Feel like I'm going to have to wait for mum to die so I can live

[Paperwhite209]

Just that.

We lost my dad coming up five years ago, I was on here back then. I took time out to care for him and mum afterwards (also because I was pretty broken with stress etc.)

Have been back working out of the home for 2.5 years now. Stepped up at work last year (in responsibility, not pay) - since then pressure on the area I work in has increased by about 30% and whilst I was a full time assistant to my predecessor, my assistant splits their time between me and another department so it's incredibly stressful and difficult to keep up. I also work a second job (same employer) so do at least one 13 hour day a week; no back up domestically or supporting mum, and studying with the OU for the last 18 months to try and get a better paid job so I just have to do the one.

I have been unwell on and off for the last 4-5 months with an endless stream of viruses, my mental health is crap - I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and feel guilty, hopeless and complete failure all the time.

The light at the end of the tunnel was my plan to relocate and downsize. I would half my mortgage, be debt free and be able to work a normal job and have the time and energy for hobbies and a social life. I've had to pull out of an evening course and a weight management programme recently and am on the verge of parking my studies as with being ill I just haven't been able to keep up. I hate leaving the house when I'm not working and have no energy for anything other than TV and doomscrolling when I'm at home.

However, this move would be 200 miles from my mum. She is 86, has several health niggles but is physically and mentally able to look after herself. Emotionally however she is very needy and not above manipulation, emotional and financial blackmail/control tactics. I've suggested she moves with me (to her own place/assisted living) but she won't for the sake of the two close friends and 'fancy man' she has here.

Now I'm starting to get the ball rolling with plans to move she has ramped up the emotional blackmail and is already making my life hell. I know it will get worse if I go - there will be dramas every five minutes the necessitate me hooning up and down the motorway.

I could downsize where we live currently but it's about so much more than that. I'm 50, I want a totally different lifestyle. My home town has changed over the years in ways I don't like and although I've lived here since childhood I've never really felt that I fit.

I don't want to wait anymore. Every summer for the last several years I've come back from visiting the place I want to move to and though 'maybe by next spring I won't have to factor mum into the decision' but every year we're in the same boat. I do love her and there is good in our relationship but I am exhausted and burnt out and I just want to move forward and make a better life for myself.

I was in tears down the phone to her this morning about how exhausted and unwell I feel, and all I got was a lecture about how everything might go horribly wrong if I move and a threat of being cut out of my remaining inheritance (she's already changed her will to reduce my share to 50% which is one of the reasons I want to move - I need to safeguard my financial future as best I can as I don't have a pension).

I don't know what I want from this massive rant - I've been in tears all day, feeling totally trapped and like I may as well give up any hope of living life for myself - if it wasn't for my daughter, I'm not sure I'd even want to keep trying at the moment,

Any "good" mother would want this for her child. Your mother is putting her own wants above your needs. She is not a good mother. You don't have to bow to her wants

Nails it. Lots of support here but this was spot on.
You dm could pass soon or live 10 years.
I would move, put support in place for her and put yourself first.
You are overloaded so if you could pause your studies that might help.
Try and carve out some time for self care, whether that be a facial/massage/home pamper session/sound bath etc.
Online hypnotherapy for relaxation/self-esteem/assertiveness could help you. A hypno session always makes me feel very rested.
Ultimately you have this one life. Live it for you. It seems you are being bullied and manipulated. That isn’t fair.

Solidarity OP, I can understand the fear of being trapped. I’m not in your situation yet, but I can see it coming down the line, and it worries me.

Like you, I helped to care for my father during Covid as he had advanced dementia - even moved back in with them to help out day to day as my morher couldn’t cope.
He died in 2024 and my mum is now 81 and getting increasingly needy.

I now live nearby, and have the same fears as you - what are the next 5 it 10 (or 15!) years going to look like… so far she is in decent enough health, but there have been a few falls and illnesses and she is a bit frailer. But still very stubborn and demanding at times, and very negative.

Sadly my sibling is not available for various reasons so I feel like the expectation to help always falls on me. Partly it’s just company as she is bored and lonely, but I find her difficult to deal with. I do love her, but find the expectations suffocating.

Like you I dream of moving away from my expensive city to somewhere cheaper, but the guilt makes it difficult. My mum would not leave the big family home, despite the fact that is getting harder for her to manage.

I cannot care for my mum like I did for dad - she is a different personality to him, much more difficult. I also don’t want to go through that again, it nearly broke me the first time.

I’ve told her that when the time comes she will need to get carers in, but despite agreeing to this in theory, she is notoriously tight with money for other things, despite having 10’s of thousands in savings so I’m not sure what will happen. She like to play the poor pensioner role, despite having far more money than she’s ever had (and far more than I have).

I’m 41 and renting, and don’t have children so in theory I could just up and leave. I don’t want to wake up in 10 or more years feeling like I’ve put my life on hold for her.

As others have said, it always seems to go on much longer than you think.

Sorry for the long waffle!

