What would you do if your sibling refused to help?

[LosingOnesCool]

I’ve got 2 siblings. Our remaining parent is needing more help and support. They have a couple of operations coming up and will need taking to appointments over the next 6 months.

I’m the only 1 of the 3 siblings who is still working, the others retired early as they could afford it. All their DC have left home, whereas mine are in secondary. I’m a lot younger than them, and had my DC late so there is a big age gap between the families.

Both 1 and one of my siblings are in agreement that we need to do our bit. Other sibling not interested and doesn’t want to give up their freedom.

Just interested how you would react to this. AFAIAK my parents care divided by 3, is going to be much less stress than divided by 2, and it’s trying for all of us, not just sibling 3.

I just don’t think I can have the same relationship moving forward with someone who has no reason whatsoever to opt out of helping other than they don’t want to for selfish reasons. My DH thinks my reaction is a bit harsh but I don’t think you can just dump this on your siblings and think it’s business as usual.

Interested to hear what others think?

You help out as much as you want/are able and the others do the same.

This was an issue in my family where one brother visited and helped his father daily and the other went for one hour once a week. I always maintained that both had the option to visit when they wanted and made their own decisions.

I am the main carer for both my parents as a live a 5 min drive from them. It's recently got very difficult and they (and I) are struggling to cope. I have 2 siblings who both live more than 3 hours away. DB has been helpful when we've been really stuck - like when I had surgery and couldn't drive for a couple of months. DSIS can't help much due to her work and providing childcare for her GC. She also remembers DM as abusive and has not forgiven her. I did not have it so bad as the youngest and my parents helped me a lot over the years with childcare etc. I don't begrudge my sister- in fact, I feel protective of her. She's had a lot of shit to deal with in her life and she does not have capacity to pitch in now. I am trying to outsource some of the care as it's overwhelming, but I don't factor in Dsis & DB only for emergencies.

I know what you're saying here but this is so hard for people as well. If no one else steps up, someone has to and it's usually the one with the most empathy and inability to see someone neglected.

Not saying it's that in all cases but if no one is helping, there will be someone who just cannot bear to see that and will have to step in. They get used.

There can be a default assumption/setting in families that the daughters get the brunt of the caring/supporting & organising burden of their elderly parents. Some sons or brothers simply refuse to see the things that are required & are quite happy to remain opted out of any responsibilities. It sucks. Not all families but I still think it’s common. Falls under an extension of the “load” we are somehow just expected to provide.
Don’t know if that applies to your situation OP & not knocking men who do pull their weight. In an ideal world there would be funds (elderly parents’ funds) to ensure no family member gets an undue amount of the burden. But harder in practise when another person is required to stay with someone for 24hrs after an operation for eg - where one of the siblings, you would think, if they are able, should step in & take their turn. If only it were that straightforward.

I understand you’re upset by your sibling’s behaviour but they are not obliged to help. Your feelings about it will obviously affect your relationship with them. That’s life sometimes.

If they don’t want to help just do your bit then your parent can deal with their child who won’t help their aren’t. You can only control you and if they don’t care don’t bother either them anymore

Can I make a few comments here. I was one of three. Other two did very little and were living abroad. One in particular couldnt give a stuff. Both retired early.

It does sound like you feel a moral duty to do all of this. When my late parent lived 100 miles away from me I spoke to GP and they arranged trasnport for hospital appointments. There are always options, some elderly people dont have anyone.

If you CHOOSE to do this that is YOUR decision. Your parent is very likely to want you to do it and this grows and grows, Take me to an appointment. Give your number to all health professionals and goodness knows who as you will understand more than they will. At one point my number felt like it was given out to half the county!

My advice whereever you can is get parent used to others doing things for them.

Mum used to moan about having to be collected early for her appointments but in the end got used to it.

I have a friend who is at the beck and call of her parent. She wont listen to anyone who suggests that Mum gets a cleaner. She insists on doing it herself even though she doesnt have time because apparently Mum prefers her to do it, doesnt want strangers in the house etc.

Its a choice and you choose to help. They don't. What would happen if there was no one to help? They would arrange taxis and hospital transport. Parents money is spent to buy in services they require.

F