Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

My Dad was still driving some years ago, he must have been about 93 or 94 when he conceded he couldn’t do it anymore (he’s 97 now). He didn’t hit anyone but had a few scrapes down the car from the gatepost and had to replace a wheel where he’d misjudged a kerb so hard he bent the rim. Some days he will say he misses it, mainly the convenience, but he also enjoys it that everyone at the local taxi firm knows his name…

I'm not sure.

She didn't have the capacity to understand about the forms, just as she didn't have the capacity to realise that her driving ability was no longer of an acceptable standard.

He was just being a fool. He believed that his mother needed to be able to get to Tesco's and back, and to her bridge club and back etc.

I left that job round about then (for unrelated reasons) so I never found out if he was prosecuted.

He should have been IMO.

Bloody hell.

@Mumbles12that’s awful but im
glad you’re ok. My mum gave up driving during Covid at 81. The car failed its MOT and she couldn’t afford the repairs. Her reaction times were noticeably slower and she once took out someone’s wing mirror and didn’t even notice.
I’m back to waking around 5am worrying about my mum. She keeps saying she doesn’t feel well but it’s all so vague. It’s since having the heart problem and this cold. She’s a bit snuffly still but I can’t see how she’s feeling ill from that. She’s not used the saline nose spray I gave her to clear it though. She’s tired and more tired than normal but she’s on a lot of morphine and other medication plus she’s recently had surgery and is 86. I wake at 5 worrying that she’s going to die. When I’m with her she seems ok. I keep reassuring her that they’ve sorted her heart out and it’s no longer an issue now she’s on medication. She was worrying the medication wasn’t working but they had her on a heart monitor to make sure the medication wasn’t working and wouldn’t let her home until her heart was behaving. A lot of it is psychological with her and she has an appointment with talking therapy in a couple of weeks. I’m worried about the upcoming surgery too although it’s more straightforward than the last one. Even being there less isn’t stopping the worry and it’s having such an impact on me. I wish she’d be less passive and negative about things. She’s really improved in the last few weeks and the physio was really pleased but she just doesn’t see it. It’s so frustrating. The carers are still rubbish. There’s the odd good one but the usual ones are not the sharpest tools at all. They are supposed to be there for 30 minutes but are leaving after 10. They don’t have any initiative at all.

@Dormit, if she's on a lot of morphine and feeling snuffly and generally "unwell", is it possible she is experiencing some respiratory depression? It might be worth checking her O2 sats if you have a monitor or can ask at the pharmacy. The reduced respiratory drive and higher tolerance for CO2 caused by morphine can make people feel a bit "blurrg" and it may be she needs some tweaks to her painkilling regime.

She has an appointment privately next week with the pain management t specialist. It’s not a new amount of morphine as she’s been on it months now at this dose. Her bloods showed nothing untoward last week but she’s got an existing liver issue but it seems asymptomatic. Just something that appears generic in our family. She’s had a liver scan and I’ll check her notes later about that but she’s been discussed with the liver MDT before and they decided it was nothing to worry about. However, with her changed cognition she seems to have fixated on having had a liver scan and decided it’s the cause of her problems if it’s not her heart. She’s had lots of liver scans and it’s a non-issue and the referral to gastro this time isn’t urgent. She catastrophises a lot.

@Dormit the elderly mental health lady did help my elderly relative so fingers crossed they'll help your mum a little.

@countrygirl99 hugs, tea and biscuits.Do you have a friend IRL who you can share your DH worries with? It's so hard.

@GnomeDePlume a care home we used to visit had a keypad for the door to the outside. The residents were told the code.... but obvs if they could neither remember it, nor write down a reminder and use it, they probably weren't safe to go on solo trips out!
IIRC this was instigated after a resident made his way to the town 5 miles away and had no idea how...(Was he a hitchiker in his youth?!).

I have just done my elderly relative's tax return! #victory
The return itself was pretty easy, and only needed doing because she earns so much interest (!) - the worst bit was getting her account verified.
The ID app didn't think she looked like her (8 year old) passport picture, so there was a LOT of using credit file information instead.

I don't mind doing it! It's not that hard!
I could have done without her having meltdowns while I was getting on with it, because, er, ...she had so much money that she needed to do a tax return and someone was doing it for her... But I just cracked on and she cheered up later on, so all's well that ends well.