Also, the main reason we didn’t move a few years ago was because FiL was getting older, more need and frankly cantankerous and demanding. No siblings to help.
DH doesn’t want to move now as feels the upheaval is too much plus our house got neglected and needs a couple of major works doing. My DC don’t want me to move as they think they want to look after me in my old age. I don’t want that for them but maybe I will get cantankerous and demanding.
Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Please put your needs and wants in the foreground.
Can you get some care in place now to gradually build up and allow you to have a life?

@HornyHornersPinkyWinky

I'm so sorry - it sounds like you're situation
is almost identical to mine.

@caramac04 she doesn't need care atm. She likes a lot of company, the occasional hand with tech or lift to an appt as she doesn't really drive anymore, and her neighbour mows her lawns when he does his.

Otherwise she's entirely self-sufficient and very savvy - even does her own DIY, and manages her shopping and banking online!

I am glad your Mum has so much support. My aunt was poorly as a child and missed a lot of school and apparently my late Mum, her older sister, 'bossed her about' and she 'doesn't like being told what to do'. She is only four foot two and unfortunately does act like a child.

I went to hell and back last year because she rang in April and said 'I want to go into assisted living'. I had been trying to find out how many years she had on her lease - and I had to send off for a copy in the end. It was finally found on top of her wardrobe before the copy came, she had 74 years. This falls into the 'marriage value' area where any profit made through extending the lease has to be shared with the freeholder 50/50. Her lovely neighbour, the freeholder, agreed to extend the lease and I agreed to fund her solicitor's fees. After an awful amount of my aunt saying 'I'm in between a rock and a hard place' the lease extension was finally agreed at £9K - the neighbour then told her solicitor she wanted £10K. When the money came through she told my aunt 'just in time, I've had to borrow from my Mum'? This neighbour is in my aunt's will and my aunt thinks she is the 'nicest person I've ever met'. I share LPOA with her.

When the lease finally came through, my aunt said 'I've changed my mind. I will be taken out of here in a box'.

I do wish I'd cut my aunt off sooner, going through this with her was hell on earth. God knows what her will says. I'll just be glad not to feel resentful, I choose guilt :)

@Salome61 oh no, I feel your pain. Whoever inherits will be grateful that the lease was extended. But I appreciate if that's not you, then it's no comfort at all. Lease extension is such a pain.

One thing about having other people around to help, if it's an actual medical emergency, they're not likely to help I think. My mum has friends who will help with the small stuff, but understandably no one will help with the big stuff.

This is part of the reason I haven't been abroad for years. It's just sod's law that I will get myself to Arizona or whatever, pay the fortune that entails - and then if she was hospitalised again, I would be faced with the choice of either returning or trying to enjoy myself while she's in the hospital. Which just isn't going to happen.

I'm not too bothered about the abroad thing, but it is getting a bit out of hand - I could've gone to Florida or something this winter. Again, if someone could say to me that she would live another 10 years, then I would think it's better to go away. When you are constantly on red alert for a potential death you can't really do anything. This red alert has lasted on and off for years. (quite dramatic heart issues).

It's amazing how many times she's nearly died over the years. I'm deeply impressed with her fortitude. But if she was strong enough to be healthy on a daily basis, it would be really helpful.

Obviously, none of this is her fault! but it's very hard not to be resentful.

@Paperwhite209 I think particularly as your mum is well and capable of doing so much stuff for herself, you should get out while the going is good!

💐 please look after yourself, it’s not selfish to want to move and live your own life. We moved county , but yo my home city after my mum, she died at 89 last year and we will probably move again elsewhere. The move back to look after her was probably the most stressful event in my life , downsizing from our beautiful home back to the tiny flat she was in was incredibly difficult, but did it to help her. She had no appreciation of the stress we were feeling, but that wasn’t unusual.
Look after yourself

💐 💐 💐 for all of you in this situation

Well, bizarrely mum has been in the phone today to see how I am, acting as though yesterday's tirade didn't happen.

God it's exhausting.

Possibly she felt like she pushed you too far with her behaviour and is now set on reeling you back in?

This is what causes the confusion and the self doubt. Once the 'tantrum' is over they revert to being nice so you feel relief and give them the benefit of the doubt. Until next time and so the pattern continues...

I had a chat with my daughter (21) this evening about yesterday and the convo she had with her nan before she went back to uni - very different tone apparently.

Said to DD that she wouldn't try and stop me
from moving if that's what I want, she's just worried about x y z...

As I said to DD this is exactly how she's pulled me back before...sowing doubts and niggles and making my doubt myself.

DD gave me a good talking to - 'just imagine how I'd react Mum if she tried any of that with me' 😂.

So it seems the answer is 'hmm' nod, smile and do whatever I like!

Go. Just go. Stop listening to your mother.

One of my relatives spent over 25y saying to their parents when the kids move out were going to this area because their spouse is from that area and the grief they got when they put their house on the market was non-stop, they roped the grandkids in and sowed the seeds of doubt making them worry their very sensible parents were about to make a “terrible mistake, they’ll regret it” but 3 years on they have a fab life in the new area & spends their days doing what they want to do.

