Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

In my Brother's case I think it's partly because he doesn't want to accept that Mum's situation is not temporary. He's been very reliant on our parents for all his adult life so I think at some level he's still trying to convince himself mum just needs looking after for a bit then she'll be 'better' and normal service can resume. I'm pretty sure there's also an element of control. He has made it very clear that he expected me to step in to the role my parents had in his life but I haven't done so this is one way he can make things harder for me.
I know it's also partly his personality. He truly believes he's smarter and more knowledgeable than everyone else so won't listen to advice. Then when doing things his way goes wrong he blames everyone else and expects someone else to sort everything out. I've previously learned not to get involved but as I need to deal with him to support mum (she won't do anything without checking with him) I can't avoid it.

Had another 'difficult' text talk with DB today, we seldom speak in person.

DB doesnt want to formalise the finance LPA. He wants to carry on masquerading as DM as he has been doing up until now. Formalising the finance LPA would mean registering it with her bank and with NS&I. As we are joint attorneys we would have to act together (eg sign cheques). There will also come the point where we have to put DM's house on the market.

I cannot see any point where DB and I will be able to agree on what to do. I think DB is being a fool and will get caught out at some point. He thinks that DM agreeing to things is the same as her having capacity. She doesnt know who he is (sometimes thinks he's her DF, sometimes her DH, sometimes her DB) so is quite possibly just agreeing with whatever he says.

So I am thinking to withdraw as attorney for finance but continue for H&W as we are joint and severally for that.

@roundaboutthehillsareshininggood luck for the trip tomorrow. At least once it’s done, then you can stop dreading it.

@GnomeDePlumethat seems like a sensible idea to remove yourself from financial POA. I do recall you saying that DB will use funds for their correct purpose but his way of doing it is odd, so removing stress for yourself is good.

DH is going up to DPs to see how the new combined care package is going for DF and DM. Badly I expect. I have also asked him as the care manager is there as part of the meeting to find out what their policy is on abuse and specifically racial abuse. Thus far DF has ignored the carers as they are there for DM, but now they will be preparing meals for both of them and checking his meds. I feel very guilty not going myself but DH is happy to do it as it won’t be a fun visit.

@rookiemere I hope the meeting goes okay.

Something which worried me before DM went into her CH was her previous casual racism. However, since being in the CH where her carers are from many ethnicities, I have not seen a single incident of it. Not sure of the reason for this but I am glad of it.

DB has been panicked by me wanting to come off the financial LPA and has asked me to reconsider. It is looking like the CH are getting ready to apply for DOL to move DM to the secure dementia wing. This will force DB's hand regarding formalising the LPA situation.

In a turn up for the books, now that it comes to it, DB doesnt want to deal with DM's finances and is going to be the one to withdraw from the LPA. I will get this in writing at the weekend before he changes his mind.

You don’t have to register the LPA with the banks immediately- I haven’t done so with one of DMs. I’m nominated with her current account anyway so have a card.

Also why not change it to be joint and several attorneys? Which is what DB and I have done so we can act independently. In reality that means me of course.

@BestIsWest I couldnt see a way that we could change the LPA to joint and severally. So far as I could see, now that DM doesnt have capacity it cant be changed.

Happy to know different.

However, from his text this morning, I think DB just wants to drop the whole financial responsibility.

Wow!
I bet you weren't expecting that Gnome.

Sounds like he was worried he would have too much actual work @GnomeDePlume!

Or someone in authority would realise that he's been masquerading as his mother without any authority.

Reading the thread I was about to suggest that you actually report him @GnomeDePlume as you don’t want to be held liable for anything he’s doing; but having read your latest post, I think that’s the best outcome!

Well bit of a mixed bag from DHs visit to DPs. DF was going to refuse all care, but was persuaded to allow them to check his blood sugar levels and administer his insulin going forward.

I don’t think the food situation will get any easier at all. DH took DF out to get shopping and DM has given us a long list of foods that require oven cooking or boiling vegetables ( so can’t be prepped by the carers) and DF will continue to sort himself out in his own nebulous fashion. If I could just throw everything out from their rotten stinking fridge and start from scratch ordering only what they need as opposed to stocking up in preparation for a national 2 week shut down, it might just be possible to bring some sense and do ability to the whole thing. Instead it’s like managing toddlers who somehow have autonomy without any real capacity.

DH asked DF if he wanted to go into a home, apparently he is absolutely fine and doesn’t know what the fuss is all about.