Hopefully proper government ID will help make this easier. Thank the lord her passport was still valid! It's really not a system designed with the frail, elderly and housebound in mind though. A friend cares for his Mum, and the sagas he goes through, because she (and why would she, at 96?) no longer has passport nor driving licence, my god!

Same here @MysterOfwomanY , my Mum has very little ID and that has put us through the loop with Barclays before now… Still can’t access DF’s account properly, was on the phone to them for an hour and a half yesterday and the bloke on the other end confessed himself stumped… we soldier on.

Hope your DH is OK @countrygirl99 , have they got to the bottom of it yet?

Solidarité all 🍷

Thanks everyone. GP theory is that his glucose monitor was faulty and showing readings that were too high and he's been taking too much insulin over a period so he's reduced the dose. His old device died Monday morning and the new one is showing lower readings despite the reduced insulin so that is possible. ECG today was fine and he's had a full suite of bloods taken. Once they are back the diabetes team will call him in for a review. He doesn't fit the standard criteria for a Libre as he's a type 2. The national criteria are tight and local trust don't go wider but GP is pushing for one as an exception given his job involves driving. If that isn't successful I think we'll self fund.
Meanwhile DB has cancelled appliance maintenance contracts for £££ that mum has taken out for items that are either ancient and worthless or still in warranty. You could probably just about replace all mum's appliances for the annual fees she had signed up for. Certainly you could probably find a nicer fridge on Facebook Marketplace for £20 or less!

@countrygirl99 Libra do a months free trial of a cgm. I did it when I was told I had prediabetes to see what was going on with my blood sugar. Nothing exciting as it happens but my insulin response is a little too eager 😩

@countrygirl99 a friend self funds, they're not cheap but he does look better. Says he doesn't eat satsumas any more (!).
A nurse friend gets to try them out herself as she has to support a lot of diabetic patients at her GP practice. Said it was eye opening seeing her blood sugar go up and down - a single glass of wine in the evening would tank her blood sugar at 3am! Explains, maybe, why I can't really take the drink at all these days.

Good grief @countrygirl99 that’s horrific.

DM had her diagnosis today: vascular dementia. Not surprised as she has all the conditions which make this more likely.

How has your brother taken this?
You were expecting it, but he was very much thinking it wasn't likely, wasn't he?

I think he is accepting it. The diagnosis has come from someone official.

I do feel for him because DM is his last connection with DF who died over 30 years ago. She is also his connection to a time when he was truly happy: his late teens, sixth form, good friends. He really is a boy who has never grown up.

Hello. First time posting here and I’m not sure if this is the right place.

I won’t go in to the detail of my difficult parent as that’s in my other posts. I’m low contact but keep in touch with my mum and visit once a month now. It would be more but my dad is there and we can’t get her out without him as he gets arsey about it (relatively new development).
I wonder if any of you have any experience with a parent undergoing a knee replacement. Dad is having one very soon.

he is in his late 80’s and was quite fit up until about 77 then falls, strokes etc and I’ve suspected beginnings of dementia for a few years now.
at any rate, he’s getting a new knee. I spose it will make it easier for him to wander off later on! (Apologies for the sick humour - it really is the only way I can deal with the clusterfuckery that is my family!)
Anyway, I’m really trying to gauge the reality of post op care at home. Will he be able to sit at a table and eat. Will he be able to use the loo. Presumably he won’t be able to bathe or shower for a bit. Sorry if these seem daft questions but the im trying to gauge what level of care he will need as they are going to boot him out the same day. What do they do with people that live alone?
unfortunately I can get any sense from anyone in the family. Gatekeeper sister (and the oldest ‘boy’ iykwim) is catastrophasising (sp?)mum has largely checked out and just thinks it will be fine (she really doesn’t like him, hardly surprising as he seesaws from vile to charm and back again) and dad just expects all the women to run about after him
as he has done all his life.
What time can I start on the wine ? ;-)

Next step will be getting the LPAs 'official'. I dont know what we have to do about that.

I dont think anyone could claim DM has the capacity to make many decisions for herself beyond whether she wants a cup of tea. Even then she is quite capable of being unreliable (demanding sugar then complaining that her drink had sugar in it).

Welcome!

Has the hospital or GP said anything about post-op care? DM had a torn rotator cuff repair about 10 years ago and she was advised she was eligible to request home care for a few weeks post-op for help with washing and dressing as her arm would be immobilised and in a sling, and dad was not able to help due to his own infirmities. Details lost back in the mists of time but I think she had to make the request via the GP.

