Feel like I'm going to have to wait for mum to die so I can live

[Paperwhite209]

Just that.

We lost my dad coming up five years ago, I was on here back then. I took time out to care for him and mum afterwards (also because I was pretty broken with stress etc.)

Have been back working out of the home for 2.5 years now. Stepped up at work last year (in responsibility, not pay) - since then pressure on the area I work in has increased by about 30% and whilst I was a full time assistant to my predecessor, my assistant splits their time between me and another department so it's incredibly stressful and difficult to keep up. I also work a second job (same employer) so do at least one 13 hour day a week; no back up domestically or supporting mum, and studying with the OU for the last 18 months to try and get a better paid job so I just have to do the one.

I have been unwell on and off for the last 4-5 months with an endless stream of viruses, my mental health is crap - I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and feel guilty, hopeless and complete failure all the time.

The light at the end of the tunnel was my plan to relocate and downsize. I would half my mortgage, be debt free and be able to work a normal job and have the time and energy for hobbies and a social life. I've had to pull out of an evening course and a weight management programme recently and am on the verge of parking my studies as with being ill I just haven't been able to keep up. I hate leaving the house when I'm not working and have no energy for anything other than TV and doomscrolling when I'm at home.

However, this move would be 200 miles from my mum. She is 86, has several health niggles but is physically and mentally able to look after herself. Emotionally however she is very needy and not above manipulation, emotional and financial blackmail/control tactics. I've suggested she moves with me (to her own place/assisted living) but she won't for the sake of the two close friends and 'fancy man' she has here.

Now I'm starting to get the ball rolling with plans to move she has ramped up the emotional blackmail and is already making my life hell. I know it will get worse if I go - there will be dramas every five minutes the necessitate me hooning up and down the motorway.

I could downsize where we live currently but it's about so much more than that. I'm 50, I want a totally different lifestyle. My home town has changed over the years in ways I don't like and although I've lived here since childhood I've never really felt that I fit.

I don't want to wait anymore. Every summer for the last several years I've come back from visiting the place I want to move to and though 'maybe by next spring I won't have to factor mum into the decision' but every year we're in the same boat. I do love her and there is good in our relationship but I am exhausted and burnt out and I just want to move forward and make a better life for myself.

I was in tears down the phone to her this morning about how exhausted and unwell I feel, and all I got was a lecture about how everything might go horribly wrong if I move and a threat of being cut out of my remaining inheritance (she's already changed her will to reduce my share to 50% which is one of the reasons I want to move - I need to safeguard my financial future as best I can as I don't have a pension).

I don't know what I want from this massive rant - I've been in tears all day, feeling totally trapped and like I may as well give up any hope of living life for myself - if it wasn't for my daughter, I'm not sure I'd even want to keep trying at the moment,

I hear you OP, many of us on here do. The constant viruses are, as you know, a sign your body is overloaded.

It’s easy for an online stranger to say, but in your shoes I would pack up and ship out. It’s hard enough to pause your life for a lovely relative, let alone for someone like your mum. I have refused to engage with my ageing mum- short version is she’s not nice and I don’t want to. It’s your choice to move, it’s her choice to stay- why does she get to be the one to make your choices, you’re not a dependent child. If she is dependent on you then she has to fall in, if she’s not dependent then what’s the issue? As for hooning up and down the motorway- just no. If she chooses not to move then she needs to find new support systems. She could live another 10 years OP. How much more are you prepared to miss out on?

There's something that people quote a lot when it comes to this that goes something like if you have to choose between feeling guilty and feeling resentful then choose guilty. I'd make the move, think about your DD, stay healthy for her sake at least.

Inheritance isn't guaranteed - she may need care. Let her spend the inheritance now move her into assisted living or get home assistance organised. Go live your life. The blackmail would make me move faster.

I’m so sorry. I understand how you feel. I have similar. I can’t retire because the moment I do elderly relatives will assume I am now available to them. I can’t move any nearer because they will assume I am available to them. Where I live, I can’t move any only help from a distance which naturally limits their expectations. However there are many phone calls, lots of stress! And lots of distance wrangling with things that could have been done so much more easily.

DH is depressed because he feels it’s just constant worry and negativity.

So I do understand how you feel.

As for advice, well… I’d suggest making a specific plan with her, for example ‘I’ll come for a long weekend every month’. Or ‘You come here every other month and I’ll visit every other month.’

Also I find a lot of talk about the problems I am facing helps limit the demands from her, so regularly mentioning the cost of living, struggling to pay bills etc. Too tired to manage the house.

