Concerned about Dad's cleaner, am I overreacting

[Wayoutwestie]

Long time lurker, first time posting here.
My dad is 89, lives alone, recently diagnosed with Alzheimers. I'm an only child, mum died in 2022 and things have been getting more and more difficult since then. Similar story to many others on here, dad is very stubborn, refuses any carers and DH and I find ourselves doing more and more for him while still trying to have a life of our own. He does have a weekly cleaner and a gardener ( a friend of DH so trust him completely).
He has had the cleaner for about a year, previous one had been there since mum was alive and was great, would always call me if she had any concerns about either of them, she retired Dec2024. I found the current cleaner after asking around a few people and she has always seemed pleasant, dad really likes her which is very unusual for him with anybody. I've messaged her a few times asking if she could clean a certain area etc and she has replied but never heard anything from her otherwise. Dad pays her in cash which I draw out of the bank for him.
We called round to see dad today, it was his birthday a couple of weeks ago and my son had sent him a large box of assorted chocolates worth around £30. Dad had commented to us last week that it was a lot of chocolate, DH had looked through and most of the bb dates were next october so we said he had plenty of time to eat it all and thought no more of it.
Today DH was sorting his recycling and noticed the empty box, we asked what had happened and at first he said he had eaten it all, we pressed him further and he said he had given it all to the cleaner. I was shocked so messaged her straight away saying it was a birthday present (she would have known this as one of the bars said Happy Birthday'). She replied that yes, he had given it to her, she did think of contacting me but he told her not to so she just took it.

I really don't know what to think, was it an honest mistake or is she untrustworthy. DH thinks I should sack her but I'm inclined to give her a chance. I'd appreciate some other points of view.

I have to agree.

I can't see the issue. She didn't steal it.

You are protecting your Dad, which is admirable. However, I work with older people and it's quite common for them to offer out their sweets and treats! I almost always say no, but they can be quite persistent and on the odd occasion I have accepted a few.

So I can see why the cleaner might have felt they were helping your Dad, especially if he wanted rid of them, but didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings in doing so and also, didn't want them to go to waste.

She accepted a reasonable gift he gave her. Nothing untoward at all, he didn’t want the chocolate.

Sack her for what? I’m confused

I wish people would remember that just because someone has a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s doesn’t mean that they lose their identity.

We had no idea how the conversation panned out but maybe he asked her to take it as he didn’t think he’d eat it all- which sounds possible from the conversation he had. Of course if there are safeguarding concerns in the future (money or expensive possessions going missing etc) then sack her and raise it- but a man is allowed to
give his cleaner some chocolate whatever his diagnosis.

And the OP’s dad gets absolutely no choice in this now he has an Alzheimer’s diagnosis?

Fair enough she (hopefully) will know not to accept anything of value (not that we have any evidence that this will happen) but if he wants to give her some chocolate he should be able to decide this- however severe the dementia.

I could understand your concerns if he gave her a big wad of cash but a few bars of chocolate that he obviously didn't want & gave to his cleaner isn't a a sackable offence. She's done nothing wrong. & if he's asked her not to tell you then she's done as he asked. I'm sure if he gave her something of value she'd have rang you to check with you if it was ok him giving her it. Maybe ask her to let you know if he starts giving away things regularly.

So she took all of the chocolate from inside the box and threw the box in the bin instead of taking the whole box with her?

I agree with the posters who say sometimes you don’t even have a choice of what you get given from older people.

I visit an 85 year old lady as a volunteer and have done for years. This weekend, I now have a 3/4 jar of decaf coffee sitting on my stairs. I don’t drink decaf or coffee so useless to me but I have promised to find it a home. She mentioned it 3 times when I was visiting, it was important to her for it to find a home and was on her mind.

I haven’t mentioned to family it’s not important enough and I would be so cross if anyone thought I was trying to steal - I’ve given up hours and hours of my life helping her and this will not be the last time I have to find a home for something!

You don't need to spend your time finding it a home. It's perfectly OK to bin it.

You are right to worry because your father is developing Dementia. Any cleaner should understand that Dementia sometimes means that a person is not of sound mind and can not give consent.
The incident has served to educate the cleaner about your concerns now that your father is growing vulnerable.

The giving away of the chocolates, in itself, seems quite rational. Your father voiced that he couldn't eat them.

Yes you are.

i write this before your update, but will post it anyway

WTAF

Your DH is off his rocker. Sack her for taking some chicolate your Dad a#ked her too & asked he4 nit to tell you. Chocolate!

i get you're disappointed he gave away a present your son got him but he was obviously finding it overwhelming (yes he could have just put it in a cupboard & nibbled away at it for months & offered it to visitors etc, but HE couldn't, it was overwhelming. That's a part of aging/reduced capacity you just have to accept I'm afraid).

He knew he couldn't give it to you, so he gave it to his cleaner, no big deal. It's chocolate not the family jewels or war medals or something important.

it sounds like she would have contacted you if it was some5h8ng more meaningful.

you don't have the same relationship with her you had with the previous cleaner, but that's as much down to you establishing that, she cleans for your Dad, he pays her. That's the relationship, not with you.

you could RING (not message) her & say you're thankful he has her for the cleaning & an adduti9nal person looking out for him & not to hesitate to contact you if she's ever concerned about anything (even if he says not to). Plus you could start paying her directly as that will help change the relationship.

Hi op you have a right to be concerned I would remind her although she works for your dad it doesn’t matter what he tells her to keep to herself you have told her you want to know anything it’s tricky because you are putting so much trust in her and I suppose he could have asked family first if they wanted the chocolate.

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. Your father gifted them to her. I would stop cleaning for him as well now if I were her. You either trust her or you don’t.

Maybe he didn’t want to ask family if they wanted the chocolate. A diagnosis of dementia doesn’t automatically take away someone’s personhood and choice.

100% if he is giving away money and lacks capacity then be concerned and do what needs to be done but a man is allowed to give away some chocolate if he wishes.

Poor girl. You need to apologise for making her feel bad (won’t let me search your replies so apologies if you have already)

Wow. If I was given a huge box of chocolates I'd be foisting them on anyone who'd have one.

That's not to say I'm not greatful for the gift, or that I don't like chocolates, but I dont want loads hanging around and judging by our staffroom, which is full of chocolates people have received as gifts and no one wants, I'm not the only one. It would also be an easy way to do something nice for someone i appreciated.

If I was the cleaner I'd be devastated to be challenged because a client had shared his birthday chocolates with me.

You've found your Dad a reliable cleaner, who he likes, and this is how you treat her?

Of course you should be open to the possibility that people might exploit a vulnerable person, but over chocolates? Really?