Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

My parents only had a tiny one bed bungalow but it was astonishing what they had crammed into it. By the time dad died, followed by mum’s deteriorating dementia, hospital, and finally into a care home, it was clear to me that anything of value had been taken by other family members (family members that mum wanted nothing to do with until the dementia made her forget why).
I think they had ‘helpfully’ taken her to the cashpoint when they visited too judging by the amount of cash that left her account in her last few months at home.

As it was social housing (allocated due to dad’s disabilities) I needed to empty it quickly so after ensuring I had packed mum’s personal and sentimental items I booked a house clearance. It was very sad to see their whole life disappear off in a van 😔

I have had a health scare recently that fortunately came to nothing, but it has prompted me to start my own version of Swedish Death Cleaning. Just doing a little bit every day to declutter, keep the house spacious and easy to navigate, ensure paperwork is up to date, and add labels to things if needed or make lists, e.g. what jewellery is real and what is not!

Like many here, I have seen friends have to deal with houses crammed with ‘stuff’ with parents who are reluctant to part with anything. It’s exhausting and so unnecessary if we all just think ahead and be realistic. Easier said than done I expect.

We have a terrible bus service - 5 a day if a service isn't cancelled (a rare day), no GP but we do have a village shop, pub and café and it's a good community. We'd like to move to the village where our very good GP is. There's also a decent shop, butcher, vet, dentist, pub, Indian restaurant and we go swimming in the private school there so it would be ideal but not many places come on the market.

I care for my elderly father - 80 and sight impaired but otherwise fit, able, lazy, entitled, petty and snide. Also sees himself in the father with teenage daugher her can scold "how DARE you open the window vent when there's a PENSIONER in the room?" Then told me to fuck off.

Im nearly 50 and i opened a window vent yesterday to air the living room because it was rank. Didn't open the window, just the vent.
He buttons the living room up, blocks off the vents closes all the doors and sits in there day and night with the house central heating set to 20 while wearing socks uggs scarf thermals and wool with his dog tucked down the side of his chair the pair of them fester in this tropical climate to the point that it reeks of lanolin and must and Im ashamed by it as I keep the house clean and tidy so the stink really bothers me.

He's more than able to do what he wants to do all day - cooking, eating, watching sports on tv, wordle, phoning round his friends, but couldn't possibly tidy up after himself or feed his dog, or shower.
Claims he can't wipe his own shit off the back of the toilet seat because "I'm blind" but can spot a packet of mini cheddars in a dark cupboard at 50 paces, can home-make vats of soup and cook a roast dinner.
Cant go for a walk to improve his circulation because "Im blind" but can go to tesco with his pal and do a full shop unaided because its food planning and he lives for his stomach.
You get the picture - utterly dishonest and weaponised incompetence.

Says if i leave him he'll have to "go into a home" (which is hilarious because a "home" wouldnt have him as he has zero actual needs beyond sight loss) or kill himself.

I moved in with him during covid when he lost his sight and his MH took a dive - I own my own flat but have a tenant in it, tenant is moving out so I can sell the flat, buy something closer so i can still keep an eye but also keep my sanity.

This is going to be met with threats of suicide but I'm at the point where I loathe him and just want to leave him to rot. However, I have insane guilt as I promised my mother I'd look after him before she died, and we were really really close.
I also feel guilty because the idea of him dying just fills me with relief and not sadness, and makes me feel like a monster.

Just wanted to join in on the subject of full to the rafters houses! I am currently in the process of clearing one of the spare bedrooms again after DF had filled it, this has been a cycle over a number of years. DM when she was able was awful about saving things. Suspect for DM it was poverty growing up and then environmental conscience about not wasting things.

Again they should have moved when they were able, DM was requesting she now wanted to move as there is no downstairs bathroom with washing facilities - although we’ve sorted now with stair lift. And was devastated when I said she couldn’t now (she absolutely couldn’t, ignoring the alternate reality of me and my Dad having the time to clear and then sell, which would be an impossibility with the amount of care she needs, she can’t see or move easily so there’s no way she’d navigate a new place). Fully intending to always plan ahead so not same issues for my own DD.

