Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

@NotTheMrMenAgain I'm so sorry to read your post.

It can be very hard to predict when a death is going to occur.
If someone is still drinking, they can linger for weeks. Not eating doesn't matter so much at all, but even a very limited fluid intake can mean that life is still supported. That doesn't go on indefinitely, of course.

Has your mother got a syringe driver in situ yet? Is she able to talk?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne Thank you for replying. DM is still talking a bit, but most of it is too quiet and jumbled to understand - I think her speech is failing. But, weirdly she will occasionally say something much louder and clearer - a couple of days ago she suddenly focused on me and said “How much did you have to drink, then?!” I told her I’d had loads, so much that I threw up in the bath tub, and she laughed. And then she drifted away, again.

I don’t know about a syringe driver, she doesn’t have anything like that. The nurse at the home said it would be patches and then injections, right near the end.

@NotTheMrMenAgain 💐

@NotTheMrMenAgain 💐

@CaroleKing the rehab unit my DM was in was very similar. A bit more spacious than the hospital wards DM had been on. But otherwise there was no more offered than in the main hospital. No encouragement to do physio. No encouragement to get out of bed.

Once they concluded that DM wasnt going to get better then we were under notice to get a place in a care home sorted.

I'm not sure they lie. I think it is a Polyanna-ish (the best of all possible worlds) collective delusion. There is also a lot of what is least effort. For my DM least effort was not pushing her to engage in any rehab activities.

I’m so sorry. You sound like your head has rationalised and accepted that this is your DM’s final stage but your heart isn’t there yet. Because there’s a part of your brain that’s still sending out “red alert” signals, releasing loads of adrenaline and cortisol, you’re experiencing extra anxiety and stress on top of the normal grieving. Would it be possible to try and work off the adrenaline by doing some exercise - even going for a walk round the block? That might help some of the physical symptoms.

My DM isn’t yet at this stage so I can’t advise from experience on what to do regarding visiting. I suspect a lot depends on how close you live, other family responsibilities, work etc. If the home is providing good care and is on board with your wishes then I’d talk to them and see what advice they can give - they may have resources for family of residents at this stage.

@GnomeDePlume Well - perhaps misleadingnesses would be more accurate. I do get that they are madly under resourced and under pressure - well with the way they spoke to us sometimes you could hardly miss it!

@NotTheMrMenAgain I am sorry you are going through this.

My Dad was terminally ill and yes in private, especially at night, I sobbed, I raged, I went through every emotion. It’s actually the grief cycle and in retrospect it meant I had already processed a lot of my grief before my Dad died.

Just know what you are feeling is normal and hold onto the fact you are doing your best for your Mum. No one can accurately predict how long it will take but the care home staff will know when she is near the end.

💐

I'm so sorry @NotTheMrMenAgain She sounds like a lovely mum.

Apologies for message up threads….lead nurse kept on me and writhing a

This should have read took me aside. However the gist of the post seemed to make sense.

There was zero writhing.By this point we are all too tired 😴🙄

Goodness what a fantastic lot we are. We may not measure up to parents expectations but my goodness we try. 💐

@NotTheMrMenAgain I’m so sorry. I think talk to your Mum’s GP (and your own). Be very blunt about how hard you are finding this. The question doctors often phrase this as is ‘would I be surprised if this person died in ? a month.’ See what they say.

@funnelfan Thank you for your kind message, that makes a
lot of sense.

@Harassedevictee Thank you for sharing your experience, it really helped. I’m sorry you went through it with your Dad.

@Mumbles12 Thank you, yes a lovely Mom - I’m lucky to have been so loved.

@PermanentTemporary. Thank you for the advice, I will do as you suggest. The GP will be seeing DM in person on Tuesday and the nurses at the home told me I could make a separate phone appointment to speak to him about DM afterward. So, I will use your phrasing.

Hello, not something I have experienced. But i feel you are so lucky to have been loved by your mum and loved your mum so I can only imagine how hard this is for you to be going through.

Happy December everyone!

I wish I could say I was looking forward to Christmas, but mostly I have overwhelming sense of dread and sadness. I shouted at DPs yesterday on the phone - DM called up about their Morrisons order literally seconds after DF had emailed the same thing - they are both in a snit with me as I am refusing to order the industrial quantities of everything they want because it all backs up, goes off or is hidden somewhere by DF and then guess who gets to sort it out. Carers have been told to look out for out of date food, but it’s a vicious cycle as they buy far too much then use frozen things so the use by date is largely irrelevant. I am trying to get them to work back to what they actually need on a weekly basis to make it manageable but of course this is an impossibility.

