Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

My sister has taken my mum to a hospital appointment today which means I can get some things done at home. She really does need to do more especially as she’s now moving away and complains though now when living 5/6 miles away. She’ll be 40 miles away when she moves and her youngest (late 20s) is going with her so less people around to help. Some guff about it being the only place they could afford but I don’t believe that. At the moment I’m basically whatever Amanda, fuck you. Aren’t you lucky you have a sibling who will pick up your slack because you have a “proper job”🙄

FIL has moved into a care home for two weeks respite today. So relieved and this will hopefully a) give us all a bit of breathing space and b) make MIL realise how much better it is for both of them and make it a permanent move.

@TupperwarelidI hope you get a much deserved break.

I’ve now made an official complaint to Social services about the care agency. Mum phoned me to say the freezer door had been left open all night. She didn’t go in the freezer yesterday and the carer made her dinner. So I need to go up tomorrow now and empty it all out then restock it. Why mum didn’t tell my sister this morning I don’t know.

Sometimes I wish I had siblings then I read posts like @Dormitand realise it may not be the panacea one would wish for !
So I came up in the end and I am glad I did. Nurse responsible for arranging safe discharges got me in a private room and asked me a lot of questions about DFs physical and mental health. I reiterated the driving and she said she would do something about that. He has also had a CT scan but no results yet. It feels like a huge relief that DFs memory is no longer my burden to disclose, although lord knows if he will accept any of the proposed support.

Have bought DM a stock of her favourite ready meals and I am up to hers to put them in the fridge so carers can microwave them for her. Ironically both DM and DF are eating well as someone else preparing it.

Hoping I can do my interview tomorrow.

@Dormit You have my sympathy. DH is an only child and often used to say he wished he had a sibling so that, even if they didn't necessarily get on all the time, there would be someone else to share the practical and emotional problems of caring for a sick parent (FIL was very ill for a long time). He's changed his mind now he's seen how Brother keeps making unreasonable promises to mum and expecting me to keep them. When your sister moves away are there any tasks you could ask her to do remotely (eg. organising carers, organising a food delivery etc) so at least you can take those off your list?

@bigbootsweather yep I have a brother who is ‘Son of the Year’ in front of social services. Lots of word salad ‘I ring her daily’ - doesn’t and I do not expect him to. ‘I have CBT organised and appointments’. Does not and I do not expect him to. He decided several years ago that our mother had ‘issues’. He got her put on AD medication but didn’t tell my sister and I.

We eventually organised a proper consultation with a ‘care of the older person’ consultant. They found zero issues with her. She is simply and always has been difficult.

When we asked our brother what he hoped from the consultation-which I add I organised, he simply replied with ‘ well a diagnosis and medication Blue’.

He has definitely been blindsided by this behaviour, and it is behaviour. It is performative and attention seeking.

To summarise, my sibling is a liar. Maybe not a malicious one but a delusional one who thinks having SS involved is beneath his status. We need their help. We are not qualified to deal with whatever is going on with our mother.

Thankfully my father is safe, warm, well fed and cared for by absolutely amazing people in his nursing facility. These people are just fantastic.

@rookiemere yep, one sibling is abroad and the other stopped talking to everyone quite a few years ago.
i am at least grateful no-one is sticking their oar in or making promises they don't keep!

DH is very helpful and supportive. And talks me down when I see red! There's iirc a Hindu festival (a colleague told me about it) where the women get together and pray for the health of their husbands - some of us here might be joining in next year lol!

Sorry to
burst in uninvited.

Not a day has passed in 16 years I haven’t had a call-that-gives-me-a-job re demented DM. I’m too tired to list the police, SS, medics etc etc who hv been involved. She’s now in a care home too far away to visit.

Please could someone give me their tips on reducing the strain and damage to my life for the next decade? I’m exhausted.

I’m thinking of getting a dedicated
phone, for a start. Bats phone for dm only. On once a day for an hour.

The hard thing is knowing when that stage moves from one to the next, although I guess it’s easier if viewed retrospectively?
For me the hard thing is knowing mine are close to that stage but not being able to convince them and others in family they need to have some help.
They have been at the needing help stage for five years at least and I’ve suspected my DF in early stages of dementia for last few years, which has got worse recently after a stroke and some other traumatic injuries (fell off a ladder). He recently had knee surgery and has ended up in hospital longer than anticipated (not listening to to the physio and ignoring instructions, trying to walk without assistive aids etc) and the latest thing is something they’ve described as cognitive confusion which apparently can happen after traumatic surgery.
Parents have pretty much buried their heads in the sand and refused all and any help unless it’s ’family’. It would be a difficult situation even if I didn’t feel ambivalent about them due to my upbringing (we were very much ‘accessories’, they veered from inconsistent and irresponsible to autocratic at best and controlling, physical punishment and fights at worst). Oddly I seem to be the only person in the family that remembers this as a ‘not good’ thing, the rest of them joke about it as if it’s something to be proud of. Makes for great family gatherings as you can imagine. I do my best to avoid those nowadays and just wear the ‘she’s caused a rift’ and ‘why is she so sensitive’ badges occasionally.

Second phone sounds like a plan as you are decent enough to want to carry on being a point of contact. Good to hear your relative is in a care home. Another poster has just commented that she feels for those of us in the earlier stages. I admire the tenacity of people like yourself. Personally I don’t think I have it in me and am very tempted to just walk away and throw money at it from a distance.

@Supersimkin7welcome to the club nobody wants to be part of !