DH didn’t manage to talk to care manager about their racial abuse policy. I expect we will find out what it is soon.

Latest drama is district nurse phoned me to say they were worried DF might be overdosing DM with her medication so they wanted to put it in a locked box. Excellent all good I ordered two locked boxes as instructed to be delivered tomorrow. Except meantime carer arrives and cannot open box for DMs medication as district nurse has taken the key. Of course the first person they phone is me in Edinburgh. I told them to phone the district nurses and hopefully they will sort it out between them. DH tells me not to worry and it’s not my problem but it kind of feels like it is and this sort of thing will keep happening with so many people in their house.

Sorry I meant to say district nurse left temporary locked box.

Oh and just got an email to say I didn’t get the job . I did expect it as with everything going on I didn’t have time to prep properly and pitch my answers at the right level. But I do have the other role due to start in February so it’s not the end of the world.

Sorry about the job, but hopefully the interview was good practice to “keep your hand in”.

@rookiemere hey their loss. Look after yourself and keep talking on here.

Oh @rookiemere I think you did well to turn up to the interview with everything going on around you.

I am absolutely livid with MIL this evening. She's been doing her not eating thing again and DH said she really needed to eat or she'd make herself ill again like she was this last year when she was starving and confused. MILs response was she wished DH would show he loved her for once instead of telling her off.

DH visits her twice a day, takes her to the care home twice a week to see FIL, he takes her to a dayclub so that she has some mental stimulstion and he looks after all her finances, perscriptions, medical appointments and every other aspect of her life. Obviously thats not good enough for her. DH is really hurt.

@StillNiceCardigan you and your husband are never going to persuade his mother to eat, so I'd suggest you back off and simply ignore her eating habits (or lack of them).

I'm sorry about the job @rookiemere it's always a disappointment.

I'd be happy to leave her to it but DH just doesn't want to go back to when she had starved herself last year and she was completely confused all the time. She's been mostly ok for the last ten months or so.

Her current reason for not eating is she doesnt want to go to BILs for Christmas. She wants to spend Christmas with us. Hard lines we are away and she has two sons.

She's hoping to make herself unwell so that you will be worried enough not to go away and she can come to yours for Christmas .
My mil often threatens suicide if things don't go her way , and hard as it sounds , I just say ok and start another conversation .I
I tell myself it's her decision ( she hasn't tried to date ) and perhaps you should adopt that attitude as well , again her choice as to whether she eats or not .

I've suggested to DH that we should just leave her to it and then its her choice he just thinks about the fact that he'll have to deal the consequences. I'll have to keep working on him.

The reason we are away for Christmas for the first time ever is that last Christmas was so shit. FIL had just gone into a care home and we had MIL living with us because she had made herself crazy by turning her heating up to 30 degrees and not drinking anything for a week. We promised ourselves on boxing day that we would do something different the next year. Our DCs said go for it so we will be in a nice hotel being waited on and MIL can forget any change in plans.

Sort you didn’t get the job rookiemear, as another poster said, you did well getting to the interview all things considered.

sorry can’t remember who has just posted about being away at Xmas but it’s a great idea, just focus on the prize, only a few more sleeps :-)
much drama today as DF took a fall with his new knee, smacked his head on counter edger going down and bust open his clips. Cue ambulance and A&E. After 12 hours he’s on a ward and will have surgery in morning to find extent of damage and then repair. I suppose I’m probably being too optimistic to hope they’ll decide not to discharge him straight after.

Reading all updates… really feeling for your DH @StillNiceCardigan. Completely understandable how hurt he is and that he wants to try to avoid his M’s self sabotage of last year. I hope you stick to the hard line.

I do sometimes wonder if my ds’s generation (currently 21) will be different about drinking when elderly due to the constant banging on about hydration at school and their water bottle habits. Im 56 and I remember being told off a lot about drinking too much in weird ways - my mother told me not to ‘drink down my food’, and all public fountains were unusable, broken or disgusting including the school ones which were turned off after a couple of kids got broken teeth from
bullies smacking people’s faces into them when drinking. But ds’s lot I imagine with their Stanley cups etc even at 90.

I'm sorry about the job @rookiemere . That you even made it to the interview was testament to your resolve.

@StillNiceCardigan hell's teeth, that is so manipulative of your MIL. You should have your Christmas as you want it.

@NattyKnitter116 is there a rehab type unit in your area? My DM spent some time in one after her broken hip was nailed. The theory was that people would get physio before being discharged. The reality was that it bought time to work out next steps by family/social services.