Feel like I'm going to have to wait for mum to die so I can live

[Paperwhite209]

Just that.

We lost my dad coming up five years ago, I was on here back then. I took time out to care for him and mum afterwards (also because I was pretty broken with stress etc.)

Have been back working out of the home for 2.5 years now. Stepped up at work last year (in responsibility, not pay) - since then pressure on the area I work in has increased by about 30% and whilst I was a full time assistant to my predecessor, my assistant splits their time between me and another department so it's incredibly stressful and difficult to keep up. I also work a second job (same employer) so do at least one 13 hour day a week; no back up domestically or supporting mum, and studying with the OU for the last 18 months to try and get a better paid job so I just have to do the one.

I have been unwell on and off for the last 4-5 months with an endless stream of viruses, my mental health is crap - I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and feel guilty, hopeless and complete failure all the time.

The light at the end of the tunnel was my plan to relocate and downsize. I would half my mortgage, be debt free and be able to work a normal job and have the time and energy for hobbies and a social life. I've had to pull out of an evening course and a weight management programme recently and am on the verge of parking my studies as with being ill I just haven't been able to keep up. I hate leaving the house when I'm not working and have no energy for anything other than TV and doomscrolling when I'm at home.

However, this move would be 200 miles from my mum. She is 86, has several health niggles but is physically and mentally able to look after herself. Emotionally however she is very needy and not above manipulation, emotional and financial blackmail/control tactics. I've suggested she moves with me (to her own place/assisted living) but she won't for the sake of the two close friends and 'fancy man' she has here.

Now I'm starting to get the ball rolling with plans to move she has ramped up the emotional blackmail and is already making my life hell. I know it will get worse if I go - there will be dramas every five minutes the necessitate me hooning up and down the motorway.

I could downsize where we live currently but it's about so much more than that. I'm 50, I want a totally different lifestyle. My home town has changed over the years in ways I don't like and although I've lived here since childhood I've never really felt that I fit.

I don't want to wait anymore. Every summer for the last several years I've come back from visiting the place I want to move to and though 'maybe by next spring I won't have to factor mum into the decision' but every year we're in the same boat. I do love her and there is good in our relationship but I am exhausted and burnt out and I just want to move forward and make a better life for myself.

I was in tears down the phone to her this morning about how exhausted and unwell I feel, and all I got was a lecture about how everything might go horribly wrong if I move and a threat of being cut out of my remaining inheritance (she's already changed her will to reduce my share to 50% which is one of the reasons I want to move - I need to safeguard my financial future as best I can as I don't have a pension).

I don't know what I want from this massive rant - I've been in tears all day, feeling totally trapped and like I may as well give up any hope of living life for myself - if it wasn't for my daughter, I'm not sure I'd even want to keep trying at the moment,

@Jugendstiel I work in a state school Ina student facing role. When was offered my current job I checked with my predecessor and they were on the same pay. I also looked at comparable roles online and it checks out.

As the situation was at the time, it was worth taking the role without a pay rise for the experience and job title. Then within a short space of time things took a turn, and with new, inexperienced (but lovely and very committed) assistant we've just never been able to keep up. Management are aware and we've tried putting measures in place which have helped a little but due to staff illness - including my own - and other ongoing and random factors it's just not cutting it.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams yes I have been signed off for 10 days, Over the worst of the Covid and trying to get plenty of rest and eat well and take my meds and supplements regularly.

@BadlyFittedJackets I've been holiday in North and West Yorkshire since 2017 and wanted to move for the last nine years! I did a recce of both areas last year for my 50th and decided that Harrogate was the right place for me. I've reached out to local estate agents and keep an eye on Right Move but what I really need is to stop sitting on my arse browsing property and start actually sorting out my current house!

I hope you manage to fulfill your travel dreams.

@Paperwhite209 Move. Do it, and don't look back.
Guilt and manipulation will land you into a life that is no longer your own if you let it.

Gah, such a difficult situation! I think unless you've had an elderly and frail parent, it's hard to understand how draining it is. I'm honestly not sure what I'd do in your circs Op. It's so easy to say "just go", but the reality is something different. I moved away from my home town when my parents were in their 40's and healthy, so it was easy.

Our Mum died suddenly a few years ago, and it was instantly apparent that she did everything, and my Dad didn't know how anything worked. She did all the bills, banking, on line shopping, all the life admin. All of a sudden, me and my sibling were responsible for a man sized toddler.

Dad didn't want to stay in the family home, so we moved him to a retirement village. He did nothing to help with that move, other than get in the car! He thrived for a bit there, with me and my sibling spinning all the plates behind the scenes, but he is now (once again) in the grasps of alcoholism, and getting drunk every day, often soiling himself or falling out of his wheelchair. He's 84 and has been an alcoholic since the mid 1980's. I've no idea how his body keeps going!

He's back in hospital now, with more infections and heart failure, all exacerbated by the daily drinking. He took a bottle of wine in the ambulance! My sister swore that she wouldn't go to the hospital if he went in due to drinking, but in reality she is having to go, because we can't get any updates on the phone from the ward, as the nurses English is so broken. The hospital often give him antibiotics that he is resistant to, despite there being copious notes about this on his file. My sister has to check everything.

I don't live locally, so my input is limited to things that can be done from a distance. It's still exhausting.

On a side note Op, do you think your DD will visit you in Harrogate? She may gravitate back ti where you live now, as that's where her friends will be. Just a thought.

Hard blondie as you say. My mam is like another child to mind. Its hard. Op you can only do what you can.

My sister and I looked after my mother for 8 months,taking it in turns to stay over

Don’t regret it for a minute,but it was our choice,no way would Mum have put us under pressure
Be true to yourself and do what you want to do ,and put all thoughts of inheritance out of your mind

@Blondiebeachbabe o ly just seen these last few posts. I'm so sorry you and your sister are going through all that.

DD is at uni and has no intention of coming back to home town. Her friends are all at unis spread out round the country and none of them planning to come back next year/permanently. She'll come back to visit her dad but our relationship is much closer (and her cat lives with me 😁)

She's already been comparing costs of train and coach fares from London to Leeds!

Presume that's your daughter and not your mum :) That's lovely and lots of opportunities in that part of the world these days, not just in London.

2026 - new year, make it happen !