What would you do if your sibling refused to help?

[LosingOnesCool]

I’ve got 2 siblings. Our remaining parent is needing more help and support. They have a couple of operations coming up and will need taking to appointments over the next 6 months.

I’m the only 1 of the 3 siblings who is still working, the others retired early as they could afford it. All their DC have left home, whereas mine are in secondary. I’m a lot younger than them, and had my DC late so there is a big age gap between the families.

Both 1 and one of my siblings are in agreement that we need to do our bit. Other sibling not interested and doesn’t want to give up their freedom.

Just interested how you would react to this. AFAIAK my parents care divided by 3, is going to be much less stress than divided by 2, and it’s trying for all of us, not just sibling 3.

I just don’t think I can have the same relationship moving forward with someone who has no reason whatsoever to opt out of helping other than they don’t want to for selfish reasons. My DH thinks my reaction is a bit harsh but I don’t think you can just dump this on your siblings and think it’s business as usual.

Interested to hear what others think?

Divide it by three and your parent can fund the missing section of care.

Whilst I agree with you from a moral perspective, sometimes people don’t want to or aren’t able to do what others want them to do and they are able to say no to that.

There is no obligation on any of you to help, what help and support does your parent need, do they have any professional help, ars they involved in arranging anything themselves..

I refused to help my siblings with our mother despite the fact I wasn’t working and lived very close to her. You never know what someone is going through and it’s wrong to assume it is just selfishness. They may have private reasons to refuse and not be able to cope with it. Or like me there could have been abuse. If they won’t help look at how you can get care / support funded .

I have no idea where that ridiculous gif came from, sorry, will report to mnhq,

I think you can’t make someone else step up. Do the bits you want, can your parent pay for care? Claim attendance allowance? Qualify for reablement care from the council?

There are options available.

It's not fair OP, but you can't force someone to help. My DH's sibling lives abroad and visits once every two or three years so the whole thing falls on DH. It's just how it is.

What you can do is figure out what you personally are willing to do and get help for the things you can't do. Some paid carers will take to appointments etc, or you could arrange a taxi. (Obviously your parent should pay for this, not you.)

I don’t think there is much you can do.

Don’t take in extra obligations yourself, you can only do. What you can do.

Is there any possibility that Absent Sibling would chip in for taxi costs, or a cleaner, or whatever?

Also, do they really need taking to all appointments? There are taxis and hospital transport. It’s hard to fit hospital appointments into the working week.

Our gp runs a patient transport service, volunteers take patients to appointments.

This isn't clear cut and although the post is relatively long, the most important information is missing.

Exactly what help does your parent need, and could this help be paid for?

If the help could be paid for and your patent can afford to pay, your sibling is under no moral responsibility to give up their freedom to do it instead even if you are.

If it's a matter of visiting the parent in hospital to show emotional support, your sibling should do that sometimes unless there's history you don't know/ care about.

Some support (mainly organisational and administrative) is almost impossible to outsource but also fairly tricky to share unless you all sit down together.

Outsourcing is the answer for hands on stuff.

You can't force someone to help but what you can do is make it clear that they also forfeit the right to vocalise opinions on how the care is provided.

You do what/how much you feel is appropriate. You can’t insist a sibling does anything, so just let it go. Equally, your relationship with them going forward is up to you (but they may have their reasons for not helping and their views are as valid as yours). Outsource as much care as possible. Dont be a martyr.

I have no relationship with my brother's since I was left to care for both parents.

Isn't that for the parent to decide

Care work should never be forced.

Other sibling not interested and doesn’t want to give up their freedom.

What did they actually say, how is their relationship and help does parent actually need?

No, I don't think it is. Most parents would prefer to be cared for by their child rather than by a paid carer, but it's their child's decision whether to provide that care.

Were you the golden child? MIL definately favoured his other siblings over him and helped them out with house deposits and childcare etc. She was always emotionally available to his siblings and his siblings DCs. We won't be falling over ourselves to help her if and when she needs care.

At the end of the day you can only make decisions about how much you are willing to help. You can't dictate what others do.

I’m in a similar position - three siblings but only two of us helping with parental care. The third sibling is not interested in helping.

