurker, first time posting here.
My dad is 89, lives alone, recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. I'm an only child, mum died in 2022 and things have been getting more and more difficult since then. Similar story to many others on here, dad is very stubborn, refuses any carers and DH and I find ourselves doing more and more for him while still trying to have a life of our own. He does have a weekly cleaner and a gardener ( a friend of DH so trust him completely).
He has had the cleaner for about a year, previous one had been there since mum was alive and was great, would always call me if she had any concerns about either of them, she retired Dec2024. I found the current cleaner after asking around a few people and she has always seemed pleasant, dad really likes her which is very unusual for him with anybody. I've messaged her a few times asking if she could clean a certain area etc and she has replied but never heard anything from her otherwise. Dad pays her in cash which I draw out of the bank for him.
We called round to see dad today, it was his birthday a couple of weeks ago and my son had sent him a large box of assorted chocolates worth around £30. Dad had commented to us last week that it was a lot of chocolate, DH had looked through and most of the bb dates were next october so we said he had plenty of time to eat it all and thought no more of it.
Today DH was sorting his recycling and noticed the empty box, we asked what had happened and at first he said he had eaten it all, we pressed him further and he said he had given it all to the cleaner. I was shocked so messaged her straight away saying it was a birthday present (she would have known this as one of the bars said Happy Birthday'). She replied that yes, he had given it to her, she did think of contacting me but he told her not to so she just took it.

I really don't know what to think, was it an honest mistake or is she untrustworthy. DH thinks I should sack her but I'm inclined to give her a chance. I'd appreciate some other points of view.

I don't think she's done anything wrong, as you seem to have acknowledged in your reply.

The chocolates are a non event. For whatever reason your dad wanted to give them to her, it really doesn't matter.

But I agree with PP this job could put her at risk of being seen as 'taking advantage' if your dad tries to keep giving her things. It is also quite common for people with dementia to accuse relatives or carers (or cleaners) of stealing things which they have actually just lost, so she is in a vulnerable position.

It would be helpful if you kept in touch with her more regularly so that you know her better, and she feels able to tell you what is going on. But it sounds as if the time is coming when he will need an actual carer who understands the issues, rather than a cleaner who can't be expected to.

you’re massively overreacting over chocolate. It’s not like he’s given her money!!!

I think your overreacting, your dad had already commented it was a lot so offered it to her, it’s his house and the chocolate was given to him so surely it’s up to him what he does with it.

If your dad is paying the cleaner, she is not your cleaner to sack, is she?

Firstly, cleaners aren't carers, so if you want her to let you know if he tries to give her anything then you're going to have to ask her.
Secondly, I'm assuming he still has capacity over various areas of his life, so if he wants to give something away then that's up to him.
Re. paying in cash, when my parents had local authority carers we were advised to put money in a safe for groceries etc and they provided receipts and wrote in a book each time they used anything. The cleaner (again local authority) was paid in cash by my dad as at that point it was only my mum on the dementia pathway. Please don't expect the cleaner to take on more than her role suggests and accept that your dad has given her a small gift. As I say if it's really such a huge problem, just politely ask that she lets you know due to the dementia.

I agree with the above. I think it’s a bit of a leap to think accepting a bit of chocolate could lead to something else. It was offered to her, and she said she’d message you but he said not to. Obviously money, ornaments etc. is different but sounds like it was simply too much chocolate and neither of them wanted to offend you

Why should she let you know in future if he offers her anything OP? You are really overstepping here. She is a cleaner, not a carer. You started your post by saying your dad had Alzheimer’s and going on about her trustworthiness, and now you’re making it sound like she needs to check in with you constantly.

If your dad needs more care then a carer needs to be hired - don’t put so much pressure on the poor cleaner.

He gave her chocolate. Not his bank card.

I thought you were going to say she was trying to marry him or something likecthat. Not take a gift he offered her. I think you are over reacting tbh. I was in a similar situation to you with my dad living on his own after mum died. We used a professional company, where they sent two cleaners at once, and they weren't allowed to accept gifts.

@Wayoutwestie i think you're overreacting. I know how time consuming and concerning it can be with elderly parents. My husbands parents have moved 5 mins from us, both mid 80s and we’re picking up a lot. They have a cleaner (she is also our cleaner) and they give her random stuff because they don't want it. Mum in law even bought her a rice cooker for no reason. Which I thought was odd. But it was a gift.

You think the chocolate is a big deal because you gave it as a birthday gift. But that doesn't inherently make it special I'm afraid and clearly Dad wasn't keen. It was a misfire of a gift and he gave it away.