Someone will be along in a minute to say what a privilege it is to look after our elders who have selflessly cared for us…. Well no, not necessarily! Some of our elders really don’t deserve the kind of care and attention they want.

💐

She sounds like a piece of work! How unfair and unpleasant she is to her daughter. Where is the other 50% of the inheritance going to now?

Sorry if someone has said this but have considered retiring and not tell your relatives?

She has friends and a "fancy man". She is doing better at social connections than many 86yr olds (and younger folk too!) isn't she?

In my case I had to distance myself too. I blocked her on calls and whatsapp and just left email messages open. I had a hotline to her friend, and to her neighbour next door. I only got involved when one of them indicated a REAL crisis. Carers were involved to look after her. I won't go into the details, I'm sure you are very familiar with them, but slowly I cut the strings and while I loved her I didn't LIKE her very much.

Follow your dream. Do not feel guilty although I know that's not easy. Ask yourself what's the thing you will regret most on your deathbed? I doubt it will be that you should have stayed near Mum and devoted the best years of your life to her. Think about it.

I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in this draining situation, OP.

It can be so easy for parents to have an emotional hold over us. But please keep in mind that her problems are not your problems. You do not have a responsibility to help her solve them, especially at her beck and call. Extricate yourself from the drama. You can listen to her complaints and issues (preferably via phone) and empathise but don't offer solutions or get yourself involved. Responding with a "Oh that sounds hard - what will you do about it?" is perfectly ok.

My thoughts- she’s had her life this is your turn.

Would she have done (ie severely compromised her own life) for her own mother the way you are being asked to do?

Another sending solidarity @Paperwhite209 I’m in similar limbo although DF has advanced dementia and is now in a care home but there’s no way I can proceed with planned move and downsize until he’s gone. I can’t leave him on his own and I’m the only one of four siblings who’s stepped up.

BUT your DM is a bit different to my DF - she’s independent, sociable and rather manipulative if you don’t mind me saying. In that situation, you would be absolutely within your rights to forge ahead. You can’t pour from an empty jug. I really hope you feel able to prioritise yourself and your health x

@Dibble135 when the time comes, that’s definitely what we’ll do. But we feel a bit stuck and indecisive. It isn’t only our elderly parents, but their needs sort of eat into our own brain space and make it hard to make any decisions! We live with 25% of our attention on one or other elderly parent. As soon as we sort one out, the other has a wobble. This year we’ve had 1 ‘I’ve got cancer’ (she didn’t), another with a minor cancer (no further treatment necessary), major home refurbishment drama, lost abroad, lost locally, falls, lost purse, lost teeth/hearing aid/gloves/keys/car keys/£300 cash. Tears and rages. Plus lots of visiting and hosting and ferrying place to place. One jealous of the other.
It’s relentless.

So yes. It’s hard. But it’s hard at a distance and when you are physically present.

Never ever give into emotional blackmail about inheritance. People can leave their money to anyone and personally I will help anyone that I care for but if blackmail is involved I would rather walk away and get nothing as it says a lot about them.

Equally I have looked after relatives 200 miles away for years and yes it’s hard but do able.

Remember you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. If the move is best for you do that and the figure out how to help your DM as best you can.

@Paperwhite209 what did your mother do for her mother? Mine wasn’t particularly good with hers! So I find it extra irritating when she’s on at me to do something she certainly didn’t do for hers!

Tell her to shove her inheritance where the sun don't shine, and go live your life. When she tries to manipulate you, call her out on it. Every, single, time! I have had to do this with my 94yr old gran. Since my dad became very unwell (far more frail and unwell than she is) she moved onto trying to control me. The result is now, I visit occasionally and will order her things from Amazon etc. Otherwise the responsibility for everything else lies with SW. I have told them I am simply unable to provide any caring role for her and moreover, due to her behaviour I don't want to.

Was it hard? Yip? Do I feel guilty? No. She has done this to herself from years and years of manipulating, emotional blackmail and emotional abuse all so everyone would run after her.

Stay strong and look after yourself.

No useful advice OP but I am nicking what @PrizedPickledPopcorn has said about saying how busy and stressed I am when I am there. I am actually going back to work - stopped due to contract ending last August - because whilst we could afford it financially I actually like working and being in the company of a mixed age range rather than taking on more and more arduous duties for declining DPs, and mine aren’t even that bad.