Yes, it has hugely affected my relationship with that sibling. Whereas we were previously reasonably close and in regular contact, I now struggle to engage with them much, knowing that they just don’t care and knowing how exhausted I and second sibling are becoming from the care responsibilities.

My advice to you would be,

First, to reach a place of acceptance. You cannot change your siblings mind, nor force them to help with caring for your parents. It is their life and they are entitled to live it as they wish. Whether or not you agree with their choices, you do have to accept it.

Second, agree with your other sibling what each of your limits are (and your individual limits may be different - accept that too). How much time can you reasonably give to this. How much money will it cost you. Discuss with your parents too, what you are each able to help with. Your parents need to understand and get on board with your help.
In our family, between me and sibling two, we can manage taking to all medical appointments, helping with life admin, and emotional support/keeping company. We cannot manage cleaning as well so parent has (at first reluctantly but now happily) accepted having a weekly cleaner. Think of ways to help that work for all of you without burning out.

While I agree with PP that care work can't be forced on someone, I also see where you are coming from that it will impact how you see that person moving forward.

That person may have a different perspective on their childhood or may have things going on you don't know about but if they just cba then you can't do anything about it but you wouldn't be wrong to be hurt.

I am very close to my siblings if our parents needed care and one refused to help I would probably have a chat with them about it. Not go in confrontational or with demands but really trying to understand where they are coming from. Do they still think you and your sibling should do it or do they feel it would all be paid for. How would they feel if you also pulled back and your parent had no one.

I know someone who basically has done this, pulled away fully from looking after their parent. They have been transparent that their parent was a good parent and they love them but they've just got through the child rearing and they finally have a bit of money and freedom and don't want to be tied down. In one way, fair enough I suppose. In another way it does make me sad that what we owe to eachother is being eroded and self interest prioritised. Some would say thats a good thing and I can see their point ... Rambling now, but just saying I understand your point that it may taint how you view them.

At the moment it is;

Taking parent for hospital appointments that they need help getting to/ from and then making sure they are ok for a few days.

For example, parent had a small op, had to be taken, waited for, driven home, made comfortable, fed. Then they got an infection and doctor had to be called.

They have 2 more operations lined up that follow that format.

My take on it is that each of us should suck it up and cover 1 of these times.

There is no abuse, no animosity. We had a lovely childhood.

Yes they can get a taxi or have some strange carer do it. However, if your own children CBA to put themselves out once in a blue moon then I’m quite disgusted with that. They’ll be waiting cap out though if there’s any money left.

I always thought I'd welcome siblings at this stage in life. DH has syepped up and our mothers are 89. His sisters do sweet fa. I am glad now to be an only. I had more sweets, do more care but there have never been sibling tensions.

Ideally, pay for the care the sibling isn't providing and request your parent alters their will and deducts the cost of that care from the sibling's share. I wish MIL would do that and leave half to dh and a quarter each to the bloody sisters, one of whom didn't even bother to fly in for her father's funeral.

I don't drive so couldn't drive anyone to anywhere. Also live abroad, my brother does it all, but also my parents gave him everything over, knowing I struggled on many levels before marrying, the more I struggled, the more they abused me verbally and emotionally, they did childcare for his kids from a baby stage, I did mine completely on my own ....where do I even fit in their picture lol.....a very sarcastic ironic lol

Edited to just fluff up overall context with relevant detail

“In another way it does make me sad that what we owe to each other is being eroded and self interest prioritised.”

It is self interest prioritised. Helping our parent at the end of their life, is the morally correct thing to do. I don’t particularly want to do it either, but I know that it is the right thing to do and if I don’t I’ll feel immense guilt at leaving them to rot when they are no longer around.

ExH is like this.

he is one of three. The youngest has been noticeably favoured - given free childcare, given vast amounts of money.

neither he nor the other sibling will be stepping up to offer care.

their parents made clear which child they like, very very clear.

they aren’t expecting to be left anything.

I think as an individual you decide what you are able to do and do that
Any gaps to be filled by paid for care

Yes not only, they gloated when I had 0. God turned it that way, because in the UK SE everything is 10 times more expensive, than the birth country, I ended up OK numerically ....I won't be going back and asking for inheritance ...let my dn and niece have it. Sweet innocent kids, its not their fault , my ones will inherit from us and children uncles