Take a breath and sort your priorities - asking the cleaner to let you know any time he offers her something as basic as clearly unwanted food is overbearing and frankly quite rude to both her AND Dad as he still has capacity. You are both reacting as though diamonds and wills have been involved- this is a non issue you've turned into an issue.

I have a feeling she might leave anyway. I would be so embarrassed if somebody asked this and it would be obvious you were insinuating something. And she’s a really nice cleaner? They’re hard to find…

FWIW she might not have even wanted them, it’s kind of hard to say no sometimes without thinking you might offend someone.

Elderly people often seem to give things away. I remember my nan doing it with me and my mother does it now too. I think she gives people cash too sometimes (£20 here and there) and she insists so it is awkward for people to refuse.

Why on earth would you message her about that? He gave her the chocolate. I give my cleaner loads of stuff I think she might want / her kids might want. It’s his house and his chocolate. I cannot fathom why you would make her feel like she’s done something wrong. I’m actually mortified for her. Stop micromanaging your dad’s cleaner.

DFiL received chocolates and biscuits at Christmas and has no interest in eating any of them. They will still be there next Christmas if he doesn't give them to us. He struggles with the packaging & they immediately blend into the background. I wish he would give them to his lovely cleaner!

I agree. She's a cleaner, not your dad's carer. Its lovely that his previous cleaner messaged you about him but that's not her role and its expecting way too much of her to be monitoring him and reporting back to you (aside from the obvious is she found him on the floor or something)

Just to add as well that my elderly mum received food items that she simply doesn't want.

I would think it common for people to give stuff away in this manner and I think that your DH has taken this a bit personally because you bought the chocolate.

Elderly father does simply not want it and not want it hanging about either, regardless of best before dates.

I have to say that messaging the cleaner, when you know full well df didn't want the chocolate and having gone through the recycling, is weird and you will be lucky if she doesn't sack you/your dad off as a client.

I also think old people can sometimes get stressed about having things in their house that they know they won’t use. Especially food, I think it’s the pressure of it being there and the thought of it being wasted combined. Particular at a time when their appetite often gets smaller.

He gave her some chocolate that was too much for him, not gifts of money and jewellery?

It seems totally reasonable to me for a cleaner to accept some chocolates.

It’s perfectly normal to give someone that works for you little gifts or even tips now and again (especially in primarily low paid roles) my Nan gave her cleaners son a tenner when he came with his Dad to work in the school holidays. She’s 5 years older than your Dad but perfectly capable of making her own decisions and to be honest she would be furious if anyone intervened. I assume your Dad also is also capable of making his own decisions otherwise he wouldn’t be living alone. He obviously likes her, I feel very sorry for her actually being questioned about accepting a gift of chocolate. Especially as it was taken out of the box? It’s hardly the gift if the century. She probably didn’t even want it but felt obliged to take it. If you are this nervous of people’s intentions then you will have to visits daily to keep a closer eye on his possessions or have him live with you. What is your husband thinking saying sack her? Goodness me what a palaver over a bit of chocolate.

Poor cleaner. She didn’t steal the crocs. She was given them.

They sound too much for him

£30 on chocs is a lot

I was thinking of being a Caring Companion and helping people go shopping etc. These posts really put me off.

To be honest I would lose them as clients as well, I would be nervous of even having a hot drink and 5 minutes sat down chatting to him when I had finished cleaning after I had received a text like that. I would be beyond hurt. OP makes it sounds all light and breezy in her responses but she obviously thought taking some chocolate off your boss who offered it is wrong! Checking his recycling and asking if he had finished his chocolates - very strange. Also, I get the feeling the Dad knew they would have a problem with it and that’s why he lied. Imagine making it to 89 and not being able to give your cleaner (who I bet he sees more often than his family) a bit of chocolate and your children texting someone you’ve grown to care for to ask them about it. How depressing.

I don't get it. You said that your dad and the cleaning lady get on and your dad said himself that he had given the chocolates away and you still quizzed her about it? You'd be lucky if she continues to keep your family as a client.

Perhaps challenge your own thoughts around what you expect the 'help' to be on a few quid a week and also your suspicious ideas.

To be honest I would lose them as clients as well, I would be nervous of even having a hot drink and 5 minutes sat down chatting to him when I had finished cleaning after I had received a text like that.

Me too- I would be surprised if the cleaner stays OP. Noone likes to be questioned or monitored as if they're a criminal. One low paid cleaning job is simply not worth the stress when you can get other clients