Honestly I am a breath away from telling the social care worker to move them onto Wiltshire Foods which they have tried and don’t like.

<Sigh> at least I have a nice chocolate every day as I bought the Hotel Chocolat advent calendar for myself using the gift card my old team gave me as a leaving present, back in the days when I had a job and actually earned money as opposed to burning up my meagre savings so DPs can hoard theirs allegedly for inheritance but mostly about control.

Anyway focus for this month - push to get DFs memory assessment done as this apparently will help if he gets an official dementia diagnosis ( except knowing my luck they will probably say he is fine and dandy) and don’t answer DPs calls immediately - let them go to voicemail so I can answer when I am in the right mood ( this is likely to be December 2026).

@rookiemere Happy December to you too. I couldn’t run off so a bit of a hand hold and a hug. It’s just rotten isn’t it. That nagging sense of sadness and frustration.

Glad to hear you have your chocolate treat each day.

God luck with the assessment. Not to be negative but I went down this road with our mother a few years ago. I didn’t think she needed an assessment as she was just a more amplified version of her normal difficult self but one of my siblings demanded we get a ‘diagnosis and medication’. So I organised a consultation. She passed with flying colours. Dr suggested she do more things for herself such as ‘flower arranging’ or local groups. She looked at him as if he was mad. The reality is she has never had a hobby, zero interest in reading, too much of a snob for social clubs and so used to getting her own way by sulking she lacks any skills in coping with life. Lots of lies about appliances not working ‘except when you are here Blue, then they are fine’.

I hope you get a diagnosis so you can move on whatever that looks like. I do think we have to remember that their behaviour and attitude in old age generally reflects how they have always been. Keep us updated and remember to vent here when you need to.

Thank you @BlueLegumeI am hopeful he will fail a memory assessment- he didn’t do well on the memory questionnaire at the hospital- and then his diagnosis can change from delirium to dementia.

You are right as I don’t quite know what benefits this might bring, but as we are in Scotland I am working through the free care in the probably erroneous hope that at some point social care will say it’s not enough and he is a danger to himself and DM at home or he is deemed not to have capacity.

This will sound awful but the hospital kept going on about how physically well he was for 92, like that’s helpful when his mind is going.

@rookiemere oh yes the ‘oh are they marvellous for their age’🙄

Well if everything got done for me by my adult kids, including the emotional side and the constant worrying whilst I sat back and had meals provided, cleaning done, paperwork etc I am sure I wouldn’t look the ten years older than I should because of all the stress.

I know prolonging life has been possible because of medical science and pharma technology but a 90 year old brain is still 90 years old. It will fade and become confused.

🤞 for you.

Happy December.

My job for this week is to move things along with DM's bank, savings etc. DB has signed the LPA disclaiming form and I have it so that I can take copies and send it off. DB is a terrible prevaricator so all he had to do was sign the form. I had filled it out.

I need to check what the bank will do about the accounts as I dont want them frozen (care home fees to pay) while everything gets sorted.

Next step will be to get DM's house valued and make a plan for prepping it for sale. DM bought it about 10 years ago and DH (electrician) did the renovations. Hopefully the preparations will be mainly clearing and cleaning.

But at least it is all in my hands now.

Well the meeting was done. 4 hours of driving, 10 minutes at ER's house before we were told to get out, then 4 hours driving back home. Bizarrely (and unexpectedly) she's already phoned both her sons to apologise for the things she said to them, but I'll carry on playing my part as the evil DIL as she tells anyone who'll listen that I wrote her poisonous letters (I organised the bundle of deputyship paperwork, had pre-filled the easy bits about names/addresses etc and explained what she needed to do). She can be very manipulative and sharp for someone who's got brain damage, and she said some really nasty things about me and my parents, which has hurt a bit.

Now to organise Xmas, which she'll have to put up with me for as I'm the only driver...

Happy December all.

I can't remember when I last updated, but have been following along with recognition and sympathy.

DM is now in a care home, which is very nice, but expensive. The initial plan was for her to be there for 6 weeks, which will expire on New Year's eve. While she's being well looked after, I don't think they have managed to help her mobilise herself as yet, although there have been attempts. Mentally, she has not really improved and is plagued by what I would call paranoid psychosis - every conversation she overhears is presumed to be people plotting and/or arguing about her and/or her family and friends. It must be very frightening. She is also sending garbled text messages and phoning me at all hours, so I have taken to blocking her number overnight, which feels unkind, but I need to sleep. Although, between times, you can have a lucid conversation with her. Things will need to improve substantially for it to be feasible for her to return home.