Please try and do what you need to do for you. Try and write off the inheritance in your mind, so if you get anything it will be a bonus. I also feel I won’t be living my own life again until my DPs are dead. It’s not a great mental load to carry round, my DPs in their right minds would be horrified by the burden they have put on me - and DH who stepped in because I wasn’t coping. Go and live your life.

Same position here with DH. Hospital gave him six months to live more than two years ago. He won't move either. A friend has a 99 year old mother and she want to move too. So every sympathy.

Please start looking after yourself and forget about your mum and your inheritance.

I did the same and it is wonderful.

Exactly this.

Just forget about her.

This. She’s trying to blackmail her own daughter! Fuck off, just fuck off and fuck off some more. Live your life op. You’re not getting any younger yourself (I’m similar age), you are entitled to enjoy your life. She could live For Years.

I think you have an excellent opportunity for an out here op. If she starts getting nasty and trying to blackmail you, walk out immediately and tell her to stuff her money and to get stuffed herself. Walk away, don't look back and be free.
I think your mum is from a generation that thought children are there to serve and that care goes up the generations more than down. In more recent years this expectation has flipped I think and care flows down the generations. I certainly wouldn't expect or want my kids caring for me when I'm old.

OP why on earth would you take a promotion that means a lot more work but no more money? and why on earth would you pander to this awful woman who calls herself your mother? Why would you feel you had to wait for her to die before you could live your life? She sounds like a complete narcissist.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to OP, you don't have to make all these mad choices, you're an adult now and can do what suits you. Start putting yourself first, do what you want and let your mum sort herself out - she can use that inheritance she hangs over you to pay for help. No way would I be living my life like this.

She could live another 10 years OP.

This is my biggest fear. I genuinely think if I had to stay where I am, doing what im
doing, I won't be here in 10 years. My health has taken a massive downturn in the last twelve months - mostly age and weight related niggles that self-care would remedy but I have no time, money or energy for self-care!

@PrizedPickledPopcorn my mum married relatively late at 34, had me at 36 and we moved away from my nan when she was 39. My parents had bought the house my grandparents had lived in (rented) their entire married life but wanted to move out of London. They sold up and we moved to Hampshire and my nan moved into a rented bedsit for the remaining 5/6 years of her life (was 79 when she died). There were probably about half a dozen visits back and forth per year.

@HappyNewTaxYear she's changed from leaving my daughter a lump sum
and me the rest, to splitting her estate (approx £425k currently before taxes and expenses) to splitting everything 50/50 between me and DD. Obviously this makes any change impossible as then my daughter gets shortchanged.

There's now a possibility I will never be able to fully retire and certainly not before state pension age. The move will not only half my mortgage but may make it possible for me to clear it by the time I'm 60 (currently runs until I'm 67).

Even with a second job I'm struggling massively with cost of living and debt, still supporting some of DD's expenses while she's at uni (and nature of her chosen career means this may continue for a few more years).

I want a simpler lifestyle, less daily stress, more time to be creative and opportunities to be out in nature, and increase my self-sufficiency. The town I want to move to has all the cultural benefits of my current location, but none of the pretension, fewer people and more protected countryside.

I'm hoping to get a remote working job to avoid a break in income when I move and give me some flexibility re visiting mum. Then as get back to writing and some creative side hustles, gradually reduce my hours.

Look she has had 86 years of life, its time to live ro your own life, youve given her the option to move with you she doesn’t want to so thats on her own head.
chances are she will need a care home and there will be no inheritance anyway. MOVE op, go. Stop living your life in your mums shadow she could still be here for another 15 years!

Life is short, OP. Just move. Your mum is an adult; she can choose to move or stay where she is. No, you won't need to be driving up and down the motoryway all the time to attend to her pretend ailments. Set limits. Just because the phone rings, doesn't mean you have to answer it. Decide the level of contact/responsibility you're happy with and stick to it. (And don't allow a potential inheritance to be held over your head like a weapon. I know that is much easier said than done, but your mum could decide at any time to cut you out of her will or spend all her money. It's very sensible to be thinking about how you can be financially secure without that.)

@feetfirst39 she's not all bad which muddies the waters a lots.

She has her own unresolved issues going back to her childhood in WW2 - attachment problems and severe separation anxiety and it brings out the worst in her, although I agree there is a narcissistic streak there as well.

She has been a good mum in many ways over the years but is a very much of the 'when she's good, she's very good but when she's bad she's horrid' type.

A lot of it stems from fear and need to control her world which I understand but just can't be part of anymore.