Feel like I'm going to have to wait for mum to die so I can live

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Just that.

We lost my dad coming up five years ago, I was on here back then. I took time out to care for him and mum afterwards (also because I was pretty broken with stress etc.)

Have been back working out of the home for 2.5 years now. Stepped up at work last year (in responsibility, not pay) - since then pressure on the area I work in has increased by about 30% and whilst I was a full time assistant to my predecessor, my assistant splits their time between me and another department so it's incredibly stressful and difficult to keep up. I also work a second job (same employer) so do at least one 13 hour day a week; no back up domestically or supporting mum, and studying with the OU for the last 18 months to try and get a better paid job so I just have to do the one.

I have been unwell on and off for the last 4-5 months with an endless stream of viruses, my mental health is crap - I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and feel guilty, hopeless and complete failure all the time.

The light at the end of the tunnel was my plan to relocate and downsize. I would half my mortgage, be debt free and be able to work a normal job and have the time and energy for hobbies and a social life. I've had to pull out of an evening course and a weight management programme recently and am on the verge of parking my studies as with being ill I just haven't been able to keep up. I hate leaving the house when I'm not working and have no energy for anything other than TV and doomscrolling when I'm at home.

However, this move would be 200 miles from my mum. She is 86, has several health niggles but is physically and mentally able to look after herself. Emotionally however she is very needy and not above manipulation, emotional and financial blackmail/control tactics. I've suggested she moves with me (to her own place/assisted living) but she won't for the sake of the two close friends and 'fancy man' she has here.

Now I'm starting to get the ball rolling with plans to move she has ramped up the emotional blackmail and is already making my life hell. I know it will get worse if I go - there will be dramas every five minutes the necessitate me hooning up and down the motorway.

I could downsize where we live currently but it's about so much more than that. I'm 50, I want a totally different lifestyle. My home town has changed over the years in ways I don't like and although I've lived here since childhood I've never really felt that I fit.

I don't want to wait anymore. Every summer for the last several years I've come back from visiting the place I want to move to and though 'maybe by next spring I won't have to factor mum into the decision' but every year we're in the same boat. I do love her and there is good in our relationship but I am exhausted and burnt out and I just want to move forward and make a better life for myself.

I was in tears down the phone to her this morning about how exhausted and unwell I feel, and all I got was a lecture about how everything might go horribly wrong if I move and a threat of being cut out of my remaining inheritance (she's already changed her will to reduce my share to 50% which is one of the reasons I want to move - I need to safeguard my financial future as best I can as I don't have a pension).

I don't know what I want from this massive rant - I've been in tears all day, feeling totally trapped and like I may as well give up any hope of living life for myself - if it wasn't for my daughter, I'm not sure I'd even want to keep trying at the moment,

Exactly.

No one is guaranteed an inheritance even with the best of intentions - and I wouldn't be that surprised if she chips away further regardless of any necessity.

To be fair to her she has helped me out considerably financially over the years which I really appreciate, but obviously that is a double edged sword. Another bonus of moving is I would be in a position where I never need her help again.

The extra information you have shared is really helpful. You can’t afford to live where you live now. It’s that simple. Sorry Mum. I can’t afford my bills at this house, so we are going to move.

I have no doubt that all of those difficulties your mum has experienced are true and have been really hard. And of course they are nice bits about her or you wouldn't be so torn, you'd say fuck that. But those issues are not yours to salve or solve. You can't fix it for her, you can only fix it for yourself. She isn't silly, she will see your situation and know how much the potential of that inheritance will change things for you. That's not a very nice or loving thing to do. You've been trained to meet her needs from when you were tiny. Of course it feels impossible.

Move OP. It's the only way you can save yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's not a horrible thing to do. You deserve health and happiness.

Go and live your life. Your mother has support and resources. You can't be all things to everyone whilst neglecting yourself. Put yourself first, no one else is going to.

Thank you for all the replies.

The support means so much - I thought I'd get my arse handed me for selfishly abandoning her.

🎯

OP, I'm pretty sure I remember your threads from when your father was unwell, it is the mention of the "fancy man" (a former carer?) which reminded me.