Can you speak to the care home about reducing access to her phone, or keep the calls short?

I mean she is being looked after and nothing she will be talking about is life threatening, well life threatening for her - I would think the ongoing stress and mental burden is not very good for your health.

If mine do make it into a care home, I plan on taking a huge step back at least until I get a modicum of equilibrium back.

Oh and @Supersimkin7I just got it - bats phone - made me chuckle .

Getting very irritable at the moment as I feel I'm doing all the heavy lifting on solution finding at the moment. Mega busy morning today, 95% of which is entirely because DH can't drive. I worked out him collecting my car keys from the garage (5 minutes walk) so I can collect car drive straight to Sainsbury's after driving his van to a job in the village will save me a few minutes (you know what village businesses are like for chatting). He decided he needed to understand exactly whether it really saved me time. He got snarled at the he doesn't need to understand just do it. After goldenballs thinking I should spend several hours trying to resolve a problem that is causing him hassle when he isn't prepared to make a phone call about it pushed me over the edge.

My DH does that countrygirl. All. The. Fucking. Time. I have to verbalise my whole thought process to him to justify it. Told him the other day I refuse to do that any more.

@Isitsticky he realised he'd made an error and shot out of the house!

Although that doesn't irritate me as much as when he says "I was thinking of ....." and I say fine/good idea and then he goes on and on and on about why. I usually have to shut it down by saying "now you point that out maybe it's not a good idea"

@Supersimkin7 yep, scheduling and time boxing.
I worked out that I needed to go down for a day every fortnight to see my elderly relative and to exchange texts every day or the spinning plates would wobble and crash.
It's a bit of an odd situation bc we only used to see each other twice a year, tops.
But this (broadly speaking) means I can make plans for the rest of my time with only a low risk of a crisis erupting.

I do miss my Mum. She died years ago. Bless her, she ended up caring for three of older generations (WWI having screwed the demographics big time) and always said, "put me in a home if you have to!". Sigh.

Help !
My interview is at 12 - luckily just round the corner and it’s all falling apart.

DPs social worker called, then the hospital called to say they were planning on releasing DF today, then the carers company phoned to see if they could do a face to face meeting with me in DPs home town and asking details about DMs medication. I have told everyone that I am not available for overnight stays or to be a hands on carer, but nobody seems to listen or they make sympathetic noises and proceed to load me with more tasks and responsibilities .
Oh and I had a missed call from DM very early this morning that I then had to speak to her about- phoned by accident apparently.

I am in no fit state to go to an interview, but I want to make my own living and it’s part time and just round the corner. I need to buck myself up, but at the minute I just crumpling.

@rookiemere That sounds very stressful. My advice would be to put your phone on mute and not look at it until after the interview. If you can do some deep breathing/meditation. I find box breathing (in for 5 secs, hold for 5secs, out for 5 secs, hold for 5 secs and repeat at least 6 times) helps to calm me down. Then really focus on your interview. Once the interview is over, return to the chaos and see what you can do. I understand the need to work and make your own living is so important for your self esteem. You can do this.

Thanks @NDornotNDpractising the breathing just now.
Thankfully I went through some likely questions and prepared answers before all this fresh hell kicked off.

@rookiemere I hope the interview goes well. You’ve got this x

The cardiologist said my scan looked good so that’s a relief until I get the full results in a couple of weeks. I’m doing a little Christmas shopping whilst I’m in town getting mum’s shopping. She’s said something about yesterday not doing any good so I’m wondering what happened with her appointment. My sister isn’t clued up on mum’s health so might not have been particularly helpful. Nobody seems to understand her restrictions with mobility. Her spinal condition is critical and it’s amazing she can walk at all.

@rookiemere oh how stressful!
Put the phone on mute.
Completely ignore it.
Concentrate only on yourself.
Low, slow deep breaths.

Come on! You can do this! We're all rooting for you.

Rookiemere put the phone on mute and concentrate on yourself. You deserve this job and deserve to get the income it brings. If your working your not available for all the problems and other people and various services will have to step up.

You also need to consider that in paid employment you gaining NI stamps towards your state pension. You need to think of your own long term future as well.

Thank you team cockroach! I made it through the interview, answered all the questions and didn’t burst into tears so that counts as a win in my book.I have to say it feels nice to have smart work clothes and make up on. If I don’t get this one I do have a part time role lined up in February which I interviewed for before things got so bad.

@Iladyyou are right - I am one year short of my full NI stamp as well. I get so angry when DF talks about the massive inheritance they will leave, when I would rather just have the opportunity to earn my own money rather than eroding our own savings, and they can spend all that lovely money on care homes rather than donating it to the tax man when they go.

I certainly never intended not to be working age 55, maybe if I was able to waft around and enjoy it, it might be fun, but I prefer being in a work environment mixing with a variety of age groups.

Good luck, hopefully you made it. advice I was given a few years ago is not to be too available and its one reason why I’b
ve not retired yet as I could see myself being subsumed in to the dramas being created by sibling. Yes It means you are swapping one set of demands for another but at least one is getting you paid. I have a friend who does not need to work as she is actually on a disability pension, but she works to avoid being the defacto ‘go to’ person by SS and the like. If people can’t get hold of you they will either have to manage or get hold of the next person on the list. I know it sounds a bit brutal but if you have told them what’s what and they arnt listening then may find it effective to enforce the boundary with actions instead of words. Today my messages from sibling are silenced - despite my advice I lost sight of it over the weekend and was daft enough to unsilence the messages.