@AyDiosMio you can fulfill your promise to your mum by ensuring your father is looked after, but it doesn’t have to be you doing it all.

Move as soon as you can. It is a received wisdom on here that if you are stuck between resentment and guilt, choose guilt.

^ 💯 this

Unquestionably this!

Go for it @AyDiosMio and move out.

You sound like you're at the end of your tether. And he sounds like a git.

I have given up guilt for Lent. It was that or wine.

In a conversation with DB I have realised that he wants DM kept alive forever. He thinks that being stuck in bed, doubly incontinent, oblivious to her surroundings, unaware of who people are is some sort of 'quality of life'.

It beggars belief. And I think it is pure selfishness.

@GnomeDePlume perfectly normal to get to the stage where you start hoping they just slip away peacefully asap. Been there, more than once.

@GnomeDePlume wise choice re lent.
I think goldenballs will have that attitude about mum even though he won't be the one dealing with the practicalities. He has a POA so will get to make decisions without consulting me or other brother. An example that's typical of him is I've just got a new (to me) car that has a newfangled system that means I can play stuff off my phone and is compatible with Apple and Android (my phone). So last week when I took mum to the supermarket I discovered that an unknown Airtag was travelling with me and it tracked the journey from mum's house to Tesco and back so it must be in mum's handbag. Now that's a sensible idea in case she wanders but neither me nor youngest brother have been told it's there and have no idea how long it's been there. I'm the one that gets the call if mum isn't there when the carers arrive and he knows that. Next time I'll tell them they need to speak to goldenballs as he can track her.

Posting again after a long absence due to not having enough hours in the day. I worry that it's all getting a bit too much and I'm feeling very overwhelmed though i'm sure I'm not alone.

Between Christmas and mid-Jan my mum was in and out of hospital, then when she finally seemed to be on the mend, it was dad's turn. Unfortunately he had both pneumonia & sepsis and after 4 days was discharged back to the care home for end of life care.

Three weeks later he's still hanging on, barely eating or drinking and bedbound with failing kidneys but with no end in sight. Mum and I take it in turns to visit daily but on the bad days he either doesn't wake at all or doesn't know who I am. I know it sounds awful but I just wish it was all over for him.

What is it with these men who want their parents to be kept alive for ever in a state that is at best merely existing and on most days actually an undignified and frightening existence? I wonder if it's at some level a refusal to accept their own mortality- if they still have their Mum around they can still pretend they are young themselves? Or is it that they don't get as involved in the day to day personal care so don't see the full reality and tell themselves that they are being caring by keeping them breathing?

My B was like this when DF was ill with a chronic life limiting condition in his 80s. He is still adamant that if DF had been kept in hospital for longer when he developed pneumonia and/or more follow up tests and medication had been given to him he would have been fit as a fiddle now. Ignoring the fact that DF hated being in the hospital and this was the latest in a constant stream of infections and illnesses with each one leaving him weaker and in more discomfort. I know he will be the same as DM declines. He has already started complaining that her GP isn't being proactive enough in investigating some of her ongoing physical issues. All the issues he complains about are age related (eg. loss of mobility, taking longer to do things, feeling tired, poor vision) and she has had tests and has ongoing support/medication to manage them but he really wants someone to treat her as they would if someone in their 40s had the same symptoms and ideally find that they are due to some little known disease and get her a cure.

@WhatHaveIFound total sympathy as I'm in the same boat. No judgement from me (or I guess anyone on this thread) for wanting this to end.

I realised in my conversation with DB that I am terrified of ending up in the same state as DM.

I wonder if DB realises that once DM is gone he is alone. That may be behind him wanting to eke out DM's life.

I might get flamed for this....but....
Ime men seem to struggle much more with their parents getting old/ill/dying.
These issues have often preceeded a mid life crisis in men in our family/work/social circle 🤷‍♀️
Dh and sil will be a nightmare when its pils turn. Total head-in-the-sand people 🤷‍♀️

My friends dh was so appallingly useless when his father was dying that it totally changed her view of him. I'm amazed their marriage survived tbh.