As others have said, you have no guarantee of any inheritance at all. If your mother ends up in a care home that will massively reduce anything you may receive and you have no guarantee otherwise that she won't change (or hasn't already?) changed her will again to benefit the fancy man. I am sure you are not, but don't let her hold that over you. Ultimately, that may not even be within her control.

I've done this too.

Mum died 2022. Cared for Dad from afar until falls and confusions started. Dementia diagnosed. Further progression chose to live with us and we would take him home to stay to do things he enjoyed. Within those 18 months he spent over 2 in hospital for various infections, and had continued falls and a progression in his dementia and moving to 24/7 care and me going nowhere. Hes now in a home. But I am PA - I have to clear out his house and sell it and visit. So I'm still tied in many ways.

This too will pass (if I don't fall off my perch first).

You should move OP and if your DM doesn't go with you it doesn't mean she can't later on. You are an independent woman who is unwell and has a way to make things better, no brainer really.

If you move and change and your mum changes her will to leave everything to your daughter would your dd take all the money?

Does she know what's going on? Would she not split the inheritance with you?

What made her change her will from the lump to your dd?

Just go OP . You are exhausted and you don’t want another 10yrs going by to be in the same situation. I’m not there yet but I will not be a carer for my mum who I have had a fractured relationship with my whole life . I’ve just retired and now it’s my time to travel and concentrate on me after a lifetime of working . No amount of emotional blackmail will prevent me living my life as I want .

You absolutely have to put your own health first.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
What was your DM doing when she was your age, living her best life I bet?

You’re assuming the DD does as she is told and bows to the emotional blackmail sufficiently to not be disinherited herself.

OP honestly anyone using inheritance for control deserves to be abandoned. I’d push mine in the canal if she started that crap with me. Either leave it or don’t, but don’t use it as a lever to get your own way. People should be there through love not some purchased obligation conditional to later payment.

Has your Mum got Attendance Allowance?My 88 year old aunt gets around £100 per week. She has a ‘personal assistant’ once a fortnight who cleans very thoroughly. She lives alone in s ground floor flat and is very lucky to have a fantastic neighbour.

DD is at uni on the first stage of what will be a lengthy and expensive career path. Mum
says she wants to mitigate some of the student loans/give her a chance of getting on the housing ladder (as do I of course and would have factored helping her out into my inheritance had I been in line to receive the original share).
Sadly mum did not feel the same way about me going to uni - told me I wouldn't manage financially (back in the days of grants) and that she and dad wouldn't be able to help me financially or physically if I needed it - basically terrified me into submission. When I instead opted for a year long vocational course, staying in the next county Mon-Fri, also threw a tantrum of epic proportions. I ended dropping out after a few months (not mum related tbf).

Every time I've tried to get away or improve my career prospects she's been the little voice of doom whispering in my ear.

Her other reason is that I have had some issues with finances and debt and she's helped out me out a few times over the years with these. A combination of financially abusive marriage, time out to be a carer for Dad (and to a lesser extent, Mum after he died), not wanting to see DD go
without through aforementioned marriage and post-divorce. I also have ADHD and this has affected my impulse control and decision making - I was only diagnosed a year ago
so I suppose you could say that part is my fault.
She thinks I would spend everything. I've never fucked up financially with big stuff - mortgages and bills always paid, cars insured etc. Just tends to be lots of little things that add up every few years. I'm admittedly a bugger for spending money on hyperfixation then ending up with boxes of unused materials all over the place.

@Salome61 yes, she gets enhanced AA.

You have 1 and a half jobs and are doing an OU degree. No wonder you are overwhelmed.

Your mum's needs are only going to increase I think op. Add into that regularly driving 400 miles to visit/support and you're going to snap.

The joy of OU is you can pause it at any time and pick up later. Can you take a step back at work (especially if you're not getting paid any more for the additional responsibility)? Would your job be transferable or is that something you will need to sort too?

That said, you are not responsible for your mum's care, support and MH. I couldn't manage living 2 miles away from mine before she died, and she wasn't even significantly 'poorly'.