They wouldn’t come back if you paid them.

Also how can she stop you? Make you a ward of court and stop you selling up? Have you sectioned? It makes no sense she thinks she can stop you 🤣

This is your one, little, life. You have done your best for your mum. Time to put yourself first and make the move ASAP. Smile and do as you like. She will be fine. Keep posting with your progress. 💐

Agree with others OP. You have to make your move because it’s what you want and you are massively overdue a break from your current lifestyle. Remember your mum can still move to be nearer you any time she wants. I have a difficult elderly mum who is manipulative and needy, and refuses to move. OK then things will just pan out as they pan out, and if she’s able to make her own decisions then so be it. You also can’t do anything for her anyway if you’re so stressed, unhappy and overworked that it makes you ill. And I’d tell her that if need be - if she wants you to be available to her at all, then you need to look after your wellbeing.

Because yoy are a kind and dutiful person you have done your very best for your mother. You should be proud of yourself for your humanity. But now you are being exploited and you need to move fast, before she has, or fakes, a serious illness.
The way she is treating you amounts to abuse. You are being headworked into believing that you aren't capable of change, that you are pretty useless. This is being made easier for her by your health difficulties.
I hope you can escape from this and have a good life in the future.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers I realise that my father was using the carrot of inheritance as a stick to yield to encourage a continued relationship because he knows if his wife dies he will be completely alone in the world
I know it in my heart he will leave the money to the cats home no matter what I do so unfortunately you have got to protect yourself and then any inheritance that you receive is nothing but a bonus

I hope it's not going to the "fancy man!"

No it's being split between me and my daughter!

She has left him something - she changed her Will last year and told me she'd changed the amount but refused to say how much (I've since found out and it's more than I'd like not but not excessive so fair enough).

But we also had a wrangle last year about him being involved as one of her POAs (for finance), which was resolved thank God.

But these things have added to me feeling I can't trust her motives/judgement and wanting to get away and do what I can to protect myself.

You do not need anyone's permission to move !

I am team move !
Downsize help yourself & your daughter
Only YOU can make the changes

However, as someone who has moved several times.
Although, you can look at property on the Internet, it is always preferable to view the area & the property in person.
Beware, there are scammers on the Internet, offering property that does not exist !
Recommend contacting estate agents in the area that you wish to move to & they can send you info about real properties.
Suggest go for a long weekend or a short holiday & look around.

Will you need a new job too ?

You will of course be miles from your DM, but it sounds like she has a partner, some friends & neighbours to help her.

BTW
My forever dream has always been to travel the world.
I used to spend hours driving on motorways to visit on my days off work.
However, I moved closer to elderly relative to be their carer as they had little support.
I now work very PT (carer pay restrictions)

Hopefully my dream will still occur in the future !

Well I'd start by pointing out to her that if she cuts you out of her will, as she has already started to do, it is even more expedient for you to make decisions for your own future based on being financially independent, and that means moving to a much cheaper area.

As to work, why on earth take more responsibility for no more pay? Why did you not negotiate for a raise? Can you contact a union and request they investigate this and ask for a reason rise, backdated to the time when you took on the extra responsibility? Certainly, at very least, ask for a payrise now and if you are knocked back, simply push back firmly on any work that is too challenging or over-extends your hours and say the department needs an extra person or to scale back its expectation on what targets can be met by the current workforce. There is no kudos at all in making yourself ill for work. Please ensure you take all paid holiday and TOIL if that is an option. if not, work to rule. Why should you feel guilty if they don't?

Realistically, few people get what they want in life by ensuring that everyone else is pleased and everyone else's needs are met 100%. People who live as they please have learned to brush off the bitter criticisms and guilt-inducing comments of others. That's the price of freedom and happiness. It doesn;t mean you have to become a selfish cow. Just decide what you want and make it happen. Be pleasant and kind to others but stop putting them before yourself.

When I think of my future up there I feel so excited. When I think of staying here I feel like just giving up and crying.

Do it. Life is too short and your mother has the funds to support herself. The I cannot afford to remain here is pretty straightforward. You have 15 years before you retire, you must get your finances and health in order.

If you have covid and are physically on the floor I trust you have called in sick and are not trying to work from home ? Suggest you get signed off for a couple of weeks.

At work, stop trying to do everything especially as there's no reward for it. If the school doesn't have the funds to employ enough people then some stuff stops, gets done less regularly, done by someone else or doesn't get done at all. You presumably have a manager - make it their problem and be very clear in writing that the current workload is making you ill and causing significant stress. Write down everything you are doing and ask for it to be prioritised.

Start looking for work so you can move over the summer and start a new job in September [assuming your best chance is another school]

Tell your daughter now so she can start to plan for change herself.

Do move away and make a new life for yourself.

It is not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way. Her own family did that.

Stop listening to your doomsayer toxic mother; she is not the boss of you and you do not need her approval, not that she would give this to you anyway. And you are right in thinking she cannot be trusted. Be tired of being the last person who matters here. Your mother only cares about getting you to meet her never ending needs.