She didn’t request it as she thought she’d be fine after 48 hours, during which time I was there. She admitted afterwards that she really struggled and grossly underestimated her ability to manage in the following weeks.

I suspect your dad would be eligible for temporary home care support, and I would strongly encourage getting any help that he can, even if family resist initially. I would also have thought that he would be eligible for any necessary home adaptations e.g. a toilet frame or extra wall rail for the stairs.

sympathies for the difficult family situation - if you have a gatekeeping sibling are they the one going with your dad to medical appointments? I bet that is where all of this is being discussed.

Hi ladies, not been on for a while and trying to catch up.

@countrygirl99 your poor DH, I hope they get him sorted quickly. As if you don’t have enough in your plate.

@GnomeDePlume I'm sorry. Even if you were expecting it that’s a nasty diagnosis.

@dormit still fighting the good fight…

I don’t think 2pm on a Friday is too early for wine 🍷 Solidarité

On a much brighter (actually incredibly, unbelievably bright) note we've had some wonderful news. Family member has a form of cancer for which only palliative care is available in the UK but an innovative treatment is available elsewhere but at ££££££££££££££. There's been a lot of funding raising effort and events going on but so far, even though a substantial amount has been raised, it's less than 1/3 of what's needed. A chance encounter through his work by BIL has lead to the rest (six figure sum) being donated by one person. I can't go into detail to protect the donor's privacy but it's someone stupendously rich (no, not Elon but getting on that rich). BIL is still reeling. Hope for a father of young kids at last.

I notice on your first thread you said this shouldn’t show up on featured etc - just to warn you that this new thread is in active at the minute (I was curious as to what it was about so clicked through).

What fantastic news @countrygirl99.

Thanks @Tillow4ever. Thats’s a throwback to the original posters who started these threads and I just C&P’d their thread starter when I started the previous thread. To be honest I don’t mind people wandering in if they need help. I’m not sure what others think?

Newcomers are always welcome as long as they aren't the "your so horrid/ how could you it's your mother (other relatives are available)/ other cultures are much kinder type". Anyone labouring under the burden or anxious about the direction their parents are heading in will always find a shoulder to cry on here.

Hi funnelfan

Thanks for your reply.

My dad has actually been going to all the appointments on his own (mum has largely checked out) so it's very likely he will have dismissed any help and said his family will help him.

Assuming my dad will have been running his 5 star emulator they'd have no reason to disbelieve him.

Mum has tried to engage him about a few times but he got very aggressive so she gave up.

I think it's probably been left too late to put in any post op care, whether provided via the hospital or privately.
I'm currently about to try and claim attendance allowance for my mum so she can get a cleaner but that wont kick in for months. (They can easily afford this but so dysfunctional)

What I think needs to happen is a safeguarding referral to social services and some contact with their GP.

The trouble is, if i do it they will know it was me as im the only one apart from sibling who knows what is going on.

When mum was in rehab for 6 weeks after brain surgery, the geriatric SW pulled me to one side and said my parents seemed very co-dependant.

Because I'm ND I just didn't pick up the hint to discuss it. Not sure where i would go about it now. I've mentioned getting SS involved but sibling refuses to get SS involved as 'they will take the house'.

Frankly i want to check out of it all and leave them to get on with it.
The only reason I havnt is because I still want a relationship with my mum and if my dad goes first i want to be around to make sure my mum is ok.

If it happens the other way round I will remove myself for my sanity.

Honestly up until 5 years ago i thought my parents had a happy marriage and i grew up in a normal family 😂

I am slowly making my way through this newest thread to acquaint myself, so far i feel i am definitely in the right place!

Is there anything we can actually do about the fact that MIL has a long standing eating disorder? She's been terrible with food for the whole 40 years I've known her. She was eating ok but she's still very thin after her and FIL weren't eating when his dementia meant he couldnt cook for her anymore. Its been a year since FIL went into a care home and she hasn't put any weight back on (FIL has put his weight back and more!)

She has currently reverted to not eating because she's stressed about going to BILs for Christmas. Tonight we had a complete refusal to even eat a small sandwhich.
DH is completely exasperated with her. Last Christmas was awful and we've agreed with our DC that we would be away this year. I really don't care if she's stressed about Christmas its time BIL actually did something and he is her son too.

Does anyone know anything about talking therapies or CBT for older people