There's no way of tweaking my job - it's a very intense (non teaching) student facing role in a large secondary school.

I realise that makes me sound pathetic as of course I have the school holidays off but that means I need the second job (also at school but 0 hours contract) financially and I am so knackered by the holidays I just spend them recovering and trying to catch up with all the domestic stuff I can't manage in term time.

Im in a similar situation. Mine is nearly 89 but I am moving this year. I have spent long enough being miserable living in the wrong place. I don't get on with her and she has been quite vile to me at times leading to lengthy periods of estrangement. I have never been a priority in her life. Move, be happy. Life is too short to martyr yourself for other people.

@EleventyThree I would like to thank you for this advice. Very simple in its way but it really resonated with me and I plan to actually write it out and read it through a few times. Already it has helped clear something in my own mind so thank you 🙂

Are you related to me, OP? This sounds like a familiar situation that has played out in my family. I've seen the family pressure and guilt trap relatives into staying in the village where they were born, grew up, worked, raised a family and are still there now, despite it being consumed by the dubious town that has swallowed up the buffer villages in between. I have already told my mother that's what is happening to her, and that I don't think that she will ever leave because she is too enmeshed with the place and the family, despite the fact that she wants to get out.

I shocked my family by leaving the village. It was made out to me like our family couldn't exist on the outside, and that I'd soon come running back with my tail between my legs. However... my mental health is SO much better, and the distance leaves less room for family pressure. If you can halve your mortgage, be debt free, be able to work a normal job and still have the time and energy for hobbies and a social life, it will be much better for your mental health. Just be warned that moving is stressful in the short-term, but it is worth it in the end if you're in an area and a mental place that you are happier with. Plus, if you've upped and left already, that's one less thing for her to guilt trip you about, especially if you stay there and tell her that you're not moving back (something I did. It took several attempts, and over a year, but it is now an accepted fact). The guilt trips are thick and fast at first, but do peter out as time goes on. You don't need to discuss that you are moving with your mother until the time comes for you to sell your house. Unfortunately, due to work, you will not always be available, either by phone or in your ability to drive to her house. Does she have neighbours that might be able to help? Either way, a helpful list of phone numbers for your mother's GP, a cleaning company, a company for carers, etc. should be left somewhere.

Your mother could live for years... and so could you, but do you really still want to be stuck there for the next 10-15 years, possibly in a house that will be worth less than you paid for it if your town is changing (depending on circumstances)? Do you want to be that elderly person sitting in a chair and thinking, I wish I'd done X, Y and Z when I had the chance? YOU are important, and should not be guilt-tripped and manipulated into being your mother's doormat. I know that it's hard, but your situation is stressful, it's already making your life miserable, and the stress of it it will end up killing you/eating you up if you're not careful.

You get one life, OP. Live it on your terms, and whatever you do, don't turn into your mother and inflict this situation on your DD when you're 86!

I love my dad and have a good relationship with him but I was ruthless and moved abroad

i have felt guilt but also quiet determination to live my own life and do for him what I can but there are limits

i moved him into sheltered accommodation, arranged social worker etc

it is amazing how much you can do remotely these days

Don’t be beholden to your mum, and the way she tries to wield power over you with the inheritance threat is actually very useful: write this inheritance off, you may never see it and it may go to care costs anyway

you are tired so making decisions is harder, but right now you need to look after yourself first. It sounds like you are running yourself into the ground 😢

Do what is good for you, and the. For your mum around that. No need to run down the motorway for every crisis either.

ironically my dad got a lot more care from the council as his daughter (me) lives abroad so cannot be part of the care plan …

Just go, your mums being wicked to you & WW2 was 86 years ago, whatever issues she has aren’t going to resolve now.

Different circumstances, exactly the same here.

No-one who has worked in a similar role would think that’s pathetic.I used to be a secondary school teacher and clearly remember the feeling of limping on to each ‘holiday’ and then frantically trying to catch up in life in that time. Look after yourself OP, start putting yourself first.