DF is managing well at home and actually seems to have improved his mobility. I think it must be the daily trips to the care home, where he has needed to walk further than he usually would, and I am sure not having to spend hours persuading DM to take her medication or deal with her calling for him every couple of hours during the night has also helped. In addition, DB has been staying with DF for about a week now and has been doing about half of the visits, which has massively taken the pressure off me. He's going home again at the weekend, but says he'll be back once he's put his car through it's MOT.

I need to sign the contract for DM's care home and am a bit worried that there is a clause indicating that the signatory accepts liability for the costs. I am assuming that if I indicate clearly that I am signing as DM's LPOA, and not in a personal capacity, that will limit liabilities to DM's assets. If anyone knows different I would appreciate a heads up.

Generally the care home are really good at settling in new residents. In your case I would not stay too long. When I visited my mum, at leave time I used to say, in a breezy voice, ‘Shall we have a nice cup of tea? What cake do you want? This got me away without having to say goodbye.

She was in a Council Care Home and it literally saved her life. She was being severely neglected by her husband. She thought she was in her own home and was very happy there for 4 years.

@NDornotND As I recall (and I'm away from home, so I can't access the paperwork to check), I was advised to specify on the contract that I was signing as LPoA on behalf of the elderly person, and that I did not accept personal responsibility for the fees. I believe I made a notation next to that clause, which was initialled by myself and the care home representative, then added a clause at the signature indicating I was signing as LPoA and that the contract should be read as applying to <Elderly relative> rather than myself.

Thank you, this sounds wise.

Happy December all.
@NDornotND as well as noting on the contract that you are signing as LPoA I would also explain this to the care home manager before you sign, then send and e-mail or letter to the care home manager specifically stating that you will be signing the contract on behalf of Elderly Relative and not in a personal capacity, so as discussed you do not take any personal responsibility for payment of fees or other costs. That way no one can claim any misunderstanding of what you've agreed to- I'm a big believer in belt and braces when it comes to being in the hook for huge expenses!

Nothing has really moved on with my Mum. Brother is still determined that mum must be cared for by family and promising that she won't ever need to move out of her own home. She is still waiting for an appointment with the Memory Clinic but she's increasingly hearing things (usually people in the house, or voices saying nasty things about her) and getting worried about things that aren't real. She's also regularly having what I think can be best described as 'almost falls'. It's always early in the morning (usually before 6am), when she gets up to go to the loo, and she says she feels dizzy so she gets on the floor because she's scared of falling. Then she can't get up so she calls me and Brother. Sometimes she says she has fallen, or 'slipped' but there is never any sign of injury (and she bruises very easily so I would expect to see something if she actually fell). I don't think she's knowingly making it up but it does tend to happen when she's been worried about things or hasn't had much company so I can't help thinking at some level she persuades herself she's fallen so that someone will come running regardless of the time or anything else that's happening. She usually calls Brother first as he lives closer, so he goes to her. Then she calls me so I will talk to her whist she waits for Brother to arrive. There's then a discussion about which of us will stay with her for the rest of the day and a few days of extra attention. I'm really torn because I know she's frightened and, even if she's looking for attention in the moment, she really does believe she's in danger of a bad fall. However, I feel that dropping everything to run over is enabling her (and Brother) to get the company/help she evidently needs without having to address the difficult question of whether she should be living alone any more.

She's also getting increasingly stressed if she can't contact me by phone immediately. If I don't answer, and don't call her back within a few minutes she's started calling friends and relatives telling them that she needs to speak to me and I won't take her call/she's worried that there's a problem with her phone that means she can't call me. So I've come out of work meetings to find loads of missed calls and texts from relatives asking me to call Mum urgently, or had to pull over when I'm driving because the phone's ringing constantly, only to find that Mum just wanted a chat. I've tried to explain to friends and relatives what's happening but I know she'll have called them in distress and the probably assume it's something really urgent and I've been ignoring her calls for days.

I've told Brother that I think we really need to consider whether she needs a different sort of living arrangement if she is ending up having to be picked up off the floor so often but he is of the opinion that there must be some physical cause and we just need to find it and get her he right medication then she'll be fine again.

I went over on Saturday to do some cleaning for her, empty her bin and take her some shopping she'd asked for (which essentially takes all day, because it's a couple of hours drive each way on top of the time spent with her) only to find Brother watching YouTube videos in bed in her spare room. Apparently he was tired and needed a break from parenting, so I'm starting to see why he's so opposed to Mum living elsewhere.

Sorry, that's become a mammoth post but it's so helpful to get it all out, and I'm trying to avoid all my conversations with DH and the DC revolving around what's happening with Mum (for my own sanity- they are very supportive)