Regarding moving when you are able to, there’s such a shortage of bungalows where I live it’s nearly impossible. Plenty in the neighbouring villages but we have the best doctors for miles around and no desire to live elsewhere. I check Rightmove regularly and the only ones that come up are either dormers with bedrooms upstairs (defeating the object), need £££££ spending (cos previous owners died) or v v expensive so we would need to use savings as well as the sale of a decent sized detached house. The only one that was doable was in covid but we felt we were too young at the time, it’s now the one that got away

My DM has the same attitude to DF’s supposed quality of life. I can only think that denial has a very powerful reality-altering power.

@GnomeDePlume - hugs, and I'm sorry this is all feeling so drawn out. DC who want their DPs alive at all costs no matter their quality of life don't help the situation. My DF is absolutely one of them. And definitely giving up guilt is better than giving up wine!

DGM has rallied and has been pronounced fit for discharge, but it will be intermediate care/reablement. I managed a full weekend at the inlaws without extensive calls and updates, then DF phoned last night and demanded I make myself available this week to support her discharge as he can't go due to medical stuff. We don't know when it will be or where she's going, it depends where has beds, so can't plan anything. I have 2 full days of back to back meetings this week and a customer site visit to do Friday, so I have no idea how I'm going to manage this. DF just thinks I can take leave at the drop of a hat at short notice! If I really can't go, I'll arrange for her cleaner/home help to take some things in from home to tide her over in the week and I'll have to go at the weekend. DF will absolutely consider that hideous neglect though.

@CrazyGoatLady you simply cannot go due to your own commitments. I know it’s so hard, but your DFs expectations are ludicrous so try not to care what he thinks of you. Using her local cleaner to move things is a sensible idea.

I wonder whether there is a belief that many middle aged men (and, to be fair, some women) have, that if you keep denying reality that eventually reality will give way.

Most women dont have that luxury. It starts with puberty. Biological reality cant be ignored.

For DB it is wanting to retain control. DM is not allowed to die until he is ready (which will be never). He doesnt want to face the changes that will come. He was able to boss DM about but once she is gone there is nothing for him to control except himself.

I have very mixed feelings re: mum coming home, as it's coincided with me pulling back on the level of support I was giving.
I've told my siblings that they need to step up and offer more support. Historically, this hasn't gone well (or happened!) so we will see 😬
I'm going to do 2 visits per week plus all admin/meds etc
She will have one day per week with no visit atm so we will see.
I can only do what I can do.

@Raven08 2 visits per week plus admin and meds is very generous of your time. At the end of the day (which, quite frankly, is where we all are) your DM is an adult who has been assessed as okay to go home.

There is only so much you can do without breaking yourself in pieces. If what is offered isnt enough then the next step requires outside agencies.

Easy for me to say. My DM left hospital to go into a CH. DB had some delusion that it would be temporary but I wasnt prepared to abandon my family to become DM's carer.

Neither were able to influence the outcome so it didn’t matter, but I had slightly similar issues with brothers of my parents. An uncle took my mum’s sister to see her in hospital and announced that to him
she seemed ‘completely normal’ and told me that she wanted to go home. At the time she was a couple of weeks post major stroke and was cognitively completely shot with huge behavioural change and on 1:1 observation plus frequent urgent requests from the ward for me to come up and make her shower etc - but she fell into her usual conversational pattern with him, of saying ‘oh how nice’ ‘did you enjoy that’ to everything.

Then my uncle went to visit my dad in hospital after HIS stroke and pronounced that he’d benefit and recover if we all read more poetry to him. At that point he was 3 weeks from death and we were all at least an hour away and half killing ourselves driving down there.

As I say though, at least these guys didn’t have any actual influence. It was just very odd that they couldn’t see what was happening.

@PermanentTemporary that sounds familiar, DB sees DM not disagreeing with him and echoing words back as 'having a conversation'.

I'm afraid I think that most men feel that.
We've got a long way to go before men realise that their lofty opinions aren't the be-all and end-all of everything.

Yes, that's a bit tongue-in-cheek, but you get the drift.