Silent treatment on holiday

[Onlyadaughter]

Well this is fun. On a cruise with my elderly mother and we had a fall out earlier. I'd already explained that I would be needing time to do some reading/meditation/journaling etc (am going through some stuff which I can't discuss with her but need to do this stuff). 2 days in and I was lying on the bed, eyes closed headphones on listening to a guided meditation when she started loudly going on about something. I ignored her for a bit but she kept on and I lost my shit. I shouldn't have but I'm sick of feeling that I'm not allowed to have time for myself.

So now she's giving me the silent treatment. She did angrily tell me that she'll speak to me "when she's ready which is probably never" and said I was like mini Hitler and treated her like a child (odd because this is how I feel she treats me). Now not speaking at all but I'm quite enjoying being able to read in peace!

She's really not happy though and I'm the bad guy again. Anyone else deal with this kind of stuff from their parent? I'm not intending on going anymore holidays with her. I went with a friend earlier this year and the difference was day and night.

Oh god that’s exactly what my mum would say “I just can’t do anything right”.

Yes DARVO indeed. Haha I've joked about pushing her overboard a bit, tempting.

I'll check out the meditation app thanks. Don't have access to YouTube or Spotify here unfortunately. I'm going to read the children of emotionally immature adults book too, think that might be helpful.

My sibling is married with kids so doesn't get the holiday talk. They once said they thought about asking her for 5 minutes then decided against it. She was going on about Japan a country I'd love to visit but no way am I going with her.

She's lying in bed taking photos with her camera of her favourite 60s musician on her phone and was wanting my opinion on something about said person. I told her I have no interest. She kept on at me, begging. I told her no. Then I said she cares more about what these people are doing than her own kids and does she know anything about what's going on in my life? Nothing. Yes I keep a lot to myself now as it would be used as a weapon previously.

Funny enough I don't remember her doing the silent treatment thing when I was younger, it's a more recent development, since my dad died.

Is this a new incident or the original fallout? I get that you find her annoying but you sound incredibly rude - “I have no interest”!! And then going off on a rant! I think you need to take a closer look at your communication skills; the way you talk to your mother is really unpleasant.

This is why I stopped going on holiday with mine!

Sharing a room makes it even worse as there’s nowhere to escape to and little privacy. I used to take very long baths or showers twice a day so I could lock myself in the bathroom but that might not be an option on the ship? I’d also be forever popping to the shop to get something to keep out of the way.

I eventually realised this wasn’t a good use of my annual leave. There are holidays for older people they can go on, no need to have someone to go with.

I totally agree! I’m afraid OP doesn’t sound like an easy person to get on with. Presumably her mother is lonely now her DH has died and enjoys having someone to chat to. OP doesn't want to share details of her own life with her DM (fair enough) but then taunts DM for not knowing enough about her!

You complain about her talking and then complain about her being silent. You could improve things if you wanted to

I'd get told off for having a long shower probably. I just got told off for eating a few sweets, that I'd spoil my dinner 🙄 I said I'm in my 40s and on holiday and I'll do as I like. Things are better today though we had some time on the outside deck and I was able to chill uninterrupted for a bit and also had a swim and jacuzzi. Going to read a bit now.

Honestly if’d just take advantage of the silent treatment, try to enjoy it and do nothing to break it. Don’t reward her selfish behaviour

I don’t understand how lying on your bed with headphones in and eyes closed gives any impression other than “I’m chilling and don’t want to be interrupted”

id have fucking relished the silent treatment and left her too it!

I took her on the cruise because she's got nobody else to go with

It's not your problem that she has nobody to go away with. You don't have to provide solutions. Don't spend your precious holiday time away with her if it makes you cross.

Your mum sounds like mine - emotionally immature, not self aware & doesn’t stop talking. This is the reason why I can only spend a maximum of 3 days with her as I start to loose my shit if I have to do anymore.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. It’s a manipulative tactic. Withholding communication can make the other person anxious, guilty, or desperate to “fix” things, giving the silent person control over the situation. It’s also used as a form of emotional punishment to make someone feel the pain of being ignored. It’s often a sign of resentment or unspoken anger.

It’s tempting to panic and try to ‘fix it - but that usually feeds the dynamic, it gives the silent person more power. Remind yourself: Their silence says more about their coping style than my worth’.

Don’t pander to it. Let her crack on with her childish behaviour. Take yourself off and keep busy. And don’t go on holiday with her again. Your relationship will be better for it.

My dad is a bit like your mum. Judgemental, critical and thinks he knows best. I'd never go on holiday with him in a million years. You don't owe her this much access to your life. See her, spend time with her, call her, support her but holidays? Sharing bedrooms? That's just way too much.

Just make it silly so your own mood isn't spoiled - with the sweets "I know, don't tell my mum she'll be furious!" etc. Yes it's annoying but no need to give it the power to get to you.

I’d find a hideaway spot somewhere on the ship and spend as much time there as possible.

I think it would be better if you took yourself off for a bit of alone time you’ve hogged the cabin then just expect her to sit there silent

This is why I won’t take my mum on holiday. She’s constantly trying. We have invited her before, but we’re going at the wrong time, or to the wrong place… she wants her holiday to be exactly what she wants.

Well what she wants is a skivvy. I’m not spending my annual leave and my money going somewhere I’m not interested in, to be a pack horse for Lady Violet!

would you like to have a close relationship with her?

You come across as rather reactive, and I wonder if she even knows what sort of conversation you could have with her? It also comes across as if you think there is nothing that you could do differently, which seems to me to not be the case.

Could it work better if you did your meditation in a different space.

What would happen if you responded to each negative sentence with “Mum, I don’t want to spend my time being nasty about people, are you aware that you do it?” Can you structure the time and conversation so that it doesn’t get to this.
But give immediate (calm and polite) feedback if the conversation is getting out of hand.